Introducing myself ( part 2 )

Tan Ching
Posted September 23, 2015 from Singapore

I have introduced myself ( Please refer to paragraph 2 onwards )....Based on my one terrible decision that I made, to marry a scambag ...a very short marriage. Seriously, dating is nothing like marriage..you really see someone's real side as living together daily, needs compromising and accomodating to each other's fault but tolerating him of having women outside...NO.......... not that I can do it. Becoming so concerned about women issues is therefore what my own experiences have pushed me into as I was forced into a corner during a harsh divorce which was heatedly contested in the family court. Monetary losses, emotional turmoil and having to balance my life in the midst of it those few years are so unforgettable. Advocating for women empowerment online seemed to be the most convenient tool for me then and remains so till now. I needed to tell my story. Writing on forums as I joined women groups online also became a "place" for me to vent my frustrations, not to get my feelings be bottled up...In my life here, I went to sessions conducted by AWARE and knew more about what women groups are doing. Based on my own free will, I signed up as a member in the ruling party here, PAP's women wing since I also had to appeal for my case with a matrimonial flat on the verge of being surrendered to the authority. My appeal wasn't successful ( not to elaborate in this journal as I have written details of how the court case unfolded before in ony of my journals ). One development worldwide that is worth celebrating is that women empowerment seems to be getting more attention these few years. I will continue to tweet and write in other social media, connecting online with women groups and to champion for women's rights. Women have to volunteer for ourselves. Please continue to read on my family background in the following paragraphs ( also available in another journal of mine ).

I am born in Singapore. My grandparents are from China. We are of Teochew descendants. When I was in primary school, my grandparents paased away due to old age. I have never seen my grandfathers before as they died only in their 50s, years before I was born. I knew from my parents that they fled China during chaotic times. Ony of my grandfathers was a soldier at that time. It was due to circumstances that forced them to leave their hometown, to migrate to Singapore, an island situated in Southeast Asia. It is a rather attractive destination for China-born migrants, even till current times. My grandparents had to disguise themselves as they sailed in the ship, to reach Singapore and Malaysia since my maternal side reside in Muar, Malaysia but the paternal side reside in Singapore. My parents are actually cousins who got married, rather acceptable in those days so my grandmothers are siblings.

When I was young, till my secondary school days, my family was poor as we lived in a one-room rental public housing flat. My elder brother was the good example, as he was the first among our Tan family ( including the cousins ) to enter into the university. I was rather determined to finish at least a polytechnic ( tertiary ) education during times of poverty that I experienced during my secondary school days. It might not be that common during the 1980s to hear of a family having financial diffculty to buy even just a sack of rice but that was how poor we were then. I was young but I could understand how lack of money could even threaten to tear a family apart, but divorce wasn't something acceptable then so my parents stay together. My father wasn't someone we could respect alot that time due to money problems faced as all of us were angry. This is my past but we came to terms with this and got over it once we are all grown up and independent. After my poly, I worked and studied part-time, completing up to postgraduate studies. Of course, in life, we always set goals and have our dreams. I once ever wanted to have a complete family with my own kid. However, this dream did not materialise with a harsh divorce that I had never imagine I would go through in my life. Now that I have already woken up that my marriage is one that has no fairy-tale ending but he is like a "demon" who once plotted to take my life, perhaps to achieve the aims that he wanted to meet. Times have changed as even Chinese like us are not conforming to traditional values and thoughts. casting away Confucius practises. For my life, sometimes, I ponder over and over again, my divorce is really the only one which moulded me to see myself differently eventually towards the end of this lifetime. Once, I thought having my own family is an achievement other than my education.....not so anymore. Marriage may not be the path everyone must take. There are also many others who decide to take the non-conventional path whether by choice or circumstances. I may not regret for other choices that I could make in my life but the choice to marry that man is definitely one choice that puts me to shame in my life. But nothing I could do to reverse that mistake................

Comments 4

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sarahhoo
Sep 23, 2015
Sep 23, 2015

PohChing-

I am sorry you suffered during your divorce. It seems that it was much more significant than just financial or social suffering. You suffered in an emotional way, feeling betrayed and discarded. This is not fair. However, I am happy that you have found comfort in writing on public forums. I hope that your anger turns into passion that you can harness and focus. All of your experiences, even the ones that may seem shameful, make you who you are today. 

-Sarah

nsahmala
Sep 28, 2015
Sep 28, 2015

Hello PohChing! 

I also read your story last week and must confess that you are strong woman capable of improving the lives of other women with lessons and experiences from your somewhat pathetic past.

I really feel for you and should tell you that I grew up too in abject poverty as my very rich and polygamous father died when I was just nine. Today, I am a young, man in his late twenties and proud to tell the world that my mother brought me up.

My mthor, like you, also had a sad past, but learned to walk over it too and I have been inspired by her sufferings as a woman abd widow to write poetry and support women causes. 

Rest assured that you are not alone PohChing. And positively enough, you have turned the raw and sour materials of your past into great stuff for writing, networking and empowering other women. The world needs more and more women with your courage, devotion, and commitment.

You did a wonderful thing by joining the World Pulse. We are ONE.

Warmest regards from Yaounde, Cameroon.

Kenneth Toah Nsah

Hannah B
Sep 29, 2015
Sep 29, 2015

Hi PohChing,

Thank you for sharing your story with us!  It sounds like it has taken a lot of strength and bravery to get to where you are now.  I am glad that you have found online forums where you can connect with other women.

I hope that you find tools in the world pulse community that will help you to become more involved with women's rights work and to share your own story.

I look forward to reading more of your writing!

Best,

Hannah

Kristina M
Sep 30, 2015
Sep 30, 2015

Dear PohChing,

I am glad that you have found forums like World Pulse to help you connect with others and share what you have been through.  Along with the other commentors, I also hope you can turn your anger and feelings of shame into a story that can help empower other women who have experiences like yours.