My silence...

Tanvir Kaur
Posted September 3, 2011 from India

If i am a person who doesn't argue unnecessarily and chooses to remain silent even in the most difficult arguments because i don't want to aggravate the situation, am i doing something wrong? if i believe that remaining silent can actually help me solve the problem in a much better way, is my practice erroneous ??. to control the fire, you use water right??... but then why is it that my silence is misunderstood as my weakness?? why is my effort to sustain the relation taken as my defeat?? my silence in no way implies that i am wrong or my point of view doesn't matter in a discussion. why do i have to suffer in a situation where i am not supposed to?? why do i have consider my shame, my manners and my "cultural upbringing"?? what about my self respect that gets crushed??

-The Silent Sufferer

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Vanessa Rivera de la Fuente
Sep 03, 2011
Sep 03, 2011

We can choose our battle. The only wrong decision is that we make against our convictions and feelings. Warms Regards

Tanvir Kaur
Sep 04, 2011
Sep 04, 2011

this is so true nasreen...it is like choking the inner self if we cant express what we feel..

Stella Paul
Sep 03, 2011
Sep 03, 2011

Hello Tanvir

Silence is golden, as,goes the old saying. You also have reason for remaining silent. The next logical step then, would be to shrug off the accusations and keep your faith unshaken.

Best!

Tanvir Kaur
Sep 04, 2011
Sep 04, 2011

rightly said stella...but that's what i feel torn between later - regretting that i did not speak when i had the chance and also thinking that i was correct on my part...:(

ruthibelle
Sep 03, 2011
Sep 03, 2011

Silence sometimes resonates louder and longer than words. It can be a powerful weapon.

Priyanka Borpujari
Sep 03, 2011
Sep 03, 2011

My dear Tanvir,

Firstly, warm hugs to you. I have been there one too many times. I have always been known as someone who argues a lot, and now when I try to be silent to grasp the thoughts better or because I do not want to argue just for the sake of it, it is perceived that I have been 'defeated' because I had nothing to add.

Trust me when I say this, for I say this with a lot of experience -- good, bad and ugly --

Listen to yourself. Do nothing that makes you feel comfortable. It is very important that you conserve your own energy so that when you have to make yourself heard, you do it most powerfully. There is nothing wrong in silence, there is nothing wrong in arguing. The world really has no rules. It is all up to you -- what you feel comfortable with. At the end of the day, you should be able to sleep with a smile -- for having been silent at the right moment, and for making yourself heard too when needed. Often, we talk out or stay quiet even when we know we should have done otherwise, and then we are plagued with regret. That's not a good way to end the day.

So I say, be mindful, listen to yourself when everyone else is barking. You will hear your inner girl and she is your best friend :-) Consider only yourself, and make your emotions your instrument. The idea is to be emotional and yet use our emotions intelligently. We all need anger for our lives -- but how we use our anger is important. I'm not there yet, but at least have stopped cribbing (which is a HUGE promotion for me personally) and am now focussing on constructive efforts towards getting to the root cause of the anger. All the best my friend :-)

Tanvir Kaur
Sep 04, 2011
Sep 04, 2011

thank you so much priyanka for sharing this inspiring opinion..really touching..u know before i wrote the post i never thought of addressing this issue....sometimes the matters were small and i could let them pass by without them affecting me much but when they were huge, i used to cry myself to sleep regretting not being able to speak when i should have..i hope to change this now after reading your and others' comments..doesn't matter if i am vegetarian or not, the tiger's gonna eat me anyway right..so i might as well put up a fight ...!!! :-D

one other reason for this silence is that i think a lot about my words hurting others if i speak, but when i see other people speaking harshly to me, without giving much thought about my feelings, i feel more hurt and broken....

Evan Darraji
Sep 03, 2011
Sep 03, 2011

Dear.. If you know that you not doing something wrong , and you believe in your self; why do you have to keep silent & suffer? we are living in a world of wolves.. so don't be the silent lamb

Tanvir Kaur
Sep 04, 2011
Sep 04, 2011

Hi Evan, i understand now that in today's world one who does not speak is the 'dead'...so to be considered alive, one must speak and speak well...right..

Usha K.C.
Sep 03, 2011
Sep 03, 2011

Dear Tanvir, as other sisters said ,, silent is really powerful weapon, and silent also may suffer ownself. you keep your self-trust strong. If you are not in wrong ,, and peple blame you than stop to be silent it killes you dear.

stay blessed,, raise your voice start form here WorldPulse comunity. we hear your silence.

Usha K.C.
Sep 03, 2011
Sep 03, 2011

Dear Tanvir, as other sisters said ,, silent is really powerful weapon, and silent also may suffer ownself. you keep your self-trust strong. If you are not in wrong ,, and peple blame you than stop to be silent it killes you dear.

stay blessed,, raise your voice start form here WorldPulse comunity. we hear your silence.

Tanvir Kaur
Sep 04, 2011
Sep 04, 2011

thank you usha for your reply and i hope the WP platform gives me the much desired 'mike' to voice my opinion..:)

Sybil Nmezi
Sep 04, 2011
Sep 04, 2011

An adage in my community (Igbo)says whoever keeps silent contents.an an English adage says Silence is the best answer to a fool.So it depends on where and what you are keeping silent for. But why keep silent .Why dont make some noise even in argument so that people will no that you are there.Please stop keeping silent,voice out your own view it might be useful.

Tanvir Kaur
Sep 04, 2011
Sep 04, 2011

Dear Nmezi....i do hope to make a noise, and a positive one...thank you for your encouragement..:)

Tanvir Kaur
Sep 04, 2011
Sep 04, 2011

Thank you everybody for all your opnions on this...my post was not only for me but for many other women i have seen suffer in this way...you keep silent for not hurting other people but in turn get hurt yourself..and not only in arguments with men but also with the elderly ladies in the community..u just got to respect others but your own respect is at stake..and it is uhhhhh infuriating....

Shilpa Balakrishnan
Sep 04, 2011
Sep 04, 2011

Yes......same point, in different language.........and thanks for commenting...........

Tanvir Kaur
Sep 04, 2011
Sep 04, 2011

true...:) thank u too

Evan Darraji
Sep 04, 2011
Sep 04, 2011

simply : I can't see something wrong and keep silence,I can't find myself in a situation of injustice and persecution and just keep silence!! Will not lose the right if you demanded for it

Tanvir Kaur
Sep 04, 2011
Sep 04, 2011

true Evan ...keeping silent when being treated unjustly is so wrong and i too don't support it any way...whatever is my right is mine..

Evan Darraji
Sep 04, 2011
Sep 04, 2011

exactly

Okeny-Lucia
Sep 04, 2011
Sep 04, 2011

Hello Tanvir, Silence is golden ,speech is silver.Much said and done.Silence carries alot of deep thoughts and great speech.And thats why Yoga is the in thing now.Silence helps to reconnect to reality.In silence you see your failures and strength,so that should you choose to speak it will be well put. I have practised silence when all is boiling and it has assisted me for many years to tame my anger and to avoid regrets in saying why did I have to shout or answer that. Tanvir you are a strong person,let silence take you to the next level of reflection and critical thinking of your deeds towards other people. Goodevening.

Tanvir Kaur
Sep 04, 2011
Sep 04, 2011

Lucia, i will surely try to use this silence in a positive way to chanelize my energy...thank you for your opinion and suggestion...

Iryna
Sep 05, 2011
Sep 05, 2011

Tanvir, from my experience keeping silence is the strongest weapon. When you say something someone can use it against you. But when you not say nothing you control the situation. The attempts to take you with "don't be weak" or "are you trying to escape" is just a provocation. I know these tricks, just when you begin to speak you loose control. At least for me works often in this way. Then in the situations when I know for sure I don't have enough of words to win I keep silence. Take my pause and only when I feel strong enough I begin to speak. While I am not - just enjoying my dance in silence and the reaction of others ;) Keep on dancing, Tanvir, sometimes is the best tactics :)

Tanvir Kaur
Sep 05, 2011
Sep 05, 2011

:) that's a good way to get on with Iryna...never loose in any situation....if u dnt have enough words, keep quite and win the argument...that's great...:)..thnk u fr sharing...

iqueen
Sep 05, 2011
Sep 05, 2011

Tanvir: My view is to simply BE who you are...always. Moreso--and firstly--KNOW WHO YOU ARE...always. That's where we can speak and act from with our highest confidence and courage. As has been said, "...there's a time and place for everything." There are times to be silent and there are times when we must speak out; sometimes nicely, other times......... Different situations call for different responses; sometimes, no response. Whatever the case, the challenge is to stay centered in Self, doing all we can not to hurt others and all we can not be be hurt by others. For me, staying centered in challenging situations demands detachment; not uncaring or indifferent, rather active instead of reactive (in silence even). Overall, silence is, indeed, a most powerful tool; ideally for getting into a space where all exists and from which we may draw true wisdom. To make a long story short, Tanvir: just love yourself... ALWAYS.

Tanvir Kaur
Sep 05, 2011
Sep 05, 2011

thank u for the encouragement and advice dear...i dnt need to be afraid of anything when speaking my mind...

Gertrude Bvindi
Sep 06, 2011
Sep 06, 2011

Hi As women, more often than not we are judged based on the vaious societal stereotypes. As women we are considered weak etc and ultimately when we decide to leave arguments and keep the peace, we are seen as the weak ones. One thing very peolple know, is the power of knowledge.

In this case, you know why you are not running with the argument. Choose to smile secretly at the knowledge that you are not weak as people suppose. Rather you are strong, in recognising the need to keep peace.

Gertrude

Tanvir Kaur
Sep 06, 2011
Sep 06, 2011

Awesome Gertrude....this is exactly what i tell myself to calm me down....:):):)

Gertrude Bvindi
Sep 06, 2011
Sep 06, 2011

At the same time make a mental note to keep your emotions under check so you do not burst out later.

Tanvir Kaur
Sep 06, 2011
Sep 06, 2011

right...that would spoil the effect...

Hummingbird
Sep 07, 2011
Sep 07, 2011

Yes, only you know what is best for you. Take care dear.

Tanvir Kaur
Sep 07, 2011
Sep 07, 2011

Right Nisan..thank you...u tc too..