“On this journey to gaining clarity, recognizing, embracing, pacing, deepening and journeying with our calling, the unspoken, unacknowledged, hidden, shamed and undesired partners are fears, doubts, regrets, restlessness, faithlessness, confusions, fogging, trauma release, loses, shadows, dismantling of known structures, panic attacks, ungroundedness, triggers, sicknesses and much more are an integral part of this journey.”
March 2020 speaks of a journey that began ten years ago with an intention of listening to that inner voice which said,
“There has to be another way. Hurting cannot be the only way through life.”
This March marks my 10th anniversary of exiting the corporate world.
This March also marks my 10th anniversary of being off medications for allergies (I was diagnosed with acute sinus inflammation which would lead to tracheal contraction at any time during the day and night)
This March I celebrate ten years in the shifting, transformation and alchemizing of my physical, mental, emotional and energetic body. Ten years ago, I could not be hugged without feeling immense pain. Ten years ago, I dared not run my fingers on my skin for there was not a spared square of my body from soreness. Ten years ago, I would gasp for air through every move.
Ten years ago, I would not show up and speak up of my state, my fears, my emotions, my stories, my pains, my wounds and much more, for least did I know that growth lies in opening and that vulnerability is what connects me to me and me to the world.
3rd March 2010, I would embark on a journey that led me to where I stand today.
A complete evolution at varying levels in my life and most importantly, as the changes deepen.
Did have I clarity on what I wanted to do?
Did I know how to ask for help and support?
Was I supportive of myself and my choices?
No. I have often doubted and struggled to believe.
Did I nibble myself off with fears and doubts about whether I made the right choice?
Yes. More than once
Did I judge myself for not putting myself out there in there world?
Over and Over again
Was I drawn to things that called to me naturally?
From my earliest memories, I have had a strong inclination to write, to talk, to whisper, to rewire systems.
I have always been fascinated with words, theories, nature, mystery and the unspoken.
Have I questioned my purpose once I believed to have nailed it?
Endless and countless times.
If my fingers could speak, they would tell you of the times, I agonize in doubts for the sown seeds were not emerging.
Ten major lessons I have gathered through the last ten years
1. Fears and its ilks
Fears, doubts, regrets, restlessness, faithlessness, confusions, fogging, trauma release, loses, shadows, dismantling of known structures, panic attacks, ungroundedness, triggers, sicknesses and much more are what we will term as contradictions to what we are seeking. These are purposeful contradictions, from that space we may choose to build resilience, inner strength and muscles to ride the waves. Initially it hurts, confuses and pains and eventually, we learn to lean to seek openings with the knowingness that contradictions are temporary but purposefully lead us into a natural expansion of opening up and receiving our gifts.”
2. No Rush
There is no rush on this journey, be it for healing or for nailing one’s purpose.
There is no time line as to when we meet healing deadlines or projects linked to our purposes.
Many projects, what we term as seeds will incubate for years until both the seed and the seedler (us) have reached a level of maturity to step into the next phase.
Endless projects will fail to reap our expected return on investments. We will meet partners and we will part ways with the initial sense of failure.
Leaping is certainly not the way through.
3. Cycling Nature of Refining
This entire journey is an ongoing work –in-progress. What we will term as “life purpose” gets refined over and over again.
If our vision changes shape, form, colour, texture over the years, there is no worry to this, for the visionary within us knows that we are in truth, only carriers of a vision that is to be gifted, to be bestowed, to be shared and to be handed over to the world.
The essence of the vision is bound to evolve along with the visionary, that is, we who are carriers, nurturers, fathers and mothers of the vision.
If our vision did not shift across years, then we better pause and introspect into our growth path.
4. Our Shadows
Our shadows will have to be met if we seek to truthfully step in our role either as a facilitator or as a member of this world, whether we perform on an open stage or within closed doors.
If our journey rests in saving ourselves through saving others, then we will be run over eventually.
On this journey to what endless wiggle as “finding my life purpose”, uncovering and unveiling are to happen.
Our wounds, our pains, our stories, our narratives, our gifts, our love, our openings and our closures will have to be met in equal grace, reverence and sacred.
The quality and depth of our meeting will impact on our quality and depth of being in service to our life purpose.
This is ugly, unglamorous part of the journey. This is the hopeless part of the journey, for such is the dance of healing. Crawling, crying, weeping, heaving and slowly taking it one day at a time.
5. Begin with one focus
It is not about clarity of the purpose but rather intent of choosing one focus and investing energy and allowing that energy to lead us further. This furthering will open doors ahead, whether we believe in it or not.
Most of us are scared of missing out that we had rather wait on signs than choosing to invest energy and allowing that invested energy to further us.
To be vulnerable is to show up knowing that one has no control over the outcome.
I believe those who show up to answer the call which is termed as “life purpose”, we know whether consciously or unconsciously, there is no control over how things will turn up.
To be vulnerable also means to choose one focus and to invest energy with no guaranteed expected return but with the knowingness in this world of energy, no energy goes to waste.
Vulnerable means showing up and knowing that things will not always work out as per our plan, we will mess partnerships, we will err in our communicating yet with every steps there.
Beyond answering the call means we will step out and connect to the world and people around us instead of waiting.
Answering the call asks that we open up to the world, no purpose is attended to in isolated and in disconnect from this world.
If we step into the world with the intention to prove everyone wrong, we are bound to knock ourselves off.
Regardless of what we believe to be right, to be purposeful, to be useful, to enlightening, to be divine, being in service of our life purpose begins with including.
Everyday , step out in the world with this intent to include, include when it seems hardest to do in the face of conflicts, chaos, pains, trauma, wounds, ugly, loss and wounds.
Including starts with self. The more we allow ourselves to be moved by our own story, the more we include our stories, our heritage, our lineage, the more we are able to include the other without needing the other to be same as us.
None of what we will do or choose to do, think, feel and be will ever define our identity even if we choose to state that our doing, being, thinking and feeling are connected to being in service of our life purpose.
This has been a huge lesson for me over the last ten years. Every speck of accumulated sense of external status, title, material possession, networks would disappear from my grips over and over again until I learned to focus on what I was within my constant and eternal reach, my core values and my vision.
I have always felt deeply. I have felt to an extent of identifying myself with that which I feel and while feeling what I feel, my bodily cells would aid in amplifying every inch of feeling I could have experienced.
On this journey, emotional awareness is crucial.
The aim of emotional awareness is not to make feelings go away or bypass them. Rather the aim is to start building resilience, inner strength and muscles to ride the waves of emotions and sensations as they show up. Initially it hurts, confuses and pains and eventually, we learn to lean to seek openings with the knowingness that contradictions are temporary but purposefully lead us into a natural expansion of positive emotions such as relief, gratitude, , empowerment or joy. "
There is a fine line between experiencing our feelings and then identifying with it.
There is a fine line between feeling and then braving to see the story at the core, the story is the gift of the shadow, for once the story emerges, it can be re-claimed, re-conciliated with and re-written.
10. Circle of Support
This is a journey of coming to self and coming together.
I started shyly on my own, believing that I could make it on my own.
I believed and I still do believe that this is a solitary journey but not a lonely journey.
As humans we are wired up for belonging and connecting.
Hence, whatever be your life purpose, ensure you have a circle of support around you.
A circle of humans who will show up vulnerably infront of you.
A circle of humans who will not cringe from giving you honest feedback.
A circle of humans who will hold your back while you churn, brew and descend.
A circle of humans who will love you beyond your status, title and purpose.
What is my life purpose?
I believe my life purpose is to cast, hold and nurture safe space for women and girls who will embark on their journey to re-claiming, re-conciliating, re-membering and re-writing their truth.
I believe my life purpose begins by casting, holding, nurturing safe space for myself while I walk to re-claiming, re-conciliating, re-membering and re-writing my truth.
There is no dissociation from my self and my purpose.
But beyond all, I believe that my purpose is answering the call to my inner voice over and over again.
My purpose is my commitment to life, for today I stand on a peak with this knowingness that there is absolutely no such thing that this life cannot hold, my drama, my trauma, my fears, my pains, my wounds, they are all embraced, acknowledged, loved, honored and held.
I pause in immense gratitude and grace
You who will recognize yourself as part and parcel of my journey
You will join my journey in years to come
I ripple out prayers of intent
May we rejoice in awakening
May we awaken each other
May we be seeds of love for self and this world
Love my heart to yours
Image Source: Madhura Srinivas @ www.madhurasrinivas.com