|On Validation|

Megha Venketasamy
Posted July 9, 2020 from Mauritius

To be validated means to be told that “one is worthy of existing, of belonging, of being, of doing and of love”.

 

Validation comes from an Authority Source, which means that there is something or someone or system beyond us more powerful, more knowledgeable, wiser, better, grander, bigger. And we rest on that something or someone to tell us “that we are doing great; are being great; we are beautiful; we are worthy; we are enough….. (endless list).

That Authority Source can be Internal, that is, our own and /or  External , that is, someone or some system outside of us.

 |PAUSE| REFLECT| CHECK

Who are your sources of validation?

To whom do you turn to know that you are worthy, you are beauty, you are enough ?  (your mother? Your father? Your partner? Your friends? Your likes on social media? …..)

|WHAT DO WE NEED TO LEARN, UNDERSTAND AND KNOW ABOUT VALIDATION?|

There is no wrongness in seeking validation.

There is no wrongness in having an external Authority Source, someone or something that will validate us, our existence, our worth and much more. In specific instances, we need external validation to further ahead connected to several contexts such as work or task or projects or learning. For example feedback on presentation; debrief on a coaching session; update on projects etc..

The external Authority Source validates a task or an act of doing but not the person.

When we get a “well done for a task/job/project”, as much as it validates our energy, passion, commitment and dedication, in no way possible, does it validate our worth as humans. This is where most of us humans are stuck.

An external Authority Source gives a huge thumb up for a task.

A task is being validated and not the human.

Most of us, we swirl in painful cycles ongoingly seeking validation for ourselves, our lives, our choices and our being from external Authority Sources.

Simply said, we keep reaching outside, to people, systems or something that we view as Authority Sources, “for validation of our beauty, of our life, of our choices,  of our worthy to belong and to be loved.”

|WOMEN AND VALIDATION|

There is no wrongness in seeking validation from an external Authority Source.

Sisters, generations of domestications, trauma, wounds, pains run in our body, bones and blood, most of us,  women, we do not believe, we do not see, we do not feel and we do not witness ourselves as worthy, as enough, as worthy of belonging and love unless someone or something outside comes and validates this for us.

Women need to hear that we all start on the same pedestal, regardless of how much nurture, care and love we receive from our primary care givers, the external world does not spare, the impositions on beauty, on worthy lives, on status, on finance, on career, on relationships, on education (and more) are huge and real.

While it may be easy to dismiss self for seeking external validation, this dismissing does not erase the one inside who seeks validation.

|WHAT WOMEN NEED TO HEAR ABOUT VALIDATION?|

Every child who touches the realm of earth, comes with one of the basic needs that has to be met.

The need to be “acknowledged, held and celebrated”.

To be acknowledged is “I see you, I hear you, I feel you and you exist and you are enough. There is nothing you have to do and be otherwise to be worthy of love and belonging.”.

|PAUSE| REFLECT| CHECK

Did you hear these words “I see you, I hear you and you exist and you are enough. There is nothing you have to do and be otherwise to be worthy of love and belonging” as a child?

Were you acknowledged fully?

Were you held as “you are” instead of asking of you to be something else?

 Pause and say these words to yourself,

“I see you, I hear you and you exist and you are enough. There is nothing you have to do and be otherwise to be worthy of love and belonging”

What is triggered inside you?

 |HOW DOES A WOMAN MOVE AHEAD?|

When one has not been met in one’s full glory, one will seek that meeting over and over again, through external Sources.

One will seek to be validated through an external Authority ( through words, through giving, through social media, through doing, through carrying person and much) but one will also hide out of the fear of not-being enough of love and belonging.

As a facilitator, I believe the need “to be acknowledged” has to be met in fully glory through the pain and confusions that arise from this process.

If right now, all you can do is to keep seeking that validation for your worth from external Authority Sources, something or someone who will tell you that you are “worthy of love and belonging”, then keep doing it but do it intentionally, do it knowing that behind that act of doing you are meeting your need to be acknowledged.

With each validation you receive, pause and check whether you can start validating your own self; whether you can begin to face the mirror and whisper and roar these words to be yourself:

“I see you, I hear you and you exist and you are enough. There is nothing you have to do and be otherwise to be worthy of love and belonging”

This a long journey that often calls for support, guidance and help, reach out to women who can support you as you walk home to yourself.

To be validated means to stand rooted and unshaken in the knowingness that one is worthy right here right now.

To be validated means to be acknowledged, to be heard,to be seen and to be held.

 Let there be NO SHAME | NO GUILT | NO JUDGEMENT

As you walk to seek validation outside and learn to gently turn inwards

The promise of such path is, you will be led inside to your Internal Authority, to Your OwnSelf

Love from my heart to yours

Graphic Works @ NyameDua 2020

Image source: Unsplash

Post © Megha Venketasamy, 2020. All rights reserved.

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Comments 11

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Jill Langhus
Jul 10
Jul 10

Hello Megha Love,

How are you doing, dear? This is a great, though-provoking post, as yours' always are:-) I definitely grapple with the outside validation thing... big time. I signed up for an upcoming co-dependency class that will hopefully address this "not good enough" and seeking outside validation thing that continues to mess up my self love, acceptance and approval levels. I'll see how this goes. I haven't addressed this particular thing through a summit yet, so I'm eager to see what new tools/resources will be unearthed through it because what I have been doing, mirror work, affirmations, isn't cutting it:-(

XX

Hello, Megha,

Thank you for sharing about validation and for affirming that it is a human need to be acknowledged.

I was a survivor of child abuse. More than physical beatings, what wounded me greatly was/is the verbal/emotional abuse. To be honest, I felt seen, heard, and validated only here on World Pulse. It paved a way for me to process that I am, after all, enough just as I am. Such a powerful thing.

I just deactivated my FB. It used to be a source of validation for me, but now, like you said, I'm learning to channel validation from within.

Thank you so much for this post. Please keep on writing!

Beth Lacey
Jul 10
Jul 10

Love back to your heart!

otahelp
Jul 10
Jul 10

Megha, thank you for sharing this very deep thoughts. it is worth reading

Vanora.Lee
Jul 10
Jul 10

My belief is that God made all of us and everyone is worthy in Him. Agree that not to seek external sources for recognition (or validation). Something from within a very good start and for those with no beliefs. Take care and thanks for sharing.

Julie Desai
Jul 11
Jul 11

Thank you for sharing

Anita Shrestha
Jul 13
Jul 13

Thank you for sharing

Nab
Jul 21
Jul 21

'I see you, I hear you and you exist and you are enough. There is nothing you have to do and be otherwise to be worthy of love and belonging'
This is going to be my new motto. I struggle with seeking external acknowledgment, to the point where I would spent hours nitpicking every single act and conversation. Deep down, I know the only validation I need is from myself. I'm working towards that, though it is a painful struggle. Thanks for sharing

Kabahenda
Jul 21
Jul 21

Dear Megha,

Thank you very much for sharing this important message about self-validation, love, self-love and belonging.
A lot of women, including myself struggle with the issue of validation and self-love.
I also know that lack of validation and sel-love is responsible for low-self esteem and low self-worth, but as the great guru on self-esteem, the late Louise Hays said, "self-esteem is your fundamental power."

What you are teaching us is vital for our well-being. I have learned that the world will give you back as much love and self-validation as you give yourself.

It is all internal before it becomes external. My mantra is "I am enough," and that keeps me from seeking love and validation from external forces that have hurt me deeply because I gave them all the power to do so!

I encourage every woman on this forum to read what you have posted and to know that there is power within ourselves.

Please keep these enlightening posts coming. All the best.

In sisterhood and solidarity.

Feka
Jul 24
Jul 24

Thank you for sharing this thought-provoking reflection with us. I look forward to learning more from you

Marie Abanga
Sep 08
Sep 08

I feel this and love same especially these lines dear: "The external Authority Source validates a task or an act of doing but not the person".

"When we get a “well done for a task/job/project”, as much as it validates our energy, passion, commitment and dedication, in no way possible, does it validate our worth as humans. This is where most of us humans are stuck".
It takes so much unlearning and relearning and that's my life's journey.
Thanks for sharing sis
Light and love
MAG