Be a mother and NOT a monster

Swanta
Posted February 15, 2017 from Nigeria

I remember the first time I took a knife to hurt myself. I was seven in the kitchen and i already was familiar with suicide. He was beating her again and she was talking back so it was loud. I wanted to stop the noice and then I got that idea; to kill myself cos maybe, just maybe my 'sacrifice' would help them see how terrible what they were doing was. Obviously I didn't go ahead with it, So I got to live most of my life growing up with this nightmare. The routine was now normal: he'd go get drunk, come home and look for the next irrelevant reason to pounce. This is a really emotional moment for me because I have never quite talked about it this way.

I was introduced to this beautiful platform by Mrs Adenike founder of Women's Initiative for Sustainable Environment(WISE). She told me I could write about how I felt and I'm sure she didn't know it was this troubling. The pressure of being in an abusive home of course took a toll on my mum who found a way to take it out on me. My mum passed away in July 2011 due to a terrible illness and one shocking thing is I cannot recall even one deep emotional conversation with her, not one. You know i always thought eventually time will heal everything and we'll get to apologise and recover, we didn't. Idon't even know how to relate with other people's mums cos I feel like I might just slip up and say something to make them hate me too.

Today I am a grown woman just recently done with university with a hugeemotional dent. Mothers in abusive homes shouldnt take it out on their children. We know it's not easy because we're also in the home. We already fear one parent, we don't have to fear both. We shouldn't have to cringe everytime you raise your hand. It's not our fault that he has chosen to be a monster and even if it is, we are so little and i'm sure it wasnt deliberate, or maybe i'm wrong.Please don't take it out on the children. Don't bring a child into this world and let the child live all their life wondering what they did wrong. Love them rather. You're a woman so you're strong. Protect your children at all cost, Be a mother and not a monster. I wish life gave me better options but then everything that has happened has brought me here, to this moment and Iam grateful. I hope i do things differently for my future babies and I hope to be a better mom so help me God.

Comments 6

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Ann Forsthoefel
Feb 15, 2017
Feb 15, 2017

Dear Swanta,

Welcome to the World Pulse Community! Your entire story resonates with so many of us in the WP community and throughout the world. Your ending statement "I wish life gave me better options but then everything that has happened has brought me here, to this moment and I am grateful." I love this and I am so glad you are here and look forward to hearing more about your life journey! 

Ann

Swanta
Feb 15, 2017
Feb 15, 2017

Thank you so much Ann, I'm so grateful to be here. To find people who actually care and are encouraging. Your words have given me strength. Thank you, thank you, Thank you!

Swanta.

Anne D.
Feb 15, 2017
Feb 15, 2017

Thank you for sharing your story, Swanta. It’s so difficult to talk about abuse and family relationships. I’m glad you found this platform where you can speak honestly about your experiences growing up. Those who grew up in a similar environment can relate and take comfort knowing they are not alone.  And thank you, especially, for giving a voice to the children. Every child should feel loved and safe in their own home. I look forward to reading more of your posts.

Swanta
Feb 17, 2017
Feb 17, 2017

Dear Ann, finding this place brought such a relief to my heart. Thank you for your words. People think the only ones who suffer are the abused mums but I am proof that the children too suffer a great deal. More posts coming soon! Thanks again.

Swanta

Aramide Oikelome
Feb 15, 2017
Feb 15, 2017

Swanta Dear!

Your story is quite touching! It represents the concerns of so many children who grew up in abusive families. But don't you worry! We all have our stories of pain. The good thing is that you can turn your trials to treasure. World Pulse is the right place to be to make that happen.

Here you connect with women from across the globe with similar experiences. You get to bond with them and together, your voices bring about change. 

So you see, you are part of the winning team!

Welcome!

Aramide

Swanta
Feb 15, 2017
Feb 15, 2017

Hello Aramide, it's so nice to be here, wonderful even. Yes I will definitely turn my pain to joy and make the world a better place. Thank you so much.