Meeting Myself in the Middle of an Endless Conflict

5:00 PM. May 11. I was standing inside the Tower of David, Old City, Jerusalem, moments away from receiving the prestigious Bonei Zion award for my contributions to the state of Israel. I had learned about my nomination back in April 2020, and it took over a year to gather in ceremony and celebration. I was being honored alongside six other esteemed Olim [ people who emigrate to Israel ] who have dedicated their lives to bettering their chosen fields: science, wellbeing, sports, culture, and diplomacy. And then there was me, half their age, awarded for Young Leadership, a beyond honorable recognition for the work I’ve done with School of Shine and my mission to empower every woman to feel safe, free, and home in their minds, bodies, and voices.

On the one hand, I was glowing with pride, sitting alongside ambassadors, mayors, philanthropists, true changemakers - YET… only hours before, the Old City ran rampant with violence, protests, danger, a people’s unending war.

So what was the dissonance I felt in my veins? Shame.

I understood. I am trying my hardest to bring light to a country that defaults to war. Of course, at first, built for protection, defense. Today, sustained to maintain identity-based injustice, to control and cover up corruption, keep the conflict, save the “king.”

I sat in my chair, bursting with pride...and there was also shame peppering my veins. Of course, we need Israel. It is a privilege to live here. Only a couple generations ago, a Jewish state was just a distant dream - and doesn’t every people deserve a safe place to call home? To rest their heads and grow their children? To fully flourish?

5:00 AM. May 12. I was sleeping at home, currently a white wooden cabin in a moshav between Tel Aviv and Jerusalem, when I woke to the alarm of a siren. The siren screams to its citizens that a rogue rocket is en route. There was nothing for me to do besides wait until I heard the distant boom, grateful to be alive, hoping that it didn’t mean that someone else died.

I swiped my phone open and met dozens of messages that had filtered in through the night. ‘Are you okay?’ Tel Aviv, Jerusalem, and the south had been up all night. And then I started scrolling, and I didn't know what was scarier. The misconstrued information rampant through mass media channels and their narrow narrative, fueling division and binary politics, witnessing the skyrocketing of antisemitism on my screen - or the actual rockets raining across the sky?

The normalcy of this lunacy is exhausting.

Are you okay? Well, my body is fine, if you don’t count the tendrils of trauma stuffed into my skin, saving it for later; and who knows what’s rippling into the worlds of small children and numbed out adults, spending sleepless nights in stairwells and bomb shelters. My mind is okay, except for those rolling, scrolling, trolling thoughts dashing between WTF and WHY, rage and gratitude, fear and faith, pride and shame.

And my heart. My heart hurts, because people are dying, and “leaders” are lying, and I know that both Israeli and Palestinian leadership are to blame. Both heads holding on for their dear life, willing to sacrifice others for power and profit, making political pawns of their people, dedicating their resources to saving their ego instead of saving our neighbors, our children, our lives.

And all the people suffer. Some more, some less. Running round in senseless rage, hurting one another, blaming each other, and why? Because the 'daddies' are driving us in the wrong direction, and refuse to man up and ask for help.

Are you okay? Well. On a macro-level it seems like our leadership and media keep failing us, YET on a micro-level, I can't help but keep the faith, certain that people are good. I’m certain because I’ve met them, seen them, been witness to how they build others up, one by one. Not all the people. Not all the time. But in moments of war, it is the people who also bring moments of peace. *Every individual has the power to create a better world for somebody.* Every one of us has the capacity to build, or to break. To create, or destroy. To fear, or to trust.

Every one of us has the power to be a ray of light, to create a ripple of impact. How will you proceed? Are you taking us forward, or holding us back? Are you fueling the hatred, or joining in towards building a culture of compassion?

Are you able to step away from the black and white narratives and acknowledge the shades of grey that rest in a century-old-tale? In the past 24 hours, I’ve explored where my pride meets my shame, where my fear meets my faith, and where I meet myself in the middle. Are you able to meet yourself in the middle too?

I’m tired. Yet, I'm still here, hoping, praying, choosing to show up, build, grow, believe in the good, ask hard questions, listen to the answers, expand my perspectives, and progress towards the middle. Who’s with me?

The chaos will come in many shapes and forms. What holds us together is how we choose to circle back to faith.