Letting Go of Blood Relatives

Tracey Grabowski
Posted July 31, 2021
Straighten Your Crown

The hardest breakup I ever had was letting go of blood relatives.  It was the last resort to have peace of mind .  We all come to a moment in life when we realize that it’s time to cut ties with someone that we once loved. But what do we do when that person is a member of our family? Sometimes, our family is just downright toxic. Whether they drain us, undermine us, or make us feel unworthy, sad, and small — keeping them around takes away from who we are, and takes a serious toll on our mental and emotional health. We love our families. We trust them. We listen to them. We keep their secrets and hold them in our hearts even when it kills us a little each and every day. We accept the baggage our family throws at us with wide-eyed innocence because we still believe in the childhood lies that blood family trumps everything. As children that might be true, but things change. Though we don’t always like to acknowledge it, the family that drains our energy, or the family that causes us to revert to fear and insecurity, is a family that is harmful to our mental and emotional wellbeing. It would be great to get an apology every time someone hurt us, but that’s not reality. The reality is that toxic people don’t apologize — because they think that they have nothing to apologize for.

I longed to escape the clutches of my family.  I finally set myself free.  I cut ties with my biological family. Letting go meant emotionally, spiritually, and physically distancing myself.   They showed me how ugly and mean they can be, by saying such hurtful, ugly words to me, I could no longer allow their behaviour to impact on my emotional state. For the first time in my life, I said NO to my family to help them financially, They all turned against me and sent me the vilest texts and messages. I was deeply saddened to receive these messages, especially since I am the only one who lives abroad and has helped them for over 20 years financially.  I found them jobs, looked after them in my house, clothed and fed them, and received those ugly texts when I finally had the courage to say NO, which was a shock to the system. So I removed them from all social media and blocked all calls from them.  This includes my mother, brothers and sisters, and unfortunately my eldest daughter too. She was brought up with them, so she sided with them and cut me off completely. 

I  am practising non-attachment, it hurt for a few days but now it's gone 5 months and am used to it, not hearing from them, not having to explain my actions to them.  I was too afraid because of my culture and society, I was suppressed for too long. and sharing my experiences over the internet has empowered me to stand up for myself, be an individual and be proud of myself.  

The family are sometimes only good in the photos. You can choose your friends but you can't choose family. They were ashamed of me for speaking out publicly about my childhood trauma, domestic violence, sexual assault and rape.  They don't realise that I will never be Silent again.  I am proud to say I have achieved a lot in my life owing no1 thanks but myself for never giving up on myself.  

I  

 

 

 

Comments 15

Log in or register to post comments
Rahmana Karuna
Jul 31
Jul 31

Dearest Tracey, wow. what a prolific writer. thank you. love your art, your writings, your stories.
thankfully, my father protected me, the baby. i don't think he was able to protect my older sister from the eldest brother. i am always so humbled by the strength, beauty, passion of wounded healers.
though i was protected from sexual abuse, my father was alcoholic and turned his back on his sensitive to spirit world abilities in order to fit into mainstream. ashamed of being taunted his teenage years for having a "witch" for a mother. He passed his alcoholic behavior onto his children, and my mother passed her "al anonic" behavior on to her children. thankfully i have attained serenity thru much self help, including the 12 steps. and lessons learned from being in 10 year relationship with adult woman sexually abused by her MD father. she also had the guilt of not having protected her younger sister.
unfortunately, her mind is still very twisted and i cut contact. i also recently cut off contact with my remaining blood relations. after the November election, i had to call her to find out if she was still supportive of Trump. she was. i told her i would see her on the other side.
i just cannot deal, yet, with folks who are so very twisted and dysfunctional and refuse to wake up a little itsy bit.
thank you for sharing your powerful stories!!!!

Laa'iqah SeedSower
Jul 31
Jul 31

Your courage is beautiful, sister. Thank you for raising your voice. It is challenging, but oh so rewarding to practice detachment. I understand the difficulty in letting go of relationships that no longer serve my higher purpose.
Thank you for not being ashamed of your pain, and instead using your journey in your art, and to change the lives of others.
Don't be silent, dear one. Your voice is your power, and the elixir that other survivors need, and cherish.
Shine on!

In solidarity <3

rebecca.tang
Aug 01
Aug 01

I can feel your sadness in your story. We can choose our friends but not family. We really hope them everyone is good and can give us support at our downtime. Sometime, the reality may not go as we wish.
Don't be disappointed! It's always a better tomorrow.
May Almighty God bless you!

Olutosin
Aug 01
Aug 01

Oh I did cut off my sibling. It is the best decision ever. He said that I am useless to him. So be it.
Sometimes, that NO is what our future needs. You will soon forget the pain and they will soon realise that you are not their ATM ...

just watch how you will move forward in all ramifications of your life.

Hugs my sister.

Anum Shakeel
Aug 02
Aug 02

Thank you for sharing your story Sister Tracey, I totally agreed with sister Laai'qah and Rahmana.

Lucy Msukwa
Aug 02
Aug 02

Hie Tracey, wow, what a strong woman you are. We always say blood is thicker than water but you made a huge decision to overcome this. I salute you. Indeed many days we pass through situations like yours. With our culture we always cling on to our family members who sometimes pull us down . I believe you are doing fine.
Best

megsmueller
Aug 02
Aug 02

Hi Tracey darling and how are you! Thank for your story. As I am reading, I am boosted with energy. Your trueness and boldness is just worth connecting to. Unfortunately, whether it's family or people we love, if they possess negativity, we have to cut ties. It is indeed draining and exhausting, as you say. Sometimes the pain is far too much to bear. My hope is that they will learn from the experience and that they will grow and become more considerate of the next person, family or not. I am glad to hear that you are feeling a bit better and that you are more refreshed. Take special care my sister. Much love to you.

Queen Sheba D Cisse
Aug 02
Aug 02

Greetings Tracey,
Thanks for the courage you have written here. Many of us have abusers and users in our own families but many are not strong enough to stand up to them , let alone write about the situation. I encourage you to stay strong and don't give up hope because some members may come back and right the wrong that was done to you as well. I can relate to your story and understand what time and space means. Sometimes we let go and definite let GOD do the rest. Prayers I do believe in and fight strength because of the therapy it provides.
#istandwithyou! Bravo for sharing and raising your voice.
Much success to you moving forth,
sincerely,
Mama Queen

Opoka Grace Daisy
Aug 03
Aug 03

Dear Tracey,
I totally relate to what you are going through my sister because when my husband divorced me even the very closest of relatives turned against me. They hurled all kinds of insults, humiliating messages, until I had to distance myself from them. They even chased my children away whenever they went for a visit. For the last three years I made a decision to live just by myself and my children. At the beginning it may seem difficult because you can sometimes think you have made a mistake but eventually it will feel alright.
Sometimes difficult decisions needs drastic measures in order for you to feel free. You have made the right decisions and at the right time all the wounds will heal.
I wish you all the best,
Sister Grace.

Liana C
Aug 03
Aug 03

Tracey - wishing you continued healing as you make your space in this world. May your chosen family members, who you have in your life, or who will come into your life, now that you have made space for them, fill you with the love, care and companionship that you need.

Susu Mohamed
Aug 04
Aug 04

Dear Tracy,
I feel for your sadness everyone has heart breaking story and I love for your power never give up sister.
Much respect.
Suu

Lilian Mukoche
Aug 06
Aug 06

Saying No is never easy especially when it comes to family!! I love that courage and am happy that finally you have ur peace of mind.
Thanks for sharing

Christy Okoli
Aug 06
Aug 06

Wow! I love your courage and strength.
It is never easy to cut ties with people you've known all your life but it is often times necessary so as to live peacefully with yourself.
Warm hugs darling.

charlenegailtaruwona

How are you my sister? I loved your story because it is very unique. We don't normally walk away from family but friends and lovers. If one has to walk away from family this is something they would have really thought hard about because it is never an easy decision but sometimes it has to be made.
I am happy that you saw what was best and you did it for your well being. This is self care. You are very courageous.

MUKABA ZAWADI
Aug 09
Aug 09

Désoler ma soeur pour cette humuliation de la famille, mais parfois on est obligé de le faire si rien ne va mais ce ne pas facile. Courage et va de l'avant