AVOIDANCE OF ANYTHING MEANS IT’S GOTCHA !
We woman are coming so far in our growth and inner power. Although I am older, I remember when I was a scared young woman, wife, mother, aspiring professional. I had all the old stereotypical feelings and behaviors of a subordinate woman. Step by step as I grew, began hanging around with people who valued me unconditionally and saw other healthy men and woman, I wanted to become my highest self. But how to do it? Little by little I would find a specific technique that would help me change some trait I had but didn’t want anymore. Oh, it was tough, scary and DARING to try. I only worked on one specific technique at a time until I had a handle on the change and was proud of my accomplishment.
For example, dealing with conflict and confrontation appropriately and immediately is a great stress reducer. But so often we are taught not to make waves, not to upset the apple cart, just be polite. But I noticed women, and men, who were appropriately in charge of their lives knew when to be sweet and when to be firm. Firm doesn’t mean you have to be angry or pick a fight. A high self esteem woman is simply stating how she feels about what she sees or feels. As we women all continue on our well-earned climb to greatness, here is a technique that helped increase my inner power. I want to share it with you.
Do you dislike confrontation and conflict? Confronting doesn’t have to be a big blow-up. It simply means bringing to the front something that needs to be addressed. Fair, firm and friendly is a good rule of thumb. You don’t have to be mean when saying it. We women have been taught for so long to be subservient, that we don’t even know when we are being manipulated to behave a certain way. And if we started to speak up the other person would look angry or upset as a way of controlling us to return to our subservient self.
Why do most people avoid conflict? Answer: They are afraid of the other persons reaction. If they blow up or yell at what you said, you take it personally. “I shouldn’t have said that”, “It was the wrong time”, “I said it wrong” “he doesn’t like me now”, etc. No, no, no. WRONG! Pay attention to the next few words. WHATEVER THEIR REACTION IS TO YOUR STATEMENT IS HIS/HER GARBAGE. It has nothing to do with you. You did nothing wrong. Set yourself up before confronting someone that if they react negatively to your message you will say to yourself “THEIR REACTION IS THEIR GARBAGE. IT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH ME. I DID(OR SAID) NOTHING WRONG. I WILL NOT TAKE IT PERSONALLY. I used to practice this alone often before confronting my husband about something I thought he would get angry at.
It was helpful when I was told that if the other person got angry when I was appropriately assertive, that it was a sign I was doing the right thing and they were just trying to control me back to the way I was. Sure was scary at first though. Like saying “I don’t like it when you are always late”. That is good to say. If the other person gets angry that is their reaction, has nothing to do with you, and they are trying to get you to apologize and go back to your spineless, insignificant being. Congratulate yourself on speaking up instead of stewing in private.Like saying “I need help with this. Will you give me a hand.” If they get angry or make an excuse it has nothing to do with you. You did right by asking for your needs to be met even if they won’t do it. Pat yourself on the back.
After taking the risk and speaking up, you can do what I would do. Run in the bathroom, look in the mirror and say “Way to go girl. Congratulations.” If the other person freezes you out so what. They have to learn the way to respond to the new “appropriate” you. And they will. If they don’t, it is a good sign to move on or that someone or some place is not right for you. Not the right energy. Not the same values. It helped me also to learn that anger is a secondary emotion. There is always one of two emotions under it that are primary. They are hurt or fear. For men often it is a fear of losing control. It took me a long time to change and become my highest self. The technique discussed in this article was actually one of the quicker ones. It was a matter of making the decision and setting myself up internally. Now that I review this article and that part of my life I realize I spent a lot of time in the bathroom in those days. Haha. Hope this helps someone on World Pulse. I am happy to take questions if someone is confused or would like clarification.