A wife without a husband

ndoloremy
Posted December 28, 2018 from Cameroon

 Growing up as a young woman in a small village in the northwest region of Cameroon, where everyone knows evryone by name and cares for one another,my mother would always remind me to keep this in mind. That the way to a man's heart is through good food and good sex. That in so doing, the man will remain faithful to me. So i was always trained on how to take care of my husband's and family's needs.  She would also advise to be nice to my in laws especially my mother inlaw  as she would be considered my mother. 

When the time came when I finally got married to a man 20years older than me as at that time it didn't matter. What mattered was that you found some one to marry you especially if that man was working and was ready to father all your children . Mine was a man from my tribe, educated as he was a secondary school teacher and a graduate from the prestigious higher teachers 'training college. A well fixed civil servant , and with such a man, i had hit a jackpot as such complaining about his age was out of the question. 

After our traditional marriage, he took me to Ekona a peri-urban community in the southwest region of Cameroon as most of our tribesmen back then migrated to the Southwest for greener pasture .

I tried to be nice and apply all as was taught. But I began understanding that reality was different from thoughts . He would give me very little or no say in the house. I never knew how much he earned nor did I ever know when ever he took his salary.  He used to give me 15000 frs to run the house per month and after I complained and complained, he only increased it to 30000frs after i bore our first two children. 

He would never assist me with anything in the house . Whenever I begged him to do something for me he would ask me "if he should give me money for house running and still assist me with house chores?" He would not even partake in the upbringing of the children.

When I became pregnant for our 3rd child he asked me to go abort but I refused. So he refused to take responsibility for the pregnancy. It was until the 6th month of pregnancy that I had to fight with him to give me money to begin antenatal  that he finally gave me the money. I couldn't buy any new clothes for the baby. It was a good thing I had neatly kept the old clothes of my 2nd child which a washed and carefully folded them.

He owned a coco farm and another farm land. Most often we would go to the farms and spend days there maybe 3 to 4 days before coming back to town especially when he does not have classes. On the day of delivery, under severe pains, he said he was going to his farm. It was my neighbor who brought me to the hospital where I had a baby boy. He only came back the next day to settle the bills.

Two weeks later, my aunt inlaw came to the house and my husband asked me to leave my room for her. He said the baby and I should sleep on the extra metrass on the floor in the sitting room.  When I opposed because the baby needed to sleep under a mosquito net, he replied " my aunt cannot sleep on the floor in my house when I have a bed. The two of you will then have to share the bed." 

My aunt inlaw had a terrible cough which had still not been daignosed. She would cough and carry the baby and I was there,  I couldn't complain .2 weeks after her stay,  the baby was a month old then, he started coughing as well. I took him to the hospital, where he was fignosed of tuberculosis. We were hospitalised and he was given drugs but the cough didn't subside. While at the hospital, there was no one to bring me food. My husband as usual had left for his farm. I would beg my neighbors in my ward to look after the baby while I go back home to bathe my other 2 children and look for something they would eat before returning to the hospital. 

It was only then I realized I didn't have a house nor a home, nor a husband . This man had married me not for love but to exploit my innocence and raise his family . He had always said he never stopped me from working but he never made things easier for me as well . I finally realised my freedom had to be seized. 

I started saving from the 30000frs ($54)I was given a month to run the house.  Even if it meant saving a thousand France CFA. I did so for over 8months.  I enrolled in an evening school which couldn't go operational later on due to the anglophone crisis in the English speaking cameroons. So I decided to do the studies online. I picked up some free courses on entrepreneurship, leadership and personal development through the help of a friend I met when my child was hospitalised.  I hope to open a well organized small business someday which will expose me and take me to a different level.

 

 

 

This story was submitted in response to Share On Any Topic.

Comments 10

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Jill Langhus
Dec 28, 2018
Dec 28, 2018

Hello Ndolo,

I see you have been a member of World Pulse for a couple of months. I'm glad you've decided to share your sad, but also inspiring story, and welcome to the community:-) I'm sooo glad that you took and are taking your power back, dear. You will also be teaching your children to be empowered by doing this as well. I'm looking forward to hearing more about what your passion, mission and plan is, i.e., what type of business you would like to create. Please let us know more in your next post:-)

Hope you're having a great day, and good luck with your story submission!

Ngala Nadege
Dec 30, 2018
Dec 30, 2018

Hi Ndolo
Thank you for sharing its very empowering. Good luck

ARREY- ECHI
Jan 04
Jan 04

Hello Ndolo,
Welcome to WorldPulse. Sorry about your ordeal but thank you for the courage to speak out and the determination to get your life back against all the odds. Hope your baby is much better now and was cured of the cough.
Keep empowering yourself. Your kids are better off with an empowered mum.
Hugs to you.

Juliet Acom
Jan 06
Jan 06

Hello Ndolo,
Thanks for sharing your story, you trully are a wonderful person and very resilient. I do pray that you will keep rising and achieve your dreams.
It is amazing how many cultures prepare the girl child to be submissive in a marriage but do not train the boy child to be more responsible and compassionate - we have alot to teach our sons if we are to help future generations.

Tola Makinde
Feb 07
Feb 07

You have found your voice and I guess inner peace. How your baby is well now.
Stay strong and thanks for sharing

Beth Lacey
Mar 27
Mar 27

I hope you and your baby are doing better

Anita Kiddu Muhanguzi

Hi Ndolo,
Thank you so much for sharing your story with us. Wishing you all the best and looking forward to many more of your stories.
Stay blessed my dear.

Jane
Aug 29
Aug 29

Wow my sister, this is is so inspiring, I always love "women's power" I am so proud of you to have risen, dusted and started a new leaf. I know how it is to listen and obey our parents because that was as I say "was" our tradition. everything our parents taught or told us to do without questioning even if it meant that you die or raise your children under such condition. I am glad you decided to act upon your life and that of your children as a mother. Gone are those days when we were told that sex and full stomach keeps a man, a man can still go and abuse a 9 year old child with that full stomach and good sex whereas you as a mother you stuck in house cleaning cooking keeping his home warm. Thumb up for you sister and trust me, that was a giant step you took before you wasted your whole life wondering what life would have been if not being with that man, you go girl, you on the right track keep that positive spirit and tomorrow would dish out that big patter of business you dreaming about. A day lost in life is lost forever.. you did well moving forward.

ANJ ANA
Sep 02
Sep 02

Dear Ndoloremy
Thank you for sharing your experience. You are powerful women with a good heart, keep your faith always as it is. Best regards, anjana

kabahenda
Sep 13
Sep 13

My dear sister, I feel for you because as an African, I know that in the majoriy of cases, women are married to slave for the man and his family at the expense of their physical, emotional, economic and pyschological health.

I am impressed that you are a very courageous woman with a strategy and an agenda. I encourage you to continue saving until you can buy your own financial independence, and that will be your liberation, even if you choose to remain in the relatonship.

All the best.