My transexual identity and pain

Nicole reid
Posted April 17, 2019 from Australia

This letter was written by me when I was 18 in order to receive mental health services I was in a bad mental state when I wrote it. I spose I want people to understand just how hard this condition is

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            Statement about my issues with Gender Dysphoria         To Clinical Director,                                        I am writing this statement it's very hard to express true emotion and feeling with simple words but i hope that the amount of depression I feel every day can be understood via reading this statement. I hate having a male anatomy body parts i intend to have them removed as i feel they shouldn't be there having masculine things on my body causes me daily distress as I am a woman and all ways have been. I have been hospitalized for trying to amputate my male anatomy and received 6 stiches due to this I have a case manger for harps from the st Vincent hospital the case manger name is heather and her .I have also done over the internet hormones to try and help  me get rid of my masculine looks that causes me distress as I don’t like features of my face or body I was trying to make my body female. i wish I had female reproductive organs or virginal system all i can think about daily is sex reassignment surgery and getting rid of my male penis to finally have a body that make since to me . I want  body parts to suite how I feel as a woman. my current situations are at the point to where i have been existed out of employment opportunities and a Couse that i have recently started they want to take me out of there training this is due to how bad my feeling really are about my body impacts my ability to concentrate and be happy with who I am . I have a somewhat supportive family and their happy that I'm trying to gain medical help in relation to this i was seeing dr Jaco Erasmus and i did not feel like i could talk to him i just felt very uncomfortable as this subject to me is not easy to talk about and thinking about my body can be very triggering to my depression and cause me to harm myself as of recently i have been thinking about the thought of suicide as i don't have any good quality of life it feel like i will never be able to correct my body and often feels like no one is going to help     i am currently a student doing makeup Couse and sometime I sit in

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the corner and try to hide myself  i don't want people seeing me as I don't feel comfortable with people seeing my masculinity I want my body to represent how I feel as a woman. 

 

note I do have current intentions of amputation as I feel this is what I need to help me have a better quality of life with female body parts. 

Also note that I am willing to been seen and billed privately  

Thank you  

 

From Nicole Meredith Reid

Comments 10

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Jill Langhus
Apr 17
Apr 17

Wow Nicole,

Thanks so much for having the courage to share this truly vulnerable and insightful letter with us. I can feel the pain you were going through. How do you feel now about your sexuality and body? I hope you aren't so conflicted now?!

Apr 17
Apr 17
This comment has been removed by the commenter or a moderator.
Nicole reid
Apr 17
Apr 17

The stigma about transgender identity disorder is a major factor in the world. I believe the more people who openly discuss issue of gender identity disorder and its implications on life will reduce stigma

Jill Langhus
Apr 18
Apr 18

Yes, it is. I feel like there is finally more and more openness around this issue. Don't you? How is it in Australia? I totally agree with you that the more people that open up about it the more it will reduce stigma, too. I'm glad you're feeling a lot better, too, now. I hope you continue to spread awareness to help alleviate anxiety/depression for others with the same challenges that you have faced, too. Do you feel this is your life's purpose?

Hope you're having a good day.

Nicole reid
Apr 18
Apr 18

Australia is catching up with in regards to transgender support and mental health support for gender identity disorder. There is a lot more exposure to advertising and tv shows that display lgbt. No one ever talks about how debilitating it really is. Hopefully by me taking and sharing this it can help others understand who don't know what transgender is or understand what it's like mentlly. Hopefully people don't feel alone and talk about it. I don't have a large platform or exposure my goal in life is to help others in life

Jill Langhus
Apr 19
Apr 19

Oh, good. That's great to hear:-)

Yes, there is, which is also good.

I can see that there could be room for improvement with that, for sure. I was just saying to my husband there is a show that we watch and the lead character has depression, but not the type of depression they usually show on tv or in movies. It's the debilitating variety; more like some people really experience but is often ignored. My point is there needs to be more sensitization around real challenges such as what you have, and are going through, so that there is less stigma, and way more acceptance, and support around it.

Yes, it's great that you're putting yourself out there. That's a great goal, dear. Please continue to let us know how we can support you.

Hope you have a good day, and weekend.

Maya Iwata
Apr 17
Apr 17

Nicole,
Thank you for sharing your letter from when you were 18. I appreciate your courage in sharing something so private to help other people understand how hard Gender Dysphoria is. Are you connected to people to are supportive to you and peer organizations? How are things for you now?

Nicole reid
Apr 17
Apr 17

At the age of 18 all I was told by psychologists and psychiatrist not much research had been done and we don't know how to help you. The system for gender transition has changed dramatically years ago when I went they did the Benjamin system. Now is the informed consent. After receiving hormone treatment I noticed my depression was reduced and my thyroid antibodies count was normal I had been having thyroid issues not after hormone treatment. After I had gender aliment surgery it felt like a heavyness was gone sadness as well ever since that took place it has been a benefit to my mental health and family and in the community

Maya Iwata
Apr 19
Apr 19

Nicole,
So happy to hear that things are much better for you! Your experience of gender alignment surgery sounds like a number of friends I know who felt so much better afterwards. Thank you again for sharing your story.

Beth Lacey
Jun 01
Jun 01

You have a lot of courage and I wish you well