My transexual identity and pain

This letter was written by me when I was 18 in order to receive mental health services I was in a bad mental state when I wrote it. I spose I want people to understand just how hard this condition is

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            Statement about my issues with Gender Dysphoria  

      To Clinical Director, 
                                      I am writing this statement it's very hard to express true emotion and feeling with simple words but i hope that the amount of depression I feel every day can be understood via reading this statement. I hate having a male anatomy body parts i intend to have them removed as i feel they shouldn't be there having masculine things on my body causes me daily distress as I am a woman and all ways have been. I have been hospitalized for trying to amputate my male anatomy and received 6 stiches due to this I have a case manger for harps from the st Vincent hospital the case manger name is heather and her .I have also done over the internet hormones to try and help 
me get rid of my masculine looks that causes me distress as I don’t like features of my face or body I was trying to make my body female. i wish I had female reproductive organs or virginal system all i can think about daily is sex reassignment surgery and getting rid of my male penis to finally have a body that make since to me . I want  body parts to suite how I feel as a woman. my current situations are at the point to where i have been existed out of employment opportunities and a Couse that i have recently started they want to take me out of there training this is due to how bad my feeling really are about my body impacts my ability to concentrate and be happy with who I am . I have a somewhat supportive family and their happy that I'm trying to gain medical help in relation to this i was seeing dr Jaco Erasmus and i did not feel like i could talk to him i just felt very uncomfortable as this subject to me is not easy to talk about and thinking about my body can be very triggering to my depression and cause me to harm myself as of recently i have been thinking about the thought of suicide as i don't have any good quality of life it feel like i will never be able to correct my body and often feels like no one is going to help  
  i am currently a student doing makeup Couse and sometime I sit in

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the corner and try to hide myself  i don't want people seeing me as I don't feel comfortable with people seeing my masculinity I want my body to represent how I feel as a woman. 

note I do have current intentions of amputation as I feel this is what I need to help me have a better quality of life with female body parts. 

Also note that I am willing to been seen and billed privately  

Thank you  

From Nicole Meredith Reid