Assumptions

Cleft lip and palate run in my husband's maternal family. When I was pregnant, not a day passed without me praying that my child would not have that condition. I delivered via C-section and as soon as i woke up, the first thing i wanted to see was his face, to check if he did not have cleft lip and palate. When I realised his face was perfect, I then drifted off to sleep peacefully. i thought that condition was the absolute worst thing that could ever happen to a child, but alas, how wrong i was. My child has autism, which we only discovered last year in his fourth year. Sometimes I just tell myself, "So what? There are worse conditions in this world! I can tackle the world!" But more often than not I'm so broken and i just wake up in the middle of the night, go to the lounge and cry my eyes out. I worry about his future - what would happen to him if I died first as he is so dependent? I have the most supportive family in the world but I know no-one would be able to look after him in the way that I can as I'm probably the only person in the world who really understands him. I wonder what type of person he would have been if he did not have autism. People are quick to say, "Oh, don't worry, just accept what you got," but they have no idea how difficult it is to have an autistic child. The resistance to change, the tantrums, the communication problems. I indeed accept that i cannot change what is there but it does not make it any easier. My son only likes to watch one television station, if we change he throws such spectacular tantrums he would get the most hits on You Tube. If I decide to go to watch my favourite programmes on a TV set in another room, he will follow me because he likes to be by my side every time, and he'll insist that i change channels to the one that he likes. It is so frustrating and sometimes i just sit and cry. People would wonder how can a grown woman cry for a TV channel, but there are a lot of emotions involved. i have to guess if he's not feeling well because he has problems communicating. Just this morning we realised that he is passing urine stained with blood and i researched and found out that it could be Urinary Tract Infection. There's a list of things he's supposed to have complained about but he never complained about anything because he does not know how to. That really breaks my heart because sometimes when we eventually discover he is not well, he'd have suffered in silence for quite some time. Why does God allow innocent people to suffer like that, huh?