Lesson 1: "After all I've done for you"

"After all I’ve done for you, you are not going to do this for me?"

I got blackmailed with this phrase so many times by the same person. I think it was his famous quote, because every time I refused to do something because I wasn’t feeling good, I wasn’t comfortable or I simply just didn’t feel like it, he would get mad and burst out of nowhere “after all I’ve done for you, you are not going to do this for me?” as if I was in debt with him.

He said it for the first time when I refused to kiss him while watching a movie I had been waiting a whole year to watch with all of our friends. It was our three months’ celebration and he had given me two tickets to my favorite band’s concert and had paid for the tickets to the cinema, so, somehow, “I was indebted to him for his chivalry”. 

I know that this topic generates some trouble because of the limits of chivalry and what we, as women, are supposed to pay for or not when we go out on a date. In my defense, I had told him so many times that day (and the days before) that I really wanted to watch the movie and that I felt uncomfortable being too cheesy or “loving” with all our friends watching, so he wasn’t really supposed to get mad because “we were on the same channel”, or at least I thought we were.

Once I refused, he snorted, stopped hugging me and didn’t even turn to look at me through the whole movie, which was better for me because I could finally not be distracted, but once the movie ended he stormed out of the room and didn’t even make sure I got home safely. He was supposed to take me back to my house; it was 11 pm and being on your own in an Uber as a girl in Mexico City at that time was pretty dangerous, but he didn’t even care and it was one of his friends who texted me to make sure I got home safe after walking me to my Uber.

When I got home I thought it was best to let him sleep on it, but he simply started texting me that I was an ungrateful and spoiled child and that it was so incredibly selfish of me to do something like that after all he had done for me that day. In a second I started apologizing, feeling like it was my complete fault and that I was, actually, in debt with him. Literally, I had to humiliate myself to convince him to forgive me; I begged him for a whole day to just talk to me and to let me explain to him what had happened and, for a couple of months after “he forgave me”, he still used this incident as a new way to blackmail me into doing what he wanted.

Later on, he would use this same phrase to convince me of walking back home on my own at night (after he had told me he was taking me back early) or doing anything sexual with him just because “he invited me to have lunch at his place”, as if it had been the greatest love act he could’ve ever done.

Again, I know that not all women need a man to take care of them, but my parents trusted him to get me back home safely after I hung out with him and everytime I ended up lying to them so they wouldn’t get mad at him and would keep letting me go out with him. One important thing I want to emphasize is that, once you need to lie to your parents (this applies especially to teenagers and girls), your friends or anyone that you have any confidence in, it is a red flag to watch out for.

My father was not deluded, so he approached me (please, if any of you are mothers, don’t be afraid to talk to your children about what you find shady about their relationships) and told me “my dear, I don’t trust that boy anymore and I would like you to think very seriously about your relationship with him because he is blackmailing you into lying to me and putting yourself in danger just so he stays in his comfort zone”. 

It took me a whole year and a half to finally understand that he was hurting me and my relationship with my family and, when I finally broke up with him, he started telling me that “all I wanted was a driver and a wallet” but that, to my misfortune, “he was not going to be the one to keep spoiling me”. I’m not gonna lie, I didn’t even feel bad, in fact, I felt so incredibly relieved that he was finally going to leave me alone.

Ladies, if you had an agreement with someone and he decides to do last-minute changes he didn’t tell you about and gets mad at you when you remind him of the original agreement, run away. 

Also, run away whenever he makes you feel like you are in debt with him. You are not his property, you don’t owe him anything, and you should never feel as if you should put your conscience or your peace aside to “make it up” for him. If he really loves you and if he really cares for you he won’t force you to do anything you don’t feel comfortable with.  

He just wants you to be there for him whenever he wants or needs you, but won’t be there for you whenever you want him, let alone whenever you really need him.