Why do we tolerate abusive partners? Do we like to suffer or we are just not so right in our heads? Or both?
I am so mad at myself for being so spineless and weak, for letting somebody treat me like garbage and make me swallow my pride time after time. It’s on me and this is the most difficult to accept. The fact that the closest and the most beloved one in your life humiliates and manipulates you is terrible to become aware of but what can be worse than that is realizing that you, you let all of that happen even after your eyes got open and you saw that you live with and love a monster and whatever he feels about you it isn’t love for sure. And you just throw your pride and dignity to the garbage, breaking your own boundaries, forgiving things that you always said that you would never tolerate. You let somebody change you, make you not who you are, play with your life and feelings like it’s nothing. But if it is nothing for him, whatever the reasons are, why should it be nothing for you? Why would he possibly change his attitude towards you if he is testing you and checking how far he can go and how much you gonna tolerate and you are simply following his rules and playing his game? So what if you are trying to protest once in a while and showing that you are pissed and hurt, in the end you forgive him anyway and he is a winner, he broke you one more time and it worked. So why not to do that again? You are expecting that he will suddenly start caring about your feelings and cease to neglect you but why on earth would he? Why to keep living in a fairytale and believing that one day shit will smell like flowers? You are a grown woman, you lived before him quite a while and you learnt some things about life, right? So probably you understand that the table will never become a chair. You may do whatever about it: sitting on it trying to convince yourself that it’s comfortable and pretty good for that purpose, you can believe a table playing a chair for years but in the end it will remain a table for the rest of it’s days because this is what it is. Nothing will ever change in this kind of relationship because your partner is simply not empathetic, at least towards you. And it should be more than enough for you. He may be a prince charming with others and everybody maybe sure that he is such an angel, amazingly nice person, always polite and easy-going, joking around and so on, such a likable guy, all his exes are trying to be back to him, checking his stories on the instagram and dreaming of catching a piece of him, whatever. He is using that against your accusations every time you are having an argument just being like, ‘wtf are you talking about, I am toxic? Toxic my ass, look, all my exes want to be back to me’. But you should not listen to all this brainwashing talks because the only truth is that he is abusive and cruel and all those poor girls are chasing after him for the same reasons you are doing that now: he charmed them, played them and left with a feeling that he is the best thing they have ever had in their lives and ever gonna have and they are too neurotic to reject it. And why are all his exes neurotic? Because a woman with a good mental health would never tolerate even 1% of his behavior and he is used to be a winner and the one who runs the game, not vice versa. The person is breaking your balls and your heart at the same time and you are still thinking that he loves you, he is just a complicated person. But what does it have to do with love? Is it love to humiliate, neglect, gaslight, cheat on, lie constantly? Is it love to abuse verbally and physically? To ignore you, laugh at you, breaking promises all the time and making you feel like you are nothing? Is it love when every situation where he is wrong is turned upside down and in the end you have to apologise? Ask yourself all of that and then ask yourself, so what are you still waiting for? What is your non-return point if you already forgave him literally everything including cheating, beating, cursing and manipulating? I am gonna tell you something that you gonna understand that I know what I am talking about and not just getting annoyed about women that just complain and don't want to change their lives. I’d been in this kind of relationship for 2 years. I got beaten plenty of times, cheated on with hundreds of girls including my best friend, I have never seen respect from my ex. My story is a bit different from most of the stories of that kind, he wasn’t playing a nice guy for too long in the beginning to charm me, it lasted for not more than a couple of days. After that he began to show me how little he cared and he hasn’t stopped until today. I cried, I was hurt and I tolerated more and more and things got only worse. Why didn’t I just go? I tried to, I really did but every time he called me back I ran back, no matter what happened before. Just because I couldn’t bear the pain of losing him and I wanted it to stop. For the sake of being next to him I tolerated endless abuse. He pushed me away and kicked me out of his house plenty of times and our relationship was like a circus for all the neighbours that heard us yelling and saw me sitting on my luggage downstairs, crying. After he bit me again we finally found ourselves in the police and I was an idiot enough to protect him because he asked me to lie to save him from spending 6 years in a cell. And because I lived with him in his country illegally (my visa expired 6 months ago and we decided that we will fix it later and that I am gonna stay like that for a while), going to the police station to protect him from absolutely fair faith and from what he really deserved led to problems for me and in the end I was taken to immigration jail for my visa problems. And while I was there guess what happened? He’d been cheating on me with my best friend for a month, doing drugs with her and having fun and simultaneously been talking with me on the phone every day and listening to me crying and telling him how much I loved him. Without even blinking. What do you think about this kind of love? And do you think I said, ‘oh it’s too much, I am done with him’? No, I forgave him after he cried and begged me to have mercy on him and give him a chance. He swore that he would never let me down again, never hurt again, that the purpose of his life from that moment on was to love and protect me. Guess what happened next. I got deported and he just took all his words back saying that what was said yesterday stayed there and doesn’t mean that he owes me keeping his promises. And simply kept driving me crazy with cheating and playing me like I was nothing. But I really was nothing, I let him make me nothing. I abandoned myself and my principles and was expecting of a tomato to squeeze grape juice out of itself. What the hell happened to me? I keep asking myself, how could I let it happen, how could I let all of that go so far that I completely lost myself in a person that couldn’t care less about me. I thought that all of that was worth it just for the sake of good things that we had but I completely forgot that it doesnt matter at all what good things you have if at the same time you have constant abuse in your relationship. There are things that just don’t get along with love and abuse, violence, cheating and betrayals are amongst them. And I made myself blind about it and refused to take off those pink glasses that made everything look acceptable while all the people who cared told me that I was completely insane doing that to myself. I lost all my friends, didn’t have my own money anymore, became completely dependent on him and his will, was chasing after him even when he found somebody else and started a new relationship, posted pictures of her and two of them together and sent me intimate pictures of how great they spent time. I forgave everything and forced myself to be ok with things I wasn’t really ok with. And of course it couldn’t work this way. The story ceased to be after I got pregnant and he again promised me the world and in the end behaved exactly the way I expected him to. After you were there plenty of times and suffered from all possible kinds of pain you know what to expect. You already know he will do it again but you still want to believe his nice words because they sound so sweet. He can be persuasive but you will not eat it anymore because there is nothing new about it, it’s just all and the same goes around. You know the scenario: he gives a promise and doesn’t care about it when the time comes to keep it. You know the rules: he will blame you for him breaking his promises and you can either quit or play his game, apologise, beg and maybe, after he is gonna have enough fun with other girls, he will come back by ‘giving you a favour and forgiving you for your disgusting behavior’. And you will accept him and this sick neurotic swing will keep moving. And I always chose the latter but this time was different after he did that again because he did it not only to me but to our baby as well. I made a decision that I am done after he told me that he was putting everything with us on hold and it’s up to me if there gonna be ‘us’ again: I need to make him feel that being with me and the baby is worth it and until then he will be considered a single guy that can see other girls. It’s my fault that he is doing that and because of that I don’t need to complain. First thing I felt was shivering and being terrified. But then I just realized that it was stupid of me to think that he wouldn’t do that to me because I am expecting. He has never had no morality, why would he behave like a normal person now? Even if there were five babies he wouldn’t change for one simple reason: he doesn’t care about me and he’d been with me all this time because he got used to having me like his pet that he could feed with shit as much as he wanted. And I just said to myself that if now again I let it go, if I say to myself that I need to prevent him from cheating to save our family or if I believe him (rather not believe but make myself let it go) after he comes and says that he didn’t do anything, I will be the most idiotic and stupid person in the world and the worst person ever to be a parent for my baby. I quit. And somewhere there deep inside under the pain I feel a relief, feel that I finally did the right thing. I know that whatever he says that it’s my fault and I am immature, stupid, useless and ugly it’s all nonsense. He is bad to me, it will stay like that forever and furthermore, he will be bad to our baby and our family will be completely dysfunctional. Nothing will ever change about this relationship and even if he is what my sick head wants, he is definitely not what I need. And neither does our baby need a father that can abandon him every single day for a sake of having fun with girls from tinder and instagram. I was scared all the time that he was going to leave me and in the end he did everything, literally everything for me to leave him. And now it’s going to be a very difficult period of time of learning how to live without him, becoming a normal whole and alive person again, making money, fixing relationships with friends that got forgotten by me completely or making new ones. It’s gonna be hard but it’s the only way. And I want to tell everybody who is getting abused by their partners and can’t leave them: a shitty ending is better than endless shit. Now I know that too.