Raising Boys? Deconstruct.

Mary Ero
Posted February 15, 2018 from Nigeria

Growing up the only girl among 4 boys in a somewhat traditional family, I found myself always caught up in the struggle to liberate myself from the social confines. One of the first labels I was aware of was that of my gender. “Sit properly you are a girl”! “Go to the kitchen, you are a woman”! “Go to church, good women go to church”, etc.

At this point, I do not accept labels of any kind. Not of gender- which are social constructs about what we can or cannot do- or of occupation, or of ability, or of intellect. I realise that we can only find meaning when we are stripped of all these things and must face ourselves. I have also personally witnessed the powerful change that can come when these structures are intentionally deconstructed. So, I have written 3 major steps I would take to achieve the same mental shift in boys, with a view to creating a more egalitarian society.

Teach the boy that the difference between men and women are their reproductive organs and not what society says they can or should do.

There is a meal eaten in Nigeria called poundedyam. As the name implies itconsists of (boiled) yams repeatedly beaten in a wide mortar, into a sort of dough. Expectedly, this process is an arduous task, and one which I refused to undertake growing up as the only girl in a family of 6. My elder brother therefore usually had to take on the pounding duty and I recall our tenant/ neighbour would sometimes come by the kitchen and tease him calling him ‘kitchen boy’. This infuriated my mother who could not understand why it was an issue that her son was helping her in the kitchen. But in a curious change of character she would ‘go off’ on me when I came into the kitchen to receive my share of the food. Her grouse was that I had no shame and could still eat when it was a boy that had assisted in preparing the meal.

The entrenchment of gender roles in the subconscious of a child is conscious, deliberate and overt. It is never subtle because it is backed by years of bias handed down from generation to generation and endorsed by institutions. However, many people do not even know why they insist that the different genders act in specific ways other than the fact that that is how it has always been done. Boys should be taught to question these roles and other patriarchal dictates of society. Why can I not cry? Why is it shameful if I help my mother in the kitchen? Or cook for my girlfriend? Cooking and cleaning are life skills, they are not what women were born to do. Like every skill they can be learned by everyone.

We must also teach boys to query the more subtle nuances of this conditioning for gender roles. The voices that dictate that a girl of the same age in the same class as them can only be an assistant prefect to a boy. Or cannot play a certain sport or must not excel in certain subjects.

A few years ago, I worked in an experiential marketing agency as the Head of Creatives. One day while I was busy at my desk a colleague came into our open plan office and announced to three other ladies and I that the boss wanted to see us. I asked her why and she said he wanted to purchase some fabrics, either as gifts for clients or for use at an event, and he wanted the ladies to make a choice for him. To put it mildly, I was irritated at this and I expressed this irritation to the messenger. Surely everyone had eyes and, to varying degrees, taste?Why would I have to leave my heavy workload and go to select fabric because I was a lady? But she did not understand why I was angry, and nor did the people around. Most likely to them I was a woman and so I automatically was skilled in home décor, fashion or design; the soft skills that were apparently supplied with a vagina.

Teach him that sex is not another sport at which he must win, and every woman’s body is not the turf to be conquered.

A group of female final year secondary school (high school) students were attacked by male students from the nearby school. The boys, wielding scissors, ripped through the girls’ uniforms and underwear, and proceeded to take turns mounting them amidst cheers from friends. In broad daylight. Luckily the girls wore reinforced underwear including cycling shorts and gym tights and this held off their assailants for a while. The boys were then stopped by some adults who formed security groups and escorted the dishevelled girls home. Reports showed that this sexual violence was the regular end-of-year practice of boys in that school who had completed their final year exams; a bizarre graduation ritual. The next day, in a press conference, the police spokesman said the incident could not be described as sexual violence or (attempted) rape as penetration did not occur. Instead he described it as conflict due to tension between rival schools.

The sexual assaultis not the most distressing part of this story, but the apparent institutionalised notion that rape or sexual violence on women /girls was an acceptable method to express grievance. After all, girls have bodies for men anyway, so what is the fuss? Right?

Teach him that girls matter.

Not that they ‘matter too’, or they matter ‘as well’, but that girls are equally significant and their lives as valid. The basic foundation of a culture of patriarchy and gender inequality is constructed when we teach boys that girls, their aspirations, and their needs do not matter except they fit it into a particular box.

This lesson is one that encompasses all the others because it borders on many things. Many times, we teach our men to only respect and value women if they can appreciate their beauty, relate with them on familial terms (like a sister or a mother), or on the basis of their (supposed) fragility or delicacy. Any woman who does not consistently fit into any of these stereotypical boxes can be disrespected, oppressed, maligned or insulted. As a result any woman with which they have a disagreement is an ‘ashawo’ ( slang for prostitute), a visibly upset woman is frustrated and disgruntled, and an ambitious woman is misguided.

Our sons need to learn from home, that people are people - men and women. In this aspect, I believe the onus falls heavily on women, the mother-figures to show that they have lives outside of home and motherhood. That they are well-rounded. In addition, it is also important that they are seen to accord other women respect, irrespective of status or education.

I remember a story told by a teacher I had when I was a teenager. He, as a teenager,had impregnated a girl,and, as is the usual practice, absconded. Unfortunately, the girl’s mother traced his family and came over with the girl, in a rage, understandably. His father, a polygamous man, calmly asked what the problem was and when he was told immediately flew into a rage asking if that was why they were disturbing his peace. She was pregnant, and she would have the baby and one of his wives would look after it. The wives snickered and the aggrieved family went home dejected. My teacherpointed that out as the moment when he finally understood that there was nothing to a woman. His words burned a hole in my heart and mind.

The culture of patriarchy and toxic masculinity is deliberate and consistently laid from birth; raising a generation of boys who counter this culture therefore, also involves consistency, but of another type. We must encourage and educate them to consistently interrogate social norms and constructs. Only in this way can they abjure gender inequality and join in building a successful society.

This story was submitted in response to Bringing Up Boys .

Comments 11

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Wendy Stebbins
Feb 15, 2018
Feb 15, 2018

This is really really good, Mary. I love the way you have it organized and give the principles and all the concrete REAL, easy-to-identify-with examples. Nietsche once said "Once you label me you negate me". That's the first thing I thought of when I started to read your article. Thank you.

Mary Ero
Feb 15, 2018
Feb 15, 2018

Thank you, Wendy. The words of Nietsche are so true especially today. 

Olutosin
Feb 15, 2018
Feb 15, 2018

Yes Mary, its time to teach the boys. I agree and women hae a lot of work to do here; teach your sons, brothers, uncles and husband. Its time to change the world and education will do it.

Mary Ero
Feb 15, 2018
Feb 15, 2018

Thanks Tosin

Yes we need to include boys in our plans if we are to see different behaviours than we have in the past.

Wendy Stebbins
Feb 15, 2018
Feb 15, 2018

MARYERO

LOVE YOUR THINKING AND THAT YOU "GET IT" ABOUT EVERYTHING. YES , I think if people would emulate what Nietsche said it would go a long way towards world peace, or mellowing out some of our gender problems, racial problems, girl/boy probs, on and on. Delighted you know of him and the greatness in his words

 Again loved all you had to say in your article cuz you are RIGHT ON.. like your energy too. Lets stay in touch.

Where are you from.?

Ubuntu 

Wendy

Mary Ero
Feb 16, 2018
Feb 16, 2018

Thank you again for these lovely comments. I am from Nigeria.

Jill Langhus
Feb 16, 2018
Feb 16, 2018

Hi Mary. Thanks for another awesome story. I love and agree with your three major steps. Your teacher's conclusion and behavior are appalling, btw:-( Hope you are doing well?!

Mary Ero
Feb 17, 2018
Feb 17, 2018

Hi Jill

Thanks so much, as always.

Yes, my teacher's words were spokenpre than 2 decades ago but they haunt me til today.

I am keeping well. How are you?

Jill Langhus
Feb 18, 2018
Feb 18, 2018

Hi Mary:) You're welcome. I bet. They would me, too:( I'm well, thanks. Glad you are doing well...

Wendy Stebbins
Feb 16, 2018
Feb 16, 2018

Ah, from Nigeria. I know some lovely people from Nigeria. Many of our taxi drivers are from Nigeria. We always get.into deep cvonversation as they take me around. They teach me a lot about your current culture and thinking. One just told me yesterday, that in order for there to be sustainable change, the THINKING has to change. That is the number one thing they say must happen even  over education. What do you think of that?

Mary Ero
Feb 17, 2018
Feb 17, 2018

Hi Wendy

I think it is a given that sustainable change anywhere can only come as a result of a mindset shift. Young people need to change their notions about their role or lack thereof in politics, their disinterest in their future and theor ignorance of history if any change is to happen.