Forget the past, live now and plan for nothing was my principle of life until the ' haunting ghost from the past' started visiting me. I am forced to remember that the ghost has plans of her own. She needs to be listened and taken seriously. Her ghostly figure is visiting me in random and at unforeseen times and places. These visits are unforgiving and terrifying. I have been guilty of not saving the haunting ghost leaving her behind trapped in her world. The unwelcome visits are making me nervous, angry, upset and miserable. It is driving me to insanity.
The ghostly visit of the emotions that I cannot remember set me in front of three people who are dear to me. One seems rather concerned. Yet, the emotions I feel are making them my worst enemies. I am bursting with anger hating the people around. The light in front of me is strong and blinding. The darkness outside is deathly. I am fighting a war with all my might to keep them away from me. I want them to disappear. I want me to disappear. I want to go away where they cannot find me. I have to fight the war alone. I am alone to fight and resist. Yet, I am confused, angry and alone.
The emotions makes me irrational, illogical and I am planning an unreasonable game to be ready for a fight to resist anyone that walks my path. The feeling is not only defeating my purpose of existence but also making me stupidly angry. I want to fight and win the war. I don't know with what, when or whom I am to fight but I am in the programmed mode to fight. The message is clear, I am alone. Keep away from them. They are my enemy. I have to fight and win.
The sane mind, questions, what are you fighting, whom are you fighting, and why are you fighting. Why are you so scared, angry, and confused. I am so truly lost, confused and totally crippled by the ghostly visits. During the visits my emotions transport my soul to the past and I am so trapped in those emotions of the angry, scared kid. This repetitive state of my mind is taking up all my energy and leaving me extremely exhausted. To make any sense of my emotions I need help. I sense and feel my sadness in my heart, the pain in my chest, the tightness in my throat. I can feel the tears in my eyes blurring what I am writing. I just want to sleep away the pain. I cry softly letting the tears ease my pain and the anger slowly passes with time. It fades away and I am back to the present leaving me awfully useless. I repeat slowly I am useless... but I hear a voice clearly and firmly telling me, you are OK, you will survive... I take a deep breath, sign and face the day.