Mama, I know who killed......

Jane
Posted September 17, 2019 from South Africa

Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned. Now, we all know that this is true. More true than saying that women are women's worst enemy. And when a woman gets scorned for her fellow kind, there's no saving the perpetrator. The world makes you think that women hate their own kind, but that's far from true. Sure, we might have some differences at times, but then, who doesn't. 

When it comes to protecting our own kind, we forget whatever indifference we might have and jump right into saving our fellow females; no questions asked. Facing the death of your own child is one of the toughest life experiences let alone if you have no closure of what happened or taken their life. A mother is a closest friend to their daughters because you are their contact when they start seeing their periods, started dating or seeing someone. You are the one who guides them about from being a young girl to being a woman. 

It has been 3 years now since 28 June 2016 and I still wish and pray to hear my daughter tells me "Mama I know who killed me". I have tried everything and anything to release myself from this stress and emotions and to accept that "she is gone and it is God's will" BUT something keeps cropping in my mind telling me "what if" my daughter is crying from the grave seeing me have moved on with my life without a closure of what really happened to her especially when we were so close and shared everything about all aspects of life. She was my only daughter, my friend, my confidante and loved each other more than a daughter and mother. This horrible experience I don't wish any other mother to go through or see it at all. My daughter was only 28 years and was only 5 months towards graduating for her law degree with her articles completed and looking forward to her graduation which took her years to get to it due to financial constrains but that never stopped her from focusing to her goal "to finally graduate and be a lawyer"

The reason for her for choosing that career of being a family lawyer was due to the life experience she saw me go through when I lost everything their late father left us to a 2nd husband of only 12 months but made us lose everything and she felt that the law failed to protect me as the widow and vowed that she will stand for all the women who might go through what I went through. She was my diva, my hero and she died and died a mysterious death and it it my wish for other young girls out there to be aware and mothers to notice these signs to be able to protect our girl child. When my daughter first introduced her first boyfriend I thought they were a couple and match made in heaven. He showed love and protection any other girl and women would wish for. That made me "think" and remembered the love i shared with my first husband their father. Their love blossomed until when my daughter fell pregnant and the mother-in-law realised that she is about to loose her son to my daughter. a son she kept under her roof, to control how he eats or wear and to think that there is another woman who can do the same and now the baby on the way, there was surely no turning back and started interfering in their affairs. Restricted them from planning their own wedding or plans to find their own place with an excuse that her home was big enough for all of them.

I personally took this lightly of which that was the 1st mistake I made for not trusting my daughter and thought that the in-law is trying to give the the opportunity to plan properly and the fact that their child was her 1st grandchild and for me not to see these signs is the worse pain and regret I have no idea how to rectify and go back to make it right. The signs were there but i failed as a mother on behalf of my young daughter to notice them or give her my audience without judging that she was young and not understanding the mother in law. It came to a point when my grand daughter was born, her in-law restricted her to name her first child and insisted that she name her herself. My daughter was really hurt as she prepared all the names she hoped that some day as a mother would name her 1st child and that joy was taken away from her which means she was not considered as a mother but as an incubator for a mother in law and she had no say on that. With taken lightly again and advised my daughter to give her mother in law a chance since this might be coming from a good heart and good intentions. As hurt as she was I again ignored the problem that might be brewing in the process and failed my daughter too.

When the traditional wedding was discussed, we as the bride's parents we were not given an option BUT told this is the date and this what is going to happen, how we planned as family did not matter because "we have already sold our daughter to them based to them they paid lobola" which means we have no say because they bought her. We as the bride's family we wanted a white wedding send off which is something we normally do where our weddings takes place at the church BUT again were told she is no longer ours because "they paid lobola" One thing that is still ringing in my head is my daughter's last word when she said "mama, I wish we never used their lobola money and I wish I could get a loan and give it back" meaning she was no longer interested and couldn't discuss this in detail in trying to protect me and my health but went with the flow to please me? and ow she is gone. 

Being married for only 10 days from the 17 June to the 28 June 2016 the daughter I raised for 28 years she was gone in just 10 days being out of my sight. That Wednesday, 28th June, she was busy communicating with her little brother who was also planning his traditional wedding in October 2016, they were both excited sharing ideas of how his little brother's wedding would be and the idea of making it better than hers ad the excitement that she was going back to work that next money 3 July 2016 after maternity though she was concern about living her little daughter as she felt "uncomfortable" which is the word she told her little brother and no one know to date why she was uncomfortable as we know that grand mothers are the best in looking after their grandchildren and only her can explain from her grave what she meant by that. 

At 12 midday on that same Wednesday, she gave me a call and ask what I was wearing and if I looked beautiful and I told her I was driving and that I will take my pic and send her soon I am settled, I then asked how she was doing and her new home, her answer was "you don't want to know" I am even told not to unpack my bags and I have no idea why or perhaps we are going to be given another bedroom so I am still waiting because I need to settle before I resume work again next Monday and she then whatsapp  her little brother and said she was going to charge her phone and they will continue their chat as soon she charged her phone. At 15h00 I got a call from her mother in law that she collapsed and I asked "collapsed? is she ok" I was told to come through immediately. When I got there, my daughter was lying down motionless and that was it. When I asked what happened, 2 versions of the story. 1 was that he went upstairs to bath and when her name was called to come down feed the baby there was no answer and they had to go upstairs to see if maybe sleeping or still in a bath and she was found on the floor still with her full clothes on. 2nd version was that they heard a loud bang and scream and when they went to investigate they found her on the floor motionless yet still breathing and tried to call the ambulance which took longer to come. So which is the correct one?

Post mortem report: unnatural death, still under investigation, which date and year is today? still investigation? My daughter was in a mortuary for 9 days prior her burial, but her body remained as warm as it was from that 1st day she passed on, she was still bleeding, blood flowing like river non stop till she was placed in her coffin and still oozes and flow from her coffin till she was taken down into the grave with blood flowing outside her coffin. This is the picture that I find it hard to remove from my face, the picture of daughter's coffin being locked and my family members not being allowed to pay their last respect? the dead body locked in a coffin? my child? my daughter? imprisoned even in death?. The family's last words still echoes in my head when my family were told that our road with my daughter's in law was ending that day because what brought us together is no more? forgetting we still share a grand child? so they have a baby which was produced by their incubator and the incubator is gone they won and I have lost a child? how sensitive this it is to tell a mother who just lost a child and those words comes from another woman who understands how it is like to carry, give birth and raise a child especially a girl child, to nurture her to be a mother of tomorrow. 

How I so wish I have listened to my daughter when she told me she wished she had means of raising her lobola money and give it back? how I wish I should have seen the signs after giving birth and being denied to name her own 1st child? how I wish I have seen the signs by not being given a chance to give my only daughter the best wedding she ever wished for just like any girl child who wishes to wear that white dress? How I wish I should have seen the signs when my daughter was told not to unpack her bags because someone knew she was not there to stay and not for long? How I wish i have picked up the signs when were told "we were paid lobola which means means our daughter was sold as a cow to be slaughtered and her blood to ooze till to the grave? How I wish I could see my daughter again and tell her how sorry I am to have not seen all these signs and thought I was doing what was best for her to go build her own home and how I wish I could see her and tell her how grateful I am to have taken the bullet of being in a loveless marriage under a hurtful mother in ;aw's roof just to protect me from being hurt of escalation my high blood pressure and how grateful I am that she sacrificed her own happiness and place hers last and end up dead from protecting me from what she thought could be a shame if she dropped everything when everyone already been told about the wedding. 

How I wish she could tell me what really happened that Wednesday, 28 June 2016, only she can tell and knows who or what killed her. She is the only one who can tell her mother "Who or what killed her" 

Young ladies/girls including we as mothers, I know that we want all the best for our teenagers. A happy, healthy relationship with a supportive partner is on our wish list. But what if you suspect her relationship is something other than healthy, even dangerous?  what do we do? lesson learned, Unfortunately, teen dating violence is widespread. Our girls are either afraid or embarrassed (or both) to admit to anyone that they’re being abused. Some may not even realize it’s happening. To some teens, abuse can feel like love. I guess that's what my daughter experienced and painted that picture to me that "she was loved" and I only see that picture painted and failed to see the signs of what she was getting into until it is too late. 

But excessive jealousy, controlling behaviors, and violence do not equal love. A truly loving relationship is one in which both partners feel respected and supported. My son in-law would have done the same for my daughter if he truly loved her, supported and protected her since they made decisions together.  I should have believed what I heard. It would have been torturous for my daughter to to tell me what’s going on. I shouldn't have made it worse by questioning or doubting instead offered unconditional support and acceptance and told her I believed every word she’s telling me that there was a problem with her mother in law and her actions especially when she suggested she must stop breast feeding soon she gets back to work, that would have been a sign that she wanted my grandchild not to have any kind of attachment with her mother.

Mothers, let us be vigilant, listen and be aware what is happening around our girl child, give them an opportunity to be able to open up to us without any fear of being questioned or judged, pay attention and observe their behaviors to know if things are OK with then or not, let us not fail them until it is too late and what is left is all questions we have no answers for just like me.

 

 

 

 

This story was submitted in response to GirlForce: Unscripted and Unstoppable.

Comments 25

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Lisbeth
Sep 17
Sep 17

Wow :-(! This my wow is an expression of shock. I am sorry for your lost, it must not be easy for you. I agree with you that the picture is not easy to erase.
Please my sincere condolences for your daughter. Was there a police investigation? And if there was what is the outcome?
Take care

Jane
Sep 17
Sep 17

Dear Lisbeth
Thank you kindly for your support and yes there have been a police investigation, the same police who came to the house and gave us the information that it was "unnatural" we have been following this forever and the response is " we are still investigating" which is obvious after this long it would be "case closed"

Lisbeth
Sep 18
Sep 18

Oh mine! "Case Closed"! Hmm. It's very sad that our systems are not working anymore.
Well at least you have done the best you could. My sincere condolences to you. Please take heart.

Anita Shrestha
Sep 17
Sep 17

Dear
Take care, and be patience.

Jane
Sep 17
Sep 17

Thanks Anita

Anita Shrestha
Sep 18
Sep 18

Welcome

Nabila Abbas
Sep 17
Sep 17

You're a real woman :) keep shining

Jane
Sep 17
Sep 17

Humbled Nabila, thank you

Jill Langhus
Sep 18
Sep 18

Hello Dear Jane,

Thanks so much for sharing more of your vulnerable, and very sad story. How are you doing lately, dear? Are you feeling any better, I hope?!

XX

Jane
Sep 18
Sep 18

Hi Jill
Thanks so much, it surely makes one to feel much more better when you share than bottled up. Thank you kindly

Jill Langhus
Sep 20
Sep 20

Hello there:-)

You're very welcome! Agreed, and I'm glad to hear it!

Hope you're doing well, and having a great Friday!

Hello, sister Jane,

I could really feel your pain. Three years is not long enough. Please don't feel guilty if you still feel like mourning the loss of your beloved daughter. I learned that grief is not something we moved on to, but it is something we move along with. We carry the loss for the rest of our lives.

You have the right to question the events that took place before your daughter died. Yes, 10 days after the wedding could look suspicious. Are you allowed to sue the in-laws for not allowing you to see your granddaughter?

I wish the truth will finally come out. I hope if this was really murder, that the murdering will lose sleep for months until he/she confesses. I pray for justice to you and your family especially justice to your daughter.

Hugs, sister Jane. No mother wants to experience this sudden death. Oh, dear God, we cry for justice. May the truth set everyone free.

Jane
Oct 01
Oct 01

Thanks Karen and my apology I am only responding now, I have been out of office for a while and this the only platform I get to go to my link and chat to my Pulse family. I have also been trying to write my girl story but unfortunately the moment you log out of the system it it hard to retrieve or start where you left off :( I guess I missed my deadline since today is the 1st of October and my hope and prayer there will be next time to share m girl story with the family which encouraged me so much. I have been busy with the heritage month so much coordination and now it is wellness month but I do miss this family which held my hand and made me opened my heart to share my stories and you wont believe that is the healing process I never felt before even when I was going through therapy. Thanks so much for the [platform

Hello, sis Jane,

No apologies needed, dear. We understand. Yes, there is healing power when telling our stories in a space filled with love and empathy. You are a great storyteller. I always look forward to reading your entries.

Have a great October, dear!

Olutosin
Sep 19
Sep 19

I am in tears!
My lovely sister, this should not happen to any woman. No woman should bury her daughter or son. My sister, Im truly sorry to hear this. Only God Almighty will console you. God sees every secret, he will avenge her death. Amen

Jane
Oct 01
Oct 01

My apology for my late response I had no access to my link and be able to thank you for your comfort and motivating comments. Thanks so much m sister, it is well and God will be the one to continue holding my hand through this and my sisters support here too

Tamarack Verrall
Sep 19
Sep 19

Dear Jane,
This is tragic, and I hope you feel the arms of all of us sisters surround you. As women we are forced into so many situations that we would never dream of inflicting on anyone. You were both caught in this system set up to keep us with no power. It is not you who failed your daughter. My heart goes out to you as you begin to heal by telling your story. By telling your story you help others heal from what has happened, too.
With love in sisterhood,
Tam

Jane
Oct 01
Oct 01

Thank you Tam and my apology for my late response, I had no access to this link when I work out of office. Much appreciated for your constant support and encouragement. Truly humbled

ANJ ANA
Sep 19
Sep 19

Dear Jane,
No word to express sadness. May her soul rest in eternal peace.
Extremely sorry and heartfelt condolences for the irreplaceable loss. You are so brave mother, you go through such pain and still working for her justice and spreading awareness for the cause for other young girls. I can feel how painful it would be......
May no mother to be suffered in this pain again, not a single one. Hope this experience be helpful for the girls to be aware and may we all mothers hear and act at the voice of our girls, their uncomfort, their unease. Women's heart is so big and empathetic that sometimes, we listen to others (and assume ourself) than listening to our own dear one, it's so natural phenomenon of we women. May God gives strength to all women that they work from the brain and not from the heart all the time.
I wish for the justice on this investigation.
sending you warm love and strength dear Jane, take care
anjana

Jane
Oct 01
Oct 01

Thanks a mil Ana, that's my prayers too for the justice to do good and also acknowledge defenseless women need to be protected but God's timing always the best. Thanks so much for your word of comfort and my apologies for late response I only get the link to log in when I am working in the office. Again, thank you and God bless

Tarke Edith
Sep 21
Sep 21

Dear Jane
What a sad story ,she is gone just try to forget and pray for her . Longing to know who kill her will not bring her back .l believe it may bring you more pains. Thanks stay blessed sister.

Jane
Oct 01
Oct 01

True so my sister, we just need to be strong and move forward and accept that she is in better place, thanks for your support and encouragement. God bless

Selma Ndi
Sep 21
Sep 21

This story is so hard to process. Be strong for your baby girl sister. I can imagine what it must have been for you. May God continue comforting you. Above all, I pray you find answers that can liberate u.

Jane
Oct 01
Oct 01

Amen my sister, nothing beats the power of a prayer and with the support of my fellow women I gather strength everyday thanks so much and pardon my late response sister.

Kadi_lokule
Oct 09
Oct 09

Dear Jane,

We have very similar cultures when it comes to weddings and in-laws and their reactions to new brides in the home. We do need to support and encourage our daughters regardless - in our culture once she's in her home the mothers are not allowed to interfere and it makes them depressed.

I am sorry for your loss. May you be comforted with an inner peace which surpasses our human understanding. Be blessed