Self Care - Because I Deserve It

Self Care: We care for ourselves so we can care for the world

I lay flat on the wooden floor of my apartment, unable to move my sore body. The floor felt good. The yoga balls pressed hard against my back tissue and any slight movement, I would let out a cry in pain. I had knots in my shoulders and my back was weak. I had lost my flexibility and went breathless in seconds. Exactly a year ago, I delivered my beautiful and precious daughter. Like most mothers, I had taken extreme care and precaution during the pregnancy; I exercised regularly, ate right and gained bare minimum weight. After all I had to deliver a healthy baby!

My delivery was quick and seamless. Even before I could say Jack Robinson, my daughter was out. It couldn’t have been any better, all natural and safe. The best I could hope for. I breastfed my daughter for eight month and rapidly lost my baby fat within the first three months. It was like magic! While I looked great, I did not feel great physically. Yes, I could fit in my pre-pregnancy clothes, but beneath those clothes, my back ached, shoulders were always sore and my breasts heavy. I would get breathless quickly and could barely touch my toes (my flexibility was something I was always proud of).

Very few people advised me on post-partum self-care. Most of the advice I received was focused on keeping my baby healthy, safe and eating right so that I produced enough milk for her. Nobody stressed that I should take out some time daily and take care of my body, build my strength back. I underestimated its importance and continued to focus on my daughter and my outward appearance (measured by the size of the clothes I fit in).

Days turned into weeks and weeks into months. I went from exercising daily (pre-pregnancy) to not exercising at all. Exercising and self-care was pushed to the bottom of my priority list. They never left the list but were always placed last. Everyday I would tell myself, if I had time, I would go for a run or do yoga! The bargaining started every morning, at 9am I convinced myself to focus on my work and those unanswered emails, by noon I bargained again to exercise at 4pm. By 4pm I needed my cup of tea and was still scrambling with unfinished work and after 5pm my childcare help left for the day. It was time with my daughter, I couldn’t or chose not to go out and exercise. The dialogue played like a broken record in my head daily. I fully understood the benefits, the pros and cons of self-care but chose not to take action. Some days, I chose, others I was unable to.

I stopped breastfeeding at month 8, and the weight gain was rapid. It baffled me, but I still kept making excuses to myself. As an entrepreneur running my own organization, who has the time to exercise when you have two babies to handle at once! I was balancing work and home, I should adjust my expectations. My husband would joke about me looking fat but also comforted my to take it easy as I had delivered a baby! I continued to sacrifice self-care. I mediated less, wrote less and exercised less. All things there were a part of my self-care routine became things to do “If I had the time”. As luck would have it, I never had the time.

I just finished celebrating my daughter’s first birthday. It was a grand affair; friends and family gathered and people from all over wished her and us for “surviving the first year”. While she is a happy and healthy kid, I feel unhealthy daily! I weigh the heaviest I ever have in my life, my breast still look like I am feeding 4 kids, my breath is short and I am still dreaming of stepping back into that gym. I wake up each morning with a sore neck and shoulders. Some days I will be kind to myself and steal some quick free hand shoulder rolls to ease off the pain. This is all while I am brewing my first cup of tea at 6:30 am in the morning. Some days I will lie flat on the ground and let my body sink into the floor. I feel every ache & every pain in my body. Breathe into every muscle I have. Reminiscent about the time, I was fit, active and regularly running. Each morning, while sipping my cup of tea, feeding my daughter her bottle of milk, I will start bargaining on what I will do for self-care today. Each night, I will fail myself and rest my aching body on the bed and dream of a healthier day.

Most mothers struggle with this but they have to know they are not alone. We hardly ever discussour hidden struggles. While we may not be able to be as active (exercise) immediately after the baby, we need to be easy on ourselves and not berate ourselves for it. Remember, we cannot pour from an empty cup. So find your rhythm and balance and practice some self-care. We all deserve it.