A letter that will never be opened

MarziaAmiri
Posted October 13, 2019 from Afghanistan
With my brother, Abdul Samad Amiri
With my brother, Abdul Samad Amiri (on left) - may he rest in peace.

Hi my lovely brother.

I am here always praying for you. Do not worry about us, here everything is going. I am not saying “going well,” just going.  Because we all really miss you. And without you the sky is dark, life is meaningless, and even a smile is bitter. In these days, we are just trying to be fine. In fact, we cannot.

Each moment, each second, and every day you come to my mind. Your smile is always in my thoughts. Every morning, I wake up, I tell myself that you are with us, and you will be with us forever. I do believe that you are with us, that is why I am here now. I do not know about this exam in my life. The exam of passing a tunnel without any light. The exam of passing darkness. I never thought about it. No one can understand exactly how I feel. And how hard life is without you. You are always in my thoughts. I cannot even imagine how our mom is doing. But I am sure her heart is deeply broken. It is really hard for her to be far away from you. She misses you and misses the moments when you would kiss her feet.

Look at Helen. She doesn't even know where her kind father is. You had the biggest dreams for her life and her education. She is too small for this pain. Sometimes I think she is lucky to have a father like you. I cannot say “had a father like you” because you will always be with her and with us. We cannot see each other, but we can strongly feel you everywhere with us. Of course, Helen is lucky. But she will just know you by your photos. It is the most painful thing for all of us.

Although I cannot talk to you face-to-face, I can talk to your photos. I can read all our messages that we had together. I read them several times and then close my phone. Sometimes I cannot open the gallery of my phone, because I cannot bear to see the smile on your face which has halted forever. You loved children, and you always told me about how innocent they are. You said that it is not their choice to come in this world, but their parents are the only people who decide for them to be a part of this world. This is how you introduced Helen to the world when you told everyone how determined you were to make a bright future for her. But the Taliban did not let your dreams come true.

I am sure you are looking at this cruel world and you will see all the injustice. You said, “Despite the difficulties, I owe my life to this land and will work for its betterment so long as I live.” They could not stop your dreams, but they stopped your heart forever. They did not let you watch your sweet daughter grow.

The last night that we were together I made you a cup of tea. Then we talked and you told me about your goals and dreams. You always read books for Abdul Haq and me, your two youngest siblings, and encouraged us to read a lot. I love you my kind, patient and pure-hearted brother. It is hard to write about my memories of you. When I remember your patience, your kindness, your pure heart, your dreams, your plans, your love for us and everything, I cannot continue thinking about our loss. Why did they do this to you? Why? This “why” is a puzzle that I can never solve.  

Dear brother, I will be the educated, strong and successful woman you always wanted me to be. Your love, encouragement, and sacrifices have made it possible. I will not disappoint you. I will make you proud. It’s the best way to remember you.

Your small sister,

Marzia

This story was submitted in response to GirlForce: Unscripted and Unstoppable.

Comments 16

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Lisbeth
Oct 13
Oct 13

Dear Marzia,
I am very sorry for your lost. I can see it's not easy for you. I pray you find that peace to calm your spirit.
My sincere condolences :-(
Hugs
Liz

maeann
Oct 13
Oct 13

Hi Marzia,

Thank you for sharing your thoughts about your loved Brother.

I am sure he is proud of you on how you will become.

Hugs and love...

Anita Shrestha
Oct 13
Oct 13

Dear Marzia
Very sad news, and in this condition i am also so sad and my tear couldnot control from eyes. I pray his rest in peace.

Be strong and remember god.

Hug
Anita

Jill Langhus
Oct 14
Oct 14

Hello Dear Marzia,

Welcome back:-) Thanks for sharing your bittersweet story about the loss of your beloved brother. He sounds like a wonderful man. I hope that your pain lessens with time, dear. I'm sorry for your loss.

XX

Dawn Arteaga
Oct 14
Oct 14

Marzia, What a beautiful letter. It touched my heart. I'm holding your hand across the distance. Stay strong!

Anita Kiddu Muhanguzi

Woooow Mariza,
Thank you for sharing a piece of your heart with us. I know it must be hard for you, i know the pain of losing someone close to us never really goes away. We live each day through the memories that we had because that is what gives us hope and faith that life will be better.
This is such a beautiful piece. Looking forward to reading more of your stories.
Stay blessed

baganda
Oct 15
Oct 15

ce bon vraiment

Hello, Mariza,

This such a beautiful yet painful letter to read. I’m so sorry for your loss, and for Helen’s, too.

Maybe it would bring healing to you to keep writing letters to your dear brother even though they won’t be opened. It’s a good way to release the questions, pains and promises. Hugs, dear. We can never move on from grief.

I love how resilient you are at the end of your letter. Please take care if yourself. I pray for JUSTICE to your dear brother and healing to you and your family.

Thank you for sharing this with us.

ANJ ANA
Oct 15
Oct 15

Dear Marzia,
I heartily pray for your brother's soul rest in peace.
I know nothing can compensate his place but hope Little Helen will surely heal your wound. May she rises and fulfill your brother's dream.
May peace prevail in earth.
Sending you love and emotional support to you.
Best regards,
anjana

Dr Jackie
Oct 18
Oct 18

Dear Marzia,

There is great healing when we write about our pain. You did well writing this down and sharing with your sisters. At the beginning of this year, I lost one of the strongholds in my life, my aunt. The pain was so deep and I couldn't sleep for a while. She had breast cancer and for a long time medically speaking I knew she will die, but I spent all my time preparing the other members of the family when she became critical, letting them know she will soon leave us but never prepared myself. I had to consult with a mental care nurse and it was quite helpful. Being a doctor, that was had to do, but I did it anyway.

This is what I have learned: the pain will go away with time. His memory will remain but the pain you are feeling now will dwindle down. Do everything you can, to release the pain whenever you are opportune. You have our love and sympathy.

Jerome Schroeder
Oct 18
Oct 18

Dear Marzia,
I am saddened by the loss of your brother but not the loss of his dream for you and your land. May the Spirit of hope and courage be in your heart.

Brother Jerome

Rosylyne Nabaala
Oct 18
Oct 18

Thank you for sharing, this is a great message and hope to hear from you again soon.

Spiritedsoul
Oct 19
Oct 19

Hi Marzia,
So sorry to hear about the loss of your brother, sending lots of love, strength, and empathy, to yourself and Helen. As well as the rest of your family.
Continue to pursue your dreams, hugs.
Jess.

Qurratulayn Khan
Oct 20
Oct 20

hello dear,
thank you for sharing your emotional through your words
regards

Ehsan
Oct 24
Oct 24

Dear Marzia!
You are now smart and big enouph to underestand what the hard condition could be in your imaginery , but in fact this is now the main and the basic life-starting you are practicing after Mr. Samad. You're ganna be a hero after hard fight to get the target done. Look at on your aims and go forward to achieve them. that's how your dreams come true.
Yours
Ehsan from Finland

mbennett
Oct 24
Oct 24

Thanks for sharing this lovely letter. Your brother would be so, so proud of you.