Mother of an adopted child

Urmila Chanam
Posted February 3, 2021 from India

A young woman has been helping me at home since the last four years. A toddler of three years used to accompany her sometimes. "My son", she had introduced. After few months, he stopped coming and she told, she was facing some problem with her elder sister who was the biological mother of the child as a result of which her sister had taken "her son" back, was not allowing her to meet him and bringing him back was out of question. The trauma the woman experienced over the next few months was compounded by the phone calls she would receive from the elder sister who made her listen to the boy crying for her but not with an intention to unite them.

The cause of friction between the two women was loss of Rs.5000 (equivalent to 70 USD) from the house along with a piece of silver jewellery that my house help believed her sister's husband had taken. The couple had been residing in her house for few days because it was near the government hospital where they were getting some treatment done for the elder sister. In exchange for the baby, her elder sister, brother-in-law, their father and other siblings expected complete surrender and subjugation from her so the confrontation did not go down well with them.  In the opinion of her family, her sister had the right to take away her son because she was the real mother.

I was so frantic to help her and enquired about the adoption documents so I could help her challenge that legally. "In our village communities we do not get papers made as the fees is unaffordable so I just paid Rs. 5000 to my sister at the time of adoption. My sister already had three children and did not want more." Legally, the child was not her son and nothing could be done to pursue that possibility. The young woman after living horror spread over one year or more, decided at the end to give up trying to get her son back and start afresh. I was impressed and touched by her resilience and maturity.

Amidst all of this, the husband has been of little consequence either in raising the son, supporting in household expenses and chores, and instead has been a source of stress and desperation from his demands for better tasting food, repair of television, money for drinking and going to cinema. His mother who lives nearby but in a different house with his brothers and their wives, also renders no support in child care or any other help.

One morning, much before the usual time she usually comes, she was at my door with a new born infant in her arms and grinning at me she introduced, " My son". This time she had adopted following all legal procedures and had made it clear she did not want the biological parents to be involved in the child's life. "No one can take my son away, again."

She was relieved her family members were not involved this time around and it was less complicated dealing with people not related to her because terms and conditions could be said and agreed upon.

I have been extremely cautious to not mention her first son to her, but one day she blurted out on her own." My first son visits me sometimes; my elder sister brings him over and he still calls me amma. Even though my heart aches at the sight of him, I am a mother and I cannot push him away no matter what happened between us sisters. The relationship between a mother and her child is beyond documents."

The young woman took a sabbatical for nearly one year and has re-joined work last week. Now her second son accompanies her daily. As he litters, scrapes my furniture, runs havoc over the contents of my daughter's dressing table, wails and throws tantrums, we are reminded yet again of how it is to have babies and raise them. For a mother with her biological or adopted children, the effort she puts in and her emotional investment are unchanged.

Comments 7

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jomarieb.earth
Feb 03
Feb 03

Urmila,
This story is moving. It has twists and turns. Forgive me, but it would be great on Netflix. There are hidden gems like these. This story is a gem. In the end, what I see is the plight of a woman that couldn't give up on being able to be a mother. But bringing him into a home for work, he should have the utmost parental training. But you have tolerance. The outcome is beautiful and profound. But you, as an employer should not suffer in the process and overlook the havoc you must endure. You are really allowed to want better for yourself and your family. I encourage you to look out for your bigger picture. You are generous, but at what cost?
Hugs...JoMarie

Urmila Chanam
Feb 07
Feb 07

Dearest JoMarie,
Nowadays a lot of films are being made in India on real stories and real people because the audience is gradually becoming socially responsible and what better way than to learn from real lives, lived. So yes, maybe someday someone will make a film on the story of a mother who adopted children and earned many scars along the way. Maybe there already are films on those. The hassle of having a toddler at home who is not even your own kid or family member can be quite a nuisance but this woman is special, she has helped me so much and other opportunities of employment have disaappeared for her. Thanks for your concern, sister.
Much love,
Urmila Chanam

Beth Lacey
Feb 05
Feb 05

Another thought-provoking, inciteful, and brilliant story from my sister

Urmila Chanam
Feb 07
Feb 07

Dearest sister Beth,
When you come to India hopefully you will meet her :)
Women need not only jobs but equity in policy (support of child care) to be equal participants in the labour force and economy. Thanks for reading sister.
Much love always,
Urmila Chanam

Nini Mappo
Feb 05
Feb 05

Oh Urmila,
It is so heartbreaking, selfish, and irresponsible when adult dramas affect innocent children in need of nurture, care, and obviously protection from harmful adults dramas. Because as your story displays, motherhood is so much more than birthing a child! I am glad that you helped the young woman become a mother legally, which protected both her and her child. This is such a beautiful outcome, joy of motherhood unthreatened and uninterrupted!

Urmila Chanam
Feb 07
Feb 07

Dearest Nini,
I remember when my daughter was 2 years old I had a male boss who was so encouraging, understanding and supportive. Seeing how there was lack of support for childcare, he introduced me to his sister who ran a creche which was close to office. I had my parents and family in another city about 1500 kms away so they could not help me. The creche and support of people known to me who I trusted helped me to work without hindrance. Motherhood in itself is such a challenge, add women's professional challenges to it then we have double rather triple burden if we add domestic chores and responsibilities. Its so important to have policies, programs of support for women to thrive. I am helping this young woman because I understand her problems and barriers, every educated and empowered women should extend support to women who need it. Thanks a lot for your kind words, sister.
Love and prayers,
Urmila Chanam

Hello, sister Urmila,

I got teary-eyed with this story, and this one is a powerful line, "The relationship between a mother and her child is beyond documents." Advertisement agencies can use this as a powerful tagline and it will sell because it speaks straight to the heart. I applaud you for listening to this woman's story, for giving her a sabbatical, for welcoming her back to your home, and for allowing her second son to accompany her. You are a great woman and you empower women who are around you and with you. Thank you for lifting up this story to us, the love of a mother to her two sons.