Invisible father ...

What does having a father mean?
How would I know I never had one!

Well, that is not entirely true.
My birth record shows a name against ‘father’.

Is that all a father is? Just can’t help retort back!
Just a name on a piece of paper?

I am afraid, that has to be, and is, for me.
I have to be content with the way it is!

I have never known what it feels to be called
“my darling daughter” in a loving fatherly voice;
or simply “dharifulhaa” [my child];
or even be scolded “don’t ever do that again”
in the so very authoritative fatherly tone.
But how would I know what is fatherly!
I have never had a father by my side.

Does that really matter? haven’t I survived,
and managed to be sane too.
A mother was enough; she was strong!
Would I have turned out any better if he was with me?
questions – but no answers;
for he was never a part of me.

Sometimes just can’t help wonder what he thinks;
to know if it hurts him as much as it does me;
does he ever miss his first daughter?
Does he spend sleepless nights
wondering how his daughter was?

How I wish to ask,
bappaa!!! have you ever thought about me?
was worried about me?
ever cared for me, loved me, missed me?

Have I? – I ask!
Of course I have.
Have tried hating him for leaving me.
that has never helped – for I miss him and long for him.
no matter how old and mature I grow.
“Bappaa” – what a simple word. yet so hard for me to say,
for I have never had the chance to use it, not in any way!

Many a times I have wanted to know why he left me;
but life has taught me these are never easy questions.
Why even try when no answer will change the lonely childhood.
No matter how I try I cannot change what has happened;
and have given up asking – why, why & why.
But instead all that bothers me now
is knowing whether he ever thinks about me,
ever thinks me as a part of him?
ever truly believed I am his?
Even for a single second. did he doubt?

How I envy my half siblings.
how he loves them. cares for them. looks after them.
Hope and pray they know how lucky they are.

Will I ever get a father’s love? Will i ever get to know:
what a fatherly hug means – I never remember any;
what a fathers’ advice entails – I never received any;
what a fatherly concern means – I never saw any.

All these questions and still no answers;
but i do wish him all the best.
I wish him a happy father’s day from the bottom of my heart.
sincerely but silently…
as I never can muster the courage to say a word to him.
for I weep inside while I smile for the world and him.

With love and remorse
from the daughter who never was!

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P.S. Something I wrote in 2008 on father's day as my children were very hyped up and preparing father's day card for their dad. Thought I will share it here as a testimony of what a broken family does to the children. These thoughts, these emotions, are what makes me stay even if the going is not so good.