Dealing With Imposter Syndrome, Daily

Shruti Sharada
Posted June 20, 2019 from India

I wasn’t aware of the term till I entered therapy. When my counselor mentioned Imposter Syndrome for the first time, a huge missing puzzle piece in my head seemed to appear out of nowhere to fill a misshapen gap that had been open for a lifetime.

 

I had been a straight-As student in school and college. I won many trophies as a public speaker, debater, and quizzer all through school and college. I wasn’t ‘cool’ and couldn’t care less about it. I wrote well, I spoke well, and I was looked at as being someone who will easily do well in life.

 

I am not sure, still, what ‘doing well’ needs to entail. It is subjective and evolutionary. I have understood that now. But the one thing that has definitely remained stationary about this concept is my deep sense of inadequacy. No matter what job, what interest, what volunteer-ship, etc., I always carry an imaginary load of being an undeserving participant in the fold, constantly fighting the feeling that I don’t belong and that everybody else is infinitely cooler and smarter than I can ever aspire to be. Mind you, these feelings are interspersed with an awareness of how overblown my understanding of people’s presentations of themselves is, but they don’t override the main emotion.

 

This feeling has a form. This is personal, and for me, there is a form. It is a weird hollowness in the stomach. It is a black hole from which no light escapes. It sucks in all my confidence, all my reassurances, teasing the rest of my body to go into a tizzy of damage control. It is like carrying around a bully inside your being. It makes you wonder if it is you, in fact, who is feeding it and keeping it alive. It confuses the hell out of you, making you run around in circles that touch varying points of doubts — from minor hiccups to long-term self-sabotage.

 

So, how do I live with it? I want to say, I have no clue! But instead, I am going to say that I live with the acute awareness of being afflicted (ha!) with imposter syndrome. I get used to rationalizing my doubts — are they real and fact-based, or imaginary and fed by a demon? A lot of times, it is the latter. I try my best to trust that pattern and use historical perspective to keep moving forward. I try to listen to and absorb the words of well-wishers.

 

And, I try to tell myself that I deserve to be where I am. And, that I deserve to aim higher. Every day.

Comments 14

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Lisbeth
Jun 20
Jun 20

Welcome to worldpulse and thanks for sharing this your up building story. Will love to read more of your stories. Take care

Shruti Sharada
Jun 29
Jun 29

Thank you for your support ❤️

Sheep Women
Jun 21
Jun 21

Thank you for sharing this Shruti, I have also felt this way in my life. I don't think it is an accident. I believe there is a very strong societal power ( patriarchy ) to keep us feeling this way. Keep us down. We will overcome.

Shruti Sharada
Jun 29
Jun 29

So agree. I feel it starts at home, did so for me for sure. And takes a long time to unlearn and overcome. How do you cope?

Jill Langhus
Jun 21
Jun 21

Hi Shruti,

Thanks for sharing your first, vulnerable story with us. I can relate to this. I don't necessarily feel like an imposter, but I have definitely felt inferior for most of my life. It's due to feeling "not good enough" and feeling like I have had to be perfect all of my life from being conditioned to do so in childhood. It's been a process to heal and debunk these set of debilitating beliefs, and it literally affects everything so I can definitely relate if this is what you mean. I've often felt, not recently, a sort of disassociation with myself. It doesn't feel good, or authentic, to say the least. Can you relate to this or do you feel like your challenge is something else? I'm glad you spoke up so we can help and so that you can start to feel more whole, happy and authentic, too. I'm looking forward to seeing more posts from you, dear.

Hope you're having a good day!

Shruti Sharada
Jun 29
Jun 29

Thank you for your words, Jill ❤️

My greatest challenge is the ever present feeling of inadequacy, which effectively means no matter how hard I try, I feel that I can't move ahead. It is a process of constantly doubting your steps and letting opportunities pass by. I always feel that I am 'lucky' to get chances, and not that I am worth it.

How do you cope?

Jill Langhus
Jun 29
Jun 29

You're very welcome, dear:-)

Oh. I'm so sorry that you feel that, dear, and I sooo hear you.

Why do you feel that this belief is blocking your progress? I think you will find that a lot of people feel this way, which hopefully will help a little bit? It helped me quite a bit when I realized I wasn't alone in doubting myself or my next steps. I think part of the challenge for a lot of people, or humans in general, is that we don't like the unknown. This is a big challenge for me, and it causes procrastination and a lot of doubt, and even inaction, sometimes. That's okay. We don't need to further beat ourselves up, but keep an eye on the prize. What is your major goal? You will get there eventually. Just try to take baby steps. Even if it's just getting out of bed, or making one connection in a day. It all pays off in the end, and moves you closer to whatever goal you are focused on.

Why do you feel that opportunities are passing you by? I would seriously question this belief? It could be a perception issue. Usually when one door closes, another opens, or it will be presented in another way. Don't use it as another excuse to beat yourself up, dear.

I can relate to the luck, too. This is probably a childhood belief, too, the worthiness thing. It all take time, patience, self-love, and wonderful resources and tools to help you feel better and to attain the joy, peace and love that you so richly deserve, dear. You are worthy.

Feel free to message me, if you would like more tools, resources and tips...ha:) I've amassed quite a few over the years. Oh, I almost forgot. I pulled this quote aside just for you, "Good things never come from comfort zones. Success comes from being comfortable being uncomfortable." It's so true.

Hope you're having a good day.

prakriti sapkota
Jun 21
Jun 21

Hello Shruti!
Thank u for sharing ur story with us.
I too have felt this in my life. Yes, u deserve better and higher.
Keep posting ur stories. Hoping to hearing from u.
Prakriti

Shruti Sharada
Jun 29
Jun 29

Thank you for the support ❤️
I hope you find strength everyday in yourself.

Tamarack Verrall
Jun 22
Jun 22

Dear Shruti,
Your message hits home and I agree with Sheep Women, there are so many ways that we especially as women are taught not to trust ourselves, our abilities and the worth of our ideas. I love your final words "I deserve to be where I am" and "I deserve to aim higher". Soar on, sister!

Shruti Sharada
Jun 29
Jun 29

They are daily reminders! Thank you for the support ❤️

Beth Lacey
Jun 27
Jun 27

Welcome to World Pulse. Lord, I know what you are talking about and how it makes you feel. All I can say is you are always enough

Shruti Sharada
Jun 29
Jun 29

Thank you so much! ❤️

Hello, Shruti,

Oh, wow. Your story resonates with me. So that is what Imposter Syndrome feels like. I too have that stubborn feeling of inadequacy. I attributed it to growing up receiving too much criticisms from my own mother. I was never good enough to her and I always felt her disapproval is somewhere out there. I beat myself up and am too hard on myself. I’m not sure if that’s Imposter Syndrome.

Thank you for sharing this topic. When we begin to accept ourselves and say we are enough, it is a powerful awakening to embrace ourselves unapologetically.

Welcome to World Pulse, dear! It’s great to have a new voice rising from India. Please check our Resources Page. There could be an opportunity fit for you there.

Please keep on writing!