Endless queries

Melissa Shrestha
Posted November 11, 2019 from Nepal

Continuation to my previous post regarding adulthood, I am writing this post to vent out some strong emotions I have been feeling for months. I am a simple girl from a traditional family, a family which is supportive about my education and career. But today my question relies on, will they be supportive about my sexuality? All my life, I have never asked this question to myself because I had never thought that my sexuality would be a cause of present stress. Today, I am going to share something personal and dear to me. I have been in girl schools and women's university for twelve years of my life. My mother sent me to St. Mary's Higher Secondary School thinking I would grow up as a disciplined and sincere Marian girl. I chose Asian University for Women because of the full scholarship opportunity. I never knew that being a part of this non co-ed curriculum would make me go through so many queries and stress in my head today. I should not blame the surrounding or curriculum, but has this made it more obvious for me to like girls?

I have dated boys during my high school, but in my bachelors, I dated a tomboy girl. We dated for 4 years and we are still dating. But time to time, our relation is facing certain fights and misunderstandings because of the fear of family abandonment and long distance conflicts. She is Muslim and I am Hindu. She is Bangladeshi and I am Nepali. Not only, our culture differs but our caste and nationality differs, but our gender is same. Does this similarity and differences matter so much to decide who we love and why we love? Is it just a phase, where we both are exploring if this is love or not. Like a normal heterosexual relation, why can't we live with peace and love. Why do we have to constantly think about our future and fear of family abandonment. Its been almost a year, but this stress is not going away and I am scared this stress in future might affect my emotional and mental health. Shall I just remain calm and enjoy the beauty of relationship and love with her or do I have to constantly remind myself to define this relation?

 

 

Comments 8

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Tamarack Verrall
Nov 11
Nov 11

Melissa my dear sister,
It is true that you have shared something personal and dear to you, and I celebrate that you have had the courage and trust in yourself, and in our World Pulse community, to do so. Discovering your love for another woman can be so confusing because we are not told that this exists. or we are told that it is wrong. In fact now that we have become more able to be open in some countries, it is estimated that about one in ten chooses to be closest to another of the same sex, so there are very many of us! I remember being confused, surprised and worried about the responses from family and friends, too. I too, dated boys in nice relationships, but felt my life calling me on a different path. No one knows the whole of what we will want of our lives, but it is true that many women are devoted to each other in loving relationships, and do not want to live a heterosexual life. Whether in girls' schools or mixed, we find ourselves, and sometimes for many reasons with a struggle to follow our hearts. You and your sweetheart face so many extra challenges as you have described some big differences of origin, nationality, religion, all which add to the pressures you are under. Love is precious and I wish you both the strength to stand up to pressures and oppositions you may face. Trust in your heart, and be exactly who you want to be every minute of your precious life. And thank you for having the trust in yourself and all of us, for writing so openly. You may well be making it easier for another who comes across your story.

Anita Shrestha
Nov 12
Nov 12

Dear Sis
Love is greater than others. Therefore, don't be seperate, be love to each other and search same community like you. There are many group for advocay about it.
Best of luck

Beth Lacey
Nov 12
Nov 12

I agree with Tam- trust in your heart.

lizzymark
Nov 12
Nov 12

Thanks for shearing dear I hope you find the direction you need.

Jill Langhus
Nov 13
Nov 13

Hello Melissa,

Thanks for sharing your very vulnerable story with us. I hope you follow your heart and not worry about what others think. You are fortunate to have found love and hope that you celebrate it. Tam has given some lovely advice for you, too:-) I'm happy to see she was responded to your post. Let us know how else we can help, and let us know how everything goes, too.

Usha K.C.
Nov 15
Nov 15

Dear Melissa,
I salute you for your courage to share it with us. I can feel your melting heart due to our socio-cultural value about sexuality. It's deeply rooted thoughts in our society that only hetero sexuality should be existed in this universe. So it's not easy to overcome this barrier. As sister Tam suggested that just believe your heart everything would be fine.

keep writing and keep sharing

Evelyn Chioma Joseph

Dearest, I applaud your courage to share this inner stories with your sister here on World Pulse. Keep been amazing. Love is all that matters.

Jane
Nov 20
Nov 20

Always remember that love conquers all, as long as you bear love in your heart, it will lead you into doing right by others and yourself.