End of Violence

I made a deep inner commitment to Peace. I gave all I had to follow my own inner wisdom no matter the violent thoughts, ideas, memories surfacing, even the shame of acting out violently against my own child when he was just turning into a man it seemed. I found myself behaving like I had with my sibling, act out of control, wildly and maybe so mad he'll quit the attack. Early coping strategies, don't match the world I'm in currently, when all I want to be is sweet to the child granted to me. I apologized, told my son sorry for the unconcious reaction I didn't see coming. I really wanted to tell my brother sorry to for acting out from the rage I felt about being abused. I'd been watching out for tiger attacks every night before going to bed, what a way to live with that in your head. No one deserves to have to live so afraid inside themselves, no one is so insignificant that they don't deserve to be heard. I had other times too of throwing keys, hitting with a purse the human in front of me, yet later I'd say it was only a mirror to me afraid to see violently me, how angry I was at me for having not had the courage to make that time different, having feared for my life and my family. How I'd tried to pretend nothing bothered me in life until unseen triggers would arrive. My innocent son got to see the wound I'd tried to keep hidden but truthfully it needed me to love me with this wound completely. To welcome me back in to me and marry in union with total me. I could no longer keep out what was part of my experience as a human being, the orphaned self said please love me. Loving me has taken great courage to love the unthinkable especially if you are not old enough to reason what happened. God has given me a brain injury to love me exactly as I am. Can't you imagine our own ego not able to be satisifed with me being less. Me not wanting to be violent towards myself when I can't see improving, that I still matter is what life has brought me to become free of the boundage I self created to protect me. Me looking after me completely, not family, not government, not anything outside me has been the key to self realization and free. Love me free is what I want for everybody... Blessings indeed, Cheryl