I wondered Why I felt so Ashamed of Myself?

Tracey Grabowski
Posted June 23, 2021
Four months after being shot at , and being gang raped- I began my self healing in Australia...Beyond the Suffering ,See the Beauty

Good evening sisters.

Just to let you know that you are not alone- The past no longer controls me.I confronted it and dealt with it ..I am Okay

When you experience childhood trauma, your life and your soul are altered forever. Those who suffer loss, abuse, or neglect early on in life can often suffer from serious psychological and emotional disorders for decades to come, changing who they are and destroying their ability to foster caring and nurturing relationships even decades after the traumatic event.

Childhood trauma holds us back and bricks up our potential in truly unimaginable ways. When our hearts are damaged at such critical developmental stages, it makes it easy to put up walls and harder to find the healing that we need.

Healing the harms and injuries of our childhood is one the hardest things we can do, but we must create the life we want. If you want to get over the past, you have to start by facing it — bravely and one step at a time.

The effects of unresolved trauma can be devastating. It can affect our habits and outlook on life, leading to addictions and poor decision-making. It can take a toll on our family life and interpersonal relationships. It can trigger real physical pain, symptoms, and disease. And it can lead to a range of self-destructive behaviors.

I had to forgive them, I made no excuses for their behavior.  As a child, I only feared the adults.  There were no hugs and kisses.  There were a lot of tears, beatings every day, I could forget, but the sexual violation at the tender age of five to seven, then at the age of twelve, being beaten mercilessly, sexually assaulted, and left for dead by the seaside stayed in the memory. I pushed it aside for a long time, without telling a soul about what had happened. I lost interest in my education and feared the worst of my future with these adults around me.  I continued to put on a mask. The outside world didn't see my tears or know of my pain. 

God was my only salvation.  I questioned God and numerous times tied to commit suicide, but somehow I was found, and that too got a beating of my life trying to take my own life.  It was so hard, trying to understand what was being done to me as a child.

The happy times were far and few in those days. They were adults and I was small, helpless, and didn't have the strength to fight back.  I wanted nothing more in life than to get a hug and a kiss but those were hard to come by. I have to live and let go of those dark days or allow them to torment me for the rest of my life.  Children are precious and are angels who didn't ask to be here, we created them, so we should always love and protect them. Give hugs and kisses freely.  

As children, we want our parents to love us and take care of us. When our parents don't do this, we try to become the kind of child we think they'll love. Burying feelings that might get in the way of us getting our needs met, we create a false self—the person we present to the world.

When we bury our emotions, we lose touch with who we really are, because our feelings are an integral part of us. We live our lives terrified that we'll no longer be cared for, loved, or accepted if we let the mask drop.

What we think and believe about ourselves drives our self talk The way we talk to ourselves can empower or disempower us. Negative self-talk disempowers us and makes us feel like we have no control over our lives — like victims. We may have been victimized as children, but we don't have to remain victims as adults.

Even in circumstances where we think we don't have a choice, we always have a choice, even if it's just the power to choose how we think about our life. We have little to no control over our environments and our lives when we're children, but we're not children anymore. We are likely more capable of changing our situation than we believe.

Instead of thinking of ourselves as victims, we can think of ourselves as survivors. The next time you feel trapped and choice-less, remind yourself that you're more capable and in control than you think.

When we bury our feelings, we bury who we are. Because of childhood emotional trauma, we may have learned to hide parts of ourselves. At the time, that may have helped us. But as adults, we need our feelings to tell us who we are and what we want, and to guide us toward becoming the people we want to be 

Comments 10

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megsmueller
Jun 24
Jun 24

I love this my sister...the last sentence "but as adults, we need our feelings..." I have experienced a lot in life, I can relate to the trauma. You have come this far sister! Keep on, go forth, change lives - You are a beautiful example. Thank you!

Olutosin
Jun 24
Jun 24

How I wish that every adult is responsible to their responsibilities and that everyone should know that their children are owed duties of love and care. If you are not capable, don't bring children into the world.

Every child deserves love and kindness. These are free because every child who lacks these basic needs to be nurtured and loved gtows up to become traumatic citizen in life. The cycle continues. A traumatic adult traumatised others.

Thank you for your healing journey and thank you for your decision to share with us.

Many of us are wounded spirit. May we forgive and move on. Amen.

Adriana Leigh G.
Jun 26
Jun 26

Hello sister, I love this. This resonates so deeply, as a fellow survivor from childhood. I see you, I see you and hear you rising, and your awareness, and ability to see and be in your power in the here and now is...WOW! Thank you for sharing your journey with us here. Indeed, as you say: "What we think and believe about ourselves drives our self talk The way we talk to ourselves can empower or disempower us. Negative self-talk disempowers us and makes us feel like we have no control over our lives — like victims. We may have been victimized as children, but we don't have to remain victims as adults."
These words of yours also deeply resonated:
"Even in circumstances where we think we don't have a choice, we always have a choice, even if it's just the power to choose how we think about our life. We have little to no control over our environments and our lives when we're children, but we're not children anymore. We are likely more capable of changing our situation than we believe."

Indeed we do not have to remain victims. You are a survivor. And a thriver (if this resonates for you!)

These old wounds do not control you, I see it, I feel it in your words, and they will help other childhood trauma survivors better understand how to move through their journey to the other side. Keep on sharing!

A hug to you from Montreal, Canada,
Adriana

Beth Lacey
Jun 29
Jun 29

This is very wise. Our feelings matter and we should be proud to show them.

Sarah Sim Joseph
Jun 29
Jun 29

I am so happy,encouraged and inspired that with all that you've been through,you are willing to let go. Instead of thinking of how to revenge,you are thinking of how to heal and move on completely.
I wish more victims will illuminate you. You are truly a strong WOMAN.
Remember,we are always here for each other.. Here on world pulse,you will have all the kisses and hugs you've ever wanted..
*kisses*hugs*LOVE.
Sarah

Nini Mappo
Jul 07
Jul 07

Dear Tracy,
This post is deep, analytical, vulenarble, insightful, and inviting_ inviting each of us to take a dive into our souls and pull out all the negativity that we have housed there, that was dumped there by hurt and abuse and that has no place in our precious hearts and minds.
Thank you for sharing your story to invite others to healing. Thabk you for sharing hope and strength. Thank you for being an inspiration and telling us that fear is a lier; shame is an imposter; self pity is not an option; and healing is always a choice.
Well done sister. Thank you for sharing your deep, deep story with us.
Stay sparkly :)

nounou
Jul 07
Jul 07

Hello Sister! I'm so sorry that you had to fear the presence of adults around you while you should feel protected by them. I'm so proud of you because you overcame all the trauma that you went through and that now you are a strong woman who is able to share such an emotional story of your life. I wish you good luck as you continue to inspire many people.

Adanna
Jul 09
Jul 09

Thank you for sharing your story with us, beautiful sister.

I'm happy you are in a place where you can share your life journey without being judged.

Sending you lots of love and hugs,
Adanna

Anne-Chantal
Jul 09
Jul 09

There is no need to be ashamed my dearest Tamil Girl. You are powerful, you are strong. The ability to forgive is not given to everyone. The ability to fight and rise up above all the pain, much stronger, is power. So look at yourself in the mirror and say you are wonderful, strong and powerful.
Hugs from this end of the world.

Laurita74
Jul 14
Jul 14

Thank you for sharing your story. I agree that we must confront our trauma in order to move forward and break the cycle of the pathologies we inherit. Thank you for the encouragement and may you continue moving towards a path of success and joy.