I thought I found 'The One' but he was really a big lesson

Poleth
Posted September 21, 2020 from United Arab Emirates

Two years ago exactly I came to Abu Dhabi, UAE full of excitement, expectations of a new life after I achieve to get a job here where I dreamed for so long. God made everything easy for me, I got hire by a great hotel, they paid for my flight and put me in a very nice accommodation, paying nothing - a dream for me really - and in the way I met this man. This man that as usual at the beginning when you meet somebody that get to your heart, I felt everything was perfect, I thought "Finally I found somebody who really gets me, who love me truly, and is a good man of GOD" he is a Muslim.

So I came to the country and right away I get into a relationship with him, a very intense one, we were planning to get married as soon as possible as per our desires of starting a family life where very present for both. Thing got complicated economically for both, we ended up getting fired after 4 months of being together so we started a rough path in our life.

Along with the changes I was going through by living in a different country by myself and starting a 'marriage', we started to face life with all complications, no money, no place to stay, with stress on our shoulders but mostly on him (because as a Muslim man he felt responsible to provide for both). Anyway, with stress came fights and soon the honeymoon was over, yelling, jealousy, trying to push his culture and believes over me (even though I embrace Islam happily, I was still learning) and since then we never got a stable situation, getting jobs and loosing them, trying to make our relationship stable.

There was good times but to be honest the bad times were heavier. My optimistic helpless-romantic-codependent self kept me going until we got married almost a year ago. This never get better to be honest, even though the pleasant moments, the fights and miss understanding remain. His low tolerance and explosive temper never helped, and I guess I never learned to manage his personality  (I am not sure that was my job honestly).

We started to grow apart, even in belonging to the same religion our cultural background didn't allow us to take the religion under the same perspective and for a traditional Muslim believer man that is almost impossible to take. One simple example is the fact that I don't believe that wearing hijab is something that God give us as a mandatory. That was at the time of the revelation for specific reasons but as always man want to turn everything on their convenience. So this is one of many situations on what me and my husband disagree, so I am not free in this relationship to go outside without hijab, my husband cannot take it, is almost like asking for divorce doing this. 

 

So here I am at the edge ending my marriage, with no money to spend in a therapist, with no openness from his side to really action about his anger or to mediate his beliefs for me to be comfortable as well in this relationship, I simply cannot see the way out but to separate. Is scary because I am alone in this country, because I don't have a job and because I don't know how to be here without him. He is a great man with strong values, loyal and caring but at the same time being with him is making me depress and loosing my essence.

If somebody went through the same thing as me, would be lovely to read about it, I need some woman support :)

 

 

Comments 9

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Nini Mappo
Sep 22
Sep 22

Hello Dear Poleth,
I am so sorry to hear your story. It must be so frightening to be away from home with no money and no one to support you.
I am sorry that your husband abused you. It reminds me of the stories shared about how Covid led to job loses and increased domestic violence. In your case perhaps when he didn't have a job, and that control was taken away from him, he thought the only thing he could have control over was his relationship, which unfortunately meant controlling you.
Although you say that you are co-dependent, you are very courageous to let go of that idea of that relationship giving you a sense of identity.
I also respect you for honouring him as a man who has good values, who has been unfortunately reduced to controlling tactics by job loss and circumstances.
It makes me wonder what it would be like for you if you both still had jobs. It makes me wonder what kind of fears drive his 'control my wife button'. But even so, the most important aspect about relationship harmony is when you can build it during life storms and not let them drive you apart. So I am sorry that adversity brought relational disharmony, and is now affecting your mental health. That is tough; to see a dream die and to have it steal your peace.

I wish I could give you any advice, but I can only say that please do take care of yourself, and I hope that circumstances change for you soon.
Is it difficult to return to your country?
sending love and hugs.

Poleth
Sep 22
Sep 22

Hi Nini

I really appreciate your reply, it is so nice to hear some good words even from somebody that doesn't know your full story but I guess you can relate some how.

I also wonder how would it be if we have better circumstances but like you said, these situation are to overcome it and bring couples together. I never think about what you said that the only thing he can control maybe is me or our relationship and that can be true. Maybe a little bit of that, a little bit of the way he was raised and the missconception of the religion. The button line is that something inside me is telling me that this is not for me, and even though I feel love for him apparently love is not enough, a lot of other feelings and needs comes in between a couple that sometimes cannot be fulfilled only with love. Even for him, he might expect a wife that practice the religion just like he does and be agree with him all the time, I think he wants a woman that goes his ways most of the time and make his life easy because he doesn't seem to understand that he has to work in his anger, his jealousy and those toxic behaviours. He expects me do something about it so he doesn't need to deal with that. Anyway I know maybe right now I feel low and confused, but somehow I will get out of this.

I can return to my country but it took me so long and efforts to get out that I think it would be way easier to stay here with a job and then go somewhere else. Mexico is not the best country economically and I dream for more. I am 35 years old and going back it means for me to start over, save money again (which would be difficult earning little) I would only return if there is no other option. First, I will try to fight to stand by myself and see how it goes.

Love and hugs back!

Beth Lacey
Sep 22
Sep 22

Many of us have variations of this story. You must never forget that you are a valued person, you matter, and you can and will get through this. Stay strong

Poleth
Sep 22
Sep 22

Thank you for taking the time to read me and comment on me, I really appreciate your words :)

Hello, Poleth,

Welcome to World Pulse! I'm happy that aMexican voice living in UAE is rising up!

I think fairy tales and romantic movies scammed women into believing that meeting "the One" will result to a "happily ever after". This pandemic surely shows how this is fake news with the increase cases of gender-based violence.

You are so brave to open this up. You are a smart woman for seeing that something is wrong in the relationship. I hope you see how valuable, beautiful, and amazing you are. Not everyone would fly across shores to find a job in a place unknown to them. Not everyone would dare to love someone who possesses a different worldview. Not everyone would be resilient enough when losing a job. But look at you, you are surviving and fighting up to this day.

All this feeling of confusion, betrayal, and loneliness are valid, dear. You've gone this far. You will be able to overcome whatever circumstances you're facing right now, Poleth, because you are a strong woman.

Sending you lots of love and hugs. You got this, dear. I believe in you. Please continue to write and update us. Welcome again to our growing sisterhood!

Poleth
Sep 23
Sep 23

Hello Karen

Thank you very much for taking the time to read and write for me this kind words. I will keep writing my stories, maybe I can help somebody through them and connect for sure. I am always open to meet new people and help in the way I can.

Your words mean a lot to me, I hope we can keep in touch :)

Love and hugs!

You're welcome, dear. Wonderful! Please join us at our Encourager Party. Kindly register here:https://bit.ly/EncouragerParty
And check your timezone here: http://bit.ly/EncouragerPartyTimezones

Hope to see you!

Andrace
Sep 27
Sep 27

Hi Poleth,
Congratulations on your first post and a very warm welcome to World Pulse. You are so strong. I admire the fact that you know what you want. Please, keep up your tenacity. Economic empowerment is so vital to survival, especially for us as women. The men keep taking advantage of us on lines like this. I'm sorry about your job loss and the stress of your husband's situation. This year has been unprecedented for us all, but I know that tough times never last, only tough people do. Wise decision not to stay in an abusive marriage. There is no substitute to freedom. We love and need you alive, Sis.

Whether you have a job or not, you are valuable. Your sisters are here to support you emotionally and otherwise.

Love and hugs,
E. J.

Poleth
Oct 13
Oct 13

Hi Andrace
Thank you for your kind words. It is a rough year for all I know, but I guess is how life goes sometimes. You just have to keep going trying your Best and trying to find support on your sisters. Thank you