Guttural Utterings

OakTrillium
Posted March 22, 2018

Twisted

 

   Broken

 

      Tattered

 

          Scarred

 

 

 

No one really there

 

   Here I am

 

Filling the gutters

 

   With blood

 

 

 

Regaining my senses

 

   I came to

 

With a smack on the      pavement

 

   I Awoke

 

      As if from a bad dream

 

To the fact that

 

      I’d been dragged through

 

             The gutter

 

                   All my life

 

 

I picked the sandwich wrappers

 

    Bits of chewed gum    and

 

       Cellophane from my hair

 

Pulled the leaves out of my socks

 

 

 

Got up

 

 

 

Stretch

 

   Yes, I could move

 

Move

 

   I did!

 

 

               Away from the gutters

 

    And the cities that inhabited them

 

 

Away from the plate glass windows

 

    That stared back at me

 

         With empty eyes

 

 

 

My eyes

 

    Reflecting the nothing

 

       “They” saw me as

 

 

The worthless discarded debris

 

   “They” had tossed out

 

           Used up

 

                The torn tattered images of me in

 

                      Child pornography

 

 

The baggage dumped

 

     Unceremoniously

 

         Out of men’s beds in sleazy motel rooms

 

The baggage dumped

 

     Unceremoniously

 

          On a carousel to nowhere

 

 

Homeless

 

    I escaped

 

Into the cavities of unknown

 

    I escaped

 

Into nature

 

 

 

I cried

 

    Screamed

 

       Raged

 

Under the cover of darkness

 

     On stormy nights

 

Hidden by claps of thunder

 

 

 

The wild animals of the forest

 

     Unafraid

 

Bore witness to my pain

 

     The coyotes howled

 

As I let loose

 

     The terror

 

         That had held me together

 

               Like a spring finally sprung

 

 

 

A deer walked gently

 

     Around my tent one night

 

As my screams ripped

 

     The silent air

 

 

 

She gave me comfort

 

     Circling

 

           Circling

 

                 Circling

 

 

 

I received a gift

 

     A sense of wholeness

 

         Connection

 

 

THIS is where I belong

 

With moss for a bed

 

     Branches for my cover

 

I curl against the earth

 

     Receiving her tenderness

 

Until the terror melts

 

     From my cells

 

And I can safely hug trees

 

 

Now I feel the birds alight on my hand

 

      I am not quite ready for human touch

 

The gutter was just too much

 

      But the wildness    gives to me

 

          What I can now

 

              Hope

 

                    To someday

 

Receive fully

 

    From womonbeings

 

 

You Are My Someday!

Comments 7

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Jill Langhus
Mar 22, 2018
Mar 22, 2018

Hi Oak Trillium:) All I can say is, "wow." You definitely have a way with words. Your wounds have given you ample literary ground to pool from, and you do it so well. I hope you are finding the love and support you need within our sisterhood?!

OakTrillium
Mar 26, 2018
Mar 26, 2018

Thank you!

Jill Langhus
Mar 26, 2018
Mar 26, 2018

You're welcome:)

Olutosin
Mar 23, 2018
Mar 23, 2018

This is very inspiring, it reminds me of my poems too.
I love every word and I love your style too. Keep on pouring out your mind.

OakTrillium
Mar 26, 2018
Mar 26, 2018

Yes words to pour out of me!!! So grateful for the healing power of writing.

Tamarack Verrall
Mar 25, 2018
Mar 25, 2018

Dear Oak Trillium,

What a profound and beautiful message of deep healing from searing pain through courage to face the reality, and by letting yourself sink deeply into the womb of Nature with her soft moss, her quiet, her animals and her trees. What a spiritual journey of healing, dear sister.

OakTrillium
Mar 26, 2018
Mar 26, 2018

Yes, coming home to the earth as comfort has been such a gift in my recovery, this goes back many years, the incident with the deer happened on women's land when I was homeless and going from land to land in the 90's. Still stays with me as I feel more trust in nature than anywhere else. People ask aren't you afraid of living alone in the woods!? I say there's more to fear living amongst people!!!!