His glory in my brokenness

Shannon Lockhart-Roberts
Posted August 5, 2020 from United States

Being raised in a single parent home, I struggled with feeling loved...I thought if I spoke about this feeling I’d be complaining because after all my mother was doing the best she could. I decided to suffer in silence. I put up a facade and portrayed as if my father’s absence didn’t bother me but on the inside it was tearing me apart. On the inside i cringed at the thought of not being a priority. I couldn’t grasp the fact how a person who helped create me wanted nothing to do with me. I felt neglected and ignored so I decided to search for love but in all the wrong places. I longed for a man to fill the whole in my heart my father left. He didn’t leave anything but a vacant feeling inside of me. I didn’t know what love was so I assumed it had to be someone choking you, aggressively grabbing you and calling you every name but the one on your birth certificate. It would make sense the reason why my father was never there was because I’m unloveable. It has to be my fault. Since I am unloveable this type of “love” that abusive, toxic and manipulative love has to be the real deal. The more I searched for love the hole in my core seemed to become larger and more incapable of being filled. Every man I allowed access to me seemed to make me feel more distant and cold. The problem was they couldn’t save me because they needed saving too. I would say “ I love you” but truthfully I couldn’t comprehend or even begin to display what those words truly mean. I genuinely just wanted to feel good but every “good” feeling was only temporary. I tried to drown my sorrows in alcohol and weed- I just had to drown out the brokenness some way some how but after every failed relationship, failed suicide attempt, failed self soothing methods I was at a loss and I was lost. I just cried-then I felt an immaculate surge of peace enter the room. For the first time in a long time I felt at ease. I felt true joy. I felt loved. I didn’t have to tell God I was tired and fed up. He just knew it and came to my rescue like a true father. He saved me from a downward spiral. He saved me from my hurt and pain. I didn’t know that a person’s  absence could have such an impact on me but God knew and decided to be present. He knew what I needed before I did. He didn’t condemn me for all of my mistakes he just loved me and that was exactly what I needed....

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Nini Mappo
Aug 06
Aug 06

Hi Mrsshay,
Thank you for sharing your touching story in search of love and worth which is really sad but has such a beautiful ending. I hope that the brokenness caused by an absentee father is slowly being mended, and that you are rising whole, a daughter of the King. Loved and cherished beyond description.

I hope that you have understood that it was not your fault he wasn't there. That as an image bearer of God you are worthy of the highest, purest love. And that perhaps, out of his own brokenness, your father had no love to give. But whatever his reasons, you are not to blame.

I hope that just as you now attest to God's love, you can see yourself as He sees you in all your beauty inside and out. Because God doesn't make trash!

Much love and light to you.

Thank you so much for your kind words! ❤️
I have realized sometimes we go through things in life to help and inspire others. I didn’t understand it when I was in the situation but now I do and have such a peace about it. After venting to loved ones, learning how to let go and forgive, I can finally say I am whole. It’s simply because God decided to choose me at my most vulnerable moment. You are absolutely right, God doesn’t make trash! I can also attest to the fact he knows how to turn mess into a masterpiece!

Thanks again! Blessings and love!

Shirin Dalaki
Aug 06
Aug 06

Hello Love,

Welcome to World Pulse and thanks for sharing your story with us... finding peace in you is so magnificent ... I am so happy for you.
Most of us have the story of feeling unloved and yet what is beautiful is the breakthrough and the journey that we get to share with others.
We see our presence, value and beauty and that we exists because God loves us.
I am so glad that you see yourself as a masterpiece because you are ... your uniqueness makes you different and God created it for you.

Shirin

Thank you so much! It feels so good to be free!
You are so right- we go through various struggles in life and I learned our stories are a manual to help others! That is what made every trial I endured worth it. ❤️
Thanks again☺️

Chi8629
Aug 06
Aug 06

Hello Beautiful Sister,.
Thank you for sharing.

God bless you ❤️ thank you for taking the time to read it!

Chi8629
Aug 06
Aug 06

God bless you too beautiful .

Hello, Mrsshay, (or is it Shannon?)

Welcome to World Pulse! We're happy that a new voice from the US is rising up!

Those feelings you experienced growing up is valid, dear. Whenever parents neglect to show love and care to their children, the children feel it's their fault or they are unlovable.

Like Nini said, it's not your fault that your father abandoned you. It's not your fault that you will be looking for love or confused love in abusive relationships. I'm happy you found the truest and purest form of love, Agape love, dear sister.

This resonates with me, "I just cried-then I felt an immaculate surge of peace enter the room. For the first time in a long time I felt at ease. I felt true joy. I felt loved. I didn’t have to tell God I was tired and fed up. He just knew it and came to my rescue like a true father."

I experience that, too. A lot. Tears is a language God understands.

Keep sharing your stories. We love to know more about you.

Welcome again to our growing sisterhood!

Thanks for the welcome- My name is Shannon :) ❤️ I am so grateful to be a part of this warming/welcoming community!

I stand in awe how God just knows us! Before we fix our mouths to speak he already knows what is on our hearts. It’s such a beautiful thing. Thank you so much for your kind words Karen :)

You're welcome, dear sister! We're happy you're here.

Hello, Mrsshay, (or is it Shannon?)

Welcome to World Pulse! We're happy that a new voice from the US is rising up!

Those feelings you experienced growing up is valid, dear. Whenever parents neglect to show love and care to their children, the children feel it's their fault or they are unlovable.

Like Nini said, it's not your fault that your father abandoned you. It's not your fault that you will be looking for love or confused love in abusive relationships. I'm happy you found the truest and purest form of love, Agape love, dear sister.

This resonates with me, "I just cried-then I felt an immaculate surge of peace enter the room. For the first time in a long time I felt at ease. I felt true joy. I felt loved. I didn’t have to tell God I was tired and fed up. He just knew it and came to my rescue like a true father."

I experience that, too. A lot. Tears is a language God understands.

Keep sharing your stories. We love to know more about you.

Welcome again to our growing sisterhood!