my first sexual experience i don't even know if it assault or with consent

Posted March 18, 2020 from Lebanon

he was my neighbore, a childhood friend, i considered him as a brother, my family knows him and i know his. we used to the ride the bus together since the third grade. we used to joke around but i never knew that he took those jokes so seriously, i didn't know any better. one day it was before my senior prom we were going to rent cars and in order to do so we had to go up his house. we finally finished and he invited me in, said his family wasn't in, i didn't give it much thought since i never saw him that way and he was "dating" my ex best friend at the time. we were looking at baby pictures of him in his room. he sat too close to me on the bed so i stood up and that's when he started to make things awkward. i don't know why cared enough to try and keep joking and lighten the mood by telling that i wasn't running away from him but was tired of sitting down and he made me prove that by making me sit next to him. then he lied down and told me to give him a massage. i didn't want to but i don't know why i didn't tell him no directly, was i too scared i don't know and i guess i didn't want to find out what would happen if i told him i wanted to get out maybe he's make it my fault that i was thinking too much so i stayed but i took it as a joke. i told him if anyone needed a massage it would be me and that was what he did. he sat right behind me and he started touching my shoulders and giving me a "massage" i felt really uncomfortable but i froze. i didn't know what the proper reaction should be but i knew that wasn't what i wanted. he tried to take off my hoodie but i wouldnt let him, told him i was cold so he unzipped it until it went just under my breasts. i still had my tank top under and i had yoga pants on. he went back at the edge of the wall and he lifted me with him until i basically was sitting on the edge of his lap. i could feel his hard on, i didn't like that feeling at all but i still didn't stop him. he kept trying to feel me up, i can still feel his hands on my breasts and my ass. he kept squeezing and i eventually stop hating the feeling. he kept pressuring me. he wanted more he wanted to touch my skin he tried to shove hiss hand under my shirt and my bra but i didn't want to let him and i didn't at first until he stopped listening to me and did it. at first it felt nice but then he started hurting me because he was too rough. so he moved to my crotch over my pants until that also didn't satisfy him anymore. he tried to touch me more but he started to hurt me. he lied me down and tried to take off my pants. the most i did to stop him was not let him take off my pants off that didn't stop him. he kept trying and pulling until he was able to pull them down. he hurt me so much but i remember him telling that i will enjoy it soon since he's done it with so many girls before. i remember asking him that wasn't what we were doing wrong since he was talking to my friend and he said no because we weren't doing anything wrong. i didn't know what else to say except stop because the pain got too much but he wouldn't listen to me until i physically made him stop. remember being so sick looking at his face while he was doing everything that i just closed my eyes or didn't look at him. while all that was happening i don't know why but i kept my phone in my hand at all times and io was talking to people. i don't know if that was to remind me or him that i could anyone at anytime but that's what i did. i stopped him while trying to stand and talking to my mom and i told him she needed me and that was getting worried and when i was leaving he said something to me that i will never forget he said "you wont tell anyone this right" and i don't if i lost it at that moment or if i woke up and realized what has happened i asked him and why wouldn't i. his reply is what will forever scar me "because no one will believe you, they would only believe what i tell them but not u" and i don't know why i said this to him but i did, i said "yes of course u'd a pat on the back and a congratulations but i will get shamed and talked about" and we never said anything after that. i don't think we've had a proper conversation or talked about what happened between us and now every time a guy touches me whether for a hug or just a friendly way i feel guilt and shame as if i committed a crime. i don't know what to do with my life. i only 18 and i don't know who to talk to about this and whether i need professional help or not. I JUST NEED TO KNOW IF ALL THAT WAS MY FAULT OR NO

Comments 3

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Hannah B
Mar 19
Mar 19

Welcome to World Pulse, and thank you for sharing your difficult story with us. I am so sorry that this happened to you.
Do you have someone that you trust to talk to about this? Do you feel that you are safe now?
Sexual assault is not your fault -- even if you think you could have "done something differently" - it is not your fault. You deserve to be safe and to have someone listen when you say "no". I hope that you have someone in your life who you can talk to about this.
Please let us know how our community can support you.
Kind regards,

Anita Shrestha
Mar 20
Mar 20

Dear Sis
Thank you very much for sharing

Hello, Tonia,

Welcome to World Pulse. What a joy to know a new voice is rising up from Lebanon!

You are so brave to open up about this confusing sexual encounter of yours. I consider it a betrayal of friendship, and you have the right to grieve about it, dear. How can he claim to be a friend when there is a threat?

It is NOT your fault. Please forgive yourself. We are here to listen to you. Hugs to you, dear.