Karva Chauth - Time to leave this patriarchal custom behind

Today is Karva-chauth, a one-day festival celebrated by Hindu women. In this tradition married women fast from sunrise to moonrise for the safety and longevity of their husbands. Karva- means a pot (an earth pot) and ‘chauth’ means fourth in Hindi (the festival falls on the fourth day of the dark-fortnight). Northwestern parts of India mostlycelebrate it.

This festival is associated with many legends. The one I grew up with is about Queen Veeravati who had seven brothers. On the day of the festival, she was at her parent’s house and fasting for her husband. By evening Veeravati was suffering from hunger and thirst. The brothers couldn’t bear to see her plight and tricked her by showing her a fake moon. Veeravati believed them and broke her fast by drinking water and eating food. The moment she ate, news arrived that her husband, the king was dead. Heartbroken she wept the whole night and that forced the goddess Parvati to appear before her. When the queen shared how her brothers had tricked her, Parvati asked her to repeat the fast with utmost dedication. Veeravati repeated the fast and ‘Yama’ the God of death revived her husband back to life.

Following the tradition millions of married Hindu women fast each year for their husband’s long life. I grew up watching this tradition every year. My grandmother, mother and aunt would fast the whole day (not even drink water) and in the evening sit together to do some exchange of the karvas and a prayer service. The reason I vividly remember these events is because I always participated in them. Since I was a small girl, I was the fourth wheel in their exchange of Karvas (three is considered an inauspicious number). I didn’t fast but went through the whole prayer ritual year after year until I finally moved out of home for college.

I got married 6 years ago and as per tradition, started fasting on Karva Chauth. It was a given, no questions asked. The night before my mother-in-law and mother would give some instructions on how to manage the day. They would inquire about the day assuming that I would fast. Every year I would think about the absurdity of it all, even joke about it but still fast from morning till moonrise. I did it out of fear. Fear of the consequences of breaking an age-old tradition. Usually it became an excuse to gather at a friends place and do the karva exchange etc. Each one modified the tradition a tad bit to suit their needs. I did too. Unlike my mother and grandmother (who fasted without water), I would drink a cup of tea in the evening after the prayer ritual.

Usually most women end up with a bad headache by evening and are dying of hunger waiting for the moon to show up. All dressed up from head to toe, henna tattooed hands and looking their best, I know many who take pride in this tradition and follow the rituals to the T. Nothing wrong with that. It’s their belief system and I respect their decision.

This year, I decided to break the tradition and not fast anymore. I did it for various reasons. The primary being, I don’t believe that by fasting my husband will live a longer and safer life. (He will live a longer life by following a healthier lifestyle). In a country like India that struggles constantly with gender equality and respect for women in the most basic sense, traditions like these further perpetuate the patriarchal notions of hierarchy and sacrifice. Where is the equality in fasting for your husband’s life? What about your life, is that not important? Is he fasting for you too? If the tradition truly celebrates love and the bond of marriage, it would call on all married couples to fast for each other.

My friend Namrata loves Karva Chauth because her husband fasts with her, for her long life. Quoting her, “for us, Karva Chauth is a day where we spend time on “us”. Before our kids came along, this day was all about fasting together, going for an evening movie to distract us from our hunger and thirst, coming back home to do the puja together before heading out to a fancy place for a “dinner date”. Time which we generally could ill afford to spend on “us” became our ritual on Karva Chauth.

Smita, a resident of Atlanta, a career woman and a mom of two young girls say “for me it’s more about the tradition. I dislike fasting but like the festivity that comes with it. I grew up seeing my mom do it every year. As little kids we would run up to our terrace every year, to check if the moon came out. Those things stuck with me. Living here in the U.S., thousands of miles away from India, I do whatever I can to stay connected to my culture. I have two small girls; I want to pass on my traditions to them. So I make an extra effort to celebrate these festivals and traditions. It creates a festive atmosphere in the house. My kids are drawn to it.\"

As for me, I made the decision to break this archaic tradition last night. I announced it to my husband. Asked how he felt. He replied it was purely my decision. My mother-in-law and mother supported my decision. Both reiterated that they did it because it had now become a habit for them. After doing it for 35+ years they didn’t want to give up. But they were happy for me that I was going the other way. The choice was purely mine.

Mind you, it’s not always easy to break a tradition (no matter how regressive it is). Like millions of Indian girls, I too am conditioned (since childhood) to follow thesetraditions without questioning them. Festivals like Karva Chauth, Rakhi (a sister tying a thread on the brother’s wrist & asking him to protect her) perpetuate the notion of patriarchy. It signals that men are superior and more important than women. Challenging that thought is not easy especially if you grew up with it.

Guilt surrounds you. Fear dis-empowers you. If somehow you get over the guilt, the society around you questions your decision every minute. They make you feel like you are doing something wrong. One has to believe in oneself and the have a strong sense of equality to be able to challenge and break such regressive customs.

As a mother of a 9-month baby girl, I want my daughter to grow up with a sense of equality. I challenge these age-old regressive customs and traditions (I grew up with) to set the right examples for my daughter.Let's to wait for another generation to go by. Celebrate your culture and be proud of your traditions but challenge the ones that hold you back from growing.