INNER POWER POINT: AVOIDANCE OF ANYTHING MEANS IT'S GOTCHA

Wendy Stebbins
Posted May 29, 2019 from United States

POWER POINTS

AVOIDANCE OF ANYTHING MEANS IT’S GOTCHA !

We woman are coming so far in our growth and inner power. Although I am older, I remember when I was a scared young woman, wife, mother, aspiring professional. I had all the old stereotypical feelings and behaviors of a subordinate woman. Step by step as I grew, began hanging around with people who valued me unconditionally and saw other healthy men and woman, I wanted to become my highest self. But how to do it? Little by little I would find a specific technique that would help me change some trait I had but didn’t want anymore. Oh, it was tough, scary and DARING to try. I only worked on one specific technique at a time until I had a handle on the change and was proud of my accomplishment.

 

For example, dealing with conflict and confrontation appropriately and immediately is a great stress reducer. But so often we are taught not to make waves, not to upset the apple cart, just be polite. But I noticed women, and men, who were appropriately in charge of their lives knew when to be sweet and when to be firm. Firm doesn’t mean you have to be angry or pick a fight. A high self esteem woman is simply stating how she feels about what she sees or feels. As we women all continue on our well-earned climb to greatness, here is a technique that helped increase my inner power. I want to share it with you.

 

Do you dislike confrontation and conflict? Confronting doesn’t have to be a big blow-up. It simply means bringing to the front something that needs to be addressed.  Fair, firm and friendly is a good rule of thumb. You don’t have to be mean when saying it. We women have been taught for so long to be subservient, that we don’t even know when we are being manipulated to behave a certain way. And if we started to speak up the other person would look angry or upset as a way of controlling us to return to our subservient self.

Why do most people avoid conflict? Answer: They are afraid of the other persons reaction. If they blow up or yell at what you said, you take it personally. “I shouldn’t have said that”, “It was the wrong time”, “I said it wrong” “he doesn’t like me now”, etc. No, no, no. WRONG! Pay attention to the next few words. WHATEVER THEIR REACTION IS TO YOUR STATEMENT IS HIS/HER GARBAGE. It has nothing to do with you. You did nothing wrong. Set yourself up before confronting someone that if they react negatively to your message you will say to yourself “THEIR REACTION IS THEIR GARBAGE. IT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH ME. I DID(OR SAID) NOTHING WRONG. I WILL NOT TAKE IT PERSONALLY. I used to practice this alone often before confronting my husband about something I thought he would get angry at.

 

It was helpful when I was told that if the other person got angry when I was appropriately assertive, that it was a sign I was doing the right thing and they were just trying to control me back to the way I was. Sure was scary at first though. Like saying “I don’t like it when you are always late”. That is good to say. If the other person gets angry that is their reaction, has nothing to do with you, and they are trying to get you to apologize and go back to your spineless, insignificant being. Congratulate yourself on speaking up instead of stewing in private.Like saying “I need help with this. Will you give me a hand.” If they get angry or make an excuse it has nothing to do with you. You did right by asking for your needs to be met even if they won’t do it. Pat yourself on the back.

After taking the risk and speaking up, you can do what I would do. Run in the bathroom, look in the mirror and say “Way to go girl. Congratulations.” If the other person freezes you out so what. They have to learn the way to respond to the new “appropriate” you. And they will. If they don’t, it is a good sign to move on or that someone or some place is not right for you. Not the right energy. Not the same values.  It helped me also to learn that anger is a secondary emotion. There is always one of two emotions under it that are primary. They are hurt or fear. For men often it is a fear of losing control. It took me a long time to change and become my highest self. The technique discussed in this article was actually one of the quicker ones. It was a matter of making the decision and setting myself up internally. Now that I review this article and that part of my life I realize I spent a lot of time in the bathroom in those days. Haha. Hope this helps someone on World Pulse. I am happy to take questions if someone is confused or would like clarification.

 

 

Comments 22

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Lisbeth
May 29
May 29

I got real inner peace while reading your post. I think I need confirmation sometimes, tell myself nothing is wrong with me or what I said. But its them, their controlling attitude.
Thanks for making my day.
Its a very serene post about ones self. Hope you are doing very well?

Wendy Stebbins
May 29
May 29

Lisbeth. You took the words out of my mouth. "Thank you for making my day". Your response meant a lot to me. We cant let people hold us back from being our highest self. So we have to encourage and support each orher.

Perhaps my article on empowerment would help along these lines also.

I am doing well thanks for asking. I hope you are doing well also.

Lisbeth
May 29
May 29

Lovely to hear :-)! I am doing very great especially with this my current story award from world pulse.

Pls have you read it or not yet? Here is the link, am waiting to hear what you think ?

https://www.worldpulse.com/story-awards

Hope to hear from you.
Regards
Lizzy

Wendy Stebbins
May 30
May 30

I am going to read your story now. Thanks will let you lnow

Wendy Stebbins
May 30
May 30

I wrote but think o got confused. Thought your article was cervical cancer so answered in that way
Now it looks like its about pads
Please clarify for me. Think I wrote to the wrong person.

Wendy Stebbins
May 30
May 30

You might enjoy my article on empowerment or the one on invalidation..

Lisbeth
May 30
May 30

Hi Stebbins,
Its my article, it was menstrual hygiene day post. The girl child menses and related issues. Yes that is it.
Thanks for reading.

Wendy Stebbins
May 30
May 30

Lizbeth I sent you a long tesponse
Did you get it just now, Thursday, May 30.?

Hello, Wendy,

I'm so glad you're back! This post resonates with me because I was in that situation of confronting my brother who now lives with us, and he took it negatively. It's like you have a CCTV in our house by the way you describe how a woman is like when he puts the blame back on me. We are ok now. He changed his behavior. Your post is an affirmation that I did well. It's true that we need to confront rather than silently holding the negative feelings inside. That was me all of my 30+ years on earth, so I see the beauty of speaking up and be assertive.

With my husband, I am pretty assertive with him. Haha. I confront him right away, and we settle the issue right away. But unfortunately, Filipinos are non-confrontational. We avoid conflicts, and instead it leads to a passive-aggressive back-biting gossips that destroys the relationship. It's the culture. I hope this will change.

Thank you again!

Wendy Stebbins
May 29
May 29

What you say, Karen, is so true especially regarding passive aggressiveness. That is a good idea for an article topic.so glad you and your hubby have the dance right. Haha. that is most important.

It does seem as if brothers are put in our lives to teach us certain lessons, doesn't it? Mine too.haha.
Thanks forgetting me going again and for writing just now.
.have a great night

Wendy

Yay! Another topic for writing for you. Go, go, go! I love the topics you share. It makes me reflect and evaluate myself. I believe this will benefit a lot of our World Pulse sisters, too. :)

Just keep writing. Just want to tell you that you already hold a place in my heart because of your article about invalidation. It was an eye-opener to me, that I searched more about that topic of abuse. So you contribute to my conflict-resolution with my husband because I told him about that.haha. My point is there is so much value on what you write here, and while you were doing your service in Zambia, you had no idea you already helped fixed a marriage argument. :)

Again, please keep writing coz you don't know who you are inspiring. Not many would speak up and tell you. :) So today I'm letting you know I'm one of them.

Good night! It's noon here. :D

Wendy Stebbins
May 30
May 30

Thanks, Karin. I love your openness and authenticity. Again thanks for inspiring. Me. You always have something meaningful to say . Have a great day.

Oh wow. Thanks for appreciating me, too, Wendy. I still get surprised when someone points out positive things in me. Haha.

Wendy Stebbins
May 30
May 30

Karen, reread your response to me and thanks for explaining many will be inspired but few will let me know
I needed that.haha.
Happy afternoon.

I read somewhere that women are like sponges, she needs to be filled with compliments. After being squeezed, we have to start over again. In short, we need to tell and remind each woman how great she is on what she does because she easily forgets. Haha.

Jill Langhus
May 30
May 30

Hi Wendy,

Thanks for sharing this technique. That's a good idea to prepare myself before confrontation. I seriously hate confrontation and quite often, although not as often as it used to be for sure, I would put it off, and then I would be really annoyed because I had let the situation snowball just because I was worried about how that person would respond or perceive me. My goal has always been to be assertive rather than passive/aggressive which is what I was taught. It's definitely been a process, and it will probably take awhile longer, but I know I will get there.

Hope you're doing well, and having a great day!?

Wendy Stebbins
May 30
May 30

Hi Jill,
As always, thank you. You always have such a way of us all see us in your situation so it seems more okay.thanks a lot.have a great day.

Jill Langhus
May 31
May 31

Hi Wendy,

You're welcome:-) Ha! Well, I do like to be relatable and relevant.

Happy Friday to you, too!

Wendy Stebbins
May 31
May 31

Jill, like you, I didn't like confrontation either, practically has an inner anxiety attack. Haha. UNTIL I adopted the two teeth:
.1. I am just being something to the front.
2. whatever their reaction. It has noth to do with me, it I
Is THEIR garbage and has nothing to do with me.

T
Don't argue, back, don't justify. At most, say "oh" and go to the bathroom. Historically people leave you alone in there.

Jill Langhus
May 31
May 31

What do you mean by "I am just being something to the front?" Please clarify.

I hear you on the second one, but for some reason it's really hard for me to accept it and not take it personally. It's a work in progress. So, is the not arguing back and/or justifying. I suppose that's the good thing about email or social media. I have time to think about what I'm writing and responding with. That part makes it easier, because I always think about how I'm going to respond and if I'm still annoyed, I do something else for awhile and then come back so I'm not unpleasant.

Thanks again for the pointers.

Wendy Stebbins
Jun 04
Jun 04

Hi Jill,

TWICE today I wrote you VERY long email/messages. And both times they erased just before I hit send. Will try again tomorrow.

In the meantime, the best book that helped me like a bible for about 2 years, to get good self-esteem was YOUR ERRONEOUS ZONES by Wayne Dyer. It is old but each chapter is a tip and then the end of each chapter are specific little techniques to correct it. I highly recommend it. Not his other books.

Jill Langhus
Jun 05
Jun 05

Hi Wendy,

Oh, that stinks:-( Thanks for the information/recommendation. I've added it to my Amazon list. I like Wayne Dyer and I've read a couple of his books in the past, actually. Good to know.

Hope you're doing well, and having a good day!