the rise of a scorned child

Jane
Posted October 1, 2019 from South Africa

Children rarely remember what we do. They do remember how we make them feel. If you have made them feel loved – you can be assured that despite any other decisions you have made that day – you have succeeded as a parent. This is a lesson I personally learned that being a loving parent is more fulfilling than a rich parent with no love of their own children. Money comes and goes but love will always remain.

Nothing is as painful as being a scorned girl child, to lose yourself esteem and always considering yourself as an ugly loser who will never do good in their lives as a child, adult, mother or wife, those words echoes in your head all the time, no matter how hard you try, all the good you do turned to look bad in your eyes because that is the picture painted in you heart and mind and that girl child is me today writing this story to you. Being the 3rd daughter and 2 girl siblings I thought we looked alike as sisters BUT amongst them, I was the only one who was constantly told, how dark I was, how ugly, how useless, how unlovable I was and that made me asked myself so many questions of which one was "if I was born into that family" or did I have another mother or being picked somewhere to be treated differently. 

The good part of this, is that I was the brightest, even though that was not even noted and once in my growing life being acknowledged but I had my eyes on my own goal that someday I will be a better person and I become a good and best end product and my wish was still to make my parents proud because regardless of all negative comments and remarks, deep down they knew I was the smartest and my school work proofed that. I never repeated a class and never failed any weekly or monthly test and I was the one who managed to first passed my matric when the favorites dropped out. It was the saddest time growing up, to an extend I had to wear a shoe that was only covering my top foot but with no sole underneath I could feel my feet touching the ground and the rock piercing my feet but I never seized gong to school. I used to wear a shirt with a collar and hands but the whole back with a big iron hole but covered it with my dangarie (school dress) yet that never stopped me from focusing on my goal too. It escalated to a point where my siblings were registered into a private school while I stay and do labor work with my grand mother. That didnt break me but made me strong and be the woman that I am today, I can confirm that due to this I am the strongest at heart as well as physical, I can survive anywhere in the world even in the desert, I can turn a leaf into a meal to feed my own family because I know and learned how to make a house a warm home.

Through all these years, instead of growing with resentment,I grew up loving and loving and longing for love and the love I received at times were received from wrong people who wanted to take advantage of my innocence including some of my teachers however I was smart enough to protect myself in that department as I had no one who cared enough to guide and tell me about the cruelty of the world but learned to grow up quickly on my own to be able to protect myself. The name mnyamane (of which my mother used to call me or used when she felt annoyed by my presence) it sticked with me till I got married and have my own home and children. Mnyamane which means you as dark as a black coal. Due to this, there was a time where one of the well known singers came to play at our nearest hall and my parents were his fans and they decided to take my siblings to go see this singer perform. As a child I thought I also deserved to be there, so I followed them not knowing that the entrance was not free. Standing by the door the security suspected I might have followed someone there and got lost because I was just a child.

A security then picked me up and shouted in the hall before the performance starts, and asked if anyone knew who I was, my parents denied and hide their faces in shame and our neighbour who was also attending the performance had to come get me from the security and claimed to know me and I managed to be part and also saw the performance on that day. Looking back my life and to what I have become, I must positively tell someone who might have or going through the same pain of being a scorned child, to embrace the moment and to know that, what doesnt kills you makes you stronger. Today, I am a graduate and the favorites are none, today I can easily share same and equal love to my children regardless of their difference but they are all my children I carried and gave birth too in a same way and pain to make any of them feel less loved. The lesson is, I can never look down to anyone regardless of their looks and status because in the same way I have risen that same person can rise to uplift me. 

No matter what you have been put through or are going through, never forget the big picture. You are just passing through this level and onto the next, you will one day grow up and make the difference in your life and that of other just like I did and still do. Having dreams, goals and ambition is both exciting and one of the hardest things you will ever experience. And you'll learn some of the hardest truths along the way but never quits and never let anyone dictate who you are and would be just keep your eyes on your own goals and appreciate to understand that you were brought into this world for a purpose, God is a giver of life and the taker, they might be your parents and dear, they prayed to have you as they wanted to have children and there you are, you are definitely not a MISTAKE. No matter what your goal and no matter who is trying to destroy it, don't give up. Keep moving forward (in silence when needed) and when you come out on top you will surprise even your most avid hater.

Today, mnyamane is featured in calendars, international magazine, graduate, mother of the most beautiful children who came from the darkest coal's womb, children who adores and love her as well as respect and proud to call her mommy who raised us single handed when their father passed on when they were still little toddlers YET with her strong heart and soul and sue to the path she walked through which taught her how to be persistent and strong, she managed to play a role of a mother and father, manged to turn grass into chicken to feed her own children BUT most of all managed to turned hatred into the a bigger love and big enough to share with the nation. Today I can look at anyone and understand the pain of being scorned and labeled not to do the same to anyone, not to inflict the same pain of being less loved to anyone. 

You have the power to turn your wounds and worries into wisdom; you just have to do something about them.  You have to accept what has happened and use what you’ve learned to step forward.  Everything you’ve experienced has given you the upper hand for dealing with everything you have yet to experience.  Realize this and set yourself free I HAVE AND I AM FREE FROM BEING CAUGHT INTO "Useless, Ugly, Mnyamane, Stupid, Good for nothing girl" INTO beautiful, fearless, loving and loved human nature,. You can too. Make no mistake, in the end, the price of happiness IS responsibility.  As soon as you stop making everyone and everything else responsible for your happiness, the happier you’ll be.  If you’re unhappy now, it’s not someone else’s fault.

Ultimately, your happiness depends on your self-reliance – your unshakable willingness to take responsibility for your life from this moment forward, regardless of who had a hand in making it the way it is now.  It’s about taking control of your present circumstances, thinking for yourself, and making a firm choice to choose differently.  It’s about being the hero of your life, not the victim. You go GIRL, you are the future mother of the NATION, who is capable of giving birth to a President of the country, the Doctor to heal the world, the teacher to teach the nation about life etc.

 

 

This story was submitted in response to GirlForce: Unscripted and Unstoppable.

Comments 11

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Hello, Sister Jane,

I'm so glad you were able to submit an entry for this call for stories. Wow. You are a woman filled with experiences. I can relate much to this, ""if I was born into that family" or did I have another mother or being picked somewhere to be treated differently. " I used to wonder if I was adopted by the way I was treated at home, too.

This line is so powerful, "You have the power to turn your wounds and worries into wisdom; you just have to do something about them."

You are such a wise woman. Thank you for your empowering message.

Jane
Oct 03
Oct 03

Hi Karen, the journey that I walked in life taught me how to appreciate pain, I know it sounds crazy but pain is something which takes you from your own comfort zone and shows you reality of life and in that manner you learn to appreciate life itself for making you the strongest to have conquered that pain and to appreciate and love individual without judging because you have been in their space before to understand what they might be going through hence I love my community work since I can relate. Thanks a lot for all your encouragement.

Hello, Sis Jane,

That is true. Pain teaches us to empathize.

I think you should write a book. You have so much to share to the world based on your personal experiences. Like a memoir. Who knows that book can be made into a movie. :)

You’re welcome, sister.

Anita Shrestha
Oct 01
Oct 01

Dear sister
Thank you for sharing

Jane
Oct 03
Oct 03

My pleasure sister Anita

maeann
Oct 01
Oct 01

Hi Jane,
Thank you for sharing. You are a strong woman. You use your experienced to be responsible.

Jane
Oct 03
Oct 03

Thank you kindly my sister and I hope some who have been on the same route would relate and somehow motivates them to know you are not what the world label you but the person of which God created for a purpose

maeann
Oct 05
Oct 05

That is right. Thank you

Jill Langhus
Oct 02
Oct 02

Hello Dear Jane,

How are you doing, dear? Thanks for sharing another powerful chapter and message from your life with us. I'm sorry you had to go through this. I feel like you have done a lot of work around this and have persevered, but I do feel that there still needs to be some forgiveness, or release, around how your family has treated you. It's not an easy feat. I've had to practice a lot of forgiveness for how my family treated me, but in the end I totally believe what you're saying, too. Life is happening for me, and not to me. I'm no longer a victim, and I have a choice. You are strong, and wise, and you deserve joy, and freedom, dear.

I hope you're doing well, and having a great week!

XX

Jane
Oct 03
Oct 03

Hi Jill
Thanks again for your encouragement and I can surely relate the pain especially when inflicted by your own family, it is as much as painful if you receive such treatment from the world BUT family, especially when we have no way of choosing them. It took me ages to forgive especially when I ended up getting married at the young age just to be away from them and to have something and home which I can call my own and the love I never experienced and thank God that I happened to find love from my 1st husband and made me forget all the pain and be able to forgive and forget.

Jill Langhus
Oct 04
Oct 04

Hello Jane!

You're welcome:-) Okay. I'm glad that you've done forgiveness work. I wasn't sure. Yes, it does take a long time and still keeps cropping up; at least for me it still does when something new gets triggered. Yes, you were fortunate that you found that. My oldest sister did that and lived to regret it.

Hope you're doing well, and have a great weekend:-)