I am free from a mentally abusive relationship and i gathered the courage to leave it

Ukhengching Marma
Posted May 18, 2016 from Bangladesh

After reading a article published by (http://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2016/apr/28/i-had-the-courage-to-leave-an-abusive-relationship?CMP=share_btn_fb) the Gurdian i have realized that i went through the same type of abusive relationship for two years. I was tortured , i cried , i could not sleep well, fell into a deep level of depression and frustration. I was controlled by someone from overseas whom i never have met in life. I was controlled in social media, personal and professional life by the person whom i never have seen in my life. I was finiancially dependent somehow which gave him more power to control me . I was not allowed to post a single picture with a male friend, i was not allowed to talk in phone or chat in facebook (even not a hello), i was not allowed to visit places with friends i wanted to. I was chained not by him but by myself. I was forced to feel myself down and thought everything was my fault due to my past relationships, past deeds. I was so down to face myself. I was too much thinking about my family, friends, relatives and society. I used to think if i break the relationship what people will think? what my relatives will think? But Alas! i forgot my own self respect, my own dignity. I was being blamed for the simplest things and were hummilated, insulted and slut shamed. People thought i was in a healthy relationship, i was being gifted flowers, cakes by a person from overseas. No one could see my pain , my tears and sufferings. I was emotionally and mentally broken inside and out. My grades fell down and i lost some of my close friends for the person.

I was being lied regarding his studies, family and even about his parents. I have never experienced these things before. I was being lied so that i would feel guilty and always follow his words. I was being lied so that i could not think to leave him. He made me to realize that i was responsible for the relationship break down between his family and him. I later found out his family nothing knew about me and our relationship for 2 years. He lied to me regarding his mother's physical condition that she had gone to coma due to the family chaos that caused by our relationship. He lied that he could not submit his thesis for me and graduate . I was tortured every single day and night , i was the victim of an abusive relationship.

I finally came out from the abusive relationship 5 months back and i gathered the courage to come out. I just thought about myself, my dignity and i happiness. I did not care what others will think. People will talk anyway . I needed to prove myself in front of me and my family that i am not inferior and vulnerable. I have the strong determination and plans for future. I have lot to give to my people , to my community.

I am free now , free from all the lies, all the tears i was given. I was a victim and i struggled to overcome from mental salvation. We talk all about feminism and rights but often we forget how awful situation we have in our personal lives. I have choosen to be happy and to stand for my own rights and self dignity.

Comments 4

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Tamarack Verrall
May 18, 2016
May 18, 2016

Dear Ukheng,

We never know when a dear sister/friend is away because of being busy, being tired, being otherwise occupied. It is with profound joy that I have learned by your open letter that you have escaped to freedom from such calculated manipulative abuse. That you have had the strength to write about what you have so recently been through will no doubt help others who are struggling within some similar malicious trap. As strong, as wise, as knowledgeable as we are, our trust and willingness to love openly can land us into terrible forms of manipulation. Writing in such detail is so important, and I hope that doing so has freed you, and that you can rest assured that you are helping and will help others to recognize the same. With all of the bullying and manipulation taking place on line, your story helps us all become just that much more aware of how easily, how sneakily it can happen. Soar on, dear sister, to Copenhagen and beyond. You have awakened my fury at an ever deeper level that anyone would have the nerve to try to control you, precious freedom fighter that you are. I celebrate your rising out of it, and thank you for the beautifully and powerfully written story of your re-emergence to your true path.

Much love,

Tam

helen.ng
May 19, 2016
May 19, 2016

Hello Ukheng,

Thank you for sharing your experiences with the community. They were truly heart-wrenching to read. It was horrible to learn how you had such limited freedom. You are so strong to leave your past behind. You deserve so much happiness in your life. You are a true inspiration and role model for individuals all around the world, including myself. I wish the best on your journey. God bless you.

With love,

Helen Ng

sycamore_may
May 20, 2016
May 20, 2016

Dear Ukheng, 

You are a very strong and inspiring woman and I understand the guilt you felt then and how difficult it was to break things off. I sense that you are a sensitive person because you were willing to love so openly and truly cared about this person who was abusing you. I have been in a similar situation and like you, I believe its important not only to care about feminism and women's rights but also about our own personal well being. I think one really wonderful quote by the author of the guardian article is  "any man worth my time is already a feminist; he may not think of it that way, but he is." Any partner willing to give you your own room to grow, but will still hold you close is someone worth having in your life. I hope you find that person, but also know that loving yourself is the most important thing in the world. Have you read Chimamanda Ngoze Adiche's "We Should All Be Feminists"? It is a short book in which the author describes how men have put down women throughout history and how being a feminist just means accepting everyone - man or woman - without bias and giving women the same rights men have (equal pay, job opportunities, etc.) I think you would really enjoy it!

Thank you for sharing your story. I am inspired by your courage and self-dignity. 

Sincerely, 

Theodora
Jun 14, 2016
Jun 14, 2016

Thank you for sharing your experience which shows us how internet bullying is so dangerous and how it almost destroyed your life.Thank God that you managed to realise yourself and escape the manipulation..This experience will make you stronger and even other women out there who are in the same situation will be able to escape the abuse.God bless you. Theodora