Look for freedom

i raised since i was chiled that my body haram my lough haram my hair haram me voice haram i raised that my brothers have aright to go out when thy want but my not they have aright to love but me not they have aright to travel i raised on fear fear of my brothers fear of family fear men iam a girl 28 years old. I live in a small town in Egypt ihave 2brother older than me Most people in this town know each ather appear regilious conservstive community but in fact that sinc i was young When i i go out Iwas heard dirtiest words describe my body their looks which Violates my body someone catches my chest some one catch my ass I was not understand what was happening, I am still a kid I remember I was 12 I was going to my aunt who lives in the next street she lived in building most of apartments were empty when i was on the stairs some onefollowing me tried to raping me screamed my aunt heard he scared and ranaway i was terrified shaking I do not know if my aunt told my mother or not, I couldnt talk with my mother in these subjects when i became 15mybrother forced me to wear hijab Prevented me from going out except with my mather even the school they delivering me of course, a girls' school my father was still alive when i complained he said they afraid on me he was so kind he coudnt control them my mother also see thes isupposed to teenager thinking of admiring love and freedom future but I was afraid even to think about this iremember on day found my brother is coming angry from street fighting with me and hit me his friend tell him that I spokewith aguy on phone swore i didnt do that but he did not believe beat me and insulted me my mother tried to defend me. always i was lonly ididnt have friends only a neighbor on the same ageis they allowing me to go to her because she had no brothers She was my only friend. but in one of the times he heard us when we are talking she tells me she liked someone when he heard that prevented me from talk to her even theuniversty. I dreamt of law school but they refused because no universities in the city told them that it is possible to live in the dormitories, but they refused Entered the Department of philosophy I didn't like I'd go at the beginning of the year to buy books and at the end to attend exam onlyMy mom always tell me the girls educatud for raising her kids my mather all her think to make me marry i remember the first groom my mom tell my that agroomwill come tomorrow to see me i coudnt sleep this night of fear i was thinking what if my brother agreed what will i do how can i maary someone i dont know imeet them and iwas shaking every one was speaking and i was silent I asked permission to go to the bathroom iwascry cry then washing my face and go out My mother was noticed.that but she didntcare after they go no one ask my about my opionion i told my mather that iam disagree fought with me after that they disagreed for physical reasons
This position was repeated every time the same fear the same horror the same paine sometime the grom refuse me some time family refuse agroom Every time the subject fails I feel that fate gives me a new opportunityI fear a lot of marriage I hear many stories My cousin was telling me that her husband hit her since first week of marriage and stole her money that she inherited her from her father othercousin was her husband beating her daily in front of her children was prevented from speaking to her brothers or her mother alote of story Divorce is very difficult because the girl's family and society will not be allowed..When discussing with my mom tells me this is a realitywe must accept that, but I can't accept this reality I can't be part of it..All older Mom was getting worried about the subject of marriage, And all our relatives are asking why I didn't marry she must accept any groom And whatever age passes I feel more loneliness I feel like I'm in prison I can't get out of i always thinking about escape, but where to go, I have no money and no job passes mor don't know what to do all the doors closed in my face, I fear that mom come on and tell me thes the person you will marry himI hope inhale free air I dream to ride a bike I dream to let my hair down I dream to love I always ask myself why we created in a society that doesn't love doesn't respect us doesn't giveour right I don't know if I'm not strong enough I'm not brave enough.