If only

IF ONLY

Time stood still and sleeping was the hardest thing that night. I couldn’t look across, for facing her was hurting me like anything. I could feel her long sighs and tears running down on her cheeks, which were forceful enough to shake her voice. Silence spread like a nightmare and all I felt was emptiness deep inside. Fear, pain, helplessness, and a spark of hope were giving me thousands of thoughts. I was supposed to console her, but how? Trying to utter something I could only say she will be fine, the words I was not sure of either. I wished she could go to sleep but the fear of losing our loved ones is heart-wrenching and sleep doesn’t help in such moments. On the other hand, night was playing the game of getting longer and longer. Nerveless, I closed my worn out eyes and the whole day like a movie scene recapped in my mind.

There were way many reasons to be happy that day. It was 20th march 2015; Pakistan had a match against Australia. Although I am not much of a cricket fan, but on that day I missed my classes for the match. Besides that I was supposed to attend a marriage ceremony of one of my relatives. Happiness was on its peak waiting for the festival Novroz to be celebrated with my sister and friend Nazrana. Watching cricket is the most difficult task ever, because all you do is hold your breath every time the baller throws the ball and the batsman lift his bat to hit the ball. The tension becomes double when your team doesn’t play to your expectations. The team seemed pretty much disappointing, but we always find a reason to hold on and to me the viral statement associated to one of the players “Sarfaraz would never deceive” was enough as beacon of hope. Waiting for Nazrana, while watching cricket I would imagine Pakistani players hitting the balls for six but alas! There sarfaraz got out and I left the T.V lounge with a heavy heart. Finally nazrana called waiting outside my hostel. I hurriedly grabbed my bag where I put my clothes the day before in excitement.

Although I had plenty of time but I ran toward the door to see her soon as possible. A strange feeling was that when I saw her, she looked very weak and tired as if she was awake for many days. I felt as if she did not want to come to the wedding, because I couldn’t glimpse joy in her behavior. Thousands of questions arose in my mind but I distracted it. Unfortunately on the way we saw a car losing its balance and was about to turn upside down. We could only stare at the car and finger cross for its safety. Fortunately everything was fine but the incident made us scary to the level she got headache.Everything was giving a bad omen and she was worrying for no obvious reason. She managed herself to feel better later. Reaching the home we were received very nicely and we got to meet a lot of relatives from Chitral. Chatting with relatives and friends, we both were enjoying the moments. We shared our activities and funny moments and my weird laughter was adding to our happiness. Suddenly cricket clicked my mind again and the moment I opened my face book, statuses of my friends “someone turn over the game” squeezed my heart. I felt burden on my chest and hoped for miracle but they don’t always happen!! The more I scroll down the face book the more I realized that we were losing the game and to my disappointment we lost the game.

Innocent of the agonized fate

Talking chatting n partying late

Never thought of that particular date

Turning black for my beloved mate

We human beings are very perfect to adjust our emotions and act according to the situation. Soon I was lost in the wedding forgetting all about cricket, but we were destined to lose more than a game. I don’t know why one of my relatives felt it right to tell me, but trust me I was not that matured to bear such news. “Naila and her aunt met a tragic accident: aunt is no more and Naila is in the hospital” this statement took my breath away. I couldn’t say anything but I felt my heart beat out of my control. My face expressed all my condition, but I was trusted to act as nothing has happened and specially hide from Nazrana, because she is very expressive and for her Naila was everything.We were attending wedding and we were supposed not to ruin the happy faces there. She got a message from somebody telling about Naila, the moment she read the message her eyes were filled with tears, I cannot forget throughout my life. Suddenly our smiles were turned to tears and the hardest part was, when you have to smile for others but deep down you are broken to pieces. The sound of music was torturing us more. Fear of death of loved ones is always the hardest part and it becomes unendurable when you see people enjoying and laughing.

Nobody understands such episodes, until one eyeballs it. We were assured she was all right; she suffered just a minor injury. How could I make nazrana understand about it, she was constantly pledging to take her hospital and there I was dishearteningher! I was bound in the so called belief that girls shouldn’t go out alone late night. I tried to convince few relatives who knew about the accident to let us go but again we were told, it was late night and nobody is allowed there. I could see fear in her eyes which were then turned deep red. I witnessed her true love for her best friend but people out there were telling to hold back her emotions. I was so powerless that I couldn’t do anything for her. She feared of losing her everything and was told to bear because crying in front of such big crowd is something unethical. I remember Rita schiano’s beautiful quote “Tears are God’s gift to us, our holly water! They heal us as they flow” but to our sorrow, we tried to preserve the culture of not going out alone late night and behave ethical!

Until we meet again

With this inflicting pain

Venturing the road insane

Seeking your smell in vain

I ended up in life stain!

When your best friend leaves you, part of you is gone (Misti Hemlock). Naila couldn’t make it and all I was left with was lifetime regret, if only we could go to hospital. Such incidents make us question our identity!When I ponder on that situation I feel myself the weakest creature on this earth. The men of my society say there is gender equality, they claim to treat us equal and when we talk of women empowerment they call us crazy. They accuse us with being victims of western culture when we talk of freedom. We are not inspired by any western culture, but compelled because of our afflictions which make us talk of our freedom. Dear all men out there, please open your eyes and see the way you have limited us in so many rules of chain. You haven’t experience the pain of asking for every little thing!!!It might be nothing for you but how do you feel when youcan’t even go and see your best friend for the last time because it’s late. Of course it was late, very late for us to see her alive.

Dear Nazrana, I will always be sorry for when you needed me the most I was stuck between the stereotypes. I will always be sorry for when you were supposed to be near Naila, you were compelled to carry on the party and hear music. I will always be sorry for I pledged others to take us instead of standing up and getting out ourselves. I will always be sorry for being dependant on others and telling you to hold back instead of letting you cry. I am sorry for I couldn’t turn the situation for you like the players who couldn’t turn the game. If only I could take you to the hospital!!!!

Nazahat Shakir

Asian University for Women