The other day I was told that I have blossomed in the last few years and have grown into myself. At first, I felt offended. I thought I had blossomed a long time ago lol. But after continuously having this statement running through my mind, I agreed. At the age of 29, I have blossomed. I have grown. But this has little to do with myself and more to do with the experiences I’ve faced. It’s safe to say that my experiences are experiences many girls face.
The pain of having a partner who I was dating and living with for 8 years totally changed after marriage. His family pressured him to expect me to be a “woman” that’s “acceptable”. Everyone threw slurs at me because I wasn’t what they wanted me to be. There wasn’t a day where I didn’t cry out of pain. I was only 27 years old, just passed the bar exam and had no idea who I was as a woman. My teens were spent working hard to get into college, my college years were spent partying and dating, and my law school years were spent trying to do well in my classes.
I would feel myself getting panic attacks all the time. My dad had become an alcoholic, my mom has never understood me and my brother and I no longer connected. My partner had completely changed and the life I had imagined was destroyed all because I wasn’t “good” enough. Sometimes I used to imagine myself running so far away and never coming back. But, how could I run away? I had no where to go. And how could I leave my partner if he was struggling with so much pain himself. Underneath everything, he was the one I loved and have connected the most with. How do we so easily leave someone so good for us just because he’s going through issues of his own? I felt as if leaving was giving up but I also felt that staying was weakness.
Luckily, things have changed in the last year, as we decided the best thing for us was to create boundaries from toxicity. The most difficult part has been forgiveness. I have relied on self help books, prayer, yoga, running and meditation to practice forgiveness. But the idea of my kindness and love never being enough because I am not a culturally acceptable female makes me sick. I still can’t understand why these people wanted to control me?
The second most difficult part has been acceptance. Acceptance that there are people in this world with views that a woman must change her last name, never divorce, have children, be a home maker, etc. Obviously, I am tolerant of other people’s views but I find the ones that seem humanely unjust difficult to tolerate. I don’t want to tolerate hate, cruelty, and forcefulness.
I think I blossomed the day I decided I am amazing, beautiful, and don’t have to limit myself because of my gender, the day I decided that I am accepting of all people and not going to judge someone because they don’t fit into my idea of woman or man. I have become fierce, strong, forgiving, and more loving than I ever was. And it is so beautiful to see that so many women have come to this point as well. I don’t feel alone anymore, no matter where I go or what happens. We are all so lucky for this movement and I hope that I can become as strong as all of you.