Blossom

payal_4
Posted March 11, 2018 from United States

The other day I was told that I have blossomed in the last few years and have grown into myself. At first, I felt offended. I thought I had blossomed a long time ago lol. But after continuously having this statement running through my mind, I agreed. At the age of 29, I have blossomed. I have grown. But this has little to do with myself and more to do with the experiences I’ve faced. It’s safe to say that my experiences are experiences many girls face. 

The pain of having a partner who I was dating and living with for 8 years totally changed after marriage. His family pressured him to expect me to be a “woman” that’s “acceptable”. Everyone threw slurs at me because I wasn’t what they wanted me to be. There wasn’t a day where I didn’t cry out of pain. I was only 27 years old, just passed the bar exam and had no idea who I was as a woman. My teens were spent working hard to get into college, my college years were spent partying and dating, and my law school years were spent trying to do well in my classes. 

I would feel myself getting panic attacks all the time. My dad had become an alcoholic, my mom has never understood me and my brother and I no longer connected. My partner had completely changed and the life I had imagined was destroyed all because I wasn’t “good” enough. Sometimes I used to imagine myself running so far away and never coming back. But, how could I run away? I had no where to go. And how could I leave my partner if he was struggling with so much pain himself. Underneath everything, he was the one I loved and have connected the most with. How do we so easily leave someone so good for us just because he’s going through issues of his own? I felt as if leaving was giving up but I also felt that staying was weakness.

Luckily, things have changed in the last year, as we decided the best thing for us was to create boundaries from toxicity. The most difficult part has been forgiveness. I have relied on self help books, prayer, yoga, running and meditation to practice forgiveness. But the idea of my kindness and love never being enough because I am not a culturally acceptable female makes me sick. I still can’t understand why these people wanted to control me? 

The second most difficult part has been acceptance. Acceptance that there are people in this world with views that a woman must change her last name, never divorce, have children, be a home maker, etc. Obviously, I am tolerant of other people’s views but I find the ones that seem humanely unjust difficult to tolerate. I don’t want to tolerate hate, cruelty, and forcefulness. 

I think I blossomed the day I decided I am amazing, beautiful, and don’t have to limit myself because of my gender, the day I decided that I am accepting of all people and not going to judge someone because they don’t fit into my idea of woman or man. I have become fierce, strong, forgiving, and more loving than I ever was. And it is so beautiful to see that so many women have come to this point as well. I don’t feel alone anymore, no matter where I go or what happens. We are all so lucky for this movement and I hope that I can become as strong as all of you.

This story was submitted in response to You Are a Silence Breaker.

Comments 13

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Jill Langhus
Mar 12, 2018
Mar 12, 2018

Hi Payal:) Good luck on your story submission!

sridevi k
Mar 12, 2018
Mar 12, 2018

Dear Payal,
U r an amazing and beautiful woman, Many a times I too feel like running away from this city where I was born & bought up, but can't help, Life and circumstances make ppl mature and understanding. I'm sure we all learn in our day to day lives. When u have dated some1 for 8 long yrs and married. U should be able to impose ur love and affection on him and ur bond should become stronger by the day. I wish u success in all your endeavors by grace of Almighty God.
Yours Sincerely
Sridevii

JulieG
Mar 13, 2018
Mar 13, 2018

Dear Payal,

Thank you so much for sharing your story. I really loved your ending, "I think I blossomed the day I decided I am amazing, beautiful, and don’t have to limit myself because of my gender..." Having compassion, acceptance and love for ourselves can sometimes be so difficult. You are not alone!
Warmly,
Julie

Beth Lacey
Mar 14, 2018
Mar 14, 2018

Payal, if you ever feel in doubt, go back and read what you have written. You are strong and powerful and you worked hard to get here. Blessings to you.
Beth

Tamarack Verrall
Mar 27, 2018
Mar 27, 2018

Dear Payal,

I held my breath as I read through your journey. The unwritten restrictions on women who do not fit the tight mold we are expected to squeeze into, form a long and impossible list. Especially with expectations of women within marriage. I have heard so many times that relationships change the day after marriage. It was inspiring and joyful to read about your journey through to a deeper understanding of yourself and what you want in life. I loved reading that you have become fierce and loving. Journey on, sister. I am so glad to be linking arms with you here in our powerful network.

rehema lyoka
Apr 24, 2018
Apr 24, 2018

Dear Payal

Am so happy that you found your drive and purpose in life before it was to late , hoping that the young girls that will read this article will find theirs as well

Valéria Barbosa
Apr 25, 2018
Apr 25, 2018

Dear sister, I think you have ceased to be a flower and have become a garden. A garden that shares strength and says: is not happy, stop, think, move and change and you have changed and today is a beautiful garden to charm the hope of several women in the world. Congratulations and fly in the spring of your maturation and self-recognition of how beautiful and full it is.

Colleen Abdoulah
May 01, 2018
May 01, 2018

for sure you are NOT alone; ever...
I appreciate what you have shared. I do believe loving ourselves is the only way to show up for others in a loving compassion way. It took me years to learn how to be gracious towards myself and not be critical or limit myself with negative thoughts. And we never should tolerate hate, cruelty and injustice -- the more we stand up to these things with consistency and strength and numbers we will affect change! We are all here on this journey with you. Blessings

joyce nelly
Jun 08, 2018
Jun 08, 2018

Dear payal your story is a very touching one I must say.but I am happy you have finally move on from the bitterness you felt or the thought of running away and your instead bracing up to the challenge and facing it head long like the strong woman that you are .wish you all the best

Stephanie Mah
Jul 06, 2018
Jul 06, 2018

Hi Payal.Thanks for sharing.your story is very encouraging. You have encouraged me not to carry my stigma .do not think you're not strong, you are much more than some of us.when you admirer people ahead of you, no that there are others admiring you from behind.

Sophia Uroko
Jul 18, 2018
Jul 18, 2018

Payal, you are not alone in the journey. Thank God for your bold step. Strong will drive is very important in maturity. A woman is matured when she controls her circumstances perfectly. More power to your elbow, you will excel.

Reena Saxena
Jul 21, 2018
Jul 21, 2018

I can relate to your story totally. We are not accepted, when we don't conform - both at work and at home. But at some point, it makes you a stronger person. We learn to walk alone, because we were compelled to do so. There are many others who were not given a chance.

Lily Habesha
Oct 08, 2018
Oct 08, 2018

Payal,
Be yourself, do what you like and what pleases you is my Motto. Some people want to force us, twist our arms and guide us in their path, that should not work for some of us.

Later, when they realize who we are, they will begin admiring us.

Keep going

Lily