I could be a single mum for the 2nd time...

snetha
Posted June 21, 2010 from United Kingdom

My relationship isn't working at all. I have a child with this guy and an older son from my ex-husband. This is pure bad luck. Im fed up and have no faith in love or men anymore... and here I am raising 2 boys.

This is more difficult as I am British Indian and I will be regarded as a 'bad' women due to my status. I am full of fear but I CAN NOT be with my partner as he KILLS my spirit and tried to make me into another type of women! Etc, etc, ect...

I'm very unsure if this is ok to share and I am sorry if it isn't.

xxx

Comments 6

Log in or register to post comments
Carri Pence
Jun 21, 2010
Jun 21, 2010

Snetha, Of course this is okay to write about. I am sorry the men in your life fail to make you feel confident, stable, and loved like you want to be. It is hard to fear the judgement of your peers but that shouldn't be a reason for you to stay in a relationship. But in all honesty it takes a great man to beat being single. Thus, you need to follow your heart and make yourself happy. It was hard to grow up with my mom and dad's marriage where my mom wasn't happy at all and it was a relief to my sister and me when my mom separated from him. I understand that you might feel like you will be alone but you have your two children that will bring you comfort when you feel like you have no one. And you always have us on pulsewire.

Carri Pence

snetha
Jun 21, 2010
Jun 21, 2010

Hi Carri

Thank you so much for this message. Yes I agree that I shouldn't be with my partner just because Indian people will judge me if I leave him. I can understand what you mean when your mum left your dad and it was a relief - my parents have been married for over 30 years (arranged) but they can not sit in the same room without having hate towards each other, I wish my mum left my dad. But Indian people from that age group never do that...

thing is that I have a really powerful soul and that keeps me fighting through life. My partner doesn't understand that about me and if I become the women he wants, my soul will die... So, he either has to change (yeah right) or we end! But I have a soft heart so this will be really really painful.

and yeah I agree that my children will fulfill my life with love everyday. It's just that I dreamed to get old with someone and share our life's experiences... it's the hugs I'll miss.

Alpha male (partner) can not marry an Alpha female (ME)... But I tried my best to meet him half way!

just to say that I've had many difficulties in life and this is just one of them... But I have my core, my soul, my spirit and love for/from my children xxx

thank you again as you touched my heart. I hope you are well and maybe when things get better for me I can support others again.

xxx

snetha

P.S your profile feels really powerful... I like it!

Carri Pence
Jun 27, 2010
Jun 27, 2010

I am glad you have such strength and you believe in that strength. You remain confident even though there are obstacles in your life. I have complete faith that you won't die alone and will be holding a hand when you are ninety. May that be the hand of your husband, your son, your great grandchild, no one knows. But you won't be alone for you have too much love to give.

Toyin
Jun 22, 2010
Jun 22, 2010

In order for you to care for your children you need to care for yourself first! It's very easy for women to trap themselves in unhappy relationship because of the emotional blackmail which family, friends & society place on us.

I'm quite sure that deep inside you know the truth, you know what you need to do. When the time is right you'll take those steps.

I don't have any children, I have a partner I've been with for 13 years( I love him very much, but find that the confines of his family trap us in the same place), my dad was very strict and still uses religion to persuade me to make the decisions he wants. Although his influence isn't has strong as when I was livng at home, that old guilt system still works occasionally.

My point is that breaking free of whatever confines we find ourselves in is hard and will take time. When the time is right you'll fly.

Monicah Nzule
Jun 22, 2010
Jun 22, 2010

Hi Snetha,

Thanks so very much for the courage in sharing this here, many women suffer in silence and cant dare talk about it, in some communities its considered as an omen for a woman to be living on her own. My dear every time you feel down just look at your kids and see how innocent they are, they need you more than anything, you cant stay in a bad marriage just to avoid what people might say about you, remember that they will always have something to say no matter what. I know its not easy but its better to have peace of mind than to live with a partner who is hurting you either physically or emotionally, its not healthy at, long gone are the days when women lived and suffered silently. By the way am also a single mum, have been married twice, it never worked, have a son and I vowed never, ever to stay in a bad marriage, right now that boy is my life and i live for him, It was even whose in my situation, we lived like a brother and sister, can u imagine sleeping in the same bed with a man for more than a year without sex, thats how it was and I asked myself what am I doing this for, he never provided for me and the kid, he never was a good lover so we called it quits, am talking about my second relationship, the first was a nightmare. am all on myself and very strong, I thank God am able to provide for my kid.

You are not alone my dear, juz be strong and pray hard things will be just fine

have a good time and stay safe.

snetha
Jun 23, 2010
Jun 23, 2010

Your supportive words have touched me. I can hear how life with men doesn't work for many of us but as mothers (or not) we continue and when single we find ways to manage. Im sorry to hear of how difficult our communities are and how our men (dads, brothers, partners or others) are conditioned to overpower women. OR it's there idea to rescue us even when we don't need to be.

Do these men only feel powerful when women are below them?

I will somehow deal with my 'sweet' Indian network but accepting that I no longer have faith in having a life partner will be very very hard. I agree that we must look after ourselves 1st in order to care for loved ones. it's an ongoing process to make that happen... I to share my bed but with my partner but no longer share myself... 1 step closer to looking after me!

I hear that some men aren't always emotionally connected while having sex? even with a wife... ? Whereby I need to have loving feelings 2wards a man and a mental build up before we become intimat. I am exhuasted trying to explain to my partner who I am, what type of women I am and my dreams in life - then he will just continue to pick on me about the cleaning in the house - HOW SAD!

I must NOT let my soft heart take over when the process of us ending really begins...

And YES ladies. I WILL FLY... and you will fly beside me!

I wish you guys well... and I hope I can offer some support when things are better for me; Im sad to say that I have medical problems and Im even more SAD that my baby has really bad medical problems to.

So, I am super mum without my batman!

xxx