Memoirs of a chaotic mind

Sambridhi
Posted May 6, 2017 from Nepal

I was listening to Bob Dylan's " Blowing in the wind" while on an evening stroll, with mind keen on the music playing but scattered thoughts inside. The thoughts are drowning; so much to an extent it feels absurd for not being able to put a hold to them. Seriously, when will I stop thinking that much? Having an analytical mind and a carefree attitude is a paradox itself and paradoxes are often confusing.

Just as I was lost in thoughts and the music began to fade away in the background, I finally decided to take my earphones off and sat on a seat in a park besides lovers who were basically, on a date, in Shakespearean language to be more precise; wooing each other. I couldn't help but overhear them, sometimes un-intentionally sometimes on purpose with interest.

He was probably about 24 years or more, she looked like in her early 20s. She sure was pretty. Very feminine, in her dress, her neatly tied bun, and that effort with which she did her make up gave me the idea why I suck at dressing up ladylike sometimes. Also calm and a little shy, she was you could say your girl next door. People especially women are considerably the symbolismfor many big words I doubt I barely live up to sometimes. Femininity is often associated with great adjectives like patience, love, warmth, sensitivity cheerfulness and sunshine. The guy called her sunshine, and then I asked to myself, was I ever one? Probably not. . She blushed I pretended not to hear or see any of it, instead kept my earphones back on shuffling through my phone without a hint of letting them know I was indeed a part of the conversation. (I am a bad bad person) but in my defense, I blame the curiosity bug in me trying to learn whatever strikes its fancy.

The word sunshine; when people say they are sunshineI wonder what do they even mean by that for I have always found a different kind of serenity in darkness, the moonlight and the wind. And I often laugh a little when people claim some one to be their sunshine and vice versa because people want sunshine and I can be anything but sunshine. I have always loved the darkness equally, if the sun makes me feel warm and content, illuminates my spark, the dark nights have swallowed my biggest fears, anxieties and loneliness in the most comforting ways one can imagine. Isn't darkness under-rated? So if ever a lover chooses to compare me with darkness, I'd understand, I'd find a friend.

His sunshine was really like sunshine, at least she looked like sunshine, may be smelled like roses too, and whatsoever the usually romanticized phrases. I wondered how many people actually tend to love dark clouds and rainy mornings, the crazy wind and blizzards! Does that exist? In real life or just books? Would you fall in love with Wednesday Addams if she were real?

He and his sunshine laughed about some thing they found hilarious and then I thought I'd move on, so I took my earphones off and finally parted ways while the sun was still shining with her smile on and he looked at her like he'd discover life on Mars, I mean that glorious look on his face. Interesting! I wonder if someday she'd suddenly turn into a gloomy Sunday song, would he still be calling her sunshine with that same glorious look on his face? Well who was I to analyze lovers just having a good time and then create philosophy out of it?

So I did not bother anymore, took my thoughts and Dylan with me, walked away from sunshine towards my complexities and chaos of mind. Because I need to conquer them, so I shouldn't give up so easily. If you aren't your own dark nights and sunny days, how are you going to live the rest of your life to the most?

Comments 7

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Jill Langhus
May 07, 2017
May 07, 2017

Hi Sambridhi! Welcome to World Pulse. I love the ruminations of Sambridhi:-) Thanks for sharing. It sounds like you need to tell your inner critic to cool it there:-) Love and embrace yourself for who you are... warts and all. There is a reason for every single one of your perceived flaws....

Sambridhi
May 08, 2017
May 08, 2017

Hello Jlanghus, thanks for taking time to read it. Well sometimes in life we tend to scrutinize every tiny detail, and become critical of ourselves. Thanks for your good advice about loving oneself more.

Much love. :)

Jill Langhus
May 08, 2017
May 08, 2017

You're very welcome:) For sure, but sometimes... well, a lot of the time, we need to tell "Cruella" to ease up. We've tried beating ourselves up for years and that hasn't worked, so let's try a new way, a way to love ourselves. I paraphrased that from someone:-)

Sambridhi
May 08, 2017
May 08, 2017

Beautiful. Self love is very important indeed. 

Jill Langhus
May 09, 2017
May 09, 2017

☺️

Savita
May 31, 2017
May 31, 2017

Hi Sambridhi,

Boost your self-confidence. Believe that you are the creator of your own reality, Thank God for what you already have and for what you would like to bring about.Your self-confidence will lead you to your goal.  

Sambridhi
May 31, 2017
May 31, 2017

Hello Savita,

Thank you for the good words. I will keep this in mind. :)

Sending you best wishes . :)