Grief

Grief

Grief begets grief. It results in but a heart wrenching misery, punctuated by endless sessions of crying and disbelief at the misfortunes that befall us. Many of us walk around in a trance, too afraid to live. We are too afraid to break down the walls that have defined us for so long, keeping us form the potential hurt from the world. We get to that place where we are comfortable pretending that we never went through these moments that have essentially changed us forever. If anything, the best for us is to carry on with life, one step at a time as if nothing that ever mattered happened. We become masters at deceiving the world, which takes us at face value and know nothing- that we believe in these lies ourselves. We live in that fallacy for many years. It is hidden in our minds, we know not how else to act. Until one day, one unexpected day a little event triggers the emotions and frustration, opens the floodgates of anger bottled up inside us and we snap! We break into many pieces like that little twig by the roadside stepped on by an obese woman. Those around us begin to realise that the cold hard exterior was but a cover, the practiced smile as fake as that Versace knockoff made in a little known sweat factory in a small country somewhere. Only then do they realise that we were as fragile as the dainty china tea cups reserved for our visitors at home. Nothing of the life lived the past 6-7 years was true, we had just never faced our reality.

We have never allowed ourselves the luxury of feeling the grief sweep over us, that first time he had forced himself on us. At that very moment we begin to see ourselves in that clean flat, white surrounding except the couch and the colourful centre rug. We hear all too vividly the loud music, blaring in the background; see him clearly holding us down by those strong muscular forearms. Try as we might to kick loose, we fail dismally. At that very moment we remember how he pulled down our shorts with our knickers in one swift sweep of his other hand. We taste the blood in our mouth as we remember him biting down our lip brusquely to cut off the scream about to emerge from our mouths. Yes we struggled, thrashing our heads from side to side. Tears flowed silently down the side of our heads as we felt the sharp pain of his member driving himself into our secret womanly place. The struggle had all been for nothing. Pointless! He hardly lasted a few minutes, jerked violently as he came, stood up and walked away without even a second look. Those four minutes forever changed our lives.

We want to scream that out to the people starring at us, others with mouths agape in horror. We close our eyes, screaming piercing shrieks as if to let out all our hurt and pain of the last many years. No one moves; we finally feel their hands around our shoulders, as they kneel to the ground next to us, hugging us and speaking words to comfort our tattered souls. They tell us to cry all we need to, that we needed to! Grief- a kind of wretchedness only known to the grieving.

I lost my soul and spirit, all I had lived for at that very moment lost all meaning. I just never knew how to grieve for myself then, and I still don’t know how to now!