Guttural Utterings

Posted March 22, 2018











No one really there


   Here I am


Filling the gutters


   With blood




Regaining my senses


   I came to


With a smack on the      pavement


   I Awoke


      As if from a bad dream


To the fact that


      I’d been dragged through


             The gutter


                   All my life



I picked the sandwich wrappers


    Bits of chewed gum    and


       Cellophane from my hair


Pulled the leaves out of my socks




Got up






   Yes, I could move




   I did!



               Away from the gutters


    And the cities that inhabited them



Away from the plate glass windows


    That stared back at me


         With empty eyes




My eyes


    Reflecting the nothing


       “They” saw me as



The worthless discarded debris


   “They” had tossed out


           Used up


                The torn tattered images of me in


                      Child pornography



The baggage dumped




         Out of men’s beds in sleazy motel rooms


The baggage dumped




          On a carousel to nowhere





    I escaped


Into the cavities of unknown


    I escaped


Into nature




I cried






Under the cover of darkness


     On stormy nights


Hidden by claps of thunder




The wild animals of the forest




Bore witness to my pain


     The coyotes howled


As I let loose


     The terror


         That had held me together


               Like a spring finally sprung




A deer walked gently


     Around my tent one night


As my screams ripped


     The silent air




She gave me comfort










I received a gift


     A sense of wholeness





THIS is where I belong


With moss for a bed


     Branches for my cover


I curl against the earth


     Receiving her tenderness


Until the terror melts


     From my cells


And I can safely hug trees



Now I feel the birds alight on my hand


      I am not quite ready for human touch


The gutter was just too much


      But the wildness    gives to me


          What I can now




                    To someday


Receive fully


    From womonbeings



You Are My Someday!

Comments 7

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Jill Langhus
Mar 22, 2018
Mar 22, 2018

Hi Oak Trillium:) All I can say is, "wow." You definitely have a way with words. Your wounds have given you ample literary ground to pool from, and you do it so well. I hope you are finding the love and support you need within our sisterhood?!

Mar 26, 2018
Mar 26, 2018

Thank you!

Jill Langhus
Mar 26, 2018
Mar 26, 2018

You're welcome:)

Mar 23, 2018
Mar 23, 2018

This is very inspiring, it reminds me of my poems too.
I love every word and I love your style too. Keep on pouring out your mind.

Mar 26, 2018
Mar 26, 2018

Yes words to pour out of me!!! So grateful for the healing power of writing.

Tamarack Verrall
Mar 25, 2018
Mar 25, 2018

Dear Oak Trillium,

What a profound and beautiful message of deep healing from searing pain through courage to face the reality, and by letting yourself sink deeply into the womb of Nature with her soft moss, her quiet, her animals and her trees. What a spiritual journey of healing, dear sister.

Mar 26, 2018
Mar 26, 2018

Yes, coming home to the earth as comfort has been such a gift in my recovery, this goes back many years, the incident with the deer happened on women's land when I was homeless and going from land to land in the 90's. Still stays with me as I feel more trust in nature than anywhere else. People ask aren't you afraid of living alone in the woods!? I say there's more to fear living amongst people!!!!