This story is about how I battled my depression - what happened to me because of it - how i survived it - and how Covid makes me realize to value the life that I still have!
I hope that my story would inspire all the woman out there on how to deal with emotions - that's it's just okay to feel weak - to feel lonely - but then there's more to it! That being a woman take's a lot of courage and strength - that we also need to acknowledge our weaknesses but not letting it to put us down.
So, I'm writing my story for the first time!
COVID WAKED ME UP!
It was March of last year when it all started…. the emptiness, the loneliness, the bitterness… the depression that grew inside me each day!
I was known by my friends and work colleagues to be Ms. Energetic- a person who never fails to smile and gives joy to others. But early last year, it came to a point that every end of each day, I was finding myself at the corner of my room, lurking on that depression! It’s getting out of control each day which makes me want to just disappear in this world! The woman whom everybody knew to be a strong kind of woman suddenly becomes so weak. The woman whom others thought she got all the answers suddenly doesn’t know anything. That woman just suddenly wants to be banished! And what did that woman do? Succumb in loneliness while drowning herself on alcohol every night! and of course, every action has its own consequence… indeed a bad consequence!
It was March of last year when I found myself puking blood which scared me to death… the ER doctor said it’s not just blood I was puking but a lot of acids which later on burned by upper stomach and lower esophagus. The pain that I felt on my abdomen was excruciating and endless at that time! They have to put on a liquid diet for a month because of my “esophageal ulcer” a rare case where stomach acids already went up and damaged lower esophagus… it went on until April when they have to conduct a simple endoscopy to see again the damage on my lower esophagus. But that simple procedure turned out to be a devastating moment in my life after my esophagus exploded… yeahhh it literally exploded when they attempted to insert the very thin tube on my esophagus. Everybody panicked of course specially my hubby seeing my eyes, my face bloating! And so they have to perform an immediate surgery to cut out my lower esophagus… and I got saved! The surgeon said that it’s a miracle indeed that toxins from the explosion of my esophagus did not spread to my internal organs, otherwise I wouldn’t make it! So there you go, I woke up with an Intubation. I struggled! More pain! I then found out that they have to put my remaining esophagus (the upper one) on my neck, I couldn’t be fed orally and my saliva goes out of my neck (gross) so I have to put on tons of tissue on that portion of my neck and replace it every 5minutes. And they also put a jejunum tube on me to feed me there. I didn’t know then if I’ll be grateful that I survived! I struggled a lot! But all those pains made me realize that I am indeed a strong woman and that I am strong because God made me strong and that I just totally forgot that… forgot that I have God! And yes I don’t have all the answers because it’s just God who knows everything. And that I don’t have to find anybody else to rely on to because I can only rely on to God on everything! I lost me because I lost God in me, totally! And there on the NICU bed where I found God’s hands pulling me up and pulling me out of darkness! And yes I still struggle and I still feel pain, but this time I have my God to get me through! So came June for my next surgery…. to take a portion of my right colon and stitch on as my lower esophagus. I knew then that my life or eating habit wouldn’t be like before. And again, I surpass the major surgery. Few weeks and they removed my jejunum tube and I was able to feed on my mouth again… slowly!
It was March of last year when I started to be so depressed, got so sick, almost died and survived! I slowly started my second life… accepting all my weaknesses... showing to people my loneliness and letting them to cheer me up! And yeah, I started embracing that I am not strong because of me but I am strong because of the people around me, my love-ones, my family, and above all, God makes me strong! And it’s okay to reveal your weakness, it wouldn’t define you at all… but it sharpens you more! It’s okay to be lonely but not deal with loneliness alone and rather share it with others. Everything molded me to be stronger, tougher, and be real on my emotions! And yeah, time heals all pain…
But… as human as we are, we tend to remember the pain… the loneliness… the heartaches… the depression!
Or maybe because it’s March again… and my body knows exactly what happened on March of last year!
All the pain… the loneliness… the heartaches… the depression… are all coming back! But it’s also March when this Covid-19 started to take on the News! It’s just everywhere… television and all social media! And it hit me! The rising number of death tolls, the panicking everywhere… it just hit me! It’s like a breeze of wind that blew on my face that suddenly awakened my senses… the breeze telling me that “hey there’s a lot going on around you.. there’s more serious problem that needs your urgent attention… and that your family needs you now more than ever” and that slapped me in the face! Funny ha! It’s like telling me that there’s no time to be depressed again.. because there are more people out there who doesn’t want to end their life but because of the Covid- they just did not have the choice! So right there and then, when our President declared a lockdown in the Philippines – I got waken up! Covid woke me up to take life seriously! Be grateful of life while you still have it… and love your life while you still can!
And now, I’ve surpassed March again! And I’m continuing to fight for the second life that God has preciously given me! I am continuing to love the life which I’m gratefully sharing to my love-ones! No depression can take me down – even this Covid thingy! Because I have a big God who can battle everything for me! For us!
So let’s keep our faith up!