Advice to Younger Prasansha

I remember the time I starved myself to look like girls in the magazines. I was just twelve back then, studying in grade 6. The notion that I was not beautiful was so deeply rooted in my brain. The girls in the magazine and TV were tall, thin and had flawless white skin. I was tall and chubby compared to the rest of my classmates and used to get teased for being “fat,” even though my weight to height proportion made me healthy for my age.

I couldn’t resist starving myself just to fit in. I lost weight over the years but become less healthy and started to lose my confidence. I started craving attention and approval from my friends just to make sure I looked beautiful in their eyes.

But when I looked at myself I could barely see myself; the tall thin girl in the mirror was not me. I battled to stop starving myself and slowly started to see the difference between reel and real life. I can’t be like girls in TV or magazines because I live in the real world, I don’t use make up neither use photoshop, I am what I am and needed to be true to myself. I was getting healthy, I started putting on weight. And with that the number of comments over my body started flooding. “You look fat? Did you put on weight?” friends, relatives, and neighbors used to say.

They used to say it with such an expression on their face that I used to think I was disgusting. But being fat doesn’t mean I am not beautiful, does it? How was I beautiful when I starved myself but how can I not be beautiful when I am embracing myself? I regret doing that to my body, and I hope that no one does that to their body.

In my country, Nepal, it is common for people to comment on weight, they just comment and don’t think about how much their words can affect brain and heart to little girls like me who struggle to fit in everyday. Our society wants women to look thin, have long hair and flawless skin just like girls in TV and magazine. You will be criticized for having dark skin, you will criticized if you put on weight or lose some. Why does this happen? I don’t know, may be the beauty standards set by media and rest of the world is so high that a girl like me can’t compete.

I am 18 now, and while I no longer starve myself, I still don’t know if I am beautiful. But what I do know is not to judge anyone by the shape of their body because the shape of anyone’s body doesn’t determine the shape of their heart.

I still struggle to see myself as beautiful. I still have days where I find myself hideous and days where I find myself beautiful and pretty. Sometimes I feel like I can conquer the whole world through the tips of my finger and somedays I feel low and just want to sleep in.

But through all the ups and downs in life I have learnt to accept myself for who I am. I might grow tall someday, put on weight or lose some of it, but it will no longer affect my confidence or how I see myself. I no longer feel the need to starve myself just to fit in the group because what people call me doesn’t define me. Just because I am fat doesn’t mean I am not beautiful and just because I am skinny doesn’t mean I am pretty. I am what I am, I have both beauty and imperfections within me and I love it and will keep on loving it.

I would also like to apologize to the girl I was back then. I am sorry little Prasansha had go through what she went through. I am sorry she felt the need to starve herself to see she was beautiful. The truth is you were beautiful the way you were born. Your beauty was not in your skin or your flesh; it was in the way you thought about creating a movement in this world, it was in your intellect. You wanted to work to make a better place, feed the hungry and give shelter to homeless. You wanted to be known by the work you do not by the shape of your body.

And to the 18 year old Prasansha who is writing this, you will struggle to find comfort in yourself but just never lose hope. Keep fighting and dreaming and with time you will learn to love yourself; you will learn to not be so critical about who you are and to the world never let a little degrade herself just to fit into the constricted beauty standards you have created. Just let her grow and spread her wings.

I remember the time I starved myself to look like girls in the magazines. I was just twelve back then, studying in grade 6. The notion that I was not beautiful was so deeply rooted in my brain. The girls in the magazine and TV were tall, thin and had flawless white skin. I was tall and chubby compared to the rest of my classmates and used to get teased for being “fat,” even though my weight to height proportion made me healthy for my age.

I couldn’t resist starving myself just to fit in. I lost weight over the years but become less healthy and started to lose my confidence. I started craving attention and approval from my friends just to make sure I looked beautiful in their eyes.

But when I looked at myself I could barely see myself; the tall thin girl in the mirror was not me. I battled to stop starving myself and slowly started to see the difference between reel and real life. I can’t be like girls in TV or magazines because I live in the real world, I don’t use make up neither use photoshop, I am what I am and needed to be true to myself. I was getting healthy, I started putting on weight. And with that the number of comments over my body started flooding. “You look fat? Did you put on weight?” friends, relatives, and neighbors used to say.

They used to say it with such an expression on their face that I used to think I was disgusting. But being fat doesn’t mean I am not beautiful, does it? How was I beautiful when I starved myself but how can I not be beautiful when I am embracing myself? I regret doing that to my body, and I hope that no one does that to their body.

In my country, Nepal, it is common for people to comment on weight, they just comment and don’t think about how much their words can affect brain and heart to little girls like me who struggle to fit in everyday. Our society wants women to look thin, have long hair and flawless skin just like girls in TV and magazine. You will be criticized for having dark skin, you will criticized if you put on weight or lose some. Why does this happen? I don’t know, may be the beauty standards set by media and rest of the world is so high that a girl like me can’t compete.

I am 18 now, and while I no longer starve myself, I still don’t know if I am beautiful. But what I do know is not to judge anyone by the shape of their body because the shape of anyone’s body doesn’t determine the shape of their heart.

I still struggle to see myself as beautiful. I still have days where I find myself hideous and days where I find myself beautiful and pretty. Sometimes I feel like I can conquer the whole world through the tips of my finger and somedays I feel low and just want to sleep in.

But through all the ups and downs in life I have learnt to accept myself for who I am. I might grow tall someday, put on weight or lose some of it, but it will no longer affect my confidence or how I see myself. I no longer feel the need to starve myself just to fit in the group because what people call me doesn’t define me. Just because I am fat doesn’t mean I am not beautiful and just because I am skinny doesn’t mean I am pretty. I am what I am, I have both beauty and imperfections within me and I love it and will keep on loving it.

I would also like to apologize to the girl I was back then. I am sorry little Prasansha had go through what she went through. I am sorry she felt the need to starve herself to see she was beautiful. The truth is you were beautiful the way you were born. Your beauty was not in your skin or your flesh; it was in the way you thought about creating a movement in this world, it was in your intellect. You wanted to work to make a better place, feed the hungry and give shelter to homeless. You wanted to be known by the work you do not by the shape of your body.

And to the 18 year old Prasansha who is writing this, you will struggle to find comfort in yourself but just never lose hope. Keep fighting and dreaming and with time you will learn to love yourself; you will learn to not be so critical about who you are and to the world never let a little degrade herself just to fit into the constricted beauty standards you have created. Just let her grow and spread her wings.