His glory in my brokenness

Being raised in a single parent home, I struggled with feeling loved...I thought if I spoke about this feeling I’d be complaining because after all my mother was doing the best she could. I decided to suffer in silence. I put up a facade and portrayed as if my father’s absence didn’t bother me but on the inside it was tearing me apart. On the inside i cringed at the thought of not being a priority. I couldn’t grasp the fact how a person who helped create me wanted nothing to do with me. I felt neglected and ignored so I decided to search for love but in all the wrong places. I longed for a man to fill the whole in my heart my father left. He didn’t leave anything but a vacant feeling inside of me. I didn’t know what love was so I assumed it had to be someone choking you, aggressively grabbing you and calling you every name but the one on your birth certificate. It would make sense the reason why my father was never there was because I’m unloveable. It has to be my fault. Since I am unloveable this type of “love” that abusive, toxic and manipulative love has to be the real deal. The more I searched for love the hole in my core seemed to become larger and more incapable of being filled. Every man I allowed access to me seemed to make me feel more distant and cold. The problem was they couldn’t save me because they needed saving too. I would say “ I love you” but truthfully I couldn’t comprehend or even begin to display what those words truly mean. I genuinely just wanted to feel good but every “good” feeling was only temporary. I tried to drown my sorrows in alcohol and weed- I just had to drown out the brokenness some way some how but after every failed relationship, failed suicide attempt, failed self soothing methods I was at a loss and I was lost. I just cried-then I felt an immaculate surge of peace enter the room. For the first time in a long time I felt at ease. I felt true joy. I felt loved. I didn’t have to tell God I was tired and fed up. He just knew it and came to my rescue like a true father. He saved me from a downward spiral. He saved me from my hurt and pain. I didn’t know that a person’s  absence could have such an impact on me but God knew and decided to be present. He knew what I needed before I did. He didn’t condemn me for all of my mistakes he just loved me and that was exactly what I needed....