Broken but not Defeated - I am a polished Diamond

Jane
Posted August 8, 2019 from South Africa

When I was on that stage of being "broken" I tumbled across the book by Iyanla Vanzant "In the meantime" and my understanding and motivation was that, being in the meantime? According to author and inspirational means being in a state of limbo. "When you are not happy where you are and you are not quite sure if you want to leave or how to leave, you are in the meantime," she explains. Rather than wallow in confusion, Vanzant encourages you to use the meantime as an opportunity to prepare yourself for true love. The first order of business is to clean house, starting with the basement, the place in the psyche where you store your most destructive thoughts. Room by room, Vanzant takes you through a metaphorical cleaning of the soul. This way, when your meantime days are over and love finally comes knocking on the front door, you'll have a clean house to welcome love into. This made me to stand up from being crushed and burned to be come glossy and pure Gold.

 1 Peter 1:7-17 Pure gold put in the fire comes out of it proved pure; genuine faith put through this suffering comes out proved genuine. When Jesus wraps this all up, it's your faith, not your gold, that God will have on display as evidence of his victory. After 8 years of my late husband's passing. My parents encouraged me to to remarry again. they believed that since I had 2 boys, I needed a man in the house to help me raise them. Regardless of the relationship I had with my parents , I have always been obedient and listened to the advice, believed that no one can guide you better than your parents who have seen it all and been in this world longer than yourself. With that advice and being young I agreed and got married again. After our wedding, that man moved to the house my late husband left for me and my children because he was from the back room of his mother's house. When I married him, I didn't look at how deep his pocket was or what he had because I was not looking for any material things but the man who will love me and my children and be the man of the house and a father figure to my children. From the Doctor husband to the Driver husband, that didn't bother me at all.

After we got married and my new husband moved into our home, he decided to leave his driving job, I guess he felt he didn't need a job at all because our four bedroom house and cars portrayed "loaded" widow in his eyes to be a driver husband and decided to stay home while I  continue working 2 jobs i.e. working for the company and my own home office of which I can say, 3 jobs the third one being a submissive wife. I had a recruitment agent company running from home, and had a lady working in my home office to take calls and messages for me to return and do follow-up on my client's requests when they were looking for staff. When I return home, though I had a helper, but I always preferred that I be the one who sees what my husband eats or wear, so I will get home, take of my shoes, shower quickly then head to the kitchen to prepare dinner for my family while helping my kids with their home work. After dinner, I will have to pop into the house office check messages, sometime I have to type requested CV's for the clients before I head to my bedroom and be the wife. I had to be up early to make sure I drop the prepared Cv's to the client before I head to my normal job.

While doing all this, my so called husband, would be left sleeping in bed. I had to pay the bond, school fees, helper, gardener and all household needs and maintenance including food. instead of helping with the garden, he decided to help himself with my helpers. I never knew that was what he was doing in my absence because he will behave as if he doesnt even speak to my helper when I am around. I will start seeing changes with my helper. As tired I would be coming home, I always assisted in the house but my helper started not taking my instructions or do as I said. I will sometime get home to find her sitting watching tv and everything being everywhere like nothing was ever done for the day, let alone prepare my kids school uniform for the next day. Realising this change and ignorance of my constant reminders, I had no choice but to send her packing because I was the one paying her salary and needed her to help me. The same thing happened with my 2nd and 3rd helper, 1st month all is smooth and nice 2nd month the attitude starts and wondered where was that coming from but never pinned or place the dots towards my husband.

My 4th helper was a very loving lady, who lost her husband with 2 kids from Qwaqwa. She just reminded me of myself and the pain i felt losing my 1st husband when my children were so young to enjoy their father's love.  She loved my children and they adored her so much. I could work and go out knowing that my kids had another mother at home. She was still young and felt sorry for her to have ended being a house help instead of doing something she would have love to do because house cleaning she said was due to her situation and to support her family and kids back home. I tried my best to give or pay her a descent salary more than what my previous 3 earned and the range other domestic workers were earning. There was a school closer to my house and the accommodated night learners but it was all about cooking and baking and I said if she wanted to attend she can and I will pay and she did and enjoyed that a lot. I registered her for UIF and into a domestic grocery contribution group where they were contributing certain amount monthly then December they buy groceries in bulk to take home for Christmas holidays. all these extra contributions I paid for her not from her own salary.

When she started working for me, she was a bit chubby, then I realised she was now losing weight, though  losing weight it is a good thing BUT i could see sadness on her face, then one day I asked her to sit down and had a chat with me and asked if she was happy and if any problems back home or here, she told me all was well and her family was so happy back home receiving the money she was sending, I then asked why the sadness on her face, she said her eyes are troubling here. I then asked why didn't she said something. I told her if she feels sick or need any medication of some sort and we dont have in the house she must speak to my elder son who will go to our nearest pharmacist I had an agreement with to help my family in my absence then bill me later. We agreed on that and believed all was sorted. It happened that I had an ectopic pregnancy unknowingly, where one morning as I stepped out of the front door I collapsed, my kids were already gone to school and my husband was meeting my dad that morning, my dad called him to discuss his "home staying no job story" when I was working triple shift so it was my helper and I left in the house. The good thing was, my house had the link press buttons installed for the kids in case of emergency for the kids. All you had do was to press ambulance picture for the ambulance, police picture for police, fire picture for fire etc. then aunty (as my kids used to call her) pressed the ambulance key button and the ambulance arrived immediately I was then taken to hospital where I was told I was 28 weeks and ectopic with my tube ruptured to be removed immediately.

I was taken to theater immediately, by the time my kids and my husband returned I was already back from theater and highly sedated when they came to see me. My young son cried so much because they tried to talk to me but i was still drowsy and in pain from surgery and thought maybe I was dying but the doctor told them that if they come back tomorrow I will be up and be able to talk to them, my kids left with my husband and my husband was due to return later that evening to bring my toiletries because I had none when the ambulance took me. That evening he failed to return and only came back 5am the following morning smelling like a brewery to bring my toiletries. I had to find out from my dad later in the day the reason why he was called in, it was because my younger sister who was working for Airways told them there was a job post at their warehouse and felt she could speak to her managers to give that job to my husband since he was home doing nothing and everything was on my shoulder and my dad thought it would be a great idea if he breaks the news to him man to man. on his way back from my dad, he learned from aunty that I collapsed and be been taken to hospital.To him all looked like a blessing because he could have the house to himself and drive any car he liked even the one I used to to work and as a treasure to me being a gift from my late husband of which he could only drive it during weekends. After dropping the kids from the hospital he decided to drive and go see his friends and failed to return on time to bring my toiletries.

Kids returned back to school looking forward to come visit me after last night of being sedated and the thought of me dying. They got home, changed and waited for my husband (only God knows where he drove to because he knew kids were looking forward to visit the hospital) BUT e never returned and aunty later told me they went to bed crying and ate nothing for the day nor dinner. Aunty felt sorry for my young one and decided to sleep in his room to keep him company because my husband was not in the house. When he finally returned midnight, he saw my young son's room door opened and saw aunty sleeping there, instead of checking how my boy was doing he decided to invited aunty into our matrimonial bedroom and aunty decided to dash out of the house into her own room living my son and lock herself there till the next morning where she came to prepare for kids for school. I was then discharged from the hospital but booked for a month to be home healing the surgery. I realised that my helper was surely not happy but she kept saying her eyes and that nothing was wrong and she took care of me when I was bed ridden and my kids. Normally Aunty was getting 5 days every month end to go visit her family or break to go wherever she want to go to without worrying about work, because i was bedridden she decided not to go home and take care of me. 

on my 1st day back to work after my recovery, i decided to give Aunty 2 weeks off to go spend time with her family and extra cash plus baked cookies and kids stuff in appreciation for what she did for me and my family. I then asked my niece to come be in my house to see that kids are gone to school and someone is home when they return. on that same day and i still remember, it was Wednesday, when Aunty left and my cousin came and my 1st day back to work. I got a call from my cousin telling me there was a lady looking for the job as house help. I was even annoyed because I had so much work after being away for long, I said to my cousin "but you do know I have someone and only going for 2 weeks" my cousin told me that same lady says she was referred by my helper who told her I will be needing someone and referred me as a good person and that she wasn't coming back. I was really shocked and shuttered to learn that. Sadly at that time we had no mobile phones and I had nowhere to reach her but I had her sister in law home number and where she used to visit on her day offs if she didnt go home to see the kids. When I called her sister in law she was also shocked to learn that, when I asked if auty ever said or indicated of being unhappy at my house, her sister in law said no she said was so lucky to be working for someone like me and very happy BUT the problem was my husband though never told them what the problem was. In my thought i told myself it was because my husband was forever serious around her maybe she was uncomfortable because that's how he acted when I was around. Her sister in law gave me a public phone number which she said it was right by their house gate and sometime uses that as their contact phone.

God being God and always have His ways of finally revealing things when the time was right, when I dialed that number, Aunty was the one to pick the call, all i said was "I know" before I could continue talking and mention what I knew, she started crying, and told me how sorry she was to leave me that way, how good I was to her and family now she doesn't even know how or if she will ever find another job but she had to leave because of my husband. I asked what really happened, she said every time as soon as the kids leave when she is about to start doing her work my husband will come to her naked and asked for sex , she will have to run lock herself in her bedroom until my office assistance arrives. She told me it started when he called her name while he was still in our bedroom, when she got there, she stood outside the bedroom and asked if she could do something for him, and he shouted to say come in, when she popped her head into the bedroom and he was in bed and asked to come in and sit by the bed but she refused and run out of the house to lock herself until then.

She told me this has been going for so long and was no longer enjoying to wake up or come into the house, she said he told her not to worry because if she oblige he will leave me and marry her and that house and everything would be hers and he further told her that he's got money reason he is not working and I was only working because I wanted to but he was providing me and the kids which are not his with everything. So aunty felt it would be best to leave than betray me after all. She decided to rather go suffer back home than betray the trust I had. The whole thing now came flushing back that, it means that was the reason my previous helpers experienced and obviously adhered to his promises and started disrespecting me hoping I will be kicked out with my children and they become owners of my house without knowing that he himself moved in empty handed. I didnt waste time after placing all dots together, I called my mother to tell her I dont want to hear anything I just want divorce. The thought that this man have been betraying me right under my nose and he could have exposed me and my children to the same helpers who had access to everything in our home including food by telling them my kids were not his and everything was his.

I was double shocked when my mother told me that, she didn't want to tell me, one of her tenant complained to her that my husband tried his luck with her and my mother reprimanded him without telling me thinking she was saving me a pain or divorce process, proposing my parents tenants? my family yard? wow!, and another story came with my younger sister who was living in my townhouse when my late husband and I bought the house we didn't want to sell and let my sister stay there as one of our investment for our kids when they grow up. My younger sister told me she used to see my car parked in one of the houses in the compel, and that same hose i remember dropping my husband there once with a story that he was going to fix someone's car not knowing I was dropping him to 1 of his girlfriends. These came to me like a big load I couldnt stammer, by the time I got home that evening I already met with the lawyers and filed for divorce. I got home and told him to move out of my house and he told me we were married in community of property he was not going anywhere he also want 50% of everything I had.

For the sake of my safety and that of my children, one Saturday i called a truck arranged a storage took every furniture load to the storage and rented a 3 bedroom while I waited for the divorce to end. It took 5 years for the divorce to end as he was claiming every piece of furniture I took and everything. But God can never give you a load you cannot carry no matter how big He will always give you wisdom to tackle it. I asked the court to ask him what was he claiming for, where we bought the stuff he was claiming for, how much and what was his contribution. He had no answer to all this, I told the court that what he was claiming for, he found it in my house, and everything that was there was given back to the owners, if it is the house he want, we can sell and get a share, knowing so well that since I stopped paying the mortgage, every penny of the sale would settle the bank and any other debts. The house was sold and money paid to the bank. though I didnt get anything out of it and lost the legacy which belonged to my children from their father due to this man BUT grateful we still had a roof and he was back to his mother's back room where he belong.

He did what he did to crush me not knowing I was a rough diamond from the pain of losing my beloved husband with a hope of using me to gain what he never worked for but in the process he made me more stronger. more wiser and well polished to recognize and wolf in a sheep skin and here I am still standing.  A polished diamond. Power to the Women as we celebrate this women's month....lets keep going strong and never let anything or anyone steals our joy and smiles. 

Comments 16

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Jill Langhus
Aug 08
Aug 08

Hi Jane,

Wow! That's quite the story there:-( Thanks for sharing your painful story about your husband. That's some low stuff there:-( I'm glad you realized and were able to keep your house. I love Iyanla Vanzant, by the way:-) What is the biggest lesson you learned from this experience? Yes, you're strong and wiser, but if everything happens for a reason and there is a bigger meaning behind this episode what would it be? I'm glad you're rid of that guy, for sure. No one deserves that sort of treatment.

XX

Jane
Aug 11
Aug 11

Thanks Jill and it is true, everything happens for a reason hence I had an ectopic, God saw this before I could. It would have been sad to look at my baby and start thinking of the father and his behavior.

Jill Langhus
Aug 12
Aug 12

You're welcome, dear:-)

Yes, it would've been very sad to have a baby with him.

Hope you have a good week, dear, and that you're feeling okay, or even better than before!?

XX

Jane
Aug 12
Aug 12

Good morning Jill.
Absolutely, sharing my life stories here, somehow, feels like a heavy burden offloaded on my chest. Thank you so much for this opportunity

Jill Langhus
Aug 13
Aug 13

Hello dear:-)

So glad to hear it! XX

Let me know if you ever need additional support again. I'm here, and we're here, for you!

Hello, Polished Diamond,

Wow! Let me say that you're a great storyteller. Instead of just stating your husband cheated on you, you brought us with you, scene by scene. I'm sorry you lost your baby by an ectopic pregnancy.

It's interesting to know that there is a similar pattern with a story I know of a cheating houseband (husband staying in the house) and the attitude of their helper who began refusing to do housework.

I wonder if Aunty is still with you? I applaud her for being loyal to you. You're a very good employer.

I enjoyed your story, Jane. Your life is colorful and full of lessons. Thank you for sharing your stories with us.

Jane
Aug 11
Aug 11

Thank you Karen, life is journey and we learn each and every day as we continue to realise the meaning of [living[ each of us have a story to tell, it either breaks us or makes us who we are to today ñ=

You’re welcome, sister Jane! The circumstances you faced truly made you a polished diamond! Thanks for inspiring us with your story. Hope to read more from you!

Jane
Aug 13
Aug 13

I am truly humbled to have been given the platform to offload my long painful experience here, it really makes me feel much better for sharing

I agree, sister. This is why this online space was created so we can all process our healing when we speak out our truth. I am so happy you feel that way. People began to heal when they feel heard. Hugs.

Lisbeth
Aug 09
Aug 09

I agree with Sister Jill your story is quite a story. You did endure as to say and it sad you were in such a situation.

It's a typical Africa setting there. The man is brought up to only be man and nothing else. All there have is the thing dangling in front of them,Haha.
Some women become so desperate that when they get hold of a husband he becomes their God almost. They sacrifice their life to take care of them while the do nothing.
Thanks to God things are changing. Now women turn to admire hard working man lately. Someone who can cook, do laundry, work/job, and can take care of the kids. Big up dear and thanks for sharing. Have a great weekend.

Jane
Aug 11
Aug 11

Amen my sister, you can only survive when you embrace everything and anything that happens in your life as a learning progress and embrace it with positiveness to know that if it wasnt for that experience you wouldnt know what life really is.

Beth Lacey
Aug 09
Aug 09

You went through a lot and you came out the other side. Yes, you are a diamond

Jane
Aug 11
Aug 11

Thank you kindly Beth, if doesnt kill you it makes you stronger Ñ=

Tamarack Verrall
Aug 12
Aug 12

Hello Jane,
I agree you are a true story teller. To have the courage and openness to tell what happened to you, you will spark strength and self confidence for many others who recognize the same happening in their lives.

Jane
Aug 12
Aug 12

Hi Tam, I have learned that healing comes through sharing than bottling things up. Sometime we are sacred to share our stories thinking we might be judged, I guess it is ok to be judged but not everyone in the world will judge you negatively, some will embrace and support you to an extend of holding your hand and lift you back to your own feet. Thanks again for your encouragement.