Your wish, to rise above the men that keep women in inferior position.  To rise above means to have mercy for men—as well as women. I had gotten some grips on thinking through how the society put women as inferior beings. And it was learnt by going through terrifying domestic violence in Africa where I could have been buried alive, but I was lucky enough to escape. There were varieties of reasons why women are positioned less than who they are. Society pressure men to be superior, earn more than women, succeed and provide--but when society provides no access to these provisions, it is a threat to men as their manhood is questioned. Nigeria was such a society and I have seen many women as well as men were tormented mentally and physically. The quickest way is to blame the weak and defenseless as solutions for many--objectifying, interiorizing or commodifying and sexualizing women, you name it. So my focus is now how we address those issues. And that is what I do with the NGO, SWACIN Inc., I founded. I encourage you to continue addressing where you can to minimize tragedies. My experience for doing it is that I came to witness "seek and you find answer," which now is my happiest discovery moments in my life.  It is a precious gift I value more than what money does to me.

Men may insult you, debase you, scorn you, beat you, undermine you, and control you.  More important thing as women to know is that there are always reasons behind the despiteful acts of men.  You should notice that men are always under the pressure to make decisions in uncertain situations.  They are not encouraged to share their problems and ask for help while women are freely sharing with others and asking for help. 

The following is 10 reasons why some men are evil to women. Please see if these correspond to your understanding of men’s predicament.--and if you like, please share your thougts with me!

1.Men’s value is fixed by their possessions, ranks and power world wide.

2. Men are not encouraged to cry.

3. Men are entangled by the sex drive, women’s demand, and social pressure.

4. Men are not supposed to share their fear, worry and feelings.

5. Men are pressured to prove themselves or they are considered inert.

6. Men are encouraged to attain living by whatever means they take—even by committing crime.

7. Men are taught to be stronger and more intelligent than women so when they meet women who are superior to their position it is threatening to them.

8. For men, sharing their problems with women would be identified as weakness.

9. Men are encouraged to present solutions to women, not consulting with women.

10. Men struggle in-between their need for women who in turn demands security and money.

Now, do you feel sorry for men?  If you do, you are more mature than before.  It took me two third of my life to come to understand this.  And one more tip.  Do not see them as men any more, see them as persons.  This will help you to be at peace with them.

Take action! This post was submitted in response to Voices Against Gender-Based Violence.

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Comments

I like the last part the most.  Do not see them as menbut as persons. That has helped me to think twice about how I perceive very many men around me. I dont seem to have an exact instant answer, but I will take time to think of this statement. It carries alot of weight.  If I see them as persons, I will not entertain any mediocre behavior from them.

The struggle continues!

Thinking that they are persons mean to realize the possibility that you may do the same if you are men thrown in the same shoes.  We don’t know.  We may or may not but important matter is that we cannot put the group of people in a box and label them saying that they act and think the same way.  Individuals vary from person to person.  Recently, I had occasion to talk to a woman who were battered by her husband for years.  We found out that she speaks abusively when she is upset with a full of slanders and hyperbole, it was so unbearable to listen to her.  So to me it’s easy to imagine, she has done that too to her husband for years.  Hideko

 

 

Yes, yes, yes! I love this. I have also only recently come to these same kinds of conclusions, and have developed so much sympathy for men over the last few years. "They are not encouraged to share their problems and ask for help while women are freely sharing with others and asking for help." "Men are not encouraged to cry." "Men are taught to be stronger and more intelligent than women." "Men struggle in-between their need for women who in turn demands security and money."

Your last point, which sounds almost absurd to someone who has not come to these realizations like we have (or maybe were never as fooled by gender roles as we were) resonates most strongly with me: "Do not see them as men any more, see them as persons." In other words, persons who struggle with expectations placed on them because of their gender, just like women do. This has changed my life! And it doesn't have to be a contest of "which gender struggles the most with society's expectations"--just an acknowledgement that both women and men struggle.

Thank you for sharing! Sending hugs to Nigeria for you...

- Liz

OMG!  How wonderful that we have the common ground of understanding about men, Liz.  After all, people (men and women) aren't so different around the world. Yes, it is really tough for many women to think of men as persons.  But I think it becomes easier once we give up wanting to depend on men. Do you agree?  By the way, I saw your Men’s Nonviolence Project on your site.  It is total coincidence, but I went to Texas, U.S.A. last month, to discuss family violence project of our non-profit, so the name, the Texas Council of Family Violence really caught my curiocity.    The world may be smaller than we think...after all.  Thank you for sharing your thoughts.  Hideko

What a coincidence that you were in Texas! I acutally just found that manual through a Google search (I am in Oregon) but clearly Texas is on the ball with their gender activities :)

I wanted to share a trailer for a documentary that I think you would be interested in, it's about masculinity. I haven't seen the documentary (it's not available for streaming yet), but even just the trailer is really profound--I've watched it so many times! You can watch it here: http://therepresentationproject.org/film/the-mask-you-live-in/

Love it!  It is direct to the point.  Liz, you are very resourceful. I shared the link to some of my board of directors.  In Texas, we were conferencing on the battered women and children in Nigeria. ( http://media.wix.com/ugd/5ec67d_89bc70a811b34129bad84cb71dabf43e.pdf)  You will find me with two board members on page 3.  The man on the photo is the one has orphanage. Liysa also is from Oregon. Will you let me know when the documentary is out and available?  Hideko N.

English

Hello Hideko,

Thank you very much for your response to my comment.

World Pulse strongly encourages the free and frank expression of women. This is part of the therapy. You came to the right conclusion that we must ultimately accountable consider men as PEOPLE. Very good!

Otherwise, please consider that I am women's rights activists in my community for long time enough, that the women here like me a lot, and it can be no question for me to praise any man violent!

  Apologies if because of the difference of language, you misunderstood me. One thing certain is that the fight against gender-based violence effectively lead by combined efforts between activists and volunteers WOMEN MEN.

Greeting.

Joseph-Jacques.-

French

Bonjour HIDEKO,

Merci pour votre réponse à mon commentaire. World Pulse encourage vivement l’expression libre et franche des femmes. Cela fait partie de la thérapeutique. Vous êtes arrivée à la bonne conclusion qu’il faut en fin des comptes considérer les hommes comme des PERSONNES. Très bien !

Pour le reste, veuillez considérer que Je suis activistes des droits des femmes dans ma communauté depuis assez longtemps, que les femmes d’ici m’apprécient beaucoup, et qu’il ne peut être question pour moi de faire d’éloges à aucun homme violent !

 Toutes mes excuses si par différence de langage, vous m’avez mal compris. Une chose certaine est que la lutte contre les violences basées sur le genre se mènera efficacement par conjugaison d’efforts entre Volontaires activistes FEMMES et HOMMES.

Salutation.

Joseph-Jacques.-

 

 

Joseph,

I agree with you on collaborative efforts between men and women to end gender based violence.  Men also need to realize that they are trapped by the social forces, which they never got any chance to agree or disagree.  We are all surrounded by these types of non-sense.  To me, looking through child's eyes is the best way of healing.  Bless you,  Hideko    www.swacin.com

English.

Absolutely, Ms. Hideko.

Thank you very much for your observation.

Good Day.

Joseph-Jacques.-

French

Tout à fait, Madame HIDEKO.

Merci beaucoup pour votre observation.

Bonne journée.

Joseph-Jacques.-

Dear Hideko,

Thank you for raising this subject. I agree that men are under such strong pressures, and you outline the pressures and the results well. I am glad for the responses and ideas that your article generated. John Stoltenberg (USA) has done a lot of work addressing these pressures, and working against violence against women. His work can be helpful to others setting up supports for men wanting to resist social pressures. He offers lots of blueprints accessible online for discussion. One of his books is "Refusing to be a Man". More about him can be found at https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/John_Stoltenberg. I have a lot of respect for men willing to speak with other men about a different way of being. We all benefit.

In Sisterhood,

Tam

Dear Tam,

Right, John Stoltenberg! I knew someone would speak out about this issue in the U.S.  While I am in the U.S. it disturbs to me to see that men feel they had to be "always in control." Basically most batterers are handicapped with fear for insecurities believing that violence or abuse equals to strength and power. An Ideal society to me is where you are completely secure and safe-guarded for who you are, and speak your mind and heart freely without debase or slander associated with much of gender, race, and other political identities.

Let us bear in mind that when individuals are forced to take negative interpretations of others on who they are, life no longer is appealing.  As civil society we don't need such undue burdens in life so let's seek positive change in life and provide prescription to earn inner peace and strength.  

In deep appreciation, 

Hideko N. www.swacin.com

 

Hideko, 

I love your post!

I'm a actually a survivor of Domestic Violence. And as I was reading you Post I understood that it's all about accepting that we woman as men are human beings, that things can go wrong and that we must forgive!

I did not finish reading all the informations shared but it is also good for you to know that the 10 points that you shared is like a bad culture, even here in Curacao!

Thank you much for sharing this deep post!

Annadassa

 

 

 

Annadassa,

Thank you for your reply with good and warm heart.  I imagine that you did not finish reading because the memory of domestic violence still disturbs you?  I was almost killed by my partner back in 2011.  Knowing that, I can understand if you cannot accept all it is said here, but let me tell you.  If the society can provide us without so much pressure on men and detering women from economic resources so much, how wonderful that would be.  Do you not think so?  Instead of beating men to change, I think that women can forcus on aiming such society because in that case, women could easily earn cooperation from men. What would you say?

Hideko N.

www.swacin.com

Hi Hideko,

Thank you so much for your reply! I did finish reading afterwards but I was busy with a meeting and I wanted to answer you at the same time That's why I needed to go back and read everything as soon i had the time. I understand you fully and yes I still has issues and that is trust. I'ts getting better but I still have a long way to go. 

Once again thank you for sharing,

Annadassa

 

May I just be straight on the trust issues?  I have gone there too, but it is the best, I decided, not to trust people in the full scale, but instead, trust that justice is there when it is not there, would draw people to you.Because people are also searching and cannot find it.  It is you who is going to make it happen around you with the best of your ability. And believe me or not, it will happen.  Hideko