Harris Goa
Harris Goa



I am a special boy.My name is Harris Jose.My nickname is Harry.ഹാരീസ്.हैरिस hairis[pronunciation].My house name is Chiramel Konikkadan. My Mummy's name is Gloria and my Father's name is Jose.My father was born on 24-1-1960 and my mother was born on 30-10-1962.My parent's wedding anniversary is on 25th October,1987[25-10-1987].I born on 2.8.88[2nd August,1988],born on Friendship week.I am a Leo born.According to Hindu stars sign,my star sign is Uttara[Uttaram].I am a sun sign.I am considering myself as a character like what the word august means.Yes,I consider myself as a guest to every new place.I am bright white in complexion and slim type bodied and 6 feet and 1 inch tall,and 80 kilograms in weight,10 foot size,36 waist size,42 shoulder size.Like every human being,I was too shyful,during my childhood,when someone copies my image in their flash photo camera.My baptized name in Vendore,Thrissur is Harris[Vareed].My daddy’s name was planned to be made as Thomas[by his parents,during his birth],but his parents changed the plan to make it as Jose.My daddy did not ask my mummy for any dowry[sthreedhanam],because ,my mummy's parents did not have a job that time and they did not have enough money and also because my mummy had a government job in State Bank Of India with financial requirement.My mother had a deepest desire for becoming a film actress,but the circumstances after her marriage in Thrissur did not allow her to do acting.My daddy had little baldness right from my birth,but his personality is great.Now he has full of hair on his head.I admired my daddy from my childhood and made him faces.His smiles were great for me.His smiles relieved from my loneliness.My mummy was and is the first daughter of their family and she was brought up by her caring daddy[my Nana].While she came to Thrissur at Amballur,for proposing a boy,at their relative’s home,then only my mummy saw my daddy,my daddy was 28 year old young man that time and my mummy was 26 year old girl.My daddy’s family knows my mummy’s relative family very well,because their parents worked with my daddy’s parents in Alagappa textile mills at Amballur,Thrissur.My mummy was attracted by my daddy’s smiles while talking and cool and frank conversation with everybody.She also smiles very beautifully while talking to everybody and she is born to a god fearing mother[my Nani].My daddy married my mother,one  year after their meeting,beause my daddy wanted his youngest sister,Baby aunty’s marriage to be happily finish before his marriage day on October,1987,comes.My mummy,Gloria sings very well and her behan,younger sister Gladys sings,plays harmonium and also dances very well.My mummy was told to be looking alike my Nana as she was tall,fair,strong and beautiful.My daddy and mummy are of the same height.My daddy also sings very well and he is very well in doing English dramas and mono acts.My mummy always says that Harris depressed because he did not get his daddy.I learned new languages like Malayalam,kannada,tamil,by listening to the flow and meaning of the lyrics of those songs in each languages.Yes,I am my mummy’s descent,but,my first word as a child,was Dada ,not amma.My mummy started to talk in Chhattisgarhi type of hindi,from her childhood,with her hindi friends and siblings,who were brought up there in Madhya Pradesh,India.There all malyalees,brought up there,talk in hindi,only.So,I could tell very strongly that my mother tongue is the hindi type,which is spoken by people of Central India,although her mother[my nani],is of Thrissur[malayalee] origin.My mummy and my badamaama are close siblings,so they know each other.My Gladys mausi is also very close with them and Gladys mausi is very smart and witty too,like my mummy and badamaama.My mummy once said me that she was selected to play the role of Jesus,in Bhilai college,while she was studying there,playing a drama[or tableau],about the story of Zaccheus[tax collector].My mummy was very active at sports at Bhilai,Madhya Pradesh.She was well played in Basketball,Koco play,Badminton etc: My daddy is very apt and well in doing vigorous physical exercises,at morning and evening before he goes to his job.My daddy once had said to me that,while he was working in Karnataka,in places like Mangalore,Bangalore,Karwar,Belgaum,Hubli and in Goa,he hear kannada people talking to him,like for “vaathil thorak”,they pronounce it as “baathil thora”.My daddy had a sad feeling because many of his other local friends of Vendore,Thrissur,were been forgotten by him to be invited to his marriage party at Vendore,although he had invited his close friends,colleagues and college mates with their family.I call my mummy Gloria,mummy,mamoo or nowadays amma.I call my daddy, like daddy only.My mummy calls my daddy like ‘daddu’,right after their marriage.My daddy calls my mummy,’Gloru’.Because both called each other like listening to what their parents and family called them like that.My daddy's first vehicle was the Kinetic Honda bike after he took license from Goa,and then renewing it in Thrissur,after that he bought a Bajaj Pulsar 150cc,and together with it,he bought an Alto Spin car,and then he sold both the vehicles and he bought a Dream Yuga bike which is only 125 cc and a white Ciaz Maruti car ,during the last year.I like to travel so much especially in trains and buses because my daddy is also a train controller and he has given me a free travel all over India from Rameshwaram till Kashmir.Everywhere in Goa,the name of a person,Jose is pronounced as Jueje.So,my daddy was called in Goa,by his friend,neighbours and colleagues by the name Jueje.In London the name Jose is called as Mr.Joseiy.I always wanted to be with my daddy but his lovable attitude to my siblings always made me surprised,while I also care for them.My daddy says to me,that a father and a son cannot be intimate while I look tensed at him.My daddy was attracted by everyone because of his admiration towards the song,"I have a dream,A song to sing",from the music album,ABBA.My daddy also loved the Malayalam song,’Puzhayorazhakula pennu’ and he sings to it when friends and relatives comes and get together,wherever.My mummy,loves the song,'My heart is beating,keeps on repeating,I am waiting for you.'She sings that song very beautifully,when also family get togethers comes.Everyone who listens to it,loved those songs and gives great applaud to my daddy and mummy. I am from Thrissur,Kerala,my parents belong to Thrissur,the central region ,cultural capital of Kerala.My father was brought up in Pudukad,Vendore,Thrissur while my mother is brought up in Dalli Rajhara,Bhilai,Chhattisgarh[Madhya Pradesh].I was particularly brought up in a land of festivals,land of Shiva temple.The place Thrissur,which is and became my favorite,has many special things to be said for.It is firstly famous for the Thrissur pooram which is very famous all over the world.The city is situated around a hillock ground where,the Shiva temple is situated.When the moon rises,the pooram star comes in the city which is situated around a hillock ground where,the Shiva temple[Vadakkunathan] is situated. The pooram festival is famous for its beats,music,crowd,more than 57 elephants decorated in golden,colorful umbrella show,golden attractive nettipattom exhibiton shows,morning sky illumination fireworks  shows[which continues throughout 20 or 25 minutes at dark time during early morning], sample skyfall fireworks illumination show in the midst of the city at night which starts at 7 pm,heartpounding[heart blasting exciting emotional sounds].The city trembles and shakes in those fireworks.The pooram festival in Thrissur was found out by Shakthan Thamburan Maharaja.Thrissur Pooram commences on the first week of the month of May[Medam-Malayalam calendar].Thrissur people are highly cultured,business minded,particularly for gold and silk sarees,well behaved,lovable,well mannered,sensitive,god-fearing,fun-loving, innocent and witty,too.There are many movie artists from Thrissur including Innocent chetan[a genuine god fearing christian comedian kerala actor,who is the president of kerala film association],Manju Warrier chechie[who is Kerala's beloved],Bhavana chechie,Lena Kumar chechie[who also studied in my school and passed her tenth board exam with distinction and who is 6 or 7 years elder than me and who also know my mother very well as her father worked with my mother in SBI at East Fort,Thrissur].During the past 4 years,many malayalam movies were released which was golden era for Thrissurites.Thrissur people has a witty and funny slang[dialect], of malayalam language which is different from southern and northern parts of Keralam[Kerala].Southern parts of Kerala has very smart boasty type of slang in malayalam together with more tamil type of malayalam in the southern most capital city of Kerala and northern parts of Kerala has a muslim arabic type slang of malayalam. I was born in Bhilai,Durg district,Chhattisgarh[former Madhya Pradesh],in the year 1988,and after that my daddy's appa called me to be baptized in St.Mary's Church,Vendore,Thrissur in my daddy's homeland and till 10 years of my age,from 1989,I did my primary schooling till 4rth standard in Margao and I was enrolled in primary schooling when I was only 2 year old,because my parents went for government service,Goa and I was brought up in Curchorem-Sanverdem in Goa.That time I was nursed and brought up as a child and toddler by Goan lady hands.Her name is Philo.In Goa,we stayed in Geethanjali appartments.I was inside feeling like malayali,but I was not able to communicate in Malayalam language,as I have never learned to write or read Malayalam words,from my school period,because I started studying in Goa.I started to read and write English words,from when I was 2 year old guy.I only started learning to read and write Malayalam words,when I came back to Thrishoor[Thrissur],when I was 11 year old guy.So,my daddy thought I may be like hindi guys,because I was born in Bhilai,Madhya Pradesh dated on 2-8-88,so my daddy thought Harris might go on with hindi guys very easily.But,he could not see any improvement towards my side in talking and communicating,but just he see that Harris is only smiling,acting,crying and expressing his singing and dancing talents right from childhood,and studying and no other activities.Shah Rukh Khan’s first screen appearance was in the year 1988,also his friend,Juhi Chawla’s first movie,I suppose begun in the year 1988,yes,I am sure. At Goa flat,I used to go to nearby muslim sheikh flat where a mate Rahil stays and I dance in front of his mother to the song ‘Yaayire’,imitating the dance.I was just crazy,to show out my talents.His mother, laughs at me seeing my imitation of that Yaayire dance.But my daddy did not like me going and communicating with the Muslim army family living next door,because Rahil is studying in the same school and class,where ,I am studying in Our lady of perpetual help school,at Sanverdem and daddy knows,that Rahil is studying with Harris,but,Harris[me], had less knowledge that Rahil is studying with me and that I should be friends with him,but,I was more attracted in friendship means with my younger brother who is more near to me and I was more excited and attracted,whenever,I see Rahil,Pankaj,Sheldon,Rupesh,Dennis or Sidney,for friendship,but no  talking due to ignorance of how to love and less knowledge of friendship making,and everytime when my daddy come back to home,after his job or after he comes from outside he sees the same shy Harris.No change.So,I also started to avoid Rahil’s and Sidney’s presence on me.I also do not know what they were thinking about me,may be Harris’ face is looking like Shah Rukh Khan’s face.I have never considered myself,like that,myself like Shah Rukh Khan’s face that time.I never liked acting also.Acting was like hypocrisy for me,like unreal,in that times.I was always with my near friend,Dennis all the time and was very close to him.I was more intreseted in singing in those days in Goa and in terms of smiling beautifully and for being photogenic,while someone taking my photos.When my goan mates thinks that I looks like Shah Rukh Khan,my daddy also perceived like that for what my goan mates think about me.My daddy knew that I was more interested in singing and in being photogenic like beauties,and my daddy understood that Harris was not much into acting in those times,when Harris[I],was 8 or 9 year old in Goa.My daddy understood,that Harris should get some life experiences to become an actor,if Harris has interest in acting field,in future life.I also did not know that Rahil’s birthday was on January 22,2 days before my daddy’s birthday,which is on January 24rth.My daddy may have asked his birthday date to his parents,while we 4 were in Goa.I also perceived why my daddy assured and warned me like that.Harris can attract everyone with his life,singing,acting and dancing talents,but to make useless groups of friends and gambling,Harris was ignorant about that useless activities,due to his communicating hindi,English,Malayalam language problem and distance of alike mates of [Harris],his.I did not know how to talk about intimacy in hindi or Konkani language.I do not know what to say for the body parts in their language or dirty language words for any love connection,I was not aware of,or what other children say or whether they know anything about something,I do not know.Even if I go and do something to these guys,I will become shy again and sit at home,because I do not know their intention and my intention is also not clear for me too.What they are thinking about me,is also not clear for me.Any wrong thinking about me,from their side,without knowing my true origin and identity.We were too small kids that time,we were less than 9 year olds.We children were happy in our family itself,we children were safe inside our home,after coming back from school,mingling with other children at school and at our class time.We as children was not allowed to ride big bikes and such things were not learnt by us,like adults do.Rahil’s uppa[daadha],is working outside,somewhere.Some,Konkani guy’s pappa is a chronic drinker.I was completely different,for what my family ,friends and relatives perceive for.Even if I do some bad thing,which is liked by someone else,I will be again shy form with pure thinking,like I should be distant from their bad thinkings and that I should be myself. I am a Jesus believer,in every person’s eyes,as my family is known as Christians.And if any unfavourable time,it leads to my soul’s unexpected and unknowing end. I wanted to meet Rahil,for showing out my talents,but I usually dance in front of his mother,because of feeling getting,rejection from them.After I show off myself,my talents,then only I will become too intimate with someone.I also did not want to meet Rahil,in real,but,I wanted to express my talents in front of him.Also,my hand was too small and I was also too small to bang the closed door of all flats and also I could not reach the calling bell,so I do not think too much about meeting Rahil.Usually when I run and go near Rahil,this Rahil run away from there.He knows Harris do not need it.That is why Harris is just acting like,even Harris is anxious and ignorant about love making and that Harris has a younger brother,named Dennis,and Rahil knows that Harris is very intimate with Harris’ younger brother,Dennis and that is enough for him.Rahil thought that he himself has a younger brother,named Rohab and why should Rahil be with another boy of different caste different than his.Rahil may have thought let Harris study about his caste first and let him grow up like that.I also thought, let Rahil grow up within his caste and his friend groups.Rahil’s flat is at our same floor as our flat,but Sidney’s flat is on the next ground floor.So,I only try to meet Rahil’s mother only.Daddy’s son had speedy,over thinking and language problem too,though Harris is an artist,too.I was a child then and I did not know what's the full reason behind it and why he is saying like that.But one day,I again went to their home next to our flat and my daddy came to know it from Rahil’s mother,Israth, itself,and my daddy knew that Harris is a happy dude,bromantic,man plus woman lover and cute angel like boy child ,also an artist,but could not talk and express his ideas and feelings in a verbal form clearly,even if he tries a lot,when told by somebody inside home,but could express it in his acting,songs and dance form and if any Islam father will keep something about daddy's son in his mind and my daddy has beaten me on the face with his belt and my lower lips bleeded with pain and I cried,weeping.There is a pecularity in my crying from my childhood.There will be no sound of crying,but my face could show the sigh and pain in my mind caused by any hurt.After that,on the request of my mother,my daddy has never beaten me till now.My  parents both loved Rahil’s mother,named Israth,because of her simplicity in her beauty and smiles,and me going and dancing in front of Rahil’s and Rohab’s amma[umma].Daddy felt it unmatching for Harris boy’s person.And if that army father came to know about this also,Harris’ daily dancing in front of Rahil’s amma.What to do?The rest of the things with Rahil and his umma is only my imagination.I thought I am daddy’s descend,malayali,also,and I think a lot like I am not real and an imagination.My daddy planned to take me,crazy harri,[Harris who is born in Bhilai,Madhya Pradesh to Thrissur[thrishoor-which is Lord Shiva place,where my daddy has been born and been brought up,Thrissur which is famous all over the world[mash hoor],for gold business,silk saree business, festivals,love,music and beats].My daddy knew,if Harris become intimate with someone,then if daddy gets transfer and go from Goa,then,everyone in the family should be shifted from Goa to that place,so Harris will be missing that someone greatly,to cause anxiety and depression for Harris,greatly.Because,my small brother,was not much big and mature to know all these love matters among friends and mates,so my small brother will not know anything.But,Harris,will surely miss Goa,if all of them will go from here to somewhere.And my daddy changed my school to Margao,meanwhile,together with my small brother,because there was no improvement for Harris in communicating with outside children,even for useless things,even if Harris has been born in Madhya Pradesh.So,I thought why should I someone talk to someone uselessly. So,my daddy thought Harris is malayali type,so he should be put among malayali guys of his age.My mummy used to make me sing and practice the two English rhymes songs,which are,”Have patience,have patience,don’t be in such a hurry.”,and “Sing a song of six pence.”The ‘have patience’ song is in a slow mode,but I usually sing it in very speed way.In Goa,my favourite television programmes were Tahkkikaat[a detective crime serial featuring Sam and Gopi],and one more serial called Alif Laila,shown on Doordarshan channel.And I used to see hindi cartoon,Jungle book and a song programme named Rangoli,on Sundays.Rangoli which shows old hindi songs.During afternoons,I sit and watch hindi award movies of North India,and a sign language news for the deaf and dumb,which will be telecasted,at afternoons.And a hindi serial called Aparajitha.And a programme called Surabhi at nights,before going to sleep.I started to pray in English language,from when I was 2 year old,while also,my mummy[my amma],prays in her language,in hindi too.Her favourite devotional song in hindi is,”Prano se pyaare,eiesu mere,prano se pyaare..eiesu mere,teraa hi he aasaraa…..tera hi he aasaaraa…aaa…baahar dekha ,ghAR mei dekhaa…dekha me chaaro dishaa..dekhaa mei chaaro deeshaa..par nahi dekha eiesu meine,par nahi dekha eiesu meine,tumsaa koi doosara……tumsaa koi dooseraa…….praano se pyaare eiesu mere,praano se pyaaree…eiesu mere………………………..”..One day when my parents both went for work in Goa, my servant-maid named Kumari [who hails from Palakkad],were only there with me and she abused and raped me ,when I was only a 5 year old,but I look like a grown up,but I feared to tell this incident to my parents due to fear of rejection.My daddy used to beat her,when once she tried to steal money from his purse.I told this incident to my small brother but he was too small to understand the feeling of getting abused.When I was there in Goa and after I was raped and abused by that adivasi malayali girl,I did not want to reveal it to my daddy and mummy,because if I tell I will feel guilty and dirty about a woman who raped me when I was only 5 years old,because I do not know what sex is,what body touching is.I thought my daddy may have known about it,but he has never known about it.He tries to punish her for other small small mistakes,like stealing money from his purse,but this thing,no body knew.Why,should i marry her ,who abused me,raped me,without my full knowledge,and this black filthy smelling girl,who made me dirty,should I be with her in a relation?How could it be ,me with a woman ,who is 14 or 15 years older than me!?I started to consider and think like this that are every woman are like men.Why should a girl rape me?Am I not a boy!!?Is this girl raped me and abused me,because she was abused and raped before by somebody in Kerala?And she wanted to take revenge,because of that person ,on me,the innocent me.Why should she do that?Usually during toddler childhood period of boys,boys get love from same age boy friends.Why is this like this.So,I started to know and find myself right from when this happened.I started thinking because I am a woman-like,that’s why the woman maid servant abused and raped me,so I thought I should not mingle with any of my same age boy mates,so that I will hurt them,and I thought I became myself dirty because of this servant girl,and why should I make others dirty and isolated.So,I started making myself pure and good to be seen by everyone.I always started to concentrate in my books and studies and in prayers with my mummy and family members,when I started living in Thrissur.This servant always smiles and do her work at home.My sub conscious did not leave her,even if I forgot the incident.I was feeling ashamed of myself.I did not have any same age cousin brothers ,only cousin sisters.I was feeling inside like a woman because at the age of 5 ,I was forcefully made to love the scent of a woman,even if I did not know anything about it.Everyone who watches me can read my mind from my face that what is in Harris' mind.And whenever my daddy and mummy tell me to play with other boys,when they play any ball or anything ,I do not go near them,I remain silent and like a statue looking at them,playing and remain like that for several minutes and wandered alone in the terrace.My daddy and mummy became so confused seeing my behaviour.I thought ,I will hurt them like this adivasi woman did to me and no friends will come near me,but it happened like that,seeing my facial expressions,no one comes near me,and they go with other friends.They thought that was better.Like that was my story of being alone always.I made myself pure,prayerful,and I thought I am a white beauty and attractive and why should I abuse boys and hurt them,as that black beauty maid servant did to me.I am never going to be bad and abusive type.No one understood me and everyone misapprehend me and did not even come near me.For that God will punish and not me.Or,is this abuse incident by the woman servant maid,an imaginary story made by me which became real.No,I am confused.I cannot remember a thing what happened,when I was 5 years old.or was it my daddy or mummy.Yes,It is real story.In Goa,there was a bhayya[elder Konkani brother],named Pavan,who was a mentally challenged,and had no ability to talk properly,he never speaks,not even open his mouth for telling any word,and he always poses with me for birthday photos,He died in the Goan beach because he was not able to swim.After I came to Thrissur from Goa,after that after one week only this happened.No one knows,whether the death is planned or whether it is a death without knowing.I told this abuse incident to my mother ,when I was 24 years old.My mother never knew like this will happen because the servant maid was a malayali adivasi girl who always smiles with showing her teeth. Once ,I remember in Goa,during Ganesh Chaturthi festival celebrations,at night,while I was walking with my parents who was cuddling my small brother,me only stumped my small leg which had cream light shoes on it,into a fresh cow dung and my feet fully became immersed in it,and I walked little bit after taking my leg from it,but I pulled my mummy's hand and said to her and showed this,and my mummy complained this to my daddy,who was walking in front of her,so he said,oh,let it be like that,and that he cannot see any water tap nearby.When my daddy take me for a picnic,to Goan beach,he usually dip me fully in the salted sea,making me naked.I was so much fearful,when my daddy used to do like that to me,but when he plays with me like that and when he carry me out of the salted water,I get happy and relieved like daddy is always with me.He then do the same to my small brother,dipping him in the salty water,of the beach[Colva beach in Goa],but he does not even have any overthinking about that,because I was  first dipped in the sea and carried out of the water and my daddy take a family photo after playing such games with both of us,when my mummy would be standing ashore.My daddy and mummy used to make me alone,while we as a family roam around in fish markets at Goa,to by fish,at afternoons.I will be walking behind them,looking all the fishes in the market,shining beautiful fishes,so my daddy and mummy move fast in front and I will be left behind,with my younger brother,in their hands,like they do not want me and suddenly I could not see them,so I will be running and searching for them going in the crowd here and there.Suddenly I will come in touch with them and I could see their legs recognizing their dresses and conversations.I do not know,whether my daddy and mummy is doing to me,purposefully.I had a friend named Somu[Gajana Babu’s grandson].But even if I talk to him very interestingly and respond to him,he never reacts and responds to me.Is it because,that he knew that Harris is going to leave Goa,before I knew it.Whenever,I wandered alone thinking about,something is there with me or why is it happening to me only and I started to see everything in my life like a sixth sense. My soul only knows,who am I inside.While I was thinking and walking on the terrace like this,there was a chimney near to our flat,it blasted from its top and fire and fumes started to come from it.We all just watched it,as it happens.Nothing unusual about it.To the bottom of our flat which was named Geethanjali Appartments,there was big mango market and a pond space near to it,while when rain falls heavily,frogs comes out from it and loudly cries,and another thing about Goans is that ,they catch these rain frogs and clean and fry it and eat the meat with food.It's so tasty,like they say.I liked the Christmas Bebinca cake very much,in Goa.We as a family visit birthday parties,and Christmas parties,with other Konkani families and visit malayali families and enjoy get togethering every night and evenings.Sometimes,we invite our Konkani flat mates,and kottayam and thrissur family mates,to our birthday parties or Christmas parties at our home[flat].My daddy’s appan and amma,once visited us in Goa,during my birthday party.They came to Goa at Sanverdem from Thrissur through train.They both stayed for one or two weeks and were happy and content after meeting new people and they returned back to Thrissur,Kerala.Once Joseph uncle and Baby aunty,visited our home,while they were coming from Ahmedabad,Gujarat,before  me was born and before,Jibi[Thrishurite],my cousin sister was born.Jibi,is was born on August 25,1988.Her baptized name is Veronica.She is also very imaginative and is ditto to me,but she is shorter in length than me and  Jibi is married now and settled in Bangalore from the year 2011.My mummy’s aunty Regina and her husband Simon once visited our flat in Goa during Christmas time,and they stayed there for one week at our flat,and we together enjoyed the Goan beaches,hotels,night life,travel,food  and Old Goa church.My daddy’s sister,Mercy and her husband George with their children Cybil and Roshan once visited our home,in Goa.They came from Dubai,through flight,and they also enjoyed the same singing karokes,celebrating Christmas time,once,my daddy is a occasional bon vivant,who shares his food,wine and drinks with his friends and family.So,everyone enjoyed our family get together with,karoke,songs,prayers,food,and communicating with each other,helping each other.

There was a Kottayam malayali family,Thomson uncle and Lissy aunty,who were proffesors in a Goan college,now they are retired.Their sons,Roshan and Harshan chetans,are now married.Roshan and Harshan were naughty boys that time,when we visit their home,when we were small boys,and Harshan usually shows nude,from his trousers to us,when no one is there in their bedroom.And we both,me and my younger brother stares watching this.

We usually visit their family,when we ,me and my brother were small boys.Their family loved us.Lissy aunty usually bakes home made plum cake and serve us while we visit them.Lissy aunty and Thomson uncle visited us ,when we came to Thrissur home,and thet both stayed there for 2 days in our home,in the year 1998.There was a Thrissur family who were from Chiyyaram,later only that I knew that they were from Chiyyaram.One Joy uncle and Sheela aunty and their children Sony Joy and Sini Joy.We usually visit their home,they also visit our home.Sony is of my age,and she is now married and working as a lecturer in Middle East,with her husband.Sini Joy is a practicing medical house surgeon,now.A Konkani Goan family naming Fernandes uncle and Connie aunty,with their children Sidney and Sheldon.Sidney and Sheldon is  two or three year older than me,and they both are married now.Sidney’s birthday is on August 1,and he is working both in Gulf country and working as hotel owner and chef at Sanverdem.Their family,residing downstairs at our Geethanjali appartments at Sanverdem,were very loving to us.Connie aunty usually makes kesari for me and my brother,at evenings,while we come back from school,while my mummy and daddy will be at work,nearby only.Now,Connie aunty and their family are staying at their new bungalow in Nuvem.And,there were many other Konkani hindu families,Brahmin families,malayali families residing nearby to us,who were all loving neighbours of us.My mummy’s and daddy’s wedding cassette,which is also now there at my home,shows the old tradition and nature beauty of Thrissur and the old Vendore,Thrissur,homes,roads,highway,Chiyyaram,our old roads,old Vadookara,and my family members,every person and thing is there in it,like in those times.So,every Konkani family and malayali family in Goa enjoys watching it,and now also we watch the wedding cassette,when we get time.My daddy once made me record maths tables from 1 to 12,in microphone,making me stand for half an hour,watching my laziness,to study maths numbers and problems.I was sleepy and said it fully,with hesitation.I do not know,why should he do like that,if I was sleeping,making me waking up from my sleep,at Goa.The recording was there in a cassette,till my high school in Thrissur.But,the recording cassette is now unfound,gone or vanished.My mummy had a loving friend and colleague named Aarti[in Malayalam the name is pronounced Aarathi].She is Goan Marathi woman.My mummy had another colleague named Alzira.She is pure English goan.Her spouse’name is Pat.They both have three girls,Virjie,Cybil and one girl also,I forgot that name.My mummy once took me and my brother to their home at Margao,just for family visit.They are now residing in Canada with their family,from the year 2003.From Goa itself I had a great anxiety for talking and mingling with fellow konkani mates.My daddy did not want to miss his kerala brought up place of Thrissur,so he planned to shift his work place and home.But the actual reason for shifting our family from Goa to Thrissur is for the improvement of my language and communicating ability.My daddy also shifted me to Thrissur ,by watching my ability to change the ill mindedness of malayali people,that they need to study a lesson from my life,even after my death.My daddy perceived my thoughts,understood me. I actually was not attached to Rahil but,usually moreover like Rahil’s umma,Israth[Israth aunty],than him and missed her from Goa,when I came back to Thrissur,because of her bright white color,slim type body,smiles and beauty.I always compared her to me. When the time of talking is finished,in Harris’ language,after many thinkings and thoughts,then the time is over.If he wants to do it,he will.Daddy knew it.If the time is finished without actual response from his far away friend,then,he[Harris], will look outside for his dreams to be fulfilled.

My growing period was like this,while I was put suddenly to Thrissur,with among strange Malayalam slang speaking boys,who isolates a new comer from Goa.I have such a vivid memory of Goa.My younger  brother have no much such memory of Goa,like this.He has never spoken about Goa,after coming to Thrissur.But,even if I was starting to learn Malayalam words from when I was 11 year old,then also I was fearful and unable to talk to them,to my batch mates in a full manner,in a continuity manner,because I did not know many of the meanings of the words used by them in their slang of Malayalam language.If they say some word like,”choru”,I would be perceiving the word by myself,like”koru.”.and when they say to me,this is not the way to tell that word,so I smile very happily,like I am enjoying their behaviour towards me,but in my inside,I was anxious for not knowing their language,and feeling crying like inside my eyes[mind].If I would be put with these English speaking boys in Goa,I would have been more better,as I perceive and think,because after coming to Thrissur it was worser for me.My daddy was afraid that Harris might become like some unknown person,if this continues like this.I knew some girl is like me who is alone and who needs help. For me it was sudden loss of my childhood memory and growth.A sudden disconnection with everyone whom I saw right from my growing period,from childhood Goa.Before knowing them,I am planted to another region.I do not know,I started to think,will something happen to those childhood people and friends,who became too intimate with me.My silly mind started to think like this because I do not know anything about this new place called Thrissur,when I came back there when I was only 10 year old guy.I started reminding my God,that nothing should happen to anyone,because I am going to be shifted to another place.Because I do not know,what is going to happen in the future. I was considered as an angel boy right from Goa,because whenever I go and run together with these boys,I could not reach together with them.All boys were like surrounding by my presence.Another pecularity in me ,it's whenever I see Shah Rukh Khan's face in any movie in television,I cover my face with shyness.I don't know what craziness was with me.Then,from when I was 10 years old,after my parents got transfer to Thrissur, I was brought up in Thrissur,my daddy's place. While leaving Goa,a blackish slim portugese goan teacher was kissing my small brother Denni's hand,in front of me,and saying to him,that she miss him,while we both went to Margao school to receive transfer certificate,with my daddy.She was his class teacher.I thought ,why should not she miss me too.I just looked her in a naughty way.I usually put my tongue outside,and move my tongue at both sides of the mouth slowly, while looking someone in a naughty way.From the start of living in Thrissur ,I was particularly attracted to the name Shiva and Thrissur.During my return travel to Thrissur from Goa, through train,our family and me met Gayathri,my Goan school friend,and her mother in the train,when the train reached Bangalore,train reached Bangalore or Mangalore[one of these places].As we were reaching Bangalore or Mangalore,from Goa in the year 1995 or 1996,a mother and a beautiful girl was sitting beside the window seat in the daylight.The girl was sitting next to her mother with their blankets and bags.The girl seems 1 or 2 year older than me.My mother chat with her mother and told her every details of Harris and her mother introduced themselves as they are from Goa,Konkani speaking background,but residing in Bangalore as her father is famous for badminton.My mummy introduced me to that girl,by telling me her name,but I forgot the name what my mummy said to me very easily,because I think I was very tired and sleepy after travel from Goa till Bangalore.The girl,she was beautiful,but seem to be alone,she never smiled to me,but made a face.It was a reserved coach,and me,my mother,that girl,and her mother was there only in that berth.Yes that mother said the name ,Dipi,yes.My mummy may have forgotten the name.Yes,I remember ,I also talked to her about recent movies that I had watched in Goa and asked her whether she had watched it,and I sang one of the hindi song to her,Tujhe dekha….that song,or was it Hum aapke hain kaun song,and I told her one of the story of queen and king and they fought with each other,but she was responding with a smile only.I am sure that I said my abuse incident from an older woman to this girl in the train,in the form of facial expressions and my body language revealed it to that girl.I was crying a more bit,while communicating with that girl, because of going from Goa to Thrissur in the train.I knew I will never go back.My mummy sensed my missing.In my mind,it was like that feeded,like I should wait for this girl to be met again in the train,while going back to Goa,but we never did go back.We settled in Thrissur only.After that,I started imagining being with that girl.I could not convey my thoughts about this incident to my Thrissur school,new classmates,because I had already forgotten the girl’s name and because of my Malayalam language problem and because of their English and hindi language problem,I might not be able to fully tell about the incident to my classmates or they could not understand,what am I talking about or I may be speaking to them in whispering broken words or broken sentences.My mother was very happy after meeting the mother and the girl and told to me to wave her goodbye,while leaving the compartment.My daddy had just gone outside of the birth to talk with Ticket collector or with someone else and came back to take us along with him.If my mother would have asked their contact number,I would have a contact with that girl,But I could not,I forgot it,when I reached Thrissur,because my mummy did not speak anything about that after that till now.Those times,from there were trains till Bangalore only.So,we usually catch a bus named Ideal coach or catch another train till Thrissur.After,I reached Thrissur,I forgot what happened in the train till Bangalore and I asked my mother,whether I met my school friend of Goa Gayathri in the train.She said to me that she do not remember,she also forgot that,she told me that it is not Gayathri,but I said no it was Gayathri,because Gayathri was in my mind during the tiresome travel from Goa.Gayathri was the beautiful girl in my Goa school,as perceived by me,she said to me that she do not remember the name of that girl in the train.I think my mummy told me her name somewhat like Deepika or is it some other name.I smiled at that girl sitting in the train, as if I understood everything about her,and shook my head as if for acceptance.We meet many people in the train,many families who travel long distances.But,this incident,in the train got immersed in my mind from childhood till now. Our new home at Chiyyaram,was going to be planned to constructed by an engineer named,Lorance,but he was about to plan our home site and area,with his Stic Eazy blue coloured pen,after plot blessing by parish priest,the construction engineer named Lorance died the next day of heart attack.My daddy and mummy became shocked hearing the news of sudden death of the construction worker.He usually visits me,nana and my mummy,while we were at Vadookara,staying there that time.This construction worker named Lorance left his stic easy pen at our Vadookara home,before his planning of our home at Chiyyaram and before his sudden death.My daddy and nana together hired another construction worker,and construction of our home at Chiyyaram went on smoothly,without any problems.After settling three of us[me,my mummy and Denni],in Thrissur,my daddy went and stayed in Goa for his work for 2 more long years because of his work transfer to Thrissur prolonged.I usually call my small brother,Denni,like calling him as Unni,in those times,but now I am not calling him like that.Because I forgot the girl’s name whom I met in the train,I imagined that her name is Sonia,and I once acted like being Sonia,in front of my Agna aunty and in front of my younger brothers and in front of Nimmi[my cousin sister],at Vendore,Thrissur. I always saw dead people who rise again with hope,in front of my eyes.While I was born,as my mummy said,to me,that Harris had long black hair from back of your head and not from the front side.The front of my head were with no hair.My Nani and Nana[my grandmother and grandfather-my mummy’s mummy and daddy-Rosy Thambi and E I John],were both very hardworking and very busy all the times.My Nana,had a big farmland with lots of banana plants[vaazha krishi],papaya trees,guava trees,herbs,mango trees[maavu],jackfruit trees[plaavu],coconut trees[komadan thengu],and cow shed with two cows,lots of chicken farmhouse,with lots of cocks,hens,chicklets,giriraj hens,natti hens and he ploughs and plants every plant saplings alone and with his hands only,water it with large pvc pipes from his own well and because he was a famous Communist Marxist activist,the Deshabhimani newpaper interviewed him and his story was published in their newspaper in the year 2006,with his photo in his farmland,at the back of our home at Vadookara. He always gets up early with my Nani,and while my Nani,after going for prayers and mass in church at St.Thomas Church at Aranattukara,and after coming back while she makes breakfast like chappathi,vellappam with green peas[mutter]curry or potato stew etc with tea,my Nana goes for shopping,outside and brings every food items,like vegetables,bakery items,rice,in an autorickshaw.He do not ride a bike or car,but he walks a lot and rides a Hercules cycle.He had many childhood friends in Vadookara,Thrissur.Beside our Vadookara home,there is a big vast kayal[paadam],so our Vadookara home is named as ‘Kayal View’,as named it in front of our gate by my Nana.He was good football player and kicker those times of his childhood in Vadookara,Thrissur.He studied there in Guruvijayam school,Vadookara.So,he keeps on talking with his friends,about old times and present times and laughs loudly at their jokes,comments,while standing outside our Vadookara home.He was a sort of great encouragement to all of us.After retirement from Bhilai Steel plant in Bhilai,Durg,Madhya Pradesh,he came to Thrissur,built a new house with his balance money as he was not paid a pension from the government and till his death he was very active that I cannot explain you all.To get someone like him as a grandfather,one should do some great in previous life.He was our head in our family.Most usually,at night,my nani makes us chappathi for us for dinner,as a tradition of Madhya Pradesh. My daddy’s family at Vendore,Thrissur , also were very fond of his tall figure and his hardworking nature.My Nani who is shorter than my Nana,has a beautiful garden in front of Vadookara home,at Thrissur,so she always water those plants at evenings after making tea for our family.Me and my small brother were there at Vadookara those times,and my Nana always encourage,helps,sometimes act like punishing us by waving a ‘eerkali’ stick for a fun.My nana and nani usually fight in funny talking fierceful way,in their Thrissur slang, during electricity cut off time at night for 30 minutes time,when we all sit outside in the dark,with moonlight vision or during rainy days in Thrissur,Kerala.We all in our family,laugh at it also.My nana used to sing an English song.But I do not remember the words of the song.My nana sings another hindi song,while at home,that is,”tere ghar ke samne ek ghar banaunga..”.My nana’s favourite quotes are,”Enn swantham pallp oppum,kalyanikuttiyamma support.”,one more quote,”Hey man,are you gentleman from Gibraltown.”,and another,’What is this?This is a cat.”. Otherwise Nana will be always in front of television at night watching Malayalam news headlines with high volume,while my Nani will be busy with family prayers with others and us.Sometimes nana calls my nani,”you bloody fool kundi.”,while nani tells to decrease the volume of the Malayalam news on television while nani will be in prayers with other family members. Electricity cut off time was a great fun that times.Lots of time to talk with each other.My nani,responds to my nana’s useless comments on her,by telling,”ithenth kootha idh.”or she will respond,”ith nalla koothh.”.Sometimes my nana fart sitting in the sitout,at rainy nights,after commenting on nani’s pressure cooker blasting,in the kitchen that afternoon,while she was cooking dal curry[parippu curry],in it,so,all will commenting with nana,”is this thavala[frog],or a speed boat?”.My mummy always comments on me,by saying,”Harrisnn,vrithiked parayaan bhayangara ishtaa.”[that Harris is very intrested to say dirty things.].My nani is a first rank holder in shorthand typewriting and also a typist and she is very excellent in her maths subject.My nani,she always timepass her non working times,by praying to God,telling story to us,to make both of us,me and my brother to sleep at afternoons,then she go and sleep beside my Nana,and keeps on talking with him,till she gets asleep.She was very talkative about daily news.Sometimes ,she reads her Manorama and Mangalam weeklys,novels,with her spectacles on,and sometimes she watches evening serials,like Jwalayaai,of those times.Otherwise she will be always in the kitchen,busy making delicious food like lemon ice cream,chicken biriyani of her style,fish fry,unniyappam etc,for guests who come to our Vadookara home.My nani’s behaviour was called to be like Hema Malini’s alike. My nani usually tells stories of Princess with long strong hair,living alone in a tall dungeon and the unknown prince who came to rescue from her loneliness.or stories of sleeping beauty and the witch,and story of pied piper man and children who followed pied piper’s music,or she sings lullaby type song,in Malayalam,which is starting,”pacha varna painkili,onn parayumo,kochu mulam kaad vitt vannathenthinaa,oooooo,…”.She sings mostly Bhilai type hindi devotional songs during Vadookara prayer times.She is now in Chhattisgarh[Madhya Pradesh],on bed rest under care of a nurse.She smiles at me,like she understood,whenever she sees me and recognizes me.I get lots of joy and happiness while she smiles at me.I talk to her like in childhood times after that.She responds to me like she understands well what I am saying. My Badamaama says Harris is moreover looks like his amma[my nani],because he knows her well.She was brought after marrying my nana,from Thrissur to Bhilai,and till my mummy’s marriage[her first daughter,Gloria’s marriage],she was residing there in Madhya Pradesh,for 41 years. My nana got severe malaria while in bhilai,recovering from it after 2 days.My nani is the first daughter[along next 5 children], of her parents,Paul and Anna.Her pappa was a school master in St.Antony’s High School,Pudukad,near national highway 47.Her amma,annakutty died an early death at the age of 32,because of throat cancer.Her pappa,Paul master had visited Bhilai,when my nani and nana where residing there.The old memory reminding photos are still there at Vadookara home,at Thrissur.My apaapan,Varghese,while residing in Pudukad,in his childhood,knows my nani well,as their homes were nearby in those times in Pudukad.My nani was famous for her name as Thambi Rosy[Rosy Thambi.].My nani’s brothers are residing in Mumbai,Vasai with their family and one Rev.Father,Andrews Thambi,who is the bishop and priest in Patna,Bihar.All are residing there, with their friends and family. My nani also had fallen down from an auto,while my nani,me[when I was only 11 year old],my Unni mausi,my brother and my mummy, were travelling from Thrissur Sapna theatre after watching the Malayalam new release movie,”Swapnalokathe Balabhaskaran”.The auto put a sudden brake at M G Road of Thrissur,while some car stopped suddenly on the road.My nani was sitting at the edge of door seat of the auto and with the sudden break,she fell down outside to the road with her whole body on the road.My unni mausi shouted,aunty,me and my brother called out nani ,my mummy called out mummy.Nani managed to get inside the auto with the help of the auto wala[Thrissur auto wala],and with our help during that night.It was an evening first show,and my nani warned us not to tell about this incident to nana,in a comedy manner.

My Nana usually reads morning and evening newspapers,particularly Deshabhimani newspaper.My Nana is not interested to watch Malayalam or hindi movies or he does not watch any sort of movies,but when all the family sit together to watch television he chit chat with everybody,while having tea or while having food and sometimes we all in our family get together to play cards[variety like ardin ass,set cards,donkey] and to play anthaakshari[singing song game starting from the finishing letter].My Nana’s mother had already died,when he was only 5 years old,so he was the only son,and he lived a carefree child without the love of a mother till he got work as a bus conductor in Bombay,with the help of his father and later he got his permanent job as a chief supervisor in Bhilai steel plant at Bhilai.His papa,married another 2 women,while his pappa was in Bombay[Mumbai],those times,and from those two marriages,many children were born,and my nana got many brothers and sisters like that,and many of them became old,and many of them died,also,before my nana died.Now,the Vadookara home at Thrissur is locked and closed,and no one is living there,after my Nana died on 2nd May,2016,when he was only 84 year old. My nana was always in an upset mood,yet happy  because of his youngest son’s jobless,bad habits and behaviours,at home. My daddy did not want me to be like chotamaama,who has discontinuity from jobs,distant bad habits with group of friends,together with my language problem,so I also did not want to be like chotamaama for my sake,my life’s sake.My daddy always had a great faith in my silence,like my mates had on my silence.My nana always asks me,why should we act like we are happy when we are not so happy.When I go, to Vadookara,Thrissur,it is just childhood memories,of ours ,when I look at the house from outside,nowadays.My Nani is with my Badamama,Gladwin[Winnan,as my Nana,calls my Badamama],with their family in Chhattisgarh.My Nani has memory loss and cannot talk or walk properly,from past 4 years,and she is in bed rest,even if she responds with smile and understands everything.She is in care given by a care giver[paid nurse] from Kottayam,Kerala.My badamaama always make me learn the song,”bacche man ke sacche.”,when I came to Thrissur from Goa.My badamaama,Gladwin always tells others,that how Harris used to tell the sentence”tu autoto pon”,while me came to Vadookara at Thrissur from Goa,while he take to me a travel in auto at night,for a savaari.His birthday is on August 28,1965. My daddy used to say while talking to people or while communicating,that he say,in beween like he understands,”I see.”. My parents used to make me and my brother ,both of them to say while waving goodbye or goodnight to our relatives and friends,during our childhood,like to say,”See you.”While in Vaddokara,during early morning,while I was sleeping near to the kayal room,I dreamt and fell down from the bed and my back of my head hit on the wooden alamaara[which was shifted from Goan flat to there],and blood was coming,so my nana,got up by hearing my crying and shouting,and he with my nani and mummy hired an auto and took me to the nearby Westfort hospital,and put stitches as ordered by the duty doctor in emergency[casuality].I was shouting,while it was still dark in the hospital,and all the nurses [7 of them],held my body from shaking.My nana and nani were thinking,what a shouting of Harris.I was also disturbed from my deep sleep,that early morning,due to the fall from bed.My crying sound is like high pitched sound. My Apaapan and Amamma[K M Varghese and Rosy Kuttukaran-my daddy’s appan and amma],both were working in Alagappa textiles company at Alagappanagar,near Amballur,near NH-47[National highway] and they both made their living,at Pudukad and then forever in Vendore,near to St.Mary’s Church.They both brought up their 5 children,firstly my Rosily aunty,secondly,my vellipappa,K V Mathew,thirdly my daddy,K V Jose,fourthly,Mercy Aunty,fifthly,Baby Aunty.They all are successful in their life.But,the first born son of my apaapan and amaama died after its birth,suddenly.My Apaapan died after my Amaama had died.He died on 27TH November,2000,and my Amaama,she died earlier than him on March 8th 2000. While our Chiyyaram home at Thrissur was on construction,me,my mummy and my small brother stayed both at Vendore and Vadookara changing the stay course time weekly.That time my nana looked after the construction process of our home in Chiyyaram,because my daddy was at Goa,still working.After the inauguration and blessing of our home,in September,1997,my apaapan,Varghese always visit us and he brings kerala cakes[palahaaram]and stay for many days at Chiyyaram.At,Vendore,when apapan was alone at his home with amaama on the bed,he locked both of us[me and my small brother],in the left side bedroom of the old home of our Vendore,as he was tired looking after both of us,who were playing beside the huge ground with sand,near by the pepper tree,without heeding his words,to go and take bath,both of you,it is getting too late at evening.I was very eager to study nearby Vendore,where my daddy has been brought up,to know my daddy’s type of growing times,to know,how he had grown up,but my daddy very well knew about my Malayalam or hindi language problem,so he made me grew up in a new place called Chiyyaram-Kuriachira.Daddy let me live,a new life and not like his,because he do not want his son,Harris,to be grown up imitating him,eventhough Harris very well looks like his daddy and mummy.My daddy was so beloved son for my Apaapan,that they sometimes quarrel,in a funny way with each other ,only talking about our family and money matters and differences.My nani,who is born and brought up in Pudukad till her marriage with my nana,wore kalli mund,and blouse while she works at kitchen in Vadookara as like old traditional women of Thrissur,Kerala do,and my nana wore a kalli mund or white mund[usually folded inside[madakkikuththi]] with a simple shirt,while at home or while going outside.Sometimes only,he wore pants,while going out,with a simple shirt.My appapan wore big white trousers under white mund and a full hand white banyan under white shirt with big black belt over the mund arakett[waist] with magnet watch on his wrist,and my amaama wore a traditional type of Thrissur,Kerala dress called white coloured chaatayum mund.So,I had seen my family background to be very old traditional and simple type,so I also learned a lot about life,a lot from them. Whenever my apaapan take me to church at Vendore,for mass,I get urgency to toilet,which would be seen on my face,”I say to apaapan,apaapaa,kushu idaan mutunu,thooraan muttunnu”,so my apaapan speedily carry me to the nearby small home,at the roadside for toilet,near to the cemetery,asking permission from the aunty of that home.I usually gets too much hesitation to go to the unknowing homes of Vendore,then also I just go and sit inside the toilet of theirs,but  me usually do not get easy defecation,so I think it was just a feeling.My mummy also tells to me that she also gets such type of urgency feeling while in Madhya Pradesh,but it would be just a feeling,while before going to face an unknown crowd or before going to theatre or before going to church.It is common for every one. My apaapan usually says,that,whenever he comes to visit our home to our family “njn ningale elaaryum naatikyum.” ,after he fart with an audible sound.Or during prayer times,while we start the prayer song,he comments,”dhe parishudhathmavu ezhunallivarunnu.”ith kelkumbo enik chiri vannitt…Me and my small brother,get uncontrollable laughing while we hear this while we hear apapaan saying this sitting on his chair.My mummy and daddy also gets laughs while we hear apaapan’s comments while we sit together.Apaapan was always acting serious,but he was very lovable and funny too,sometimes.

My amaama,usually make many sorts of dishes for everyone in our home at Vendore like Achappam,Kuzhallappam,Ainas,etc,she goes everyday to church at Vendore at mornings,because the church was near to home,but she got an arthritis of her both lower limbs in the year 1996,that she had a great pain while walking,after that and was full time in bed and treatment with Ayurveda,allopathy,homeopathy,palliative care,but with little but no effect on her ,though she could walk slowly inside home,for little distances.She died of heart attack,in the year 2000,on Wednesday,after witnessing a poisonous snake in front of our Vendore home,the day before her dying. The day before my amaama,Rosy died,was the day when my mummy got discharged from Jubilee mission hospital at Thrissur after her breast cancer surgery,after her recovery.My mummy was discharged from that hospital the night before the day when my amaama had died.During those days,one day while my mummy Gloria was travelling from her State Bank Of India at Thrissur Dharmodhayam building to Vadookara home,where me ,my brother,my nana and nani is residing,while she was travelling in an auto,on the way,that auto in which she was there met with an accident,and my mummy was hospitalized.I was very much in agony,after this incident caused on her.It was the autowalas mistake,Thrissur auto walas.The auto fell down sideways.During my amaama’s death time, me and my parents and Dennis was at Chiyyaram home.Early morning,only a sudden unexpected call from Velliapappa came to my daddy to his mobile number 9447226113,in broken words,that our amma is no more.My daddy had just gone to admit my amaama in the hospital,following her complaints of chest pain.After the call, my daddy became struck without telling anything.When,I woke up and came down,my mummy was sitting on the Diwan sofa,weeping.I asked my amma,[entha pattiye]asking to her unexpected expressions,so she told me,amaama died[amaama marichu],with broken words.Suddenly,I could not stand properly and could not take breath properly.I lost my senses.I went to the kitchen and cried silently,behind the fridge,sitting on the stool,weeping,without making a sound.We both,me and my brother,did not go to school or my parents took leave for one week. I have never talked to my amaama in a free manner because of her pain of her arthritis leg,but I have always felt her presence during our childhood times.I used to hug her and ask her about her progress of her disease,while my mummy used to tell me to ask so.I repeat the words to amaama,what my amma,tell me to ask my amaama,like ‘amaamkk sugamaano”,[amaama,are you all right?].We four of them,in our black kinetic Honda went to Vendore,that morning,and while we reach there after travelling through the cold breeze of that early morning,through national highway,baby aunty was lying there near my amaama’s body unconscious.Rosily aunty[who also worked in Alagappa textiles,after her studies in tenth standard,first daughter of my Rosa amaama] was weeping and crying without control.[Rosily aunty reached there with my appachan[Inashu] in their Ambassador car from Varakara,early morning].Seeing this,my mummy started weeping soundless.Her pain could be seen on her face.Rosily aunty was telling my mummy[kando,gloriae,nammde amma kidakkane…onn mind amme]Seeing my mummy crying ,me and my brother could not stop weeping soundless.I embraced my 2 small brothers while weeping.Apaapan was sitting at the backyard on a big chair without speaking,silently.His face showed his pain for his wife,Rosa.While my Apaapan died of heart attack,in 2000,thinking about her,his wife,after eating lots of beef fry yesternight of his dying.[I think he was remembering his wife,Rosa,making him tasty beef fry curry[beef porichath]].That time the construction of the new home at Vendore was going on,the dust and all paved a way for dyspnea[difficulty in taking breath],for my Amaama and Apaapan. My mummy and agna aunty used to take care of my amaama,at home,by assiting her with bathing and dressing herself,and cooking her food,at Chiyyaram home and Vendore home. While my amaama and apaapan died suddenly,the pain for me and my whole family,was unbearable,because first time someone is dying like this.During their deaths in 2000,all my younger cousin boys were laughing,so I myself told them initiating that something very bad has happened today,so be quiet,do not laugh and I said to them our apaapan[grandafather-Varghese],is also very upset because of amaama’s[his wife’s sudden death].My amaama was only 69 year old while she was dying and my apaapan died in the same year when he was only 73 year old.For next one year,our whole family was in fasting stage[Vaalayama-bereavement stage],and we whole family member ate only vegetarian foods,as per our tradition in Thrissur area.My cousin sister,Jibi always tell Harris always keeps his mouth wide open while looking here and there.My velliapappa[daddy’s elder brother],got job little bit late,so my apapan gave the Vendore home to velliapappa,instead for daddy,so my daddy co operated because he had a government job that time and he built a new home at Chiyyaram.We,mummy,me and my younger brother were alone at the new Chiyyaram home,which was secluded from other homes and situated in a corner of a big forest reminding plot,in Thrissur those times till my daddy returned to Thrissur.There were no well paved roadway to my home in those times .I had forgotten another thing to say,that many young men of 24 or 25 year olds had died of snake bites,for example:morning milk serving boy,a neighbourhood young man who does not have job,had died suddenly or fatally,those who were knowing that I had came there to Chiyyaram,Thrissur for new stay,in the year 1998,but no snake bite deaths after that year till now.,nearby my street.While in Goa,everyone called me in a english way,Harrys…and when I reached Thrissur,my grandmother and everybody ,my daddy’s family call me in their traditional way,Haareessee.So,I became confused,about my name.My Velliapappa,Mathew[Maathu],encourages me while I go to Vendore,at my daddy’s brought up home,during early teenage and also after late teenage and he gifts me with something special and useful,and he says that Harris’ songs are superb and divine feeling,and Harris’ presence is only needed wherever we go like a family.My velliapappa,tells our Konikkadan house name like in a short form,Konica,he said like that ,also because,he was a studio photographer that time and owner of Foto Prince studio at Amballur,NH-47-road,in the year 1996,before he had gone for work at Muscat and Dubai.I do not know did daddy told my velliapappa about that he met a famous family in the train to Mangalore from Goa.I would have easily survived in Goa if I would stayed there and I missed my Goan friends a lot and I used to cry in sleep a lot in Thrissur.I would not say it to anyone because I did not tell goodbye to them while leaving Goa to Thrissur.I never revealed my abuse incident to my family,because,I thought,they will cry and feel dirty of myself and themselves,so I remained silent.My nana and nani was not too much bothered about me,but my apaapan and amaama,was bothered about me.Apaapan and amaamaa wanted me to be always prayerful and make me only sing during family prayers,because I am from outside Kerala and am always special to see.My nana and nani always says,that Harris is somewhat special,may be because he is the only first and new generation boy born in Bhilai in Madhya Pradesh,or they may have thought I have seen someone special outside Kerala,while travelling or whatever.During playtime,at my daddy’s home,at Vendore,Jibil[Jibi-my Baby aunty’s daughter],would make me and Nimmi[my Velliapappa’s daughter],acting ,newly wed couples at night and we both Nimmi and me would act like sleeping together denoting first night of marriage.Then,I and her were only 10 year old children.Once when me and Nimmi were playing alone in the evening at Vendore,I threw a sharp stone over the sliding od terrace,purposefully,and it directly fell down over Nimmi’s forhead,and lots of blood were coming,so I said sorry to her.She told it to her mummy[Agna aunty] and apaapan,and they both took her to nearby hospital.I was anxious because of I did it to her like this,because I was not aware so much of Thrissur people.I had only recently came from Goa.She have that mark on the forhead,now also.From then me and Nimmi usually sit together,play together,whenever our family visit other functions,as we were same aged siblings.Sometimes while playing,Nimmi becomes Mary and Dennis become Joseph and they say let Harry become Unnisao.So,I correct them by telling Harriey will become Joseph,with Nimmi while Nimmi becomes Mary.While playing role play,so the play will be over,that day like that,outside Vendore home,at the Verandha of our old home[Mittam].She was a black beauty those times.But,now she became pure white in color.I do not know,how she changed her color.From the starting of teenage,from the age of 14,we started to become like strangers.But after this Kalabhavan Mani chettan married a woman called Nimmi,I started to miss my cousin sister Nimmi,who,after her teenage never talks to me,openly.We both were not so close after that,may be because of our growing period or we both may have got our new same or opposite sex friends in those stage of growth of ours.She studied nearby her home with her friends in Mannampetta near Vendore,later at Pudukad pre degree school,and later at Jubilee Mission Nursing college at Thrissur.She used to call me Harriy. My Joseph uncle compared my mother to the actress,Madhavi,when my mummy was first brought to Vendore home,but I could not accept his comparison of my mother,Gloria to Madhavi[actress].When I hear this comparison from my other family relatives,I felt very awkward in that comparison of his.I felt my mother,to be more equal to Aishwarya Rai or Shobhana[actresses].Even if I was perfect,but everyone in my family,mistook my silence for my anger and whenever I smiled due to relieving anxious feelings and due to my language problem ,I smiled,but all of my family and relatives took my smile to be a joke and mocked at me laughing at me and it started reflecting in my personality and I began to loose friends and later ,when I became adult,it paved a way to lose my job. I thought why should me as an eldest son of my whole family have language problem and mingling problem like girls.Girls are more better than me.My mummy says to me that do not make viesel sound or not to sing songs at midnight,as it will harm ourselves only.I basically do not know to viesel using tongue and lips.At Thrissur,while in Vadookara,or Chiyyaram,I used to watch at nights,after school,television programmes like Amaavaasi[Malayalam dubbed hindi prethathama serial],with my small brother and apaapan,when he comes to Chiyyaram home.And I used to watch,serials like Jai Hanuman,Om Nama Shivay,of that times.On Sundays,I used to watch Dayasaagar[hindi Isa serial],and Shakthimaan.I used to listen to Alisha cassette songs of those times and dance to it and sing to it.And I listen mostly to hindi songs of those times like the songs of the movie ‘The Gentleman’,and a song called Tupirapitaptap and I listened to Shaan remix songs of old songs like Naina barse and Roop tera mastana,and I sing to it after school,in my dining hall of my home at Chiyyaram,and I listened to a Malayalam favourite childhood song which is ‘Vennila chandana kinnam’.At night,me together with my brother and my mummy,watch the comedy hindi serial named ‘Tu Tu Main Main’.It was too fun time for all of us.And I used to see other two serials called ‘Son Pari’ and ‘School days’ in Star Plus channel of those times.I do not watch many English movies in channels those times,because,it was too vulgar and ununderstandable those times of mine.But,now,I watch many English Hollywood adventure,horror,comedy and action movies.From the beginning of my Thrissur school,I started to get from third rank only,and no first or second rank in final exams.So,I thought,is my life  going forward with the numbers which I am connected with.Now I am living in Trishur.My mummy have only a thin eye brow,like wise my small brother had only thin eyebrows like my mummy.Me was the only person from early teenage who had dark thick eyebrows,which made me different from other boys of my class,and different from my mummy.So,my relatives thought,the eyebrow thickening is from my daddy’s amma Rosy’s family side.My mummy once said to me that,while she was pregnant carrying me in her womb,when she was four months pregnant,and while she was staying in Karwar,at a railway quarters behind the railway station,in a dense forest plot,there was a big poisonous snake crawling over the roof of the old quarters home,during the night when my daddy went for work.The snake was always hissing making sound greatly.She was not afraid,but slept soundly.Next morning,my mummy told this,about this snake,to my daddy,and all the forest workers and others killed the snake.But,after that my mummy got relieved to stay there in that staff quarters home,the next night,when my daddy went again for work.I wanted peace in everything,in which,I do and in which everyone do.My daddy never tried to know my feelings. My daddy says Harris gets tired easily,when I was brought to Thrissur home from Goa,that because Harris himself has brought his soul presence to this world,like second birth of God or angel.

My mummy understood about my missing Goa.Actually,the reason for coming from Goa is first me,then my daddy and my small brother who was studying in KG-1 got chicken -pox and got life long immunity but my daddy determined to leave Goa in 1996 and I could not write the final examinations of my 2nd standard in class in Margao,Goa and continued again in 2nd std in Thrissur school otherwise I would have been starting in my 3rd std and I would have considered as a senior by my present 2nd std classmates in Thrissur.I did not want anyone of my class to call me as a gay boy or an abused boy.So,also because of this language problem also,I got angry minute by minute for myself for being like this and I was not interested in talking with boys or girls from the starting of Thrissur schooling. I just smile mischieviously looking at the girls.I was also an over thinking,restless,irritable,want more,attention seeking guy even till I finished my late teenage. Thatswhy I became more anxious and depressed from my childhood and could not convey this anxiety of me to anyone in my class.No one understood my feeling and I remained silent.I thought if I would be in 3rd standard from start of Thrissur school,I would be ok. I thought its like that to be happened and from then I started to dream my life.My daddy sent me to SDA School in Thrissur,because I was more convincing to english language and also because my daddy amma's Rosy’s[my grandmother] 's birthday is on August 7[7-8-].During those times,our Thrissur school was managed by Mr.Joy Wilson and his wife,Mrs.Prema Joy Wilson.Both are Seventh Day Adeventists.They both now are settled in Arizona,North America. My school is situated in Moospet Road,Thrissur-680005.Mine and my amaama[grandmother Rosy’s birthday is on August month.Her’s is on 7th of August].So everybody in my whole family had great positive outlook on me and trusted me.I had always hated to comb my long,thick,hair,right from my childhood.It was too long like girl’s hiar,now also.I started to get admired by the verses in bible,like 2nd Isa,will come to us,like,without telling and informing to us,in before,like a thief.

My daddy always tells me that he was admired about Sreedevi's acting skills. My daddy used to hardwork,study,while his other house mates would be asleep till morning and he says to both of us,that he studied with candle light under blanket while everyone were asleep after their part of enjoyment as young boys.My daddy used to tell me about an incident in Karwar forest while he was on duty in there,that he had been cut on his hand,by a tiger man during night,and he fought with that tiger man.My daddy works in Railways and my mother works in SBI but due to missing Goa etc:also because of the eagerness to know about my birth place and due to missing Goan culture and due to changing language problem,I remained  silent or sat on a corner and studied.I did not want to hurt anyone.,I was not like other boys of my age,because of my unexpressing anxiety problem and language problem,and fear of not knowing everything about the place called Thrissur,in those times.I just smile;so as to it will help to mingle with others,socially, to hide my language problem.In fact it was an ailment for me.I hated greatly to attend full day classes from my toddler period in Thrissur,because I never understood this Thrissur malayalam slang.It was incoherent to me. Now,I want to list some of the factors,which lead me to my deep friendship with my small brother: In Goa,once I took my small brother,Dennis over my shoulder and walked lifting him on my body for a short distance,but when I looked up on the whirling fan,I got dizziness and both of us fell down,pointing my nose on the floor.That time ,my small brother was gaining much weight.I was only 5 year old then.When I was 6 year old,I remember once my small brother Dennis got 10 stitches on his leg,when he walked over broken glass pieces of a beer bottle,while it fell over the floor of our flat.He walked it over the glass pieces while running and he got many cuts and bruises all over his legs,and blood was pouring down over the floor from his legs.But,he was happy to see that as he got leave from his school and he sat at home for 2 weeks,like enjoying holidays.For me,if I get fever and sit at home for 1 week,it will be burden for me.I was not like my small brother.One day,my small brother was alone at home,because I was at school,and the door was locked from inside,but after I came from school,I tried to open the door with key,but from inside it was locked,but anyways my small brother,Dennis,managed to unlock the latch chain from inside,trying for more than 30 minutes.I always told him to try to slide it sideways and release the chain from the space below,while he was trying,at Goan flat.In chiyyaram home,also while he was sliding over the staircase,he again fell down hiting his head on the wall,and daddy was there at that time and daddy took him to hospital,immediately at Thrissur district hospital and doctor put 5 stitches on his forhead.That was Christmas time.I always say to him,do not slide over the staircase beam,or it will harm you,and I told him after falling down,then do not cry,okay.But,he do not listen to me and again and again he slides.While he was crying after falling,I got some funny feeling and I was smiling hearing his loud bray[pipe blowing] like crying.But,later when he came home with stitches,I felt pity for him.Then,I was only 10 year old and my small brother,Denni,was 7 year old. We both slept together,in one room, right from when he was 3 year old,and till I was 17 year old.Then after I started my college studies,we both of them slept with our new world.In childhood,at Vaddokara home,at my nani’s garden at the front ,I played with butterflies,like dragon fly,red butterfly[thumbi],everytime,after I wake up at morning also at evenings after having tea made by my nani.I run behind those butterflies[thumbi],and catch one or two of them and I cut their wings and let them go,sometimes I cut their red tail,and I smile at them.Sometimes,I cut their head,and burn their heads,under the candle light.But,next morning,many other butterflies comes again,but they are so colourful and bright at morning flying all over the shining garden among flowers and leaves.I try to catch them again.But,I never could catch it again.I watch their beauty and smile and sit there in the sit-out of Vadookara[Kayal View]home.Sometimes,I played with small cats and sometimes I catch their tail and whirl them round and round in the air and throw them far away in the jungle.Sometimes,I immerse these pussy cats in tank water and drown them as to like suffocate them,and then I release them and give freedom to them.Sometimes I play wih ants,at my home,by closing their hole home and disturbing their line of way.Sometimes I kill lizards and big spiders,in the bathroom,by pouring Dettol solution over them and by putting chilly powder on them and flushing them in the toilet,and I tell those lizards ,cockroaches and spiders not to come again in this bathroom,so as to scare me or I will fry you all.Sometimes I do dissection studies on these dragon flys with sharp blades,as I will be curious to know,what is there inside of their body.My brother will be playing cricket and video games that time inside home. From Vadookara,usually me and my brother go to school,when I was in 2nd standard and in 3rd standard,at Thrissur.The auto man who always picks both of us with several other school children was a Thrissurite.His name was Raphael.We usually call him,Rapheal chetan.He usually smiles at me,in a naughty way,when he sees me getting into auto and there were several boys who pulls my shirt and trousers when I am inside auto,inside the rush of boys in that auto,and I was unable to do anything to them in that rush in that auto.So,I complain this to my betty mausi[lalu mausi],after getting down from that auto jam,at the gate of Vadookara home.After Rapheal chetan,another auto wala came whose name is Dileep.While Rapheal chetan sings a tamil song,”Naan auto kaaran auto kaaran”,while driving his auto to schools with us,Dileep chetan sang song like,”Love love love love kanaale,unmathe alli alli alli alli,sunaale.”,like that listening to these songs,what these autowalas sings,we school children returned to our homes from our schools,and grown up like that,also.The Malayalam movies which were released while I reached Chiyyaram in Thrissur and became hit at Malayalam box office were, Aniyathipravu and Chandralekha.Together with these movies,we were enjoying hearing Kalabhavan Mani’s Naati Songs[Aanavaayil Ambhazhangya], with Parody Storynarration[kadhaprasangam] and also,Dileep’s and Nadirshah’s Mimicry Parody with songs[Onathinidek puttukachavadam].My daddy says to me ,partial knowledge about something is dangerous,full knowledge is better,and what is wanted.My Thrissur school mates always speaks about set,a good set denoting some boys,or denoting friend like Subhash.I was confused what this set is,is it the sets in what we study in Maths during our fifth standard and when I ask them set!?What is that?!They never answer me fully.They ,may have thought if they speak to Harris in Malayalam,Harris would not understand.Yes.But there was a classmate of mine who started to sit near me,when no one is noticing and almost he smelt and kissed my cheeks,touches my various body parts,and tells me that Harris is like a deer[pedamaan].But I never talk to him back too closely because of this anxiety and language problem and I had this fetish feeling or haunting feeling,and I never tried to contact him,because his home,I do not know where it is and I do not know what kind of people thrissur people are.,even if I liked him so much,because I do not know,what will happen in the future and I missed his presence.One day another class mate noticed this action from my classmate on me and this another class mate complained to the teacher and the teacher named Saramma ,told me and him and also ordered this another classmate,to wear full pants instead of trousers and enter into 5th standard of the next year.Then after that we both became decent.We or me do not know about others.I thought ,our family will shift again to Goa,sometime,but never,we did not shift our place.We as children go to school,for studying and developing our social and artistic talents,is not?We as children are not trained to how to work in a company those times.So,what do you all think?I never loved to eat lunch during lunch breaks in classrooms,In Thrissur school,I used to get a great headache[migraine type],during my fifth standard in that school and usually I was allowed to sleep in the bench of the teacher’s staffroom.I usually sleep there for 2 long periods.I just hated eating rice and sambhar in classroom. Once,while I was standing,in front of my neighbourhood girl’s home,Mily Jose’ home,with my daddy carrying my small brother,their white pomerian dog,came running from their home.I thought it was coming to catch and eat me.I ran to the front of our home speedily,but this puppy dog[yet it is bigger],came running speedily behind me.I ran and ran,but I fell down,as my neck got entangled with electric live wire.This puppy saw me falling,and the puppy ran back.I slowly got up,and went to sit at the sit out of our home.So,my apaapan was there and when he saw all these,he did not know anything about my past and he just placed his hand over me and prayed with the holy cross sign.I was still gasping with fear, while my apaapan was praying with his hand over my head.I was only 10 year old that time.My daddy always says to us,to me and my brother,that he wants to see both his boys to be special and famous in all aspects.My daddy has worked in railways,at Karwar,Kalay,Tirichurapalli,Secunderabad,Vasco,Belgaum,before he had worked in Sanverdem and now at Punkunnam,at Thrissur.Due to my language problem,I started to see my childhood malayalam movies like Kilukkam,Minnaram,Manichithrathazhu,Nadodikattu,Pappayude swantham apoos,Thenmavin Kombathu,Meleparambil aanveedu,Maanathe vellitheru,aramanaveedum anjoorekarum,minnaminunginu minnukett etc:,which made it similar to my life,so that I could improve my malayalam responding.During those times,when school closes for long two months summer vacations,I used to buy children’s magazines from shop[pettikada],magazines like Kalikudukka,101 kadamkadha,balarama[only 5 rupees cost],balabhumi[only 5 rupees cost],chidren’s digest,christeen,and together with that I buy a small book of new released movie songs to sing and practice at home[puthiya chalachithraganangal].I read the stories of Mayavi,Luttapi,Dakini amooma,Kuttusan,Shikari Shambu,Jambanum Thumbanum,Sutranum Sheruvum,Kapish,Kaaliya,Meesha Marjaran,Shupandi,Tintumon,Dundumol,Mandan Subru,LBW.During vacation I had once,hit my cycle and hit my head on acoconut tree,while riding it in dark roadways at our new street at Chiyyaram-Kuriachira,and injured  my head over my forhead,and had bruised my head with swelling,when it was night,while riding it,speedily,without using pedals, from my neighbour home to our home.My mummy was walking beside me,from the neigbour’s home till our home,and said to me,it was because of your’s [Harris’] arelessness only.No one is to be blamed.I admitted her view.I usually dance with my mother and brother during Christmas ime inside our home,and sings songs with my daddy and mummy,while they are free at home,always.The chidren cartoon that I watch in cartoon network were Dexter’s Laboratory,Winnie the pooh,Meena,Babu,Tom and Jerry,The Jungle book,Spiderman,Johnny Bravo.The nicknames ,my Thrissur classmates,boys,used to call me were,Kooris,Ghaaris,Josutty,Giraffe,Yesudas,Slavery Eyes[Adimakannan],Mirinda, etc….I started to study malayalam language from Aa aaa,ee,ee,uu,uuu,aey,aeioo,amm,aa….only when I was 11 years old,from Raju sir and from Jennifer’s amma[kochu baby miss].From childhood,our school vacations always gifted us with in Thrissur with Kalabhavan Mani’s Natti songs with Mimicry and parody in it.We as children in Thrissur grown up during 1997 and 1998,listening to a song in our homeland, that Kalabhavan Mani had sung that is ‘Velicham dukhamaanunni,powercutallo sugapradham’[that means light is a sorrow for us,the darkness is enjoyable than light is’.].I also was inspired by the Taal movie dialogue,from Aishwarya Rai,played as Mansi.The dialogue was”Mere koi dosth nahi he,mere rishtedaar hi mere dosth he.”which was released in the year 1999.Many other students also remained silent.But they excelled in their study field.But,me was poor in mingling,talking and conveying useless ideas to fellow students.And while playing some ball with them,I could not reach with them,by running myself.Even if I do nothing with them,they will going saying that I am a girl,what if I do something with them,they would have totally ignored me,in those times,of my problems,which they did not know,or was not aware of.Nobody in my class in Thrissur school knew about gay love or brotherly love,more about it,even I did not know that time what does the word gay mean and I had never heard that word.Actually,I was not gay,I was made into gay woman type,by the evil sight or evil eyes of everybody ,whomever sees me,along with whom I belong.One of my classmates named Subhash B Menon whose birthday is on July 27 or July 28,of my same year,was a very selfish guy and made others inferior to him,to excel in his study area and Subhash and me got the same 6th rank in the 3rd standard of our Thrissur school and our both mothers met each other and talked decently about both of us,that Harris got an eye infection,that is why his marks got lowered like that,and I was surprised,when mummy talked with the malayali aunty[Subhash's amma],we both me and Subhash smiled looking at each other for the first time.Malayalam was a complicated language for me,to communicate with my mates.Hindi was okay for me.By that time,when sports day comes to our school,I very eagerly take participation in 100 meters running race,but when the race starts,I will start speedily running with other boys of my age,but when I understand or when I get a sixth sense that I am going to finish the last,with other 11 boys,I will stop running in the middle of the race and go back and stand in the crowd and watched the others running from my group,till they finish the race.Watching this ,the teachers and other children open their mouth in astonishment. I was like a snail or so called tortoise,in my primary 3rd standard during the starting of Thrissur schooling.Everytime I was like that,also for other races like frog jump race,sackrace,lemon spoon race.Always my lemon fell down repeteadly,from the spoon I had clutched between my teeth,in 10 seconds of my starting of my race.But,during my high school,I won my lemon race competition,in my Chiyyaram Parish fest,defeating the 7 boys,for many rounds and after that I became the leader of my boy’s group and won many prizes for them,like 1st prize in the best newspaper publishment,also for singing and other games.Everything was in control of my mind.And this Rio Issac whose younger brother is a girl talking type,compared him with me and says this to Subhash B Menon,and this Rio Issac was the one who complained of my friend mate’s action towards me and this Rio Issac and Subhash B Menon,what all dirty things they had done together,at class time or during sports day,hiding in bathroom,thinking about me and to defeat my peacefulness and concentration.While other new mates come to class,they could,can connect my silence with both Rio Issac’s and Subhash B Menon’s friendship and behaviour in class time.And this Rio Issac is married and have a child too now and he has no memory or shame for what he did to me ,thinking about me in those class times.I do not know that Subhash is bromance minded.I thought he is a studious guy.May be Subhash is not that type,but he always looks staring at me,like he is ignorant about me.I was not to say anything about me to him[Subhash],because there is no use in it,and my voice will not be like coming out from my throat.For example,it will be like,scattering words,”subhashe…..,njn…goayil…aayrnappo………language prob..llllll…smsarikyann  …patyilaa….younger brother madhi…….nnn vicharch…uuuu……pakshe…….ippo……”.By that time,someone calls him,and he might have gone from there.So,I thought what is the need for talking.After one guy named Arjun Anand,a child singing boy,came newly to our school at 8th standard,he won 1st prize for singing oonjale song and I got second place in singing onninumalathe.This Subhash is friends with Arjun,and this Subhash who do not even talk to me in a nice way or do not reveal anything to me,about himself,says to me,”you got only 2nd.”nink 2nd alle,kittiyullu. So,from then I flagged my mission in my heart,that acting,singing and dancing is my vision with my life.Subhash considered me as a beautiful boy[son],born to rich parents,and he never comes near me.Why do he consider me like that,I do not know.He himself is born to parents who were working in gulf countries.He never calls my name.While he went from our school to another school, only,he just talked to me,talked to me in one sentence and moved away.Subhash was little shorter than me.I do not know what sort of mates are coming to me those times.I do not know why Subhash is jealous of me,he got friends like Rio Issac who do anything for Subhash,when he wants.This Subhash has got more marks in class than me,he never talks to me clearly.He even do not have friends from nearby his home,and how will he be intrested to come to my home,if I call him for any family get together?!I do not know if he was or is love phobic or brother love phobic,or gay phobic.He has only one own younger sister for him.Then how can I be with him while he always sits with that Rio Issac,thinking about me,Rio who always speaks bad about my mother and brother. Actually,I like Subhash and others,the main thing,I could not talk with them is my language problem,changing new home,study problem[which lead to anxiety problem] and another, the thing was I was in my inside feeling like a muslim,because,my daddy told me not to go to that muslim army family and I could not express my in born talents there and now I have weenie problem also,so I thought if I do my unretractable skin cutting by any surgery at that age,when I was 11 or 12 year old,I will become a muslim like boy for sure and I would not have any attraction towards my cousin girls and I never talk about my cousin girls to my class mate boys.So,I wanted to know,what will happen if I do not do a foreskin cutting operation,will every boy mates of mine accept me as Christian boy or an Islam boy.Every boy were thinking me like a hindu or muslim boy.Nobody accepted me as Christian.Nobody in my Thrissur school,no one of my boys called me a Jesus believer.In every ones eyes,Harris[Kooris],was a special hindu type[muslim guy], who has language expressing problem.I also sing all types of songs[whether it is devotional,cinematic,tamil,English songs].Every boy in my school,speaks about ‘sunnath’,looking sideways to me,but I did not know,concerning whom,they were talking about.There were two muslim guys in my school,namely Shahas and Jaseem.While all of them, study their subjects in school,their one part of mind,is for what Harris is thinking.Why Harris cannot express his thoughts in words?Sathyaneshan sir[History sir],always look at me and say in the classroom,that actors will have little amount of blood in their body,that is why they are bright white in color.I was feeling like someone else,like acting in front of my mates.Why to act in real life?I was not able to make continuity with useless talks with every mates of mine,and I was not able to bring my wish to them and my love to them was unexpressive through my voice.It was like as if I am acting.But,I was and am excellent in dubbing my voice,in any form. And there was a foolish Maths sir named Boban[he has inferiority complex because of his polio leg],this teacher,he tells to every mates in my class that Harris has got less intelligent quotient[IQ] and he is always a corner boy,when his maths  classes are going on.And while we sing as a group in cultural activities,this Subhash looks and stares at me from his side in the group and what should I know,what is in his mind,without proper communication between me and him and this Subhash is not even married till now.Rio and Subhash and whoever is there in their group has contact among themselves now also.I do not have any contact with Subhash ,because of his problem with and mine problem. Nobody understood that.I thought,if I do any thing,bad by over excitement to my friends like Subhash,it will adversely affect my family,because,we as a family were shifted from Goa,to Thrissur,and I am the eldest son,I should have some responsibility,because my mummy has also diabetes[at her young age],and my younger brother also have some continuing neonatal meningitis,and if I do not control myself,then who will control me from these over thinking and over urges from myself.And if I loose my control over myself,what if my family would lose control over me,then everything will be lost for me.No one will be there for me.I only have my family and my school is situated far away from my new home,and no friends are there to come to my school,from near my home.My family relatives are staying very far away. For me it was not for what others think,I could not simply talk and express my things to them,and it is like you know the time when I should speak and later I cry and weep because of their misapprehension and misunderstanding on me.I thought and perceived that I must know my family first,their behaviour,their intermingling,but my classmates like Subhash,watching me,even if he understood me,he remained afar and observed my body language,behaviour and personality.I did not want to be anybody else. My mother,brother and daddy,relatives,mates says,that Harris there is nothing to think too much.I also could have be friend with Subhash and later with Jaseem,by becoming intimate with him and during class times and free hours,but with all my useless imaginations and shy feeling,how will I get into friendship with someone ,with only one person too closely,that too I know I will get help whenever needed,after growing up.I was also too tall than other boys.



Subhash was called by Ashish,those time in pre-high school,with the nick name Thuppan,because Subhash always started his habit to spit always after biting his nail, continuously while walking through school ground and during class times,also,I did not know why Subhash is doing like that because of overthinking or tensions about studies or because of thinking about someone,or was he thinking that someone like a girl, is there somewhere who is like Harris,alone and peaceful and do not want to hurt anyone always.Though he did not know the whole story of mine that times in 1999,because I did not reveal my starting of my life, to anyone in my school.I always notices him doing like that looking here and there,towards me also,while I sit there in a corner and look at the books ,reading it very interestingly.Subhash might have been thinking that ,his looks are ditto to a malayalam actor’s facial expressions,so he should change and find himself.When I started my high school,and when Subhash was about to change the school to another school in Vivekodhayam,Thrissur,I started imitating his this habit and now also this habit persistes in me.We in our school always talked about having sex with girls only,and we were not aware of boy love and boys sex.Those times were like that and Subhash usually seldom stole my valuables and gifts whenever I show to a group and whenever I tried to tell him about my life in Goa and about my birth place,he try to make fun of me and tell about me to other mates who do not know me, and avoid me coming in a group and all were becoming like that in every level,like coming to school to make fun of me ,grin at me like grinning to a girl and avoid me.I am a victim of it.I did not like him in any ways and I did not want to be more attached to him.I am shy and not talking with boys,then why I should talk with girls.Like that I started to think from my school days in Thrissur.I think now,that I would have excelled in my study area and learning fields,if I would have put among girls.If I had forgot my past life in Goa,I would have became totally immature,crazy and senseless about making friends to gamble with and would have lost my interest in studies and would have died an early death.Because I controlled myself,and because I understood my worth and value,because of that only,my classmates also lead a positive life.Otherwise,if Subhash had came to me,to do dirty things or if someone ,elder men have had abused me in Thrissur,would I be the same as now?God was with my way all the time,when I studied in Thrissur school.He was attractive however he was like allergic to me only or to others and no one in my class,it was mixed class,and I am sure and suppose, no one were too much attached in a gay way,as I think.If my face looks like Shah Rukh Khan,as perceived by my Thrissur school mates,could I act as he do in films.His real life will be another.My real life experience is another.Is Shah Rukh Khan born as a Christian and brought up in Goa and Thrissur and comparing me with someone who is much older than me!?The acting he do is just artificial.I cannot be artificial in my real life.No.I also could act in life like he do, in movies.But,that time,I was a child,okay.Think commonsense,and you all misbehaved and mistook my peacefullness and silence. If I speak in Malayalam,it was like this,the words which I speak to them,were not coming from my heart as if I am not speaking to them with my whole content,so I thought why should I speak to them as if I am going to hurt them,so I remained to myself,silent.But,I do not know,every malayali of my age,were taking it as an advantage,for their own.May be not.But time will prove it.I thought in my mind,I am not a girl,and why should I become fan of him,Shah Rukh Khan.If I do anything,it is a mistake,if others do,it is right.What is this? So,I was always with my brother and I had no experience in love with an outside boy,and I cannot practice such type of love practices in a new school area in Thrissur.It is must for me.Because I do not like such love practices among boys of south in Thrissur,because I do not know who they are,and from where they are coming.I also getting a feel like a pure being and I also do not want to get bullied by some ignorant fellows for doing bad activities or things.I also did not like to lose out my value and status.They were who saw me friendless and left me alone. All of the mates thought there is no valour in beauties and behaved accordingly .Every students in my class disliked sex or any forms of sex because every one of them were from different places and they all came to excel their dreams in their studies,as believed and perceived by myself.I particularly disliked this guy,Subhash’s behaviour adding to take revenge of what my daddy did to me ,when I went to the muslim army flat.My little mind was so sensitive that time.But,every second ,I forget those things and concentrated myself in studies. Do not they have common sense,cannot they think,that if Harris is beautiful and handsome,it does not mean that Harris’ home is next to them[near to them].How can they,boys like Subhash can assume that Harris is silent because Harris is angry?I could not do anything at the right time,to achieve an early death as an human being,for my sake.I knew myself nicely,like what to do ,with other mates and like how to enjoy.My brother always says to me,we are daddy’s sons,what is there to be afraid of.Simply,say,I did not want to be like other negative characters who die an early death.I had an positive insight and outlook,which could be achieved very slowly and yet steadily.I did not want discontinuity from jobs,and I did not want a bad discontinuing type of attitude at any work,like other jobless people had going through.Why cannot they think in a right way that Harris is brought up in different places,so he himself has language problem,and missing those places.Why should they think to isolate such a boy called Harris,if they cannot think all these things,which are right and connected to Harris. Our Sathyaneshan sir,no one of the boys in our class has the ability to think properly.I knew what he was talking about.If they want to mingle with me,why they cannot sit with me and support me and talk to me and like me.I was always sitting alone in class.None of the boys ever sat with me.[Every boys in my Thrissur school sat with Subhash,talking among themselves,looking at me.And you all tell,are you all surpised when I say this.].Did I tell bad truth about them,in those times,like I do now?I reacted now,about their behaviour towards me,because,my past experiences with them,started to automatically affect me by my present situations.[wherever like job places]. If I mingle and become intimate with Hindu guys,they will speak with me and among each other,for why does Harris have hatred towards Muslim guys[because my name Harris is similar to a muslim boy name and also because Shah Rukh Khan born on 2nd of 11th month of the year is muslim].Is this a foolish questioning and criticism among boys of those times!?Whenever I became intimate with Subhash or some other good looking guy or boy,it was like this,they change the topic of mine,and start to talk about some other girl and boy,in their thrissur slang language,when I go and sit there with them,so I could not understand their topic,and myself I do not like someone talking about some girl like this in a negative way,and together with my maths solving problem,and problem of my past life unrevealing,I slowly move away from there,or I think it is better to move from their over talking,about some unknown girl and boy.Even I do not know,whom they are talking about.Like this they will talk,”avan indyrnileda,oru chekkan,avn aa penninoppam scootaayi,vala vivarom indaa avnn.”like this talking about some current issues of that time.I get headache while ,I hear this local slang,and I move away. If they see me as a girl,I will behave like a girl,I f they would have seen me like a boy,I would have behaved like a boy to them.At Vendore,my Amaama and aunty put Raasanaadhi podi on my head and hair,after my bath,when I was a child,when I came to Thrissur from Goa,which is ayurvedic and with good traditional fragrance.But,when I go to school from my home,I do not put this traditional powder on my hair,because every neighbours of ours considered us as Goans and my mummy has no like these traditional habits,while she was brought up in Madhya Pradesh,so she was also complete hindi,those times,but now she is very fluent in Thrissur slang Malayalam.So,in those school times,I was very much feeling like unrelated with these Thrissur slang Malayalam speaking guys,because,they may also be using these traditional practices at home. Usually I imitate some local Thrissur malayalee slang,while speaking to local Thrissur boys,like for example,if they say while playing cricket to catch the ball,they might be saying catch catch,together with Malayalam pidik pidik,shouting to the other boy mates.So,I will be imitating them,when my turn comes,after I did not get my breath to tell the same words they told and I say like this, catch pidikk catch pidikk….So,every boys laugh and smile at my saying.So,I think ,why do they comment and laugh at me,while I speak. Because of my Malayalam language problem,I started to sing and express myself through songs.So,somebody could understand my soul’s lamenting in some form.I used to remember,there was a girl,classmate of mine in 3rd of Thrissur school,which was then a small kutcha hut types that times and,when my social studies teacher make me sit in between two girls, I used to use her pencil and hide it in my bag,everytime,when she gives it to me,so this girl named Aghila N,who is a Thrissur Tamil girl,complained this matter to my mummy,when she came for parents teacher’s meeting ,after her job near our school,in State Bank Of India.I felt it very funny,that her complaining.In 3 rd std,I used to be topper in class,but after 5th std,I became backward in many of the subjects.The subjects which I liked to study were Biology,Chemistry,History,English,Geography,Hindi and Malayalam language subjects.I remained far away from the subjects like Accounting,Banking,Maths,Computer,Hardware and Software subjects,Statistics,Differential Equations,Physics,Economics,Business laws and Civics. From childhood till now,I have a usual habit to put my pointing finger,in my nose and take out dry nose dirt.My daddy says this habit,Harris studied from his mummy,the Madhya Pradesh[Chhattisgarhi style.].But,my mummy do not accept that it is her behaviour,from which Harris studied it.Every people put their finger in their nose.But,Harris do it for long fifteen minutes.I do not have any shame,even in public I do like this putting my finger inside my both nose and dragging my nose till it get cleaned.My daddy says that is why boys run away from you,seeing this nose fingering.From Thrissur schooling,I took Hindi language as my second language and no other languages till my 8th standard in school. I am afraid of tubelights lighted at work place or at home,while working for whole day in the same room,because one night,when my daddy took my younger brother[after when he showed it to me,when I came after my school to home] to hospital because of his continuing meningitis with his swelling[fluid collection] in one of his scrotum.That night I was alone at home and it was raining heavily outside with thunder sounds and lightning and one such lightning striked inside our hall with flash while I was standing terrified inside the hall,and suddenly the tubelight which was on blasted and lights went off.I took my all courage ,took breath inside and searched for the key from the cup board side and slowly find a way to get outside through the darkness inside my home and I locked the door and went straight to my neighbourhood Girly auntys[Milys home],which is a 10 minute walk away from my home in the next road,as nearby here were no homes nearby in those times when we were living there.I was only 14 year old guy then.It was better to remain outside than sitting inside at home in that dark with lightning inside home.In my mind I thought that it is more correct to be outside in the rain more than sitting inside with fear.I thought if I sit inside again,it will start raining inside my home ,also.So,I went out to my neighbourhood Mily’s home,as Nisha’s family[Chacko uncle’s family was about to leave their home,for going for nearby marriage party.I scolded my daddy and mummy when they came back,for making me alone at home and going out.They said sorry to me.I said to them,that I do not need any sorry.I was so terrified that night,even my fear continued to the next day.From 8th standard,with a recommendation from my teacher Betsy,to my mummy,[Betsy miss who herself is hindi teacher[Malayalam slang hindi]].She told my mummy it is better for Harris to take Malayalam as his second language by observing my language problem to mingle with friends,later this teacher,Betsy,while riding her kinetic Honda scooter,she met with a major accident and her backbone broke and she became bed rest at home,now also.After that I have never seen her,after that I excelled in Malayalam language,but that time,my childhood classmates had already gone from the school to another school.New students started to come to the school.In Malayalam language studies ,mainly we were taught about different whole stories,poetries and novels like Indulekha,Poochakuttikalude veed,Nashtapeta Neelambari,Karuna,Bharathaparyadanam,Verukal.So,I was very much interested in reading these Malayalam poetries,stories and novels.In English,we studied many different types of poetries included in a book called Images Of Life and we were taught about many stories written by english authors and together with it,we were studying William Shakespeare novels like Julius Caesar and The Tempest.I enjoyed reading and studying,writing books and reading books were a great fun and informative for me..Language disorders were not properly studied and investigated in those times by researchers.Only it[an article regarding language disorders from childhood], was published in online news channels,from the year 2006,I believe it is.From my teenage,because of my all these problems,unable to convey my intimacy,feelings, thoughts to my friends,I started to think,after growing up,also ,will friendship among boys and men occur?My mummy says that Harris cannot even suffer a single pain.My friends in Thrissur school,usually says to me and tell everybody that,Harris usually do any things in school with his right hand shoulder little bit raised movement,but the raising of shoulder was due to the artistic and anxious behaviour of mine.When I was 11 years old,I bought dolls from my parents and played with it,and I buy ambulance toys,kitchen article toys,that times,to play with.While,I started to see many new cousin brothers and cousin sisters,when I started going to Thrissur relative houses of my daddy,I was very happy to see all of them,but those times,no one where ever attached to me so closely that removed my happiness into anxiety again.My cousin brothers who were younger to me,saw me like an elder brother who should look after them,also because I was much taller than all of them.I also remember playing cricket outside with my neighbours and cousins,during 2 month vaccations.But,I usually get angry fast,when I become out,after batting myself giving many 6 and 4 high shots,when someone other is bowling,as I am not good at bowling and I become angry due to attachment and sexual frustration,also,and I throw the bat and shout to others and go to home,and my younger cousins were surprised to see my behaviour,but they continue the play or sometimes stop the play that day ,when they are tired of playing outside,and continue with their video games inside the house.Or we play at night,like indoor games like kavadi[a shell board game].I usually win in that shell board games[kavadi].I play all indoor games with my cousin friends like Jibi,Nimmi,Sebin and Nitin.When I grew up as a teenage boy,at my 15th age,I started to play video games like road rash,car racing[revolt games],gun games,super Mario games[playing at Vendore and Kodakara],empires war games and I dance inside the hall of my home,after winning those games.My new Chiyyaram place neighbours were,who were my playmates also for a while were Mily Joseand Kiran Jose[whose mother is Girly and their papa,is a gold shop owner,later they had to shift their home from Chiyyaram to nearby place,after they got business adjustments after they started a JS chitti[kuri] company together with which they started JS hotel,with another partner [named Simon in Kuriachira].Mily sings well.Now both of them,Mily nad Chakku[Kiran Jose],is successful in their life; Nisha and Nikhila[Federal bank employee,Chacko and Sheela’s children];Fredin and Edwin[sons of karate master];John,Antony[ Anthony] and Anna[annakutti],[State Bank Of India,Bank manager Dennis’ and Rosmy’s children].John and Antony were small boys that time,when they newly came near to Chiyyaram from their Kuriachira Tharavaatu[ancestral] home.My home which was new to me in Thrissur was situated isolated from other homes and there were no nearby homes,and my home was situated in a dark forest area in a corner,in those times. I am afraid of tubelights lighted at work place or at home,while working for whole day in the same room,because one night,when my daddy took my younger brother[after when he showed it to me,when I came after my school to home, because of his continuing meningitis with his swelling[fluid collection] in one of his scrotum],to the hospital.That night I was alone at home and it was raining heavily outside with thunder sounds and lightning and one such lightning striked inside our hall with flash while I was standing terrified inside the hall,and suddenly the tubelight which was on blasted and lights went off.I took my all courage ,took breath inside and searched for the key from the cup board side and slowly find a way to get outside and locked the door and went straightly to my neighbourhood Girly auntys[Milys home],which is a 10 minute walk away from my home in the next road,as nearby here were no homes nearby in those times when we were living there.I was only 14 year old guy then.It was better to remain outside than sitting inside at home in that dark with lightning inside home.In my mind I thought that it is more correct to be outside in the rain more than sitting inside with fear.I thought if I sit inside again,it will start raining inside my home ,also.So,I went out to my neighbourhood home,as Nisha’s family[Chacko uncle’s family was about to leave their home,for going for nearby marriage party.I scolded my daddy and mummy for making me alone at home and going out.They said sorry to me.I said to them,that I do not need any sorry.I was so terrified that night,even my fear continued to the next day.My apaapan used to encourage me,while he is at  Chiyyaram home,that he is always with both my younger brother and me,while lightning strikes outside,while we sit outside enjoying rain,in those times.Now,he is also not there.He had already died before that month.Our school uniforms were also full grey pants and white shirts type with blue tie and black shoes.However I did not like the uniform color.Every students in my class and all over the school were decent.However, I excelled in all types of artistic activities and competitions.While there was problem for me to speak any language to my classmates,I always pray to God,nothing unfortunate,should happen to my friends[classmates],because they do not know,what my problem is.Chacko uncle gave me the strength to ride a bicycle,at Chiyyaram roads,by supporting me in it to ride,and I rode it like an expert,while I was a 12 year old guy.Whenever,I want to meet my friends,who are far away,I just become irritated and talk to this to my parents,but I still going on telling that I want to meet them,a lot of times and finally,while they say to me,if you want to go,go,why am I asking them,then,I will admit it and sit in my home and just imagine going and meeting my friends and coming back to home,that times in Thrissur.I did not know,what to do,firstly language problem,secondly,I have no contact numbers of them with me.I know many Malayalam words related to my childhood life in Thrissur which were ‘Peedika’,which means shop in Malayalam,as known in Thrissur.’Peedikekk pondo’means ‘are you going to shop’.like that another word ‘deepika’,deepika ,this word in Malayalam in my childhood,was connecting to a chidren’s magazine name, named deepika.I did not know the meaning of the name deepika from my childhood,till my late teenage,even if I heard about the actress named deepika in Om Shanti Om.That time I knew the word Aishwarya means,meaning near to prosperity and beauty.I knew Diwali means festival of lights and I also knew the name Deepavali.I had 2 classmates named Deepak in my Thrissur school,so I connected the word Deepavali with the name Deepak and my one cousin sister who was much elder than me,her name is Deepa,so I connected the word light for the name Deepaa and not Deepika. My mother says to me that our Deepa chechie[Rosily aunty’s daughter],looks like Manju Warrier[her behaviour and looks.Later only,one year before,I understood fully that the word Deepika means Light or it means something which emits light from itself.Some people misinterpret my silence for anger.I was a child then.I had to look after my small brother,who also got his neonatal meningitis who was born on 12-12-90,as my parents went to work daily.I cared for him a lot,as he was recovering from his neonatal meningitis stage by stage with persistent fainting and falling down while roaming outside under sun. ,now also I have feelings for him and care him because during childhood,he was the only guy who cared for me in return. I know malayalam, tamil,kannada ,english languages ;but I do not know how to speak it in a way like the local people talks, because of that, I do not stand or cannot stand local people who comment on me unneccesarily.Also,I do not know many meanings of words used in english,malayalam or hindi languages.I was very shy and choosy and kept smiling always. Once I beat my younger cousin,Nikita,in front of her mother,Gladys[my mausi],with my Puttu covered hand,while she was also eating puttu kutti with me,before going to school,from Vaddokara,while she called me a girl.I slapped her on her face with my puttu plus milk hand,while I was only 10 year old and while she was 7 year old.I used to beat a guy named Krishna Dev in our class in our Thrissur school,when,we were all in 7th standard,he just jokingly tried to catch my legs,while I was eating sambhar and rice in tiffin,suddenly at once,I gave a nice slap with my sambhar filled hand on his back.He was wearing white uniform shirt.He was startled by my response.The imprint of five sambhar filled slap was on his shirt till the next day of the school.All,including Tony were laughing hysterically,watching and remembering this.This Krishna Dev had made a naked copy of our fifth standard class photo and he published it in all internet sites,because he was an NRI kid,and because of all these anxiety,I did this to him.My school mates called me a crazy love seeing my smiles,everyday when they come to school.Because my friends in my Thrissur school were born and brought up in Thrissur only,and me born and brought up in different places and because of the anxiety of not telling of the abuse incident that happened in Goa,because of fear of being called as dirty by other friends or relatives or because of in future if I loose my job,or loosing of value and marks,I kept it within myself and upgraded my artistic values together with studies.Watching my smile,boys smile at me,and say to me that Harris smile!It is so crazily loving and cute.I usually shave my head ,from my late childhood,due to my uncontagious,big big scaly dandruff on my head,which does not spresd,eventhough my hair will be thick golden long hair.If I stand in a group of boys,I will be the tallest and lean among all of them and everyone studied from me,yes,I am not supposing,it is.I was from a pure Roman Catholic Christian background,and they do not know about my language problem,they may be knowing,seeing my facial expressions,smiling face,they see me,become happy and roam with other friends of their age,after that whatever they do,I do not know.But I had an insight seeing them the next day or afterwards,for what were they doing.I was accepted by all of the boys with me like that.I always wondered and thought whether these boys standing with me,get more taller than me when they grow as an adult!. Whenever I say to my brother that I like the actress Shobhana,he responds to me that he do not like her and that she looks like a snake.Once,in London,after my degree in Bangalore which I had gone there, an uncle called Martin told me that kerala people are not boy lovers.After I started to get job,recognition and meaningful friends, from and at my age 25,then after that I started to smile whole heartedly and fully.Because,I started to express myself to everyone.Every school mate avoided me because when they ask something to me about Harris’ previous schooling and from where Harris comes,I speak to them in an incoherant mouse speaking way that they cannot understand that language ,cannot understand my language and they sit next to another friend,or sometimes it was like that like bullying type of Thrissur slang language speaking from my school mates to me ,so when I start to respond and answer to them,then somebody else come into that gap and the friend whom I gave response ,will start to talk with that friend who entered into our gap,the gap,then I became alone again.So,it was impossible to ask their phone number of home and ask them to or call them to my home to visit my parents or etc…or however it was,my speaking through phone was also very shallow to these thrissur slang speaking stranger school mates,who lived far away from my home.So,they avoided me.Even if I wanted to mingle with them,my boys in my school in Thrissur,I was not able to maintain the continue. I go and sit with them,but what I wanted to convey to them,about myself to them or to say about themselves,or about intimacy, it was not coming from my throat in form of words.I could not express my feelings.I was not like this,whom I am like now,talking with whomever I meet outside,continuously.I was totally different and confused about my being,so I took interest in studying and reading new books of our Thrissur school.You all cannot even imagine those days of mine with thrissur school mates.If everyone would have considered me as a boy and accepted my gender and seek me as their friend,there would have no problem for me,but,everyone from my childhood,in Thrissur school,called me a girl type. During those times in Thrissur,and all over Kerala,acid rain[different colors of rain-red,pink,orange,blue,violet,brown colors of rain-a variety],and small earthquakes,forming of sudden unexpected natural wells started to come in Thrissur,for the first time in Thrissur climate change history.Once I asked ,my mummy,whether this Ochi hurricane will strike Kerala coast,when it had hit Orissa,in the year 2003 or 2004,I do not remember,and thousands of people died,while we were in Thrissur,so she said to me that she do not know,but I determined myself.When I asked later about this language problem from my and my mate’s side, to my daddy,my daddy told ,me that,they might have frightened by observing your face,that is why,they are not coming near you.He said it in a funny way.If they would know about my language problem,that I did not know,if they were concerning me,they should have accepted it and told me about that,and not avoiding me because I did not make friends.If anything is there with me,you should have spoken directly to me earlier before it aggravates like this,rather than always looking at me and criticizing about me to others.Oh,you all saw me a change maker in me.I have never bothered them in class,because of my problem,as I had an insight about myself during Thrissur class times.If I do not even bother them,why should they even bother me in return.I did not know whether seeing my face or eyes,was there any speciality in me those times,I do not know,I was immersed in books and studies those times,if they have came to study,why should they bother me?!My cousin sisters Nimmi and Jibi,says and thinks that Harris has no attraction towards girls,from childhood,but Nimmi supported me by telling to me and Jibi,that,why should Harriey,need friends,we all are his friends,that is only needed for him.By then,I never respond to their or anyone’s foolish judgements.As my mummy and daddy will be at work,my small brother studied with me in the same school,so I had to carry the front door key of our home and I had to carry my small brother with me to home,as we both had to reach early at home at Chiyyaram,near Kuriachira,before my parents had reached to home after work.I was given a great responsibility right from my childhood in Thrissur.I cannot stand the foul smelling of school boys with foul smelling dirty uniforms, in my class; so I had avoided playing with them outside,greatly.I had never talked or I do not know to talk bad about someone to others,because,without knowing anything fully about someone,I never talk about someone to others.I saw good in everyone,only.Then also they did to me like this.There was a medicine factory besides our Thrissur school,by which the smell from the chimney of the factory made me lot more irritating to my senses,that I became more quiet than others,thinking,everybody has given me this smell,like,a punishment for coming from Goa to Thrissur and I should bear this myself.Together with anxious behaviour,I could not study the tough subjects in school,so I myself concentrated in studies and also I had a phimosis tissue in my genital and I had trouble in voiding urine smoothly or I never feel the need to void and there will be a long queue from all the classes and I come back and sit in the classroom and I never go to the boy's bathroom till my plus two in school.I wait till leaving school at 5 pm and used to pass urine and toilet after reaching home at Chiyyaram,Thrissur.If I get chance to visit the boy's toilet,I go there when no one is there in it,because the toilet was very conjested and small and also very smelly.I started to think,every mates in my Thrissur school,eventhough I started to go to school,from Goa,when I was only 2 year old,then also,I have language problem,other mates are born and brought up in Thrissur only,they have good language of their local slang of Malayalam,and I thought,started to think,they were older and bigger than me,eventhough,I am the tallest one than all the boys in my class.Eventhough,so I speak to them,they take it positively and eventhough I call them,they just take it as a joke and ignore me.But,they all,all boys in my school and in my class studied from my silence.Whenever,I go to boy’s toilet,I was not able to urinate,when I pull down my pant’s zib down.So,I thought,what is the problem for me.Later only,I slowly understood the difficulty in urinating was due to abnormal phimosis tissue over my glans which made my weenie unable to retract backwards when it grows,so my mind also reacted to the problem,positively,and I started to find myself. I am going to the toilet,and I am putting my thing outside,and urine is not coming from it,what the other boys looking at me think,because they were looking,that is why my urine is not coming out.They or me never known about slight phimosis abnormality those times in Thrissur school.So,to avoid their misconception about my urine withhold,I thought to never visit boy’s toilet,whenever there is huge rush in it.The break time was only five minutes in those times in Thrissur school.I also started to think,the girl whom I saw in the train is telling me to wait,and do not go and act unwanted useless things with unknown boys.So,wait till something,a magic is going to happen or to begin.I always wanted to be myself clean.During school times in Thrissur ,I always have oily hair due to coconut oil on my head,so my hair at the up and back side remain like procupine's hair.So,every mates called me a procupine[mullanpanni in malayalam].I never look my face in mirror properly,I don't know I never looked my beauty in the mirror.I just smiled always like my smile which automatically comes on my lips,is the beautiful thing I had ever experienced in my life.You know,everytime it was like that,in a group,two friends get close to me on either side at one time.Whom should I choose?So,I tried to find myself.When,I first started to live in a new place called Chiyyaram in Thrissur,every neighbours said ,they were or my family daddy,mummy ,me and my 4 year old brother was from Goa or Goans.I learned Karnatic Music for 4 years after my school,at evenings,and learned to play a piano and a harmonium for my being.I was taught how to do blocks ,fights,kalaripayattu[kerala fight] and karate[japanese fight],when I was 12 years old by a neighbourhood thrissurite named Shaju and I was always with my mother doing home chores,like cleaning my home,cleaning the floors of my home,together with my woman servant maid named Jessy Simon.Jessy chechie is a very hard working and god fearing woman who stays near to our home at Chiyyaram  and I had many mentally challenged classmates who themselves had language problem,and I watched them,without having friends and I saw their suffering also,and I grown up like that watching them also.I felt a lot for them,while studying.My other classmates who were very intelligent,speak among themselves calling Malayalam and english swear words at this physically and mentally challenged classmates of mine.I also could not react to them,because of my language problem,those times.Every mates,boys in my class were behaving with me like,Harris is not even from Thrissur.They never support me,never ask me anything.All boys were in their own world.They saw themselves as like girls,and they wanted me to become to be like a girl,for their enjoyment.How is it possible for me,with all this language problem,unrevealing myself,our homes being too much distance,and with high curriculum studies.They themselves do not talk to me about them,and they never ask me for what I am.I also had a great neck pain starting from those times,even now also I have.Whenever my daddy bought me valuable gifts like birthday cake,cycle,bike,or any mobile phones,I just say a quick thankyou daddy to him and embrace him and run upstairs,happily.No other talking to him.So,my daddy and mummy laugh at my behaviour. When our family was first shifted to Chiyyaram,the new church of Sevanalayam[Holy Family Church],was begun to be constructed.My daddy and his new mates started to co operate with the construction of this new church in Chiyyaram South,helping the church builders and inmates with materials,man power and money. During our new church construction,as a method for raising of funds,our parishoners conducted a big orchestra programme and the main person on stage was Shri K J Yesudas.Each of the family in our parish were considered to invite every local relatives,friends,in all over Thrissur area,from every castes,without difference and the programme was conducted nearby to my school ground,at Thope Stadium,a big spacious stadium,near Jubilee Mission Hospital, in Thrissur.The programme had free entry pass for parish area people and for their relatives and also a special entry pass.Many celebrities of those times attended the orchestra,which included many famous Malayalam,devotional,hindi songs of those times.It started from evening 5 pm till midnight.The new church in Chiyyaram also released their new cassette named Stuthi all over Kerala,for with famous singers songs extra.Vijay Yesudas,Yesudas’ son made an entry to a song in that song cassette,named Stuthi.I had a left leg fracture during my 8th std in Seventh Day School,Thrissur due to a fall on a rocky surface while running with other batch mates,by which I was bed rest at my home in Chiyyaram,place near to Kuriachira, for 3 weeks.Due to the reason of loose shoe laces and somebody named Shivakashi stumped on my shoelace while running with others and I lost my balance and fell down.Meanwhile,my teacher,Raju sir called my mummy to her bank at East Fort and told her to come to the school,so my Physical Trainer carried me in both his arms and gave to Sunny chetan,our school care taker,and as I could not walk properly because of left femur bone dislocation,together with my mummy,hired an auto rickshaw to Jubilee Mission Hospital and doctors adviced X-Ray and 21 days bed rest with Plaster Of Paris Bandage on full left leg,that after coming to home,my mummy did all my bed bathing for 21 days,together with her going to the work in her bank,when I was 13 years old.When I was bed rest,and alone at home, a Thrissur beggar came and stared at me through the open windows and harassed me with his eyes,by the time my daddy came to home in his bike,from outside,and ordered the Thrissur man to get out of the compound.My daddy very well know that daddy’s poor son likes only poor boys who are not greedy in their heart.I do not play badminton outside my home,even if my parents or neighbours call me outside to come and play.I was too shy. I stand at the front door side[katla],watching my neigbours playing badminton at the road spacious area,with my brother and daddy.I thought there's something about me; some connection with the daily happenings.But I do not know it clearly.But,my family and brothers or sisters have not reject me for what I feel,they always supported me,and they were with me,because of far seeing positive attitude.I had a girl friend in from 8th standard but she is little bit fatter than me but yet attractive to see,but even if she requested me to say her"I love you",I did not say her like that but always I sat with her ,talked about her to my family and classmates and phoned to her home at night after school.But,she told me not to phone her to home and we could talk in class.She is the daughter of a famous business man in Thrissur who owns Bright Furniture Mart.She also told about me to her father.Her name is Merin Jose.Her birthday is on February 16th.And her Thrissur language,slang and positive attitude of life and her bright white complexion and her singing attitude always attracted me to her.She told me once that Harris do you have any one short leg,and she told me when you walk and come it seems you are going to beat somebody.She once told me that she disliked goan people.I always write her English poems which include different themes,while I come early morning to class at 8 am,via cycle from Kuriachira.She listens to my poem and sings together with me.Watching my friendship and over talking with Merin,every boys including this Subhash B Menon,Tony,Franco,Vaisag Raghavan,Vignesh[Vigneshwaran,Naresh’s brother,who later changed his name],in my class from 9th standard of my Thrissur school,started to call me names with Merin.I became in love with myself by talking with her.Her Thrissur slang language was very speedy and positive in nature.I developed my Malayalam language and speaking ,learning from talking with her.She also comes early for class.When I reach the school gate,she will be there upstairs on the third floor seeing me and waving her hands to me.I wave my hands in return to her.Merin at last told me in 10th class,that she is getting afraid of Harris’ self.Subhash at last told me that,Harris,you look like a Hindu guy.During plus one[11th class],she got a small pox infection from nowhere and she took six month leave from school and stayed in her home at Priyadarshini Nagar,Paravattani,Thrissur.After curing of her small pox,she came,wearing a yellow colored flower filled long churidhar with yellow chunni and smiled at me looking at me.Seeing her shyful smile ,with her friend Marietta Joseph, looking towards me,I got shy while I looked at her.I was wearing grey white uniform.I talked to her.But she became an unmatching after three years of friendship.She continued in that school only for pre degree with me.She sung for me.But after she got a small pox infection and had took leave for six months from school,I felt very lonely without her in the class.Because every new students,were from Ernakulam and Kottayam.When she proposed me during 10th standard,I felt she is very shorter and fatter than me.I had a phimosis tissue in my male genetelia.It was not retractable.So,the love power will go and vanish soon.So,I was not sure also that I would beget sons and daughters.I am also backward in studies than anyone in the class,so I was sure that I will not get a perfect job,and what promise will I give her that I would marry her.She is now married to a young man and living peacefully.But after that during pre-degree plus two class times,even if we did not talk to each other,she sang a love song,in front of other girls,and a teacher,when I was sitting in the class alone with two other guys,when other non thrissurites,who came newly to our Thrissur school,went for maths practicals on the third floor.She was singing this song,”Karimizhi kuriviye kandeela”,and she became shy ,while she looked at me while singing,and ran away to her seat.I thought,she were mocking me,as said by other girls,she sang,and every girls were smiling.She sang that song as if she loved but do not want crazy love of Harris and she wanted to forget the good old times with me,but she always smiles looking at me.So,I looked at her very seriously,yet looking funny.Dennis,my younger brother excelled in sports activities like relay running,shot put,long jump and high jump competitions,in school level,state level,and archdiocese level.My brother Dennis and cousin sister,Nimmi Rose,used to tell looking her face in class photo,when I show them when I go to Vendore,at my daddy’s brought up home at Thrissur and when I tell that this is my girlfriend and they laugh at me,telling me that she is very fat,looking like a white pork.I was 14 years old,and I used to reply them that I do not know,I like her Thrissur accent and behaviour very much.She is like a friend to me,I told them.Her accent and her friendly nature towards me was similar to the new actress of those times named Navya Nair.She was Merin from Paravattani,Thrissur.I was seen 2nd with my brothers, friends and sisters at Goa and  Thrissur.My Malayalam teacher,Regina, always says Harris’ facial expressions looks like Subhash.Subhash was the only guy,who sat little bit far with me studying Malayalam as second language during high school times.During childhood,I have not talked to him,to Subhash,due to my language problem,then how can I talk or be close with him during high school times.I started to like him more,while he went from our school to Vivekodhayam,Thrissur.I do not know what happened to him,after that.Once later, after coming from London,I messaged him that I loved him right from school days,suddenly I could not send him messages.He blocked me.I continued in the same school due to low marks in 10th standard.Once in 10th standard final exams,I got bloody coloured urine,due to over stress in studying for final examinations and I told this to my mother,Gloria.My younger brother,Dennis’ intimate close friend,Aju’s papa had died that time,while I was studying in tenth standard,Aju’s elder sister,Anu,is studying in my class.So,his pappa,Saji died while getting drunk and while riding his bike with his friend at night to his home and while he met with an accident,by hitting his head on a sharp rock on the roadside.He died of brain hemmorhage.Me,mummy and Denni visited Aju and Anu and their amma.I consoled Anu with my mummy,while Dennis walked with Aju,because Aju is his classmate and friend also.Anu is now married and living in London,now,with her husband and child.Aju is working in Canada at Denny’s. I always concentrated in my Malayalam language improvement.If I tell something,it is mistake,if others do anything for them,it is good for them.Is this right?To manage those boys who call me and see me as a girl,I had to keep myself pure.Is that my mistake?During our Thrissur town festivals,we ,our family invite every friends and relatives to our home,and celebrate with eating delicious food,chatting,doing discussions,conducting cultural activities and we pop up fire crackers,that the smell of those pataakas were addicting to me,even if every relatives go away to their homes from my home,after celebrating.I considered Thrissur pooram festival,like Diwali festival,during my childhood,because,I was brought up in Goa seeing those hindi festival backgrounds and also because I was born in Madhya Pradesh. Because,my friends,classmates were far away from my home,I had a great anxiety to mingle with them in class,means very deeply,I never go to attach with them.So,I wanted to be with them,but I could not.I thought if they are not near me or with me or far away from me,why should I invite them to my home.So,I started to imagine and concentrate in my book reading and studies.But,when my cousin sisters who do not have any knowledge about me or for what I am,when they ask me and criticize me why Harris do not have any friends......I never respond them back because I do not know how to explain them in malayalam,for what I think and I am,in malayalam language,to their foolish and selfish questions and doubts about me.I know that that was not the time to tell everything about me,because they will never believe me.I am fully devoted to Yeshove, Mary,Joseph,12 disciples and all saints.I was also attracted by the verses from bible,which tells,the ship which carries Isa,is free from all danger.I started to think,while I was taught about women,in history classes,who did self destruction[Sati],while their partners died[or were killed in war],so I thought,if I love my partner or if I love my friend very much,and if he or she dies,why should I destroy myself,like those ancient women did to themselves.This should be educated to the women,as famous persons like Vivekananda did.Women should be taught to remain strong.And women should be made understood,that while loving their partners,they themselves should love themselves.Because every human being is special to God.Every life is a Gift of God.I also had read in bible,and interested in the verses,which says,second Isa comes again like a thief into your home,without informing anyone in the world.I had read in Bible,about  Jesus revealing to his three followers,by saving them,when a satan worshipping king put them in a burning fiery furnace,and Jesus was present in that fire,and like wise,the three of them saw Jesus in it,and they got saved from it without being burned.And the fire could not touch the three of them.They three were followers of God.I also was inspired and intresed by the verses,which tells,”Because of me,he shall live.”.I had also read in Bible about a prophet,who was put in a dungeon by a greedy king,a dungeon,which is a lion cave,and because he was believer of God and prayerful,that the lion did not even touch that prophet and the prophet was saved.I also believed and eagerly waited for second coming of Isa.I also wanted a change for those girls who are married to older men before getting matured enough and when they are not able to express their dreams,and excel in life,that they are forever closed inside homes,making home and growing up their sons and daughters.I was also inspired by the story of Jesus in bible,who forgave a prostitute woman,while she was thrown stones by men(who themselves were sinners).I was inspired by God’s magic power,that destroyed all stupid sinners,in huge rain and water,which is true written in bible.I do not go for any bad deeds in Thrissur school times,because of my good mind,I will get more anxious of bad deeds and leave the school and studies myself,the rest of the things of those times were all my imagination.I thought if I become intimate with someone I like,I will not survive for long time,or they will not survive for long,because I was abused at a very early age and I would hurt that person whom I like and I cannot enjoy my life to the fullest in this birth of mine in this world.My mother worked in State bank Of India,Thrissur near my school and every teachers,staffs know her and she helps them for bank related matters and they also speak about me to my mummy.Three teachers helped me in my upliftment of artistic activities.They were Kamala miss[economics teacher],Vimala miss[physics teacher],Sheela miss[hindi teacher],Hemeema miss,Sosamma miss[maths teacher].Most of the teachers in our school were from kottayam background,but all of them were god fearing malayalees and very co operative.Truly say,I was everyone's beloved in Thrissur area.I was not able to talk properly and it greatly affected my attitude.So,I kept myself pure and started to find myself.There was an uncle named Joseph,who loved me a lot but he was staying far away from Thrissur. My daddy used to laugh at me,seeing me too shy to mingle and silent,saying that I am like an angry young man and telling me that I am very cute to see always.My mother got Diabetes, when I was born,this was also a major reason for my anxiety to develop so fastly.But my parents hid this occurence caused by my birth from their relatives and friends.She got even blood glucose level more than 585 mg/dl right from when she was 29 years old and she started to take medications and injections for controlling it and now also she is in control.I started to think from my childhood,that every misery is caused by me.My mother also missed her brought up place.I knew it.My neighbours in Chiyyaram,loves me a lot,and they recognize me as Railway Jose’ son,now.I had a lots of language problem,even now but in my inner mind;I had a dream.I had my age sisters only cousins,but no cousin boys.But I have never been always with my sisters.I had one cousin sister[my daddy's elder brother's first daughter],whom I was very fond of and always with her ,whenever I visit her and she was just like my sister and friend.I was always with my younger brother.My cousin brothers are 3 or 6 years younger to me, so every one considered and called me as a big brother and also I was more taller than my younger brothers.I was backward in maths.I have even got '0'mark in selection exam in maths.My nana[mummy's daddy],asked me whats the difficulty for you in maths but I responded him with a smile.Till I was 13 years old,there was only one channel available in television,that was doordarshan channel and there were no freedom of love as seen nowadays among school children and everyone were straight forward and no wearing of hip hop styles or anything and in those times there were no mobile phones,internet,wifi,computer,no laptop even tabs,ipods,touch screens were not available.No one knew anything about that.We had classes and colleges starting from 9 am till 6pm,even special classes.I was an irritable want more child ,when I was small boy.I did not have any friends from near my home,so ,I missed them a lot.My school was so far that times.Also nobody know my home,or my way to my home.I wanted to mingle,but I could not,so my parents told me,if you are so much tensed to mingle,do not do it,or else it will become trouble to you only.Relax first and find yourself,then start.After my course in Bangalore college in 2010,and when I came back to Thrissur,then only,many technological changes started to take place in Kerala.So,circumstances changed me.My daddy always tell to me,"Ye zindagi ke ujala me kya kab hota hei kisko maalum".My daddy did a vasectomy procedure,in a hospital in Goa for himself,because of the complications like diabetes and neonatal meningitis,in every birth of child in their family. My daddy always say to me about the importance of the number 5.From teenage time ,I was so much confused of Kajol’s and Sreedevi’s birthdays which was on 5th August and 13TH August respectively.My other maama from Bhilai,Madhya Pradesh’s birthday was on 13th January,who was very confused that times.Now he is married and have a job.My 10th class percentage what I got was 58.8 %.Everyone in our only batch got low marks,that time,in the history of our school.After I came to Chhattisgarh, in Raipur for working in the year 2015,November, I got a room mate whose birthday was on 5-8-88. Deepika Padukone’s birthday is on 5-1-86. And in the final examinations,I got highest mark in Malayalam,72 in 10th exam.I had got a friend in Thrissur school,whose name is Tony Thankachan[whom Ashish called Raothara],who studied before in Orissa,who is also a Kottayam keralite,who always sat with me,when I remain alone.He was also a great support for me,for 5 long years in school,from 6th standard of my Thrissur school,but I never became too close with him,because of my problem as everyone knows,and also because his home was 29 kms away from my home.He always says to me after our school,Harris,I know that you miss me,and that I also miss you.Every staff in my school,knows me well,because I was also a teenage boy artist that time in school in Goa continuing in Thrissur and Thrissur town area.I also done music skits in Thrissur pooram exhibitions and in public get together orchestras,parties.I do not know the number of times,that I have done such programmes and I have received so much of applaud,trophies and awards. I was selected by my teachers and friends[Ashish Abraham and Richard Joy]for artistic ,poetry,dramas,mimicry and have got many prizes including first prizes for dramas and singing; even for singing tamil,hindi songs.During dramas,my characters that I played were,teacher,chief minister,partner.My classmate and friend named Ashish Abraham, introduced me into all these artistic activities, so I could express,but he is no more now.He died in the year 2012. Every person in my class called me "he is absolute deer or girl'.Some people says that Harris looks like a pure white north Indian muslim guy.Due to less marks and less knowledge in Maths for me,and due to language speaking problem and due to no one understood me and due to increased sex frustration,I used to to cover and paste my face with wet charcoal powder,from the kitchen and sit and pray to Jesus and Mary,during my teenage time.I started to think all is happening to me like this because of glowing white color of my face,So.I entered to plus two pre degree class with failure in Maths subject exam,and I had to do re-say exam,to get into plus two class.After plus one started in our school,in 2005,new students came from Ernakulam to Thrissur school,and one of them name Varun Vallabhan, doubtedly asked me,during a evening class that Harris,are you gay?!!,whispering in my ears.So I asked him,GAY.What's that?Is it a name of a cow?I thought he were asking about GAAY[hindi word for cow].He did not answer me.He was speaking to his another friend named Sugunan,that there we can find many gay boys in boy’s hostel,while we were travelling in an auto through M G Road Thrissur,during our plus two for special tution,at Combined college.So,I was thinking sitting in that auto looking angrily towards them,why thay were thinking like that.I was thinking whether they both,Varun and Sugunan were thinking that Harris is a white holy cow!!!!.That time when he said that word,then I am hearing this word for the first time.During my college time,in 2008,only,my hostel mates tried to experiment it on me.My biology miss,Ambilly ,called me personally,to the library of our school,in the year, 2005,after she saw me smiling continuously,when she and another teacher named Bibi miss[Bibi Cherian],were teaching us about male reproductive system to us,and she asked me what is your problem Harris with maths,you also have mingling problem.I told her ,I am thinking that I am different and smiled at her.So,she told me,she herself has got low marks in mathematics,so I told her it is not like that,I could not reveal my true identity and past to her and she thought that Harris is only from Thrissur and from nowhere else and she thought,I do not know what is your problem and she went away to her staff room,leaving me in the library,with Tony Thankachan,sitting beside me.Chemistry miss[guest lecturer,Looliya miss,who is a senior professor from St.Mary’s college,Thrissur,always sees my smiles and frustrations,during class time,and she says,”Harrisde illakuttitharam ithuvare maariyitilaa,lle,”means”that Harris’ chidish nature has not faded.”My Gladys mausi,when she visited our home at Chiyyaram told me your low marks,it will be okay.All is coming for good,she told me.During my pre degree classes[plus one and plus two],of our school,I joined choir singing of our Sevanalayam parish church at Chiyyaram,and many of them loved my songs,and many of them became jealous also.They made me the head of singing,but later I quit that group,because of overload of studies,overload devotion,and together with overload of love urge among old and new mates of mine, in my Thrissur school.Once,in plus two classroom, I passed motion in pants due to my anxiety and all,during the last period.The last period was Physics.I just farted .but the whole motion went into my pants and smell spread in the classroom.By the time,last bell rang,and after every children went outside,then only I got up from the seat and slowly slowly walked,covering my backside with my bag and took my cycle and rode it till my home,without attending medical entrance coaching centre classes,which was too boring also,because I do not go to the toilets in school and I did not know whether it is closed or not,during the late last period and when I reached my home which is 5 kms away from school,after riding on my cycle for 45 minutes,the cycle seat cover was covered by big big shining blacky flies.I told this incident to my mother,Gloria only and told no one else.The next morning,I washed and tidy my purple seat cover of my MTB 9000 cycle with surf excel and Dettol liquid solution,and I started to go in bus from the next day to pre degree college in Seventh Day Adventist Higher Secondary School.During my pre degree(plus two)final examinations,I got the mark 66,in Chemistry subject,exactly for what I proffesed for and it was the highest of my all other subject marks.Because of the mark in Chemistry,I got atleast first class in all plus two.All my classmates,then,were surprised,because all of them got only 52 percent like that and that I gained first class. My younger brother,Dennis,changed his school to St.Joseph’s school,near to our home,after getting distinction in all subjects in his tenth board exams from this school of Seventh Day Adventists,in Thrissur,in the year 2006.In 2006,May 25,I had went to Durg,Madhya Pradesh, near Bhilai, for writing medical entrance exam there;travelling alone,when for the first time many hijadas[wearing silk saree and lipstick and bindhi], came in the train and frightened me,catched me here and there and asked me for money.From then I always go the other side,when these hijadas come in front of me begging.Nowdays these hijadas become violent to us while asking money,when after they are drunk,and sometimes they steal money from young men like us,after calling us “are hero,salman khan,kuch tho dedho naa…”.I was leaving my family,because my birth place was there,but I failed the exam and came back to Thrissur.The medical test was in hindi language.I could not understand any of the scientific terms which was explained in the question paper in hindi language.Those times,we had only one landphone[which may be working or sometimes out of order,during long heavy rainy season]. While I went to Bangalore,and later,I thought,I am alone always,I do not have friends like everyone do,even I do not know how to talk freely to them.I never talked to them those times.I thought what will be my future,if I keep silent like this and who will help me,even if I need money ,I do not know the tact how to ask it from friends.I only had my parents and relatives with me in those times.If my parents go or leave me,then who will be with me,I thought.Nursing jobs gets less salary,and if I do not have job,and if my friends will have less salary,how could they help me,if they also have to look after their family indeed.While I was going to Bangalore college only,the old fashioned Nokia mobile was released into business,in India and was gifted by my daddy to me,but the mobile was not allowed to be used in the college,in Bangalore in the year 2007.Before going to Bangalore ,I knew my cousin sisters would find me a Shah Rukh Khan fan for me as a friend,because of my mingling problem and also because her birthday was hailing in the 2nd month of the year and also because my birthday is on 2nd of August and also because SRK's birthday is on 2nd of November and also because I was shy,crushy,imaginative and obsessive to see SRK movies during my childhood.I never watched his movies. And also because I had seen that unknown silent smiling girl in that train from Goa till Bangalore,whom I had not revealed to any of my mates,that times.One of my aunties named Mercy George had studied here in Bangalore here,but she stayed here,only for half an year and came back to Thrissur as told to me by my daddy.She got anxious by seeing my face,after I was born and she always cries,but, now she is very cheerful and leading a luxurious life,with her husband ,both in Thrissur and Dubai.Her both daughters are married and in higher positions and one of her daughter named Roshan Mary helped me to secure a job in Thrissur,after I came from London.Bangalore was a new place for me.I have always seen my family members helping each other,for any sort of things,like relation,love or even for materialistic things. My parents said me about this college in Bangalore; so I came here,but I did not like this subject to study; I mainly came here in Bangalore to follow my dreams of becoming an artist as a singer,model,actor.A model after motivated by seeing fashion tv during my teenage times and through experiences of my life. But I did not know how to start,or I did not know anything about model agency or whats happening in a model agency; and I was staying in the hostel, which was so strict that times,that we were not allowed to use mobile phones,internet,wifi,laptops or any sort of electric gadgets..So;it is impossible to think about that.I was also very lean and thin,skinny guy weak and with no musculate in my body,with a small goat beard on my chin and with lots of teenage pimples on my face,that times and other 67 boys with me were so grown ups and tough malayalam speaking south keralites.So; I thought first to complete my studies. Like that; after my plus two in 2006;I joined here in a malayalee management nursing college in Bangalore.The prinicipal studies psychology.The person is a post graduate in psychological subject.When I came to Bangalore for the first time on September 9th,morning,there was huge crowd of parents and students for admission process.We 3,my daddy,my mummy and me stood in the queue.We do not know who is the principal,is it man or lady or whether he or she is psychologist or not,we 3 do not know.My daddy everytime know everything whenever it is connected to me.Our chance to get into the Principal's A/c room,came.We entered. The principal was a lady.She looked us and told me and daddy to sit.She told about the college and boy's hostel details looking at me and daddy.My daddy told about me that Harris is a silent guy not too talkative and we family were from Goa,presently at Thrissur,Harris has been born in Bhilai in Madhya Pradesh,looking at my mummy he introduced her that she is my wife,Gloria.The principal said ok,she introduced herself saying her name.Then my daddy asked her for a bank forum filling for the details of my studentship in Bangalore college.Suddenly the principal's voice became raised,and she said what forum ,we don't do it.My daddy said it's needed madam.So,she responded no sir in malayalam language ,we do not do this,you can go and your son Harris cannot be admitted here.I was only 17 years old and I got frightened and said to my mummy that we can go from here.She started shouting and stood up.So,my daddy did not stop talking and he did not stand,but he kept sitting.We did not know that was her psychological approach to test us.My daddy understood what was the reason for this shouting,because of seeing Harris.He said,in a angry cold harsh yet very sincere and humble way that we have came too far from here and you are saying me,us to go.There's a minimum quality for which a principal should behave with the parents of the candidate.We just asked for our right.You are not even trying to listen that.How could we trust you and institution and leave our sons in this college hostel,if the principal is like this.There are many other parents waiting outside in queue.What will we say to them.Ok,then if it is like that then,we can go and he stood up from the seat and asked my mother to follow him with Harris.My mummy told daddy to stop and my mummy spoke decently to the madam.So,the madam asked my mother what's the matter and sat on her seat,and my mummy explained her about the need of scholarship of the sons of government officers,for their salary from the student loan clearence,because my mother worked in State bank Of India,Thrissur.So,the principal said ok,why daddy is shouting like this ,do he have any problem.She asked me like this.Till that time she was reading and examining my face and eyes which was full of fear and determination.After that she handover 3 of us to the adminstrator,by calling him through phone and said him to do whatever they needed.Then,I was enrolled in this college.I was happy,also excited because of leaving my family and going to stay alone for the first time.During the capping ceremony after 2 months in the college,my daddy and mummy and my brother visited her and while my brother was taking my photos in camera,my daddy cuddled her 3 year old son and spoke with the principal and my mummy was also there with her talking about her diabetes etc....Another thing that I want to say is,my mummy though,she had diabetes and was in control,she always worked hard for a living with my daddy.She is always a happy person like my daddy and from then after I sang songs in senior's farewell ,in Basavanagudi,our principal,Mrs.Rosamma, appreciated me and said to me to keep it up but I said no chances are getting so she said chances will come on the way.Sometimes,when she takes classes,she asks me why he is sitting moody always.That times,I did not have any personality of my own and I was very childish then,also I did not know how to act,even.I always said Nothing madam.I thought it was not my time to speak and I did not know how they will react.And whenever I go to office as everyone does,to pay fees,she asks me what's your problem?Do you have any problem?Or your daddy have any problem?But I again responded No madam,why are you asking like this?I am happy in college.Thankyou.So she let me go.Whenever I took extended leave for Christmas holidays,because of our Holy Family Church[Sevanalayam],church feast in Chiyyaram,Thrissur,which commences after christmas holidays on January 2 or January 6,I was directly told,by the adminstrator, to speak with the principal calling to her home in Bangalore,via telephone conversation.Before going abroad in London in May,2011,I went to Bangalore alone for receiving a transcript certificate from the college in Channasandra,so she was there and told the adminstrator to do the neccessary for him.She studied here in Bangalore and is very famous here,and owns many colleges here.The person knows every famous personalities here in Bangalore,personally.Everyone in my college ,boys especially called me a bomb.I was called by boys like Prajesh and Jithin,as my looks is alike actor Surya.I never admit their impression on me.Tony Thankachan,my Thrissur school friend, at last wrote me a letter to Bangalore boy’s hostel in January 2007,from Thrissur,writing about his caring about me,as a reply to the letter,that,I had wrote to him,7 months before from that day.The letter from him came to Bangalore college to me.I had already forgotten my identity,while I reached college boy’s hostel at Uttarahalli,Bangalore.And I do not know whether Tony Thankachan had other relations with other mates of my class.His home was near to Subhash B Menon’s home near Mannamangalam.Tony Thankachan is presently living and settled in America,with his mother and brother,Bony Thankachan.You all know what was that because,of language problem,change of stay,change of places,ignored by friends,abused by women at much younger age,an age lesser than 5,family diseases following my birth,used by everybody,anxious behaviour,even if perfect in all artistic activities,even if I won many 1st prizes for all poetry,dramas and singing,no one of my mates cared me,everyone saw in me a change maker,and everyone were in their own world.No one in my college,had helped me to know my identity.They never ask anything to me.Even if I ask anything about someone about himself,he just speak one word to me and then he used to go to another mate,when someone calls.Identity means,I could not make out myself,and I was confused whether I am a Chhattisgarhi,Goan or a malayali,now I had reached Bangalore.That time I had not taken any Identification card also.There were no election id,driving license id or any id was not owned by me.In the year 2011,only,after finishing my degree course in Bangalore, I started to get my own election voter card identification.Then tell me,what was the purpose and time for making friends for me.Was it the right time for me to make friends in Uttarahalli college boy’s hostel at Bangalore.I was among 87 boasty Malayalam slang speaking south keralites,most of them were from south.That times,I do not know any type of friendly love or brotherly love among boys.I never understand their boasty Malayalam south kerala slang.Even if those foolish boys think,that I understand them,while they speak,I never understand their language.I just respond ha ha[yes yes].So,they think that I understood them.Could I tell them,at this age,that I have language problem,after coming from Thrissur in Kerala to Bangalore!?Our hostel was like old hospital corridors that times.There were no cleanliness also,and in those times,we do not use even mobile phones.That time the old fashioned nokia mobile was used by our parents,and that too was prohibited in our hostel from the starting of first year,and no new technologies like whats app,facebook,instagram,you tube,ipad,wifi,laptop,was not used in our boy’s hostel or anywhere.Sometimes for 3 days,there will be no water to drink,or to do bathing.Tell me,could or should I make intimate friends in these conditions.I started my life among kannada speaking bangloreans,and I first time,started watching kites flying in the skies,a lots of kites roaming in the top air,when I look up from the 5th floor of our college terrace,at Uttarahalli. One kollam gnm course newly joined boy staying upstair of our college hostel started to call me while passing by me like “thrishurr…”. .Our first year boy’s hostel,in Uttarahalli,Bangalore,began with our big spacious room,on the 2nd floor,seen from the front way,and we as a group of 7 members in it including Unnikrishnan[Kovalan],Ditto[Pelayan],me[Harry],Adersh[Thambu],Nidhin S[Manichan,who likes Kalabhavan Mani],Paul[Thankamma] and Jijo[Prabhakaran],named our room as Pulikootil and I[Harry] was named as Pulikootil Charlie.I did not want my name like that,eventhough I was happy,while someone calling me like that,I could not match it with my past and present identity,but I was not able to convey my thoughts to them.Unnikrishnan loved me a lot,but he was not aware of my problem and he got crazy,and how could I tell my problem to him.My voice,sound was not able to come out from me,in the form of Malayalam or any other language.If I speak to them in hindi,how could they understand,my feeling.yet but,Unnikrishnan M D ,he enjoyed his boy’s hostel stay with other malayali boys.We were not allowed to use mobile phones also,because of girl’s safety purpose,simply say to prevent our malayali girls from the attack of boys in our college.In our college Rony Antony from Ramankari,Alappuzha,always tried to motivate and encourage me out of my loneliness.I had a new friend in my boys hostel,who lowered and help me to cope with my loneliness and he bought me a blackcurrent cream cake decorating it with my name on it with shared money from mates and he knew it's my birthday on August 2,2007 and he made me surprised by other mates at 12 am at night my screaming and wishing Happy birthday,while I was waking up from sleeping and he and his friends always sat near me and talked to others about daily news.His name is Ditto Davis.He wanted to know every secrets of Harris and sometimes I spend money for him and for his friend by buying him chicken biriyani and 1 bottle of beer for other mates like Ajulal,Jinson and Dipin and Ditto sometimes playfully and sometimes seriously fought with me and we travelled all together to home during one sudden onam vaccation in 2007 and he met my daady at Thrissur railway station together with other friends like Jinson and Paul and he also came to meet me at my home in Chiyyaram because his aunty's home is in Chiyyaram.I met him on the road side while it was raining heavily that day.He had came together with his aunty to her home ,so he visited me also.I did not know what to do,because for the first time,a mate is coming to meet me from Irinjalakuda,which is 30 kms away from Thrissur town,but actually he was using me for a little satisfaction.Ditto used to make me sing and practice that song called ‘Baliyaay Thirumunpil Nalkaam’.The first 2 years ,we were friends,but later he had to change his room,because of the circumstances and also because he got another south keralite as his best friend,but during the fourth year he came near me ,while we were finishing the college and again became intimate with me and while we were separated while we went home after farewell ceremony, I phone him and said good bye and said to him I do not think we will see again ,so he said bye.This friend is from Irinjalakuda,Thrissur.Also he was very childish and egoistic in nature,always talking talking.His lips and mouth always keep on moving.But,after again coming,to boy’s hostel,this ditto started to argue with me.I think he was negative and ferocious gay minded.He started to compare me with Unnikrishnan M D[a south keralite from Alapuzha,who is very talkative,like Ditto than other boys].And this Ditto started to avoid me,discussing it with this Unnikrishnan M D,and other batchmates started to behave with me like wise,like this.And this Unnikrishnan M D used this chance ,and used his friendship with Ditto.Eventhough,I knew everything,Ditto was directly telling to me about his deep friendship with Unnikrishnan M D.Why should he tell all these to me,whatever happened between two of them.Will someone[will you],make this sort of friend like Ditto who tells about his intimacy with somebody like Unnikrishnan M D,very happily and smilingly to me,as like he[Ditto],got satisfied of himself,with Unnikrishnan M D.I do not know every kind of boys in my boy’s hostel,were stupid behaving and immature acting like they do not know anything.I do not know,do they behave like that because seeing my face,or what. All of the boys from first year of college boy’s hostel,started to call me a ‘Vishudhan’.[saint].But,even if I liked them calling me like that,I did not want to be a saint for God’s sake.During 2007,our Royal college,Uttarahalli,sponsored a Malayalam film award show in Bangalore and our college also sponsored a Konkani Goan Samaj Celebrations in the stadium near M G Road,and we as newly joined students were allowed for free to take part in those celebrations with free rich feeling delicious food buffet and these programmes were highlighted in television channels those days  and we all were sent for one day picnic in Wonder La,in Bangalore and we all enjoyed there with many other college students also,during the starting of first year.My Bangalore boy’s hostel mates namely Unnikrishnan M D calls me Hara,another hostel mate Paul from Thrissur asked me why Harris,when you walk ,we cannot hear your footsteps,and everybody from my boy’s hostel,from my batch,right from the first year of my college,boys started to make cat meow sounds loudly,when I pass by them,quietly.Everyone were observing,why he is silent,why cannot he talk and express?What will I tell to them,if I do not know to speak to them!?I never spoke in a continuity manner.When someone ask me a question ,I will reply to them in one word.That was my response.My mind was in a wavering and heightened stage in my Bangalore boy’s hostel.I could not talk anything  freely,I do not know if it was the missing feeling of intimacy with my mates,because of my problems like school far away from home,and no friends from nearby my home to school,new place ,shifting of places,language problem,anxiety and also because I am from a hindi speaking background.I never even spoke to strangers,like I do now.One of the nursing tutor,in my Bangalore college,name Jitty,a south kerala,boasty malayalam slang speaking lady was asking me during her community health nursing class,why should Harris need this much height.I did not understand why is she asking like that. It was tough for me to leave my family.I never smiled whole heartedly during my first 3 years of my college. My parents had already spent more than 12 lakhs in this college for my education,by that year in 2009,like others,which was different from the less fees of other nursing colleges compared to ours.The principal and the management were very curious about me,wanted to know about me as I always remained silent in hostel,yet I sang a farewell song for my seniors during the first year at Basavanagudi stage with music and all the senior brothers,girls studying there,became fans of mine and senior brothers called my mother in Kerala and told her thankyou for the song,that your son has sung the best ever song ,they have ever heard.The song was 'Inniyum mizhikal nirayaruthe',a kalabhavan mani song which is not picturized in that Ben Jonson movie.Every seniors were attracted to me,everyone,but,I was never attracted to them.I was very simple,lean and do not know how to talk.I was very silent with oily long hair and everyday I used to call my home and speak to my mother and always complained to her about strict hostel life.I also did not know anything about whats love and ignorant about bro-like friendly love but the seniors usually came to my room and slept.They went from the college,But,I became silent again and complained about my malayali batch mates to the management. After,they had gone,our boy's hostel,was striked by an epidemic,that is,chicken pox,many and lots of boys got chicken pox infection,and many of them suffered,with pimples,high temperature,and anorexia,and all of the boys took train ticket and went home for one or more month,taking leave from classes in college.I was chicken pox,immunity gainer,because I had already got chicken pox[VARICELLA],while I was in Goa,in there,during my second standard and because of that, I remained happy at college,all alone.So,that was also a reason for every boys to become jealous of me.This principal asked me particularly that what is your problem and why are you sitting moody in class times?!I did not tell her that I had stomach gas problem.How could I say that to her,while standing in the principal room!? I said 'nothing ma'am'.I do not want to openly tell my dreams and problems to anyone.I was only 17 years old then and do not know the other local slangs of malayalam language as everyone ,70 boys in my batch and other seniors were malayalee students.I was very excited and nervous in the boy's hostel.I do not want to share my dreams,or grief of leaving my family,or about my language problem.I was very silent.You all cannot even imagine it.It was a nightmare to me.In Bangalore,every malayali mates, do not know what my past is or from where am I really from,so they think,because Harris is angry,he is sitting silent and alone!!!Eventhough during First and second year of our Bangalore college,we go outside for hanging out ,roaming with boys together, however,the last two years of our Bangalore Channasandra college,I roamed and travelled in Bangalore,alone,confused, without talking to anybody,because I forgot and do not know about my past and myself because I have not shared it with anyone in Bangalore.And I could not tell my whole past life from the beginning, the whole essay,to make them understand in their form if Kerala malayalam slang of the new Kerala boys.It would be too exhaustive and complicated to explain the whole story of mine life to them in the year 2007,which I came to know fully what is it about recently only.Whenever,I bring any delicious pickle like beetroot pickle,dates pickle[eenthapazham achaar],or food from home,which had been made by my mummy,to hostel,these malayali boys,particularly,five of them,asks me,is this poison that you are bringing for us,and that they do not want it.So,I one day,when my mummy brought me pickles from home,I threw all that food including unniyappam,at night in the Channasandra valley with all my fiery tears,while travelling through the moving auto to Channasandra hostel,and I told this incident to my mother calling to her home,and told her never to send any food items to me,from then onwards,even if they come to visit me in Bangalore. I have never been encouraged by my hostel boy mates and I never known what peace and happiness is,in those times in Bangalore.They did not mingle with me,only because I could not express my feelings. My malayali batch mates says that I looked alike Rosamma madam’s cousin[naathun],Seena Jose madam.But I never knew that she has ,fluent language proficiency than me.

Rosamma madam likes Mammooty’s acting so much,and she asks,that you all likes only actors like Jayaram.Rosamma madam is a Mammootty fan too. Our Rosamma madam’s birthday is on January 21st.Everybody in my college,particularly boys  hated our principal,Mrs.Rosamma,because they were considering her, want more and manly behaviour.I had an insight about it,but,I could not express like that comments towards our tutors,because of my Malayalam slang language problem.I never spoke any bad about any of the persons sitting in the management,because I had no need to speak bad about anyone,because I myself,was feeling very weary and incapable,because of my language expressing problem.This problem was making me emotional day by day.I do no know what all bad things are thought about me,by others.I had also not started to properly masturbate with my own hands,because it was very painful while I retract my foreskin downwards,due to my Phimosis constricted skin problem of mine,and I never do group masturbation of my weenie,with any of my batch mates.I think that is why they were angry at me.How will I tell them that I have phimosis in my weenie,after reaching my 19th years of age,when I do not know what Phimosis is in those times?During my third year ,I have bunked my hostel,from college and book tickets for Om Shanti Om to see it on the next day at PVR Cinemas,in forum mall,and my thrissur and kollam room mates and hostel mates get panicked simply,not seeing Harris in the room,even it was late night at 10 pm,at Channasandra.I got into the hostel by the help of another GNM,Thrissur management boy mate,with the help of Alappuzha warden. I also sang the 'Ajab Si' song on celebrations, with music.And,starting of the third year was the starting of calling malayalam bad language words like[thayoli,thanthayila thayoli],loudly calling and addressing me by my own batch mates,whenever I walk passing by them, in front of teachers and in front of the girls of my batch.I never knew the meaning of those words,those times,so I did not respond them.Do any of your batch mates did it to you,like this?During 3rd year of our college in Bangalore,there were several malayali boys[[particularly 5 of them],came at night while I was sleeping and alone at room,in the boy's hostel of Channasandra,who used me for their satisfaction of saddistic sexual pleasures without my consent and permission,and after that they gave me emotional torture,by telling to others[juniors] about the experience with Harris and commenting about me in groups and laughing, while I go downstairs to eat food.From then I started to stop eating food,and told my other previous trustworthy room mate to bring food for me to room or otherwise I eat from outside.He brought me food for two days,then I told him not to bring food,and I told him that I will eat food from outside,from then.Remember ,sadistic,they were not intimate with me,they were just coming to my room,being naked in front of me or with me and just go out of the room,after one minute.I could not understand anything.Then they will not be with me,and go on telling any sort of things about Harris,looking at me and staring at me during dinner time or classtime,that is not even applicable to me.First of all they do not know anything about me.It was not me ,who saw myself as negative.I always controlled my mind and lead my life positively.They were who saw me as a negative and continued themselves to be negative.And can you tell these sort of negative minded batch mates of mine,how can I be with them,if they are like that not being with me.For this,God will make all of them suffer.Yes,because it happened like this.There was a south Indian actress and item dancer named Silk Smitha,during our childhood times,in Malayalam movies,whom young men of that times were fond of and crazy with watching her dance and acting,so my Thrissur college mate in Bangalore says to me,Silk Smitha is a person who acts in negative bad movies and Aishwarya Rai acts in good movies. Sanu Sunny Maamen also got beaten up by Channasandra local villager[with big gym body and height],in front of our boy’s hoste,near the temple,while it was Ganesh Chaturthi festival going on,and the procession was going on.Sanu without permission of the hostel warden,got out from the hostel that night and right in front of our boy’s hostel,he just danced with the local Kannadigas and just hit strongly with this person on his body.The person started to fall down,and this local person slapped strongly on Sanu’s face,and then started all beatings.Sanu also started to slap that local person.And all the local people started to throw stones to our hostel building,and all our window glasses broken.We switched off the lights,as been ordered by the head of the management.I also shouted at Sanu to come up,calling his name,using my whole energy,from the 4rth floor,because he comes to our room to talk and sit with me.We were ordered from the management to put off the lights of the hostel.This local person who beat Sanu,was a released convict for murder before 2 months of that day and he was in jail for 5 years  and next day this incident of local Kannad person with Sanu became police case,but our principal,Rosamma settled the case because she was also from Alappuzha,from Sanu’s place only and as she also took part in conspiracy against me with Sanu,because she know my language problem with Sanu’s south Kerala language.Why should I be with someone,who misjudge me in a group. During hostel times in Bangalore all the boy mates used to say to me that Harris’ eyes is very bad to see,when Harris looks at us.I liked their comments,like this which is somewhat true,about my eyes.If two people should be intimate with each other,there must be something common between or among them,like walking together,sharing their day to day activities,eye contact,same language,knowledge of each other’s likes.They were not atleast of this type.I only knew about this hostel life in Bangalore,and every malayali boys started to respond to me,that no one should work in Bangalore,and Bangalore is a bad and dirty place.So,I also believed like that and went back,but inside me,someone tells me,that Harris should come back to Bangalore,once,to enjoy the reality of Bangalore,with genuine reason.Once my room mate in Bangalore boy’s hostel named Paul,who is from Thrissur,asked me why do not you Harris,you do not show and express your valour and beauty,outside the world!? I had revealed and  told once in Bangalore college boy’s hostel,in the year 2009,to that Thrissur guy,that I would be famous through facebook,but he did not accept me while I spoke to him like that,and he said to me,”angannyonnum aarkkum famous aavaan patilaa.”[no,like that no one could become famous.].So,I asked him,”Why,I could not?”.But I knew I would put my photos starting from my childhood and my story will be published online,but not that time,but later,when correct time comes. My mates tells me if Harris was born as a girl,it would be more good,yes,it is okay even if they say like that,but,if they are thinking like that,why could not they be with me. I was placed in a small room alone ,because 6 sharing room were all filled up and I became the 7th extra one ,so I was in a room alone in Channasandra boy’s hostel,near to the temple,and the 5 boys namely Nidhin S,Unnikrishnan M D,Vinod R S,Ditto Davis,Sajan Thomas who used me for their sadistic sexual pleasures,planned to make me isolated for more than 2 days,and they together with the help of another batch mates of mine named Mahesh M Nair and a senior management boy locked my room from outside ,when I was inside and at that time there were no lights or ventilation in the room and for 2 days I could not go outside to class or I did not even do toileting or urinating ,but I passed motion and urine in my locked room itself and the smell was spreading all over the boy’s hostel and even if I banged the room door,to open and to help me from here,nobody even noticed and the room was near to junior’s rooms,they also and the management did not care about it.My batch mates did this to me and when teachers asked about Harris’ absence,they said that Harris gone to home at Thrissur on leave.I was too thin and weary that time and I was starving.If your all batch mates did like this to you,what will you do,you will keep quiet,right?Did I do this much big mistake that they did to me like this?And after 2 days ,they opened the door for me and let me outside and I myself cleaned the room as no cleaning staffs usually came to clean our rooms in our hostel those times,and I started to go to college as usual,as if nothing had happened.Was it justice,was it satyameva jayate?Our teachers asked my batch mates,why do you do this to your class mate,why could not you all encourage him,and asked everyone what’s the problem with you all?After this incident only,gay rights and freedom of love was established,legalized and issued in India by the constitution in the year 2009.Then only,I seriously started to think about this,was it because of me.After my family visited me one day at Bangalore,in Channasandra,together with my brother.They talked with my hostel mates,and I told about this Ditto Davis[whose birthday is on January 28,1989],to my daddy and mummy,after we took a SBI quarters  room,at Cottonpet,to share family time.I told them that,I liked him,but he is giving me so much emotional torture,that I cannot stay in that hostel and college anymore and I sighed and cried in agony.My daddy knew that Ditto Davis had came to meet Harris that day during vacation in Chiyyaram in first year of our Bangalore college in 2007.My daddy told me it will be okay.I was not in a situation to tell goodbye,to my daddy and mummy,while boarding 210 NH blue-white bmtc bus from Kempegowda bus station[majestic],that night.My daddy was waving his hand to me,calling me Harris, from the bus station,while the bus was about to move from there,because they told me they are not coming,when I asked whether they were not coming  to there in Channasandra,again,because it is too late,and that daddy had to go for duty next day,and the train is on schedule from Bangalore to Thrissur.But,I did not respond to my daddy’s waving,for the first time and I put my head down,and turned my head to the other side,as if I did not see his call and waving me. I did not tell my family,the whole incident,for whatever happened fully in that Channasandra hostel.My daddy became so confused without getting my response,while he waved his hand to me,while the bus was moving from the bus station.But,he had hope.After one week,a group of boys which includes Ditto Davis was shifted to another hostel,above our Subrahmanyapura college block. One day this sadistic Ditto Davis,planned together with Sanu Sunny Maamen,and by their erotic thinking,they sprayed and ejaculated their,all semen fluid,under the bench,where I usually sit,and I did not know what is that,and the next morning,I sat there,itself,the whole day,till finishing of my evening class. I thought it was some curd curry fallen down,so I put a paper over it and kept my feet over it and sat there continuing my class.And this Ditto Davis was looking at me like he himself had done something mischevious to me but he did not reveal it to me.Some offensive smell was coming and I was getting headache.No one other were bothered about my situation.I think this Ditto Davis do not have a sense,for what  I[Harris] feels when Harris loses a friend.Why was he doing all these to me,I do not know,is it for destroying myself.Is he sadistic?Do not he have shame of accusing someone like me.Because of this Ditto Davis,I started to think,every boys are of the same kind like Ditto Davis.And I started to think every malayali boys are like this,hurt giving boys.During vacation when I visited Vendore,my daddy’s brought up home at Thrissur,I had already brought a set of bangles and a stoned necklace for Nimmi,from Bangalore and planned to give her,when I will reach here in Vendore and my agana aunty welcomed me,she told to me how you were in Bangalore,who knows.I gave my gift to Nimmi.First time,I am gifting something to her,so she got satisfied.By the time,somebody came in the bike in front of our home gate.A girl was coming,after waving her hands to the biker boy.When I asked Nitin,my cousin brother,he told me that it is Mini,Nimmi’s friend.And he told me that Mini’s brother,Romi,is the biker boy and Romeyo is a Shah Rukh Khan fan,too,I said okay. Once my village friend,Liro Simon,told me,when he came to my home outside to visit me,that he had seen Anushka shetty,who is very tall model and actress.He had went to get training in Yoga,in Hyderabad,so she,Anushka Shetty was there as a tutor for Yoga,I asked this incident to Anushka recently,through messenger,her adminstarator received the message,but I do not know,whether, both of them,know each other,even now,more,rather than yoga tutor-student relation.I asked him,yah,Anushka,that actress,did you see her in real.That times her movie songs were played in television.Later this Liro Simon was the one who called me to watch this Arundathi movie of Anushka Shetty in the year 2010,for second show,at Sapna theatre,after finishing my college.Liro Simon is a gold worker and he is a speed biker too.Towards our 3rd year and 4rth year of this college,our college provided us 6 sharing congested dark rooms with no ventilation.During the last year before final examinations,when it was study vacation,I was returning back ,because our room door was locked and everyone went for eating food and I did not get food ,so I thought to go to the terrace for a while and I saw my fellow room mate coming to the room,his name was Abhiash S B who hails from Thiruvananthapuram and he looked at me and asked me in a raised voice for the first time that why are you Harris looking at me in angry way and I said nothing and he followed me and this south Indian keralite struggled me with a fight and I tried to block him and run away and he again came behind me, pulled my shirt in the balcony and I tried to choke him by catching his neck tightly,he in return tried to catch my neck,but I pushed him aside and tried to go upstairs,my plates and all fell down but he stood up again and hit me directly to my forhead with our room key on his fist.He was suffering from high blood pressure and due to the hit, lots of pure dark red blood poured out,forming a mountain over my forehead,and scattered all over the floor and on my cream white shirt from the pierced point and I tried to sit on the step and started to become unconscious during a sunny afternoon.He had food but I did not have food because the food was over.My another fellow class mate named Shanu Varkey was on the way to his room after having food and he saw this and took me to the nearby D G Hospital immediately ,by lending his shoulder to me ,in a auto and he paid my whole expenses and the doctor asked "How it happened?"So,we both said by hitting on the wall to avoid any further police investigation,as earlier informed by Shanu Varkey.But it was Shanu Varkey’s number on me because of my language problem,if I had said the original incident happened to the doctor,this Abhilash would have suffered prisonary,because he was the one who initiated the fight,and I would have more confident to do my job,right when I finish my college,and I would not have suffer  like this as I suffer today.I should not have forgiven him,for doing to me like this.It was only because Shanu Varkey said to me like this to forgive him.Now you say,will you all forgive someone who did like this to you!?The culprit was laughing at me after the incident seeing my 6 stitches on my forehead, but my daddy called from my home and gave him nice warning.They did not know who initiated and started the fight and If I become unconsious and died ,then also they all might have laughed like this.The management knew everything about this and they were laughing and drinking liquor after hearing this incident.That was our final exam time,that too last year of our Bangalore college.Strange type of management,friend. If Sanu got caught with a police case,our principal,Rosamma,could settle the case.And if Abhilash hit me and I was at the brim of my death,then I should not make it a police case.Is it a common justice? I have never seen such a management in my life.No one accepted me,even I was doing good.Even at job place at that time,in my view.I am saying this which happened in the year 2010.But later many changes were coming upon me. That time,this Rosamma madam’s father Joseph died of sudden cause,because of her want more attitude.I can surely say her father’s death is all because of her want more attitude. Sajan also got nice beating from all the batch mates in Bangalore and he took leave to Kottayam,Kerala after being admitted in hospital for 8 days,after these incidents which was caused to me,by my batchmates.All were telling that because Sajan Thomas did chugli to them saying about Harris,they all did to this to Harris,so my batch mates,everyone punished Sajan Thomas.This fatty blackish,ugly,Sajan was a very religious orthodox because his family all of them belongs to priest groups,and together with that he has an ill minded malayalee attitude, who judge some one wrongly and one who spread unacceptable rumors about someone,without knowing anything about that someone.Sajan will suffer again,I say,Harris says,because of his black color complex and hypocrisy.Who all else got beating from others,watching my sufferings in boy’s hostel,I do not know.One thing now also,I get laughing,for what my room mate ,Paul,used to tell like a joke to my hostel mates,to make them laugh,that how Harris’ kerala banana[kaaya] chips eating sound was hearing to himself,when he was going to the bathroom,one night,from our attached shared room.He thought it was some rats grinding on some bag,while he heard the munching and crunching sound[karamura].While he put on the light,Harris was sitting on the bed,with closed eyes,sleepy,covered by blanket and with mosquito net covered.My bed was beside the roadside window that time during first day of our first year in our Royal college,Bangalore.I was 17 year old boy,only.Every hostel mates came to know about this. My mummy had a friend called her Harsha,during her college and job days,at Gujarat,and she show me her photo,when I was a child,she my mummy sitting with Harsha aunty.So,I thought ,who is this lady,she is looking very beautiful,like actress Nargis.I started to like Aishwarya Rai,when I once saw her acting in movie Taal,in the year 1999,when me together with my family visited my mummy’s chotti aunty Regi’s family in Gandhinagar,Gujarat,when my mummy’s aunty took us all for a noon show at a theatre in Ahmedabad.We all in our family,became emotional,so emotional,after watching that movie.I always started to think,from my teenage,why Aishwarya did not get an award for her acting as Mansi in Taal movie.That is ok.I was inspired the theme of the movie Taal,that is,Do not fall in love,but Rise in Love.And after that,while I saw the movie Hum dil de chuke sanam,in my home,putting a Video Casette Recorder[VCD],in 2000,after when my daddy’s amma and appa,both died in the year 2000,I was again admired by her acting,while watching it at late night,before sleeping at my dining hall of my home in Chiyyaram,Thrissur.Then,when she acted in movie Josh and then later the song released which was in 2006,Barso re,when I reached Bangalore college hostel,when I started to listen it in Radio 1 fm in Bangalore,I again liked her also after watching the music video,Crazy kiya re,but after she married,Abhishek Bacchan,in the month April,of the year 2007 or 2008,I do not remember correctly,I started just to be far away from her and just hated her,but I was fond of her willingness and confidence even after her marriage with Abhishek Bacchan and also after her first delivery of a child and after their family named the new child,Aaradhya .But,when she acted a vulgar scene with Ranbeer Kapoor in a new released movie in 2015,I never watched that movie,when together with Bajirao Mastani was released,I started to think,who is Aishwarya Rai,I never knew her before.But,today also,I like her Taal movie acting.The movie Taal is so precious to me.My mother was the first person to show me this new actress,when I went home for vacation,from Bangalore to Thrissur.That time,I did not understand whether Deepika is from bangalore or about my age.I thought she is a new actress who is more aged and older than me. During my Thrissur school days;in history classes,the teacher named Sathyaneshan sir[who converted from Roman Catholic to Seventh Day Adventists] ,Sosamma miss’[maths and English teacher’s] husband,taught us about,'Mastani',the 2nd wife of Peshwa who was from Madhya Pradesh and a good court dancer,singer,warrior.When I heard that name 'Mastani' from Madhya Pradesh,something like light flashed in my mind.That time ,I thought.,I also sing,dance, and I am also from Madhya Pradesh born in Bhilai on 2.8.88[2nd August,1988].But,I did not tell this to anyone. I do not know whether my mummy or daddy knew about Mastani before,studying in their history classes.I dreamt of becoming like a personality like her,who loved her partner very much.I thought in my mind,my mummy could not accomplish her work as an actress,so she could have played the character Mastani,so why should not I as a being play my life character as Mastani. During Maths classes,I always uses my geometry box,and turn the compass like I am in the centre of it[the sharp point on the book or bench],and the world or me is revolving[rotating],around the centre[axis].So,I imitate being Mastani the dancer,warrior and singer and I rotate myself speedily,as if I control my life. My whirling round happily will be by moving my both feet and legs touching on the marble floor,at my home,very speedily,tapping my feet on the marble floor,very speedily and turning round like a wind.


Every body in my class,every boy in my class do this compass rotating by using pencil to draw something on paper.But,me usually rotate the compass instrument without pencil speedily and slowly,pointing on the desk or on the paper,and imitate it myself,after school,at home at evenings,in my dining hall.I built up my personality like that,who is a singer and dancer and beautiful and brave,who longs for a friend or partner,and I smile to my heart’s content while whirling round from here and there,and sometimes tears falls down,with happiness,and after whirling,I just sit on my Dhiwan sofa  at the dining hall,where our holy family prayer room is also situated.Yes,.I was a school boy,dance like round and round till I faint and get ringing sensation ,sang to hindi,tamil songs,at home,after school,in front of my mother,and brother,and played harmonium in front of my daddy together with him and danced, like round and round in circles,and I tried to teach dance to my cousin sister,Nimmi,when I went to Vendore in Thrissur,but she got a shy feeling while practicing dance with me. Chandran mash,my sing tutor[mash],always tells to nimmi,to see harry and like this you should sing.My grandmother,both daddy's and mummy's amma name is Rosy.My dad's mum died on 8-3.2000; and also my mum's mummy's birthday is on 8th of March on Women's day.I had a junior mate,a malayali,but a native of Madhya Pradesh; who asked for sharing my room, but had to stay outside in Channasandra in Bangalore. He died in a bike accident in 2013; but I knew his death in the year 2015.Till finishing degree college,I have never spoken Malayalam language fluently and I had never started to drink alcohol[wine,whisky,beer].I have no bad habits like smoking ciggarettes,tobacco chewing; that can lower my health status.I just do not like those habits.I drink 2 glasses of beer and a glass of heritage wine,sometimes a peg of whisky once in 2 months,nowadays;which I believe a little amount prevents heart ailments and prevents from causing obesity.I love a lot of non veg foods which include veg foods also.I like eating lots of fruits.I only said goodbye to Ditto and Ajulal,only and I had already booked my bus ticket to Thrissur in Shama Luxury bus.When I talked to ditto through phone,as I said before,to tell him goodbye,while he was on his way to Irinjalakuda,through train from Bangalore,the bus reached Corporation bus stand or Madiwala bus stand, of Bangalore.I do not remember.I was astonished and shocked to see Abhilash S B,Reju Jayan,and one another batch mate,boarding the bus from that stop.They were sitting in the front seat for my sake,God’s sake.I was sitting towards the last row.It was better for me and them to sit in different seats,otherwise the travel to Thrissur would have been a massacre.While I was getting down at Mannuthy at Thrissur,they were acting sleepy or they were sleeping tightly in the first row of the bus.I got down,there,at early morning,when it was still dark.When I reached home,after when I called daddy through STD phone call,to his mobile,and after which he came to pick me up in his car to home,I was getting a relieving feeling from my torture history from my batch mates.I was very happy when I reached home,like I got a new life.The happiness was unlike the times I come to home for 10 days vacations from Bangalore[and to return again after the holidays finish]. After, completion of Nursing Course in Bangalore,I went to London for a change feeling, so that I could survive out of my depressed feelings,or to cool my mind.From this time,wherever ,I go ,malayalam movie started to release accordingly,like Francisyettan and the saint[pranchiyettan movie based on Thrissur culture area,telling a story of a common rich man,named Francis,whose enemy is Jose Chiyyaram,who is a doctor working in Westfort Hospital,Thrissur and this school enemy of his,stole Francis’ girl friend named Dr.Omana,who is also a doctor  in Thrissur Westfort hospital,Francis[Ari Pranji], who did not get Padmashree Award,after several attempts to be famous,after which he saw the Saint Antony in real while praying to his God,b got an intelligent and beautiful girl named Padmashree as his life partner,and another Malayalam movie,Arundathi,which was released in Kerala on September,2010,after I came to Thrissur from Bangalore finishing the degree course,the movie which I saw with a friend in my village,Chiyyaram.so,I started to think,"Who am I?". I thought that,I am not a girl,then why  should everyone behave with me like this,like I should act like a girl who dances.And in my inside,in real,and in my imagination,I became a woman who is pure in heart,though I am a number one gentleman boy.Those times from September 2010,I was being trained to work in Wesfort Hospital,like a nurse does,but I was not much intrested in those jobs,because of my incomplete fullfillments in my college life in Bangalore.Because of instability and less intrest to do a job as a nurse in a hospital,I went from there,earning some 3300 INR ,in 3 months of my trainee work,on December 4,2010.Many of my friends smiles and says,Harris,you have some increased sexual urge and frustration,when you are surrounded by good looking girls and boys,in a favourable situation,so do some remedy.I was sent to Jordania silent retreat centre to take part in it for 4 days.Me with hesitation took part in it.The Sister Abhaya case,accused,Fr.Jose Puthrakayil had also came there to take part in it.We as a group,did not notice him first,amidst the prayers and songs.Before one day of finishing the retreat,he came in the front and introduced himself.Everyone got startled and surprised.He might have been thinking these whole time,why do not anyone recognize him.Everyone were in a prayerful and peaceful circumstance.I was sitting in the front row,in the front first seat,on that unlucky day.He was talking to the audience looking at me,staring at me.I do not know,why should he stare at me,and the sister,who came to talk ,[after his introduction and his confession],was also looking and staring at me. The priest was telling to all of us that he is falsely accused by the crime investigators.I thought,is there this much speciality on my face!Why should he and that nun stare at me.May be they have frightened by looking at my face.That is why.I was little bit anxious,by their staring towards me.After that,on the last day,those who came to take part in the retreat should place one’s right hand over any partner’s head,and should pray for each other.This Jose puthrakayil achan came in front  of me,and told me to place my right hand over his head,and he inturn put his right hand over my head and we both prayed for each other ,for more than fifteen minutes,while other retreat attenders were doing the same in the retreat hall.That time was blessing time from Preshith,with annavellam[anna water or holy water].My mind was blank while placing my hand over the priest’s head,truly say.I was praying for myself,at that time.For the first time,it was happening to me on that day,so closely met with someone who is all over the news and media.After finishing the retreat,I came back to home,and left the place,as fast as possible, together with other attenders.I was excited to know more about him,but I had already reached my home at Chiyyaram and I told this incidence,to my daddy and mummy.They were not surprised.Then,after two weeks,I began to fulfill my desires,which I could not do before going to Bangalore.I started to see new released movies with Chiyyaram village friends and started to make new friends ,like communicating wise and observation wise,while going to Ernakulam in train at early morning from Thrissur and also while coming back in train,after studying IELTS[International English Language Testing System] course.I started to hear Justin Beiber songs released that time,but my revenge for whatever happened in Channasandra boy's hostel,was in me,inside me.It was Jibi’s marriage time on 25th of May in 2011,my cousin’s marriage at Kodakara.My female  cousin,Jibi told me that,Harris looks like one of her college friend,who is very silent.Once,before going to London,in 2011,I sat in front of the family computer and seen g porn movies ,repeatedly and felt asleep and I forgot to close the tabs.In the morning,when my daddy checked the open computer,he happened to see all the porn movies,variety,line by line, that I had watched continuously and he said to my mummy that no daddy do not want to see any porn movies.Then he was laughing at me and he took me for a family picnic till poomala dam,near Athani in Thrissur,where our disputed home is on construction.I was very sleepy,because I did not sleep watching these movies and when my daddy saw it,I got a fizzy,wonder,shy and fuzzy feeling.My younger brother was laughing at me seeing this drama.My daddy usually makes me massage his body and limbs, with oil or simply,when he comes after his tiresome duty,at evenings, in bike to home,and how relaxed he get after my touching massage on his legs and backbone,he also cannot explain and I also cannot explain,while he lay there on the bed.My mummy and agna aunty always becomes happy when me[Harris],is seen with his daddy. Before going to London,as my birth certificate is written in Hindi language,so for clarification,my daddy and mummy decided to make  an affidavit of my birth certificate making my birth place to Thrissur in the year 2011,in English language,for United Kingdom[England],verification[Indian citizenship].Later after coming from London,I did not want my origin,to be vanished away suddenly,so I tore the fake birth certificate of mine in Thrissur,after explaining the reason to my mummy and brother several times.I passed the International English Language Testing Exam with score all together 6.5.The morning,when I was about to board the London Emirates flight via Dubai,I took a blood test for medical fitness for crossing to London,at Metropolitian hospital,in the early morning time at 10 am or some other time.I was with my daddy.While one old nun took my blood ,inserting a lot into my venous body,I looked into it,when she was drawing my blood in the 5 ml syringe,in the crowd.I just fainted suddenly,after getting nauseated feeling.My daddy made me place my head over his lap and fetched me a mango juice.Then I got alright and came to my senses.Before getting into flight to London from Kochi,I met Mohan Sithara,at night,7 pm ,who lives with his wife and mother, in our street at backside of my home at Chiyyaram.I asked him for a chance in movie to be a playback singer.He said to me that because you are ready to go to London,go there and come back,then we can look into it.I told my karate master,Shaju and their family,also,that I am leaving from here to London,that night,when I went to their home for the first time.He was surprised by seeing me in front of their home,and from then he everytime asks about me[first son of Joseattan].My whole family came to the Nedumbaasheri airport,with all my cousins,to bid me farewell.After sending me inside,I do not who ever did cry,seeing me going upstairs via accelelator steps to the flight boarding point. But my parents,relatives or mates,have not try to tell very bad about myself to public as like which happened in Bangalore college hostel.On the way to London,I met Smt.Kalpana,Shri.Jagadeesh and Shri.Kochupreman and Sri.Kottayam Nazeer,who were going for a programme in London.Kalpana chechie talked about me to others,in the same flight,next to my seats.She talked to me,after landing in London Heathrow airport.After,I came to Chhattisgarh,later only,I heard about her sad demise in the year 2016.It was 9 hour journey.The emirates flight flew over Middle East,Syria,Rome and Germany,and finally reached London Heathrow airport carrying 25 of malayali students from Kochi,together with other passengers.A London taxi was sent for us from the London college university and the driver spoke to us.He was from Sudan.And he dropped us with our luggage in front of a London home,where an Israeli couple were staying.We were all allowed to stay on the first floor[deck] of their home.It was lovely staying there.Nice cozy bed,nice kitchen,backyard with apple trees,blueberry trees,nice and neat bathroom with carpets on the floors.First 2 months,when I reached London,I stayed there in Wembley-Willesden near Harrow,the London home which is addressed as 1,Lewis Crescent,Willesden,NW10,something with pin code like that.I do not remember,near to the traffic signal,where an English teenage boy met with traffic accident in that year of 2011[the boy’s photo was placed on the highway remembering his death],near to which,where my friend Renid was staying an working,at Harrow.He is my mummy's colleague's son also.He helped me a lot with money,food,stay,friends,playing cricket and  games and all.He is now married and staying there,itself.During night,while it was still bright daylight at 9 pm,me with my flight travel mates,went and visited an another friends[who were from Kochi],home,and they offered us a good meal that night with pork curry and rice with 2 pegs of whisky,because it was our first day there in London,and we had not purchased any food items to cook at home.After that at 11 pm,while it was chilled frozen climate outside,we went for shopping at Tesco Super market,near to Willesden park,and we shared our money and returned to home,at Lewis Crescent.At Wembley,I took a black ticket from a English man,while he was offering it to me, in June and seen the UEFA Football World cup in the famous Wembley Football Stadium ,which was situated near the home where I was staying,but the Switzerland-England game became a draw.A huge crowd was there to see it.I took a Lyca mobile sim card at once I reached there.It was still daylight in there in London,till 10 pm.I also took an oyster travel card recharging it for five pounds daily.After getting job,towards last of June,I stayed there in Horsham, near Brighton beach at south London.I stayed there in 24,Bishopric Court,West Horsham,West Sussex. At Horsham,I worked there in part time basis,2 days work,in a week,9 hours a day,and next 2 days in college,travelling to Central London.Mostly I got night duties to work alone with 7 aged dementia patients,who had memory loss.And together with that I had part time job In Sony CD packing company,mostly night duties at Southwater,from 8 pm till 6 am morning,we all together should stand for the whole night till morning,and pack new released CDs like Cars 2,speedily for next day packing.It was Christmas special jobs for all Londonites.Sometimes,we get tired and sleepy and sleep while standing and working the whole cold nights packing CDs,in the speedily moving machines and while the English boss notices this,he will shift our workplace to next deck.I got through those jobs,earning money in pounds like 599 pounds[46,000 INR],per month,and sometimes 120 pounds in 2 days in my Lloyds bank account,together I had many overdrafts in the Lloyds London Bank.Those earned money were for only spending for there in London only,because the house rent were amount reaching 250 pounds per monthly,and for bus and tube train travel,and for shopping for food and dress.it gets spent there.So,I earned more than 2 lacs INR annually there.I worked there,in Holmwood,London as a care assistant in a care home named Foxmead,and because of other malayali co-worker's jealousy towards me,I was put to night duty on one such awful night when another co-worker was ill and on leave and on that night an aged guy named David died of heart attack and the manager named Aisah Talip,who's from Mauritius, terminated me from her care home and yelled at me and I cried a lot to the owner named Ramdhass,because it's happening to me for the first time but who to see,no one cared about it.And Ramdhass was telling to me that her husband also died like this because of sudden heart attack,while telling to me,Harris,you are small boy.My mummy,when I called to her phone,that times,she told me hesitatingly,that she had fallen down while walking through the slippery front area of  our home,when she went to discard the kitchen wastes near to the drainage plant,during the heavy rainy season of Thrissur at Chiyyaram,and that she had put stitches on her head,while before that day,she had seen a green colored snake in front of our home.So,when I said  this matter,when this Mauritian Aisah Talip,asked me about my family and all,2 days before of my termination,she was telling,when I said this,”Me,Aisah has nothing to do with your  mother.”.This Mauritian Aisah Talip was saying to me that time,”Harris do you know who you are,you are an abuse,are you not a man”.She is saying all these to me looking very angrily at me,like I have put atom bomb in her home at Horsham.I think,this Aisah Talip has got some problem with boys.What should I say to this care home manager,with all my language problem,when she asks to me like this?Now you tell me,Are women or men abusive?You cannot distinguish the difference,isn’t?This manager was talking like a racist.She told me happily during freetime to tell about myself to her,”Harris tell about yourself.”While I started telling her face became reddish.What type of facial expression was that?Then she started showing partiality between me and other malayalee workers.There was an another chinese girl[care giver],named Naomi,whom she terminated earlier,from her care home,because this manager herself hated this chinese care giver[Naomi],all after these torments from this manager on that Sunday morning after that tiresome and unexpected night duty, I slept in that isolated railway station of Holmwood which is 1 km away from the care home[which is situated in the dense dark forest],from that morning till next morning,because there were no national trains from there till Horsham,as it was a Sunday morning.Those times,Adele’s music [someone like you],was played in the home,like a music therapy for the inmates,to relieve Dementia,in older aged clients.I ate English breakfast in London,in those times.I explained my condition to my London mates,but my friend Renid did not believe me and he thought that I was telling a lie.I did not go to explain him more,because of his doubts on me.After I came back to Thrissur,only I heard about the death of the owner of that particular care home said and informed by my fellow room mate,Ramesh who is from Idukki,Kerala whom I lived together in Horsham.I did'nt believe her death at first,when he said to me,so Ramesh kept quiet. I updated everytime in facebook that time.And,I took a Horsham Library membership and read all types of english books,sitting in the library and followed every online books in internet library,because I was free all time in Horsham,in London.I got a girl friend from Romania,whose name was Anca who was also 12 years older than me but she was attractive but she told me to never kiss her because she is older than me and that Harris will get a beautiful girl of same age.I helped her a lot for many things.She also inturn helped me.She was also my Pakistani boyfriend's ex-girlfriend in Horsham.Those times,it was starting of extreme winter season in Horsham[with -7 C],and in all over England,so the daylights were short,and it started to get dark at 3:30 pm.A Srilankan boss,named Raaj Harr,who is a slim,black eyed,tall,muscular,hard working,animal sighted,hindu guy,who is manager of certain companies, changed me a lot there.I was deepily loved by that someone in there with friendly purposes.He treated me as his family and gave me job and salary.He introduced me to his girl friend[who is a white European from Horsham town] and child,and we all together made food in the dining and cooking area.One day he called me to his home,at evening 3 pm and practically did deep amor[forceful love] with me,after playing snooker when his girlfriend and child was not there in his home,while his girlfriend[not married],gone to pick their child from school.He locked the door of his flat,removed his clothes and ordered me to remove my clothes and switch on the big screen which played porn movie and made me lay in his cozy bed,and forcefully penetrated in me,while I was clutching the bed cases and sheets while screaming with pain,while telling him to stop,but he told me no it will be alright,just lay there,and he made pain into me holding my legs high,and by clutching my shoulders tightly with his both hands,while I said no no,he was telling me to relax and he gave me his fingers and hand to bite on it clutching by my teeth strongly,and he enjoyed me for more than fifteen minutes,till he got finished,and after that he released me,and told me to wash up and to put the shirt,jeans and coat,and he told me that we should leave from here,as fast as possible,as his girlfriend will reach here at any time with their child,and we both walked together,outside the flat into the Horsham park,through the roads,in the freezing cold outside,though it was 3 pm at the evening in South England.He had his evening shift,so he went there and I went directly to my home in there,and after that I went to the library at Horsham to read English imaginary love stories,detective novels,true love stories[of any kind].I had already forgotten by then for what I am in my childhood times and lost my senses,after his penetration into me.After that he gives me 5 pounds,while I ask him for in need.And we meet again while walking outside and talk at nights,and he offered me other jobs also,but vacancy were not available and sometimes offer me wine and all,but I drink it without hesitating,together with him.Because of all these anxiety and all,I started to take apple cider,beer cans to my room and began to drink it,with kentucky fried chicken and fish fries,the whole nights in the cold climate of London and also had started to smoke black flavored ciggaretes,before in Wembley,because it was too cold there[-7 C].I saw my first sight of snow fall in Horsham at London,during February month,its first week in the year 2012.First snow fall is like a blessing in London.I had an NHS Hospital free consultation membership in there,and I usually go to visit the English lady doctor once in a month for a health check up.But no adverse disease was found in me.It was too good and cool in London.My malayalee friends in Horsham,London,told me that once we speak to someone ,we should tell everything about the matter,there must be a continuity. Every malayalee London mates gave me kerala style food ,like pork fry and matta rice with chicken curry etc: and fed me,while they also eat together with me,from their common kitchen,when I visit their home,and they tell me Harris looks like the Malayalam actress Praveena.A room mate who is from Angamaly ignored me from being close friends with him and told me never enter to his room again,when I first came to his flat in Horsham and this Angamaly Martin is born to traditional kerala parents,so he is the youngest of all.So,he do not like modern types of love,as he said to me angrily while I was in Horsham in a flat with him.He did not even understand my friendship towards him.So,I kept quiet,listening to him,for what he says to me,and continued with my work,travel,enjoyment and studies.But this Angamaly Martin helped me to get a job in a CD factory and helped me to survive there with money and food earning more than 280 pounds per month and with all the money which I earned from those jobs,I invited my younger brother to Horsham,when he came to Coventry[North England],with student visa,in the month of September,2011 and purchased chicken,beef,pork,rohu fish and made him a delicious dish which includes pork fry cury,beef fry,chicken curry and 2 rohu fry with lots of rice,and made it ready at home,before I went to receive him from Horsham national tube train station.He was in love with my food and loved it and some of the room mates like Sijo,Aju and Remesh always criticized about the taste of the food I make.There was a Horsham malayalee samajam,there,and we all celebrated in the church hall,with songs,karoke,dance and food,during Christams and New Year parties.We malayali guys of Horsham went for a free family picnic to one day Malayalam pravasi retreat at London.It was freezing cold that day.It had been so difficult to sit there outside listening to vattayil achan sayings and preach.I and my other friends were smiling,showing our all teeth outside,with freezing climate holding and rubbing our hands together,and this vattayil achan continued his preach till evening  5 pm from morning 9am.I thought he had heater fixed on his stage while preaching to us.The steel chairs on which we were sitting were also too cold like ice.My other malayali mates were saying to me ,looking at me,”Harrisinte chiri.”[Harris’ smiles].Some malayali mates were farting together with their smiling.Ya,smell was spreading all over there.So,I could not stop smiling again.I called my Agna aunty to Thrissur,via my HTC mobile phone through lyca connection,from Horsham,London,one afternoon,while it was Sunday and asked about everything,about there,but that time also,she,my aunty did not tell me about Nimmi’s marriage,but she told me,that my mummy and daddy is in very anxious condition,leaving you to London.After talking to me,before she had cut the phone,I cut the phone call.But, I enjoyed the life and culture,night life of London[Horsham].It is first time like outside Asia[outside India],in European continent that too in London.While ,I started to live in Coventry,I started listen to the songs,like ‘Somebody that I used to know’ and ‘Mun andhi chaaral nee’.I had always been watching,all episode of’Bade acche lagthe hein’,in you tube channel.I loved the theme and story of that show[serial] and I started to contact with the show actors of that serial through messenger giving them feedback and they respond to me,favourably.Dennis called me to come to Coventry in West Midlands,at north England.He had his part time job together with his studies in there.My younger brother,Dennis, is slightly tall than me by one inch and has got more size than me,but he is lovingly friendly to me.We stayed together and made food and did shopping together,went to expensive hotels and ate english foods and we visited our cousin sister Cybil's mother-in –law,Rosamma[who is a 28 years experienced registered nurse of UK,at American Hospital] and her family in Bassingstoke during easter time in April,travelling through Virgin tube bullet train.She welcomed both of us,made us good food,made both of us a good stay at their home,and before leaving and being terminated from London,I had helped this Mahesh. M. Nair ,when he asked me for help,who planned to make me alone in Channasandra hostel,to get to know about the situation in London and he got through,but I had to come back.While giving me the termination letter,the principal of the college told me,to leave London as fast as possible,and told me about my faults of not getting job here and about my language problem,and about my low attendances,and they told me nobody wants me to be in London,so Harris you should go back from here,so I could not control my grief and agony and I started to get body ache and I cried sighing,so the administrator,Manju told me do not cry,and do not act here,and gave me a glass of water to drink,and I drank the water,scribbling the water from my mouth everywhere,after gasping for breath  and she asked me whether you are afraid of going to your family again!?I said,Yah,I like London,in broken sounds while sighing.The principal,told me,because you have done so much mistakes here,and they do not know whether your brother or anybody has came here,or if it is your brother,we do not know,and before we call the police and before informing the UKBA,just take the flight,and tomorrow itself you should go from here and she told me to never say please.I booked the flight ticket for Jet airways that night,after informing my brother and Renid.I could'nt control my grief and agony on the way through flight[Jet airways]from London to Kochi via Mumbai.I reached India on May 4,2012.After I was expelled by the University Of London Authority from Park Royal and Horsham to Thrissur,because without experience in work,with student visa,I would not get good job there; so I thought to determine myself to get work experience in Nursing first in India,in my homeland itself.So,I came back.But,the United Kingdom British Council did not cancel my Visa validity.My brother stayed there after me and he was there during my Thrissur job and still there.It was my cousin sister,Nimmi’s marriage functions,when I landed here in Kochi.My parents were there at Vendore,came to pick me up in their car.But I would not talk to them,for whatever happened in Horsham,London.My daddy understood the reason behind it.He was frequently contacting my London University from Thrissur,Kerala.After being fresh and ready,we 3 of them went to Vendore,to take part in the functions of the marriage.On May 4,it was her bethrothal and on May 13,2012,it was her marriage. Nimmi told me that,everything will be okay,watching my fearfulness to go to our relative’s home at Kodakara,because I was crying and shouting in front of Nimmi and my mummy and in front of my veliapappa and daddy,hesistating to visit Joseph uncle’s family at Valapaadi,Kodakara.My Velliapappa’s family is watching Harris for the first time,doing like this at that night,at Vendore.But,when every members of my family made me relax,I cooperated with them and went with them to Kodakara,that night and came back peacefully.Jibi was smiling whole heartedly,looking at me seeing me,after coming from London to Thrissur.My Agna aunty told me that cousins cannot marry each other.She thought that I was crying only because of Nimmi’s sent off.In my mind,the cause of coming back from London was also there.I could not make out whatever happened in Horsham in London was a love,abuse or a rape,because I had been sent off from there like this.A mix of feelings,were there in my mind,thinking from my childhood times till that day.That day when it was Nimmi’s wedding party at Thumbur,Mini’s group with Romeyo,Jibi and Pramod was siting round a table,for eating food served at party.Pramod is working in Bangalore and Jibi,my cousin sister,is his wife,and both of them are settled in Bangalore.I was sitting with my cousin brothers and aunties,around another decorated table,a little more far from where this Mini’s group were sitting.This Romeyo and Mini were staring at me from little distance.When I stood up and walked till the wash basin for cleaning my hands,after eating food,this Pramod followed me,and looked at me while washing his plate.He was looking at me thinking ,why Harris seems to be confused and not talking with them or sometimes he may be thinking,whether Harris is looking like Shah Rukh Khan or any other actor looking similar to him.I do not know.The first weeks in 2012,after my sister's marriage in Vendore,Thrissur,when I came to back to Thrissur,I was startled and shame feeling came to me and I never thought that my sister will marry someone even without informing me and she had already gone.I thought in my mind,why should she tell to me that she is going to marry a person.It's her choice.But,I had forgotten this Romeyo after the marriage day and I continued with myself,my mission and with my jobs from the year 2012,from August.I forgot whether he is a Shah Rukh Khan fan or not. At London,I was very active ,had got many malayali friends who were very co operative and supportive with me,and I had my own job,paying own rent for home,shopping for food alone,making food together with friends in London,making own food,Then after coming to Thrissur,everything seemed to change suddenly,and I thought everything became like my past life again..I became shy again,forgot everything what happened in Horsham,London,started to get shy feeling and worthlessness feeling and did not want to step a foot outside and found myself fearful to go outside.While I was in Horsham,London,I had many Lloyds bank overdraft debts,and after coming to Thrissur,I was tensed about that debts.My brother told me,that he cleared all the debts by himself,while I asked him repeatedly,whether he is sure,he cleared. I started to put all of my childhood photos in my facebook public account,in the year 2012,after my cousin sister,Nimmi’s marriage,on May 13[that too after coming from London].When things I eagered for getting fastly,or someone’s love that I wanted to give or that person should have given to me,was not given or reached to me,at time or if the flow of love was blocked,I shed silent tears when I was asleep or when I was alone.But,when this feeling of broken love repeatedly came to my life time by time,I felt something is awkward about me.I did not think that this feeling would become such a big crisis in my life,till I came back from Horsham in London;because of that after coming to Thrissur,When my daddy spoke openly to me,I said him about my feelings and condition in the year 2012 in the month of June, so that if somebody could know about it and send me some help from above.I informed Martin,of Horsham,London,that I will come back to London again.On lab investigations,in a private clinic of my daddy’s friend;it was said to be the blood cortisol stress hormone count was shown increased by 2 % for the first time.The doctor said,only Harris knows ; whats the reason for this increase,the doctor[psychologist],who is also my daddy's friend in Goa,who is also a malayali,examined me and told me to become transparent and to openly say everything whatever is in my mind.The doctor named Kutti,called me to his home near Guruvayur with my parents and told me there is nothing to hide ,tell everything openly.Be transparent ,then you will be okay.My daddy discussed with the family doctor and said me,if anything you forgot and cannot remember,write it in a paper,but not to show others.So,I determined myself,to start my mission.After,2 weeks ,after which he examined my body and mind status,this half muslim half hindu malayali psychologist,got nose bleeding and got high blood pressure and fell down unconscious and been admitted to the nearest hospital in Thrissur near Guruvayur,in the year 2012,in the month of June.He is alright now,as said by my parents.Think.I accepted my condition ,before it could be more critical.My relatives and cousin brothers started to ignore and avoid my true self,and I responded to them in a fierceful way.I explained to them,whatever had happened in Horsham,London in a written and vocal form. That they came and reconciled with me.Then I became ok.But,I did not know clearly whats it about.I had done a phimosis surgery[circumscision] of my genital, at a major hospital in Thrissur,in 2012.From then,I started to think,why should I only become alone and anxious always,I also want to be active,so I began to go and find myself outside with other new people.In that year or after that year I ran from the home without telling my parents and went to Chennai without ticket in train and bathed in the deep sea and swam in that Marina beach that too giving my bag to a stranger and he gave me back my bag after finishing the swim.After coming home,on the request of my mother through mobile phone,I came back to home,and started to sing karoke and uploaded it in you tube on internet.There were many viewers from Gulf countries,United Kingdom and North India,but after 5 months I deleted all of the videos.After coming from London,I messaged Subhash and others like Arjun Anand and Varghese C J,saying them sorry a lot of times,if I have hurt them in anyways,because I had language problem.During August month of 2012,I started to join in a calicut university college for MBA studies,which is continuation of B.Sc Nursing course,but I failed to complete it because of my problem in maths,but yet I got a lots of Thrissur friends both girls and boys to be happy with and to mingle with them socially,going to their home,riding my new bike with them,going picnics with them,watching new released movies,helping them also helping myself,celebrating,roaming round Thrissur with them.The principal and staffs were also lovable to me.So,I became happy again.Together with that I assured myself to complete my driving license test course,which I could not complete when I was 17 years old.Now,I was 24 years old and completed it in the first attempt itself.Like that was my change.I passed both 2-wheeler and 4-wheeler test in the first attempt.All was because of my friendship with the driving tutor,who is 5 years younger to me in Thrissur.During the first day itself,I had told him and his friends that I had started taking tablets to relieve stress and to forget things what happened right in London.That time I was listening to the songs like,’Ponnod poovaai..’.During the finishing time of the driving lessons,I fought with him,like crazy, out of love and friendly reasons,publically calling him bad words at Thrissur round in malayalam in Thrissur town area and he spoke with my daddy,one night,but we both became friends,again.I bought sweets for him after passing the driving test in september,2012, in Thrissur.I got driving licence valid from the year 2012 till the year 2032,for both 2 wheeler and 4 wheeler.I started to play football,with a group of boys who were old village friends of mine.I go with them in evenings to the nearby playground of our village at Ancheri in riding my bike wih them.First time,I am going with them.But,usually,I never run and reach with other boys while playing football,so I quit playing wih them.In February,I stopped the MBA course and on May,2013,I wanted to go to Bihar for work after a prayerful retreat,but I changed my mind,when my mummy said me about Mumbai,I went to Vasai,Mumbai ,where my distant relative,a teacher and her family stays and they offered me a job,but I could not complete that job,because,the salary was to low,Rs.2000 a month and also because the hospital was unhygeinic and the air conditioning inside the hospital was terrible cold,and staying inside that quarters were impossible in these rainy days,I myself quit the job and ran away from the hospital and reached Thrissur.Then I started searching for my answer in google,where we get immediate answers from the year 2013,towards the month of September. I started to learn Violin together with my job in Thrissur hospital in the year 2013 .From 2014,only,I started to love and do hospital practical jobs.After a good councelling and everything that a spirit of a person needs and also I had to take different types of medications for mind.I first resisted those medications.But my parents encouraged me to take it,if you do not take it then there's no use.But the medications have many adverse effects also.Some of the side effects were eye blurring and blindness.For a week or more ,I could not even properly see front side when I drive my car or bike.I could not read any words in books correctly.Another side effect was over alertness or over sleepiness.Sometimes I felt brain flushing sounds and heart pains with difficulty in taking breaths.I started to play badminton with neighbourhood teenage guys and girls,and with my family and started to go for yoga classes and visited gymnasium on early mornings,at Thrissur town.After taking medications,my overthinking,anxious behaviour and excessive thoughts,soon,went away from me.I got so much relieved,that I cannot explain you all.I started to act and to become practical in many cases.Towards last of 2012 till last August month of 2013,I started to do happy and brotherly friendly boy love chat on online and mobile phone chat,with many young boys of my age and boys who age lower than me and also with young adult boys,who live in Gulf countries,north India,Iran and from my place, till late nights,they call me at night,when they see me online and talk to me for more than 20 minutes,about their experiences with other mates and after exchanging mobile numbers and we meet next night and do many sort of things in Thrissur village fields and sometimes I travel to their place which will be far away from my hometown and sleep with them,the whole night and they give me money for travel and food.I got many Islamic Thrissur friends,to share my friendship and intimacy with.Like that,I changed very slowly,yet steadily. In 2013 a song featuring Deepika Padukone in Brighton beach was released,that was in 2013.But I saw the song scene only in the year 2015.After,I came from London to Thrissur, I was very outgoing .I do not know,if it was because of the lonely feelings,feelings of numbness.I roamed all over the Thrissur town,did all sort of mischevious activities,came back to home only after 10 pm at night.I roamed around in the town alone with other strangers and young people like a stray dog.Because of that ,I got lots of amor frustration together with stress and relieving of extreme erotic desires,in a open public way. I stopped sleeping at night mostly.I could not even close my eyes.So,I started to think that I am controlling the world or someone is controlling me. I slept in bed after 6 am only till sunset.Like that I got sleep deprivation.I also started to eat lots of foods usually 4 times a day; together with small amounts lots of oily chips.In 2013,February month,I had a black puppy which was a street dog’s daughter,which took birth for 7 puppies behind our Vadookara cow shed.I was sorry for not taking the male puppy.I took it to my home,named it Harry blacky,and gave it a nice bath with deedhi shampoo,and it liked me so much.It stayed in my room,slept near me on my bed,sometimes it slept on my chest.I took it to watch a new release movie,film named ‘Puthiya Theerangal’.But,my daddy hate this dog sounds at home,from inside my room and whenever I feeded a plate of milk and bun.It ate it very interestingly,but due to the request of my daddy ,I had to leave it in my college ground in Aranattukara,where many big dogs are there.I tried to sell it in the Thekinkaad maidhan,when I saw two men,standing near to the banyan tree.They both told me that they want only the male puppies ,and no female puppies.[aan naayanenge madhi,pennpatti vendaa],so I returned with it to my Aranattukara college ground,carrying it in my bike and it was trapped there among those big black and white dogs.After that I do not know what happened to it.From 2013,I had worked in a private hospital,near my dad's place,place named Velupadam,but first time I am hearing about this name and place.I know the places of Amballur side till Vendore,Varakara and Varantharapilly,and there I got new Thrissur hospital staffs and we were as a group working very speedily and sincerely and enjoying together during free times,laughing and going for picnics and celebrating together with the hospital staffs.I was the only care giver[male],together with other female staffs.I was working very much sincerely,and also on front for all artistic activities.There were 2 nuns[sister],named Elsy and Elise, who loved me a lot like a son and co-worker.She was the head of our team.She was a very prayerful,god-fearing,and who work very sincerely.She always tells me that Harris should be put in a show case and to be worshipped.I studied how to work and lead life also from her and there was a doctor too who had a positive outlook in life.There were a bro called Sijobro[technician,medical and orthology brother] and other nuns,sisters named Sophia sist,Elise sist,Maria Grace amma,Elshyuis amma,Annie mother,Suja sist,Lolitha[Lathika] chech,Thressiama chechie and Poker apaapan,with chakka amaama[jackfruit amaama-we all called her like that,because once when she looked upwards to sky,a big jackfruit fell over her face,and she fell down unconscious with jackfruit thorn marks on her face],,who all were very friendly and fond with me.One of the colleague,named Soudha,always calls me “curtain Harris”,in a funny way,because I will be sitting behind the hospital duty room curtain,after being tired,after finishing the whole work of the hospital.We all were 57 people all together.There was a person named Devassy chetan,who supported all the hospital staffs and other villagers, and he is the ambulance operator.My favourite prayerful and spiritual mingling centre is New Dolours Basilica church,Puthanpalli,at High Road in Thrissur.The devotional songs with music and the mass is very much touching for me,that I concentrate and immerse into the mass fully. I usually started to do nursing job,very confidently and boldly because,I was confident that I am able to do that,after coming from London to Thrissur,but then also when staffs say do boldly,do boldly,then I get more improved.When I get continuous duty on Sundays in Thrissur hospital,I usually go to church at night 7:30 pm for holy mass,to share my dreams and life to my God,at New Dolours Basilica church,High Road,Thrishoor,riding my bike or in my car,or with my family.The mass will be usually till 9 pm and I reach home at 9:30 pm,and I continue to go to job from next day on Monday in bus from Kuriachira till Velupadam,via Vendore,and after job I return home at 7 :15 pm,after getting bus at 6 pm from Velupadam bus stop.I got a deep friendly chat ,that time,in the year 2014,during the end of October month,with a small samsung mobile in my hand,with a so-called Shah Rukh Khan Fan who indeed looks alike him.His name is Romeyo[Romi].I thought he is a good person.He is my cousin sister's Matha School,Mannampetta,friend; whom I met during her marriage in 2012,but started chatting only from November 2014. I messaged him when I was 26 years old though I met him during May,13,2012.When I saw him during my cousin sister’s marriage, I was 24 years old,and he may be 22 year old.When I started chatting with him,in the year 2014,in November month,he was 24 year old boy.He was working as a safety supervisor in VTTI,far away in Fujairah,Dubai.I messaged by saying to him that,"I like your face.",just like I messaged him and I asked him for a forever friendship,when he asked me for my mobile number.My mobile number in those days was 9744181248.He was with his room mate named Sreeram Karthik,who is from Mumbai ,Maharashtra,who came to work in his same company and they both were sharing the same flat.When I asked him about his room mate through the first phone call,he was telling to me,now he is not there in the room,and Harris can tell anything you want and he told me,that he is a number one guy than Harris.He told me,Romeyo himself is three steps ahead of Harris. So,I thought am I not number one boy.So,I said to him,I am eight steps ahead of you.And he was asking me what all things Harris likes to do during sex so I said to him that I like kissing and all things.So,he was asking to me,kissing!?So,I thought,why should we not kiss.Both persons when becomes intimate,the first thing is kissing and body touching.And this Romeyo is telling to me,he and sreeram,both becomes intimate after work at night,very intimate.So,even if I got some distance feeling from this response from,my long awaited friend of mine named Romeyo Chittilappilly Rapheal,I just said aa,yes.I asked him,whether he is working as a manager,so he got angry,and asked me do not ask me whether I am manager,and he asked me,whether Harris is a doctor,so I said no,I am not,but I am the only male care giver,so I have to manage and do all the work here in my hospital.And ,I asked him,how did you get this job in Dubai,so he told me by passing an interview,and he told me,leave all that,come to the matter.I told him that I am feeling very sleepy,after tiresome job and travel from job place.So,I told him to call me later.He told me he will call again,and that Harris should attend the call.He called me more than 27 times,but I was timid and shy to talk through phone,so I did not answer the call.The bells kept on ringing.When he cut the phone ,after telling me to message him and we shall and we both should meet and after this one hour long continuous chat,I became so much excited and happy,because for the first time a boy of my age group and whom I know personally from my family member[cousins], is speaking to me,like this for continuously. I thought this Romeyo was a good boy,while speaking to him through phone,but later,after one year only,I understood his attitude about himself.That I will tell and write later.I do not go to the details very much that what happened after that.He addressed me as,"Mr.Harris Jose",On the next phone conversation he asked me about my sister[cousin sister]. He asked me without knowing anything about himself,how could you,Harris send me messages like this to him,priortizing friendship.I told him by responding him that I know him,that I will meet him and he will come.I remember that I asked him whether he drinks beer and he responded me that he drinks whisky also.He told that he was hearing songs,when he asked me whether I was also listening to songs.He told me that he wanted a partner who loves him a lot.I told him that our eyes met during May 13,2012 on my cousin sister's marriage photo shoot at home.My so called sister's birthday is on 22-2-89. I was busy in my work in hospital.On November 14th of 2014,our hospital conducted a free tour,to Alappuzha beach,Munnar,and on the way back,it started heavily raining and lightening,and thunderstorms followed,while we all were still in the bus,while the luxury bus was crossing Aluva bridge.That time,I was messaging this Romeyo,who became beloved to me,sitting in the fast moving bus,about my tour[picnic],before the mobile phone was going to be switched off.I stayed that night at Vendore home,because the bus was on the that way to hospital to return journey.My work hospital was on that way through my daddy’s vendore tharavaadu [ancestral home] way.He called me many times at night,after my work,he asked about me for what I am,through messaging.I could not talk to him properly through phone,because I have not talked to him face to face,even if I met him during sister's marriage in 2012,so he asked me,you should talk a lot,your job also needs so much of talking and communication and he said to me  to message him.Before chatting with Romeyo,I was always listening continuously to the song,Vijanathayil as a sort of enlightening and encouraging myself.Later after he talked to me for more than one hour online,I started to hear the song Eeran Kaatin,and I sing to it,after coming to home from job.This Romeyo was telling me he wants to ask about Harris,from his college hostel friends in Bangalore.Why should this fool should contact them,if they do not know anything about me from those days?I messaged him,the whole details about me.Before cutting the first and the last call,he told me that he will come to see me.One night before December 21,2014;some unknown calls came to my mobile,local numbers,when I put my mobile in silent mode.Later only ,I saw those numbers.I was sleeping in the bed that time.I deleted the local numbers which came in my phone because I did not know from whom those numbers came to my phone,that night.Usually,no one calls me,other than Romeyo,that time,that’s the truth.I knew he must have came to Mannampettah,Thrissur because his own sister's daughter's baptism was taking place there.I thought he may or may not came in Thrissur.Early morning.I asked him messaging in facebook,to call me or respond to me, but he was online and not answering me.So I got irritated a lot.I told him assuring him that if we are not going to see in real or not going to talk in real,this is the end of this friendship.And I told him you are very far away,and I do not know that you might be having other sort of friends and relations,and I told him,I do not want you,if you are not being open to me,and I said him that you are acting in front of me,you are not real,you are a hypocrite,and I said him I hate hypocrites and I asked him why do you hurt me and make me bad ,by not responding to me!?And I was about to block him online,if he is again keeping on silent.When it was still dark, at early morning 2:30 am; a cool breeze came through my room windows,like saying " your friend has came,he has come".That time,I was also suffering from terrible headache,cough,chest pain and chest infection. After one day,I felt like his name was repeating inside my head,many times ;when I suddenly woke up early morning.I felt dizzy and wanted to end it feeling. I had a sense of something was happening to me,very different to me,after chat with him,like no one else like him for me.He blocked me on December 21,2014,while I was travelling in bus to my work near his home,early morning at 7:45 am,while messaging him,to come to see me in his bike,because,I was on his way for work in bus,and then,because he and I thought he and me has different friendly relations with other people.In that bus ,suddenly after he blocked me,I could not send him messages again,I got a feeling of sudden disconnection from my life,a nothing in head feeling. I cannot explain that feeling. I had already started to see signs like"Gift of God",'St.Rapheal",from 3 days before the day he blocked me,wherever I travel in Thrissur,earlier recently and from now then,like whenever my mind strived or tried to respond to unfavourable situations,in a fiercefull way,while I travel outside, while riding my bike or while travelling in bus.Really, I got crazy or out of mind.I explained him everything,immediately at my free time at work place, on that Sunday, making a public account, that whats happening to me,publically posting.I loved him as a friend,but I said sorry a lot of times,sending him message through another public account to him a lot because of my mistake that he blocked me and asked him to unblock me.I accepted my mistake,if I had hurt him,in anyways.I did not knew whether he has hurted me in return.I made another public account named Sirrah Os and started to send him public messages to Dubai from December,2014.I told him that I cannot be far away from you,I always want to connect with you and I told him do not forget me and to forget whatever I said and to be near.I also called him filthy words publically..I had already started to see signs like Gift Of God and St.Raphael which are the names written over the front of vehicles moving on roads in all over Thrissur,that I started to notice for the first time,wherever I go coincidentally,or while I turn my head,which I do not know,why I am seeing all these,but I had an insight about all these what I see daily in front of my eyes,after this Romeyo blocked me or was about to block me on December 21,2014,even now.One such public account is still there near to his follower account. After meeting and later chatting with Romeyo very deeply,then only I started to put photos of mine in facebook,that too meaningfully and socially,from 2014.I had no nearby friends of mine.I got a friend named Romeyo,that too whom my family knows very closely,who stays nearby my daddy’s brought up home.Then all this magic and happenstances,started to occur.I started to realize. Nimmi was only an instrument for me,to reach these two people who were hiding from me,namely Romeyo and Akhil Varghese.I considered Nimmi Rose,like that,because she did not know,what my past is and I acted in front of everyone like I belong and being with Nimmi.When I asked Agna aunty about Mini and Romeyo,she told me that yes he is very black in color,how did you chat with him,so I told I message him,so he called me many times and talked to me and said to me,that he will come to see me.My aunty told me that he had,came to our home to invite Nimmi for attending Mini’s wedding.He is very talkative.From now we have no connection with him.My aunty also told me Romi’s mother is very tired looking woman.My cousin brother Nitin was listening for what I am asking and he told me Romi is a Shah Rukh Khan fan and after losing his job in the Kochi Airport,that he got a job in Dubai,in the last year 2013.During those times,I used to travel from Kuriachira till Velupadam,in following buses named Joy Bad Boy Group[4 buses],Lakshmi Durga,Sree Bhadra,Jesus,St.Mary’s[Nimmy’s].The conductor men and boys used to be friendly and smiles at me.I smile back at them,but I usually never go to talk to them so much,as local boys of Varantharapilly area,does.My brother-in-law said to me through phone that there are several people who ask him whether Harris is gay or mental.I finally admitted him that I am straight,trans and bi.That Shah Rukh Khan fan and his friend, then started to put public positive quotes in public in facebook.His friend's name is Akhil Varghese[Akhil Aquie Varghese],,who himself consider himself equal to Shah Rukh Khan,I do not know both of them have some personality and hindi language problem,that is why they both are imitating a celebrity.Moreover,Akhil[Aqueil] and Romeyo equals imitation of Abhishek Bacchan.This Akhil Varghese[Akhil Aquie Varghese-courtesy name changed],during March and April month of 2015,while it was raining heavily,this Akhil showered me with his raw Malayalam swear words through a public account in facebook along with me and Romeyo Chittilappilly Rapheal,later when I suppose,he came to see my farewell from Thrissur,while I was going to board the Korba express on November 2,2015,to Chhattisgarh.I was along with my daddy when I came to Thrissur station at 11:45 am.The train was late and came at 12:05 pm,so he was standing behind me,where I was sitting,and washing his hands under the tap water of the railway wash basin,looking at me.I had clean shaven my hair on my head that time and very less hair were there upon my head.My daddy did not notice him,because he do not know a person called Akhil[Aqueil].I do not know,no one of my friends ,has ever came to meet me or see me ,before I leave Thrissur Railway station to somewhere to travel along.Aqueil Ackie,I seem,he is working in the Sobha mall,now,in Puzhakkal,Thrissur at the café,near the INOX movies inside the mall and he earns more than 50,000 INR  of his stipend[pronounced stiffend].I do not know whether his birthday is on July or April.He always keeps on changing his birthday.I think I saw this him there when I went to see a movie called,’Kattapanayile Rithik Roshan’,along with my daddy and mummy.He was staring at me without expression.May be it might not be him.No one else,but this person was staring at me without expression in his face,when I went to see this movie,after I came from Raipur to Thrissur,that I will later describe,about the travel to Chhattisgarh[Madhya Pradesh].But,this [Akhil]Aqueil,sings very beautifully on stage programmes in Thrissur and plays a guitar very well too.and another friend named Arnold Sachin,also I tried to contact and talked with Arnold Sachin.Arnold told me that Romeyo is very bad person.So,I told him back that I am also very bad and dangerous killing type.I also did the same.I told Romeyo that I am determined to do my job,so he said back to me Oh,that is good.But till now we have never met so close .I told about this friend to my Nana. I do not know is that because of my quality or because of his inner quality..I do not want to upset my cousin sister's school friend.He became so much beloved to me.Ciril,my brother in law,after talking to me through phone,told,sorry for whatever happened to you from Romeyo’s side,on his behalf.I also talked to his friend,explaining my condition.When I saw Akhil Varghese’ connection with Romeyo terming him as his brother,I asked Romeyo,are you Shah Rukh Khan fan,also,and I asked Romi,who is Akhil for you!So,he after being quiet,he was telling do not degrade your value and not to ask him about his other relations and friendships.I asked him,why should I not ask you about your friends.My value?!You yourself were going to ask to my college hostel mates,about myself.Then. I was not comfortable to talk about Romeyo together with Akhil and yet I just asked him,for comedy. When Akhil told me that Romi will give you love,I responded to him and told him to go and give your love[sneham],to your grandfather[apaapan],and I told him I do not want sucker to be my friend. And,I asked are you fan of that aged Shah Rukh Khan.He is 51 year old and I said you look like tamil actor Madhavan,but later I corrected my this attitude on Romi[himh].So,Romi told me to go and fuck your mother-in-law.So,I responded him and said to go and fuck the silencer hole,while the bike is about to start.So,Akhil responded by telling me to go and fuck thorn trees[murikame l].

When I asked Akhil about Romeyo,Romeyo started to respond to me,that he Romeyo himself will put some fart smell for Harris,so,I told him put your farts to Akhil’s mouth,and sit over Akhil’s face and put some farting stools[kushu theetam] inside his mouth.Romeyo was afraid that he will lose Harris,that’s why he responded to me like that,in a careless manner.So,I also responded to him like that.I am writing all these in English,but the original conversation is in Malayalam.And this Akhil Aqueil Varghese called me after which Romeiyo fool gave my number to Akhil Aqueil Barghese and I just said hello and cut the phone.Akhil was asking me while he started to message me that why Harris alle nee,why are you not answering my call!.Why should I talk with a stranger,when Romi,Nimmi’s friend,my daddy’s neighbourhood friend is in my mind.And after that Akhil Aqueil Barghese started to message me.I told Romeyo to show me the truth[the toothbrush],between Romeyo and Akhil.


 I asked Akhil Varghese about Romeyo,so he told me,Romeyo loves every friends of his and started to call me Malayalam swear words publically through online chat,making group chat with Romeyo and me.And he told me,to leave him.But I told him,Romeyo is not leaving me,then how can I leave him.He does not know the value of relations.Akhil told me okay then it is okay,let it be like that.I started to get terrible heart aches with lots of crying everyday ,while travelling,and in front of my work mates.Later in 2015,only,I understood that Angel Rapheal,which I have never noticed so closely before is the angel for lovers,travellers and nurses.I do not know this is a gift because of my caring job or because of our friendship or like a hope and console for me,because of my past sufferings.When we see God in front of us,even if we become happy,it equals our dying,because we may be perplexed after all these life experiences,thinking for a second,why it is happening to me only.I was a bit shy of Shah Rukh Khan's acting persona,during my school days in Goa and Thrissur.Romi studied in Delhi for Engineering in Singaniya University.I see.He is very well in making lots of friends and to joke and gamble with them and spend and waste money with whomever he meet with,and enjoy any sort of things with them and to socialize and love as a group,but even if he thinks that he have a personality of his own,because he is the youngest of all his siblings,in his own family.He has no other tensions.In my view point,he do not have a personality of his own,that is why he depends on others for love and money.During his study period from 2011 till 2013 in Delhi hostel,he was like that only with his friends.When he first landed in Delhi boy’s hostel,he had mingling problem with other batch mates and seniors of different slang Malayalam speaking guys,but he got a sixth sense that somebody like him,a boy in Thrissur is lonely like him,so he used it and started to make many friends and those times after the year 2011,started ,facebook was used by all kerala guys worldwide.That time,I just landed in London Heathrow airport and started to live a new life.There is no change in his behaviour,now,except for owning a big thick beard and moustache and a shabby hair.I think he never take a bath for himself.Sometimes he clean shaves his face and put white cream on his face and body to hide his blackish complexion and always he thinks that he is Shah Rukh Khan and Shah Rukh Khan’s Rani.I do not know,whatever he is thinking.He never sing,never dance,never act.He only know to listen music and to enjoy any things with people or friends whom he meet everyday and I see he is little bit fatty too with tummy.I have not seen a blackish Shah Rukh Khan before in my life. But,even though,when Romeyo and Akhil were enjoying among themselves,they were not knowing that Harris had language problem and that I am lonely,and misapprehended me.This miracle or happenstance happened in the year November to December 2014.On January 26,2015,it was my cousin sister,Roshan Mary George's[Mercy aunty’s and George uncle’s daughter’s] wedding day at Potta with Febin Antony.They both are doctors.Roshan,who recommended me to get a job at Thrissur hospital.We all became happy.Theirs is a love marriage.Roshan’s uncle[her daddy’s brother],is Fr.Julius Arackal,Direcor of Amala Cancer and Research Medical college Hospital and Palana hospital and Medical director of all catholic hospitals.Fr.Julius Arackal usually visits our home at Chiyyaram-Kuriachira,when I also will be there at home,to see my daddy for attending family functions.The father comes usually with Chethana music academy,Thrissur director,Fr.Thomas Chackkalackal,to visit our home at Chiyyaram at Christmas time.Fr.Thomas Chacckalackal was the first person,after my daddy who started to teach me how to play a big piano,by sitting near me at music academy,Thrissur.My life story says.

Now the story continues,after when Roshan’s marriage functions had finished,and when I started to continue going with my job at Velupadam.Later………………………………………

Later,in March 2015,a heavy rain showered in Kerala unusually during the terrible hottest period of March and April month of 2015,with lightning,continously. That time I was going on with my work,busy with prayers ,songs. That time,while I was speeding up my work in hospital at Velupadam,a boy in Chiyyaram,whom,my friends and me knew well,who is from our Holy Family parish,died suddenly after hit by fast moving express train,while he went to celebrate his 10th class victory,with his nearby village friends,while taking photo on the rail line,selfie photo with his friends.His friends escaped ,but he was late to move from the front of the fast moving train.His name was Delson Davis.He died on the spot after being hit by the train which took him to a far distance through the air in the fields. My colleagues in my Thrissur[it is pronounced as Thrishoor] hospital,like Liji chechie,Soudha tha,Jisha chechie,asked me so you have got your life partner,so continue with it whatever happens.So,I responded,Ha.My colleagues and sisters started to tell me,in front of other nurses,Harris,you are now capable to manage all patients and able to do all basic and routine duties like a medical staff,alone.Because,they saw me each day managing 3 patients thoroughly,even for attending paediatric cannulisation,medications and for attending gynaecology post operative caring and treating with medications,and for neonatal care,right from admission of the patient continuing with routine medication and treatment to the patient till the next day discharge of the patient,after conducting doctor’s rounds,and also they were observing me,that he was thorough with other 20 patients ,while giving patient hand over to the head of the department and while doing routine medicine treatment for them also together with these 3 newly admitted patients.Liji chechie,asked me whether Harris do you know anything about extubation and intubation,or ventilator support,learn and study that,to work,whenever you go outside.There was another prayerful,hard working hindu sister ,later changed to roman catholic,after marrying a Christian Roman catholic boy from Varantharapilly.They married 7 years before,I had joined there.They both are still in love and together with their children and their amma.

I resigned my job on June 13,2015,after giving resignation letter ,the one month before[on May 13th,2015,that is on my cousin sister nimmi’s and ciril’s marriage day rememberance],because his home is on the way to this hospital,where,I work.I gave a huge party with food and juice,for all staffs,on my leaving day.I do not know whether Romeyo[Romi] has connection with film people,may be its my Imagination,as my mother or brother says;but inner feelings says its true,something is going to happen which is a miracle. While it was May or June month of 2015,a tamil movie poster was seen all over in Thrissur area,while I was still working there in that hospital.The movie name was ‘Romeo and Juliet’.I was not intrested in that tamil movie poster,because I had never seen Jayam Ravi’s movie before in my life.After the incident with Romeyo,I said sorry to Ditto Davis and Unnikrishnan M D ,if I have hurt them in anyways.A movie called ‘Bahubali The Beginning’,an imaginary story, released in the month of June that time in Malayalam and Tamil[Telugu version],for which the most of the shooting location of the movie is in Thrissur region,the movie which tells about a young man named Shivadhu,wants to find his original decent,while on the way he finds a woman warrior face,and he himself shows her,her real beauties,and after he finds his real mother who is chained and abandoned,in a far away place,from where is his origin,he let free his mother,and reveals himself to  everyone and destroys his every enemies who destroyed his father,Bali[Bahubali],after hearing his real past,with the help of his Maama.Then in June 21,2015,he or his friend .I am not sure,someone familiar and like him only came to see me in the bus in Thrissur.I looked behind me for a seat at the back,on my right side,but I saw on turning my head,to the left side,and looked this person from bottom to head,several times,doubtfully I looked at the person standing and smiling a little and looking at me, standing on the left side, behind me catching a vega helmet .A broken song was being played in the bus.The song was saying,’Aare Aare’.But yes it was him,but,even if he is black and slightly taller than me and had beard and moustache,however,he put facial white cream on his face and clean shaved ,so I could not recognize that person who also did not talk to me, on that mid sunny afternoon of that Sunday.I had gone to watch the noon show of the movie'KANTHARI' and I had to get down next stop from the bus,which is near to my home.I gave the 7 rupees in my hand to the conductor standing nearby,where he was sitting at the door side of bus,7 coins, from my hand which had 8[1 rupee coins],coins in it.He saw that I was about to leave and get down from the bus,and he showed me a 10 rupees note,while he was still sitting on the seat.While I got down at Kuriachira stop,and the bus was about to leave while I was walking to front side,I saw the conductor was speaking something to him,like Harris is a crazy guy.I messaged his sister,after I came to my Chiyyaram home,that,he came to see me in the bus.So,his sister,was asking me,”In the bus!?”.Yes.At last ,through facebook public account,I asked him,if he do not like me as a friend ,then tell that to me directly and leave me alone and asked him that why are you doing this to me,leave me alone,if you are a good guy,then I am also an innocent guy.My two friends from Ollur also messaged him publically be asking him,why do you Romeyo,doing like this to that innocent guy,and asked him what is Romeyo’s problem.So,he was scolding my that two friends also,and he were asking to both of them that whom are you talking about.So,one of my friend started talking to him in hindi,So,Romeyo started to call Malayalam swear words to this friend of mine ,who talked in hindi to him.He said to his friends and siblings that he gets crazy while seeing me and he told them that Harris is the most beautiful person he had ever seen in his life and he considered me as God of Thrissur,so I admitted it.He said to me that we both could dream about our friendship. After meeting,Romeyo,even if my brother in law,Ciril, asks me,what do you see with your eyes,what should I say,that I only see truth and good in everyone while caring for them,also,or when he say that all is my imagination,what should I think,when everyone calls me a girl,that I should think that I am not a girl! Romeyo called me busted and even told that,nurses are people who go to different homes after job for pleasure satisfaction,and their job is good,and he made it out as a public comment in his facebook,for which I asked ciril for.So poor Ciril[as everyone calls him], said to me, that,that is not a problem.I went to see his father and relatives in his home,one day,but I did not see his mother who was tired and working in the kitchen then only I came to know that he is poor and he is working in Dubai,that's why he got money.I asked his relative's next to his home,whether this home is Romeyo's ,they said yes,it is and called his father from inside.They each one of them said to me that Romeyo had already went to Dubai on last July 19th of 2015 and did'nt he give you his phone number.I said "no,he did not,and I said I am Vendore Nimmi's cousin brother and I went back".When Romeyo asked me about my cousin sister,I asked my brother-in-law,Ciril,why would he ask me about my sister,is there any over relation with both of them.So,my brother-in-law Ciril,told me no Romeyo is innocent.So,I asked him,how would you know.She,my sister is now in Dubai.He also.So,my brother -in-law said to me that no Harris,she is my wife now and he said to me that,he himself is involved in this.So,I asked him what,are you crazy,so he said to me yes I am crazy and Harris is also crazy and he said to me,that,Pardon and he with his family shifted to AbuDhabi and changed his job place.I kept on thinking,what in the world is happening in the world.[In Malayalam we simply say like this:Ente Unnishoye,enaa pareekshnamaa idh]. I asked,Ciril[my brother-in-law],that I did not chat with Jayalalitha’s brother,whether not to ask about my sister,when Ciril chat with me on August,2015.Ciril was telling me that he was the president of the Jay Jay group of KCYM[Kerala Christian Young Men’s Association] and was telling me he has hold all over the world,even in Dubai.So,I told come and show me your hold,then I will show you.And I told Ciril,to tell those who are against me,to go and put two farts in front of Ciril while in office,and then also they want to tell foolish things against me,then you yourself put 2 farts[paadhs],with good sound in front of everyone in their office.So,Ciril agreed with me.I do not know whether Ciril was laughing or crying hearing all these.My younger brother hearing all these responded to me “ciril chettante kata pogaa.”. After that,I started to put more than 5 video uploads of video singing of mine in facebook,with my hindi devotional songs,that we used to sing with mummy and nani,and many new release Malayalam,hindi,tamil and kannada songs of that year.Those song videos in facebook,remained there till 4 months after which I reached there in Madhya Pradesh by luck or chance or unexpectedly ,for work and visit and I deleted all of them. Before chatting with him[Romi-Bromi],I had only started to ride my 125 cc bike all over Thrissur area overtaking all buses and cars,across national higway 47,and together with driving my car.After chatting with Romi[Romeyo],I started to ride my 150 cc high weighted bike changing gears,by clutching,roaming speedily across every roads of Thrissur area,for my free enjoyment feeling,together with driving my car.I do not like to wait with my bike in the long traffic queue,under the hot sun,so I usually speed up my car overtaking the whole vehicles and reach at the front somehow,and when the traffic queue gets over,I will be in the front speeding up being the first to go.I usually do not wear shoes or chappals while driving my car.I usually drive bare legged with my small trousers and a simple shirt covering my body and accelerate the accelerator button with my right toe only.So,the car gets easily speeding up,and me being the first.And,usually,I am a fast gear changer while riding my bike…….[while driving my machine,with gun machine sound].Sometimes only,I put brakes at humps on roads.But when traffic signal is red,at Thrissur swaraj round or while people are crossing,I change my gear to 1st,then to neutral,and stop and then start again,clutching and then changing gear to 1st and speeding up changing to 3rd,then,to 4 rth gear.Usually,when I plan in my mind,while riding my bike,or car,I horn a long irritating audible ,to clear the vehicles from the road.I have no shame to do that.I do not like unneccesary obstacles on my way.Many young boys watch this.That time,many boys nearby my street got bike accidents and died a fatal sudden deaths,particularly for Duke bike riders,and their photos were fixed on the next street of ours.I was  very confident,about myself,extraordinarily.Later towards last of August month,I wrote 27 paged letter written by my own hands to each of the family,each one ciril's family,nimmi's family and romeyo's family.I posted those letters from Thrissur town post office,to Vendore,Thumbur and to mannampetta,explaining my condition after friendship talk with Romeyo Chittilappilly Rapheal.During September month of 2015,this Romeyo even tried to kidnap me from Thrissur,by conspiring it with everyone[with his friends like Asmy Varghese,Arnold Sachin,Mini Rapheal,Blessy Thomas,Kiran Babu Akkarapuram,Suneesh Raveendran,Akhil Aqueil Varghese,and Kiran Babu’s other friends]and put public post in facebook,I remember a photo with his friends in a big car.I have never thought to visit Chhattisgarh,before in my life,in my conscious mind.I was searching for jobs near Thrissur that days,and because of all these unusual visions and magics,I wanted to find myself,so to go away from Thrissur,I planned and told my mother ,to tell daddy to book my ticket to Raipur,and to tell badamaama ,that I am ready to come there,for doing job.My badamaama knows everyone in there,because he was brought up there,and he is working there now.Later only,I came to know that this Romeyo is born in Hosur near to Sarjapur-Hosur road border,Bangalore border,in Tamil Nadu state.A malayalam movie was released on September depicting the same song and bus scene in 2015.I saw this film,En ninte Moidheen] on saying by my daddy's elder brother on November 1 ,2015,night.The movie was very famous and there was huge crowd to see the movie. When I saw the bus scene,I am first time watching my life scene on big screen.One child watching the movie was asking me,happily,that everyone says that this is a real story.I shook my head as for acceptance.My cousin brother gave me a hint to go to Chennai,but I said no,I had already booked tickets to Chhattisgarh.If I had not contacted this Romeyo,I would have never seen these happenstances,and would have continued my regular job smoothly,while  finding new other friends.How he got into my mind?Was he already there in it?My cousin sister,Roshan,Velliapappa,my brother,and my mummy told,if that mental patient friend do not like you ,you also do not like him,leave him and that you will get many other friends more. But,I told them,responded to them,even if I leave him from my mind,he is not leaving me. My mummy told me ,leave the past,whatever happened is happened,now start your life of being yourself,and my mummy told everyone knows,who are you and no need to explain.So,I asked her many people behave with me,like they do not know me,who I am,that is why it is needed to explain myself in a right way at the right circumstance.My daddy asked my Velliapappa,when he went to Vendore,with my mother,asking him in a very funny way,for who is this Romeyo.So,my velliapappa,responded to him,he is the boy of Chittilappilly.[“avan aa chittilappilly de chekkana,mannampettayile,nimmide kootkaari,mini de anniyanangdaa”]And,he responded,that he know,Harris told to Velliapaapa about this. On November 2,2015,I went to my birth place for the first time in my life,after my birth; to work there,where my mummy's younger brother is staying in Chhattisgarh[Madhya Pradesh].I got a message in mobile phone that,he had unblocked me when I was moving in the Korba train to Chhattisgarh ,which goes via Chennai from Thrissur.I had already booked the train ticket before 2 weeks of the travel.He started to do public posts like “Wherever you go,this black tiger follows you.”my expression!!(.toon toon; toon toon).On November 4,2015,I reached there at Raipur,at night 11 pm,for the first time and my badamaama came to receive me and I said to him I met with many malayali friends who were residing in Madhya Pradesh,in the train during journey from Thrissur who are staying in Korba and Bilaspur and I told him that we talked with each other during night frankly about boy things and that we shared our contacts.But I did not tell my badamaama about his Romeyo incident that day.He took me to the nearby hotel room,in a cycle autorickshaw that night as he was staying in the CRPF Quarters,so there was no own house for him to make me stay comfortably,that days.First time I am travelling in North Indian cycle autorickshaw[cycle auto pulled by a man for 10 rupees per person],for a long distance.On Novemeber 6,2015,I got job here in the Raipur hospital,after a test,interview and medical procedures.I was very happy and excited ,as I was going to stay there,where my mummy was brought up from her childhood till her marriage.After 2 weeks, reaching Raipur,CG,I heard a news from facebook updates that Chennai city flooded and thousands of people became homeless and starved,and hundreds died and all government institutions were closed in Chennai.I message him again while in Chhattisgarh,after 4 months after getting job there.I was excited again.But he contacted my work mates,workmates who were local Chhattisgarhis and it made me irritated.I did not ,know what to do,to laugh or to cry. After I came to Chhattisgarh in Raipur for working in the year 2015,November 6, I got a malayali room mate,Pratish Lukose,whose parents are living in London and  whose birthday is on 5-8-88. Deepika Padukone’s birthday is on 5-1-86.I got three Malayalam room mates from south side of Kerala who stayed with me in two sharing purpose rooms,very peacefully,for six long months.Is peace coming to me,in situation purpose?I do not know.Then,this song was released there on November December time, during Diwali time,there.I heard this song in the nearby room of mine.The song started"Mash hoor".This song was hearing to my ears ,like bhajan song,when I woke up at the first day in the workplace boy’s hostel,disturbing my sleep, in Pachpedhi Naka,from nearby room of two Chhattisgarhi work mates,namely Sudama Ahirwar’s and Rohit Shivhare’s room from their television.It was heard like a promotion song in a Madhya Pradesh TV Channel.

That time I had fully forgotten,what I learned from history classes in Thrissur SDA School.The word Mastani in the film poster reminded me something and during the first release of the movie on December 18th ,2015,I watched the movie,in nearby Glitz  Carnival movies of Colors Mall in Raipur.Slowly,slowly,I got remembering my past childhood times of my life. I felt it like a death or beginning song.Romi's birthday is on 24-6-.... .The movie which I later only saw in 2017,was released in September,2015,Tamasha,which very much reveals my childhood and friendship story.I started to explore and begun to become adventurous when I reached the new place in Raipur.After coming to Raipur,Chhattisgarh,a famous actor from Thrissur died of kidney failure,who is mimicry artist,singer ,also,died on March 6,2016.This date is similar to my brother-in –law,Ciril's birthday which is on March 6,my cousin sister's husband,who is from Irinjalakuda, who is the only person who criticized me in the year 2015, for the particular friendship moreover than 1 week, during the month of August,2015,at the times of my birthday,in Thrissur.He said to me after hearing the whole incident that to leave this friendship and to leave them otherwise it will affect my attitude.He said to me this may be a cause to another important change and he asked me whether you would talk to him if you see him again.I responded "Yes",and I told him that he was the person who did not talk to me.I told him I cannot forget this friendship because its valuable to me ,but I will try to forget.And he said "May God bless you”. I worked there two months in Emergency,with two weeks night duty and other shifts,and in endoscopy unit under Dr.Sandeep Kumar Pandey and Dr,Manju,with shifts and in out patient ward of Neuro Surgery doctor,Dr,Sanjeev Sharma.My badamaama,Gladwin John,took me to travel till Bhilai,and showed me my birth home,and my birth hospital,and my mummy’s brought up place.Everything,for first time I am observing like a dream come true.I was so happy and excited to see all these in Chhattisgarh. My badamaama took me together to watch movie named Housefull 3,in an old famous theatre of Bhilai.I could not stop laughing watching that movie.If I start laughing,everybody could hear and see my laughing geatures even in the darkness inside the theatre.That is my peculiarity of my laughing to comedies.I laugh till I could not take breaths in.Even with college mates,when I used to watch new movies like My boss in Thrissur,my laughing status and rhythm is always the same.He also took me on the first day of landing in Chhattisgarh to watch the movie,Prem Rathan Dhan Payo,which was newly released that week,of November,2015.I loved that movie also.The movie was very romantic,while watching it in the big screen in Colors Mall,Pachpedhi Naka,Raipur.He also took me with him to witness the Maitri Bagh of Bhilai,were lots of people,a crowd comes every day,mainly on Sundays and holidays,even it is sunny outside.There were a variety of wild and nature in the bagh.I was very tired after the travel and he bought me Chicken biriyani from the old Kerala hotel,where my nana should have eaten with our family in those times,and he bought me chappathi with fish curry and many sorts of dishes he order for me,while we both go together for roaming at Raipur,Chhatisgarh[former Madhya Pradesh].Chhattisgarh is a part of Madhya Pradesh,only.The state was divided in the year 2001,it seems.He also made me visit the old famous stadium of Madhya Pradesh,where on that day,Ranbeer Kapoor and Abhishek Bacchan had came for playing football match at that Stadium.I forgot the name of the stadium .That day,I met in real with Ranbeer Kapoor and Abhishek Bacchan.Aishwarya Rai song,Kajra re,was played in the football stadium,while their teams were playing football on the ground It was a long waiting time for all of us in the crowd,for the stars to get arrived from their nearby luxurious hotel.He also made me visit the old famous churches of Madhya Pradesh,where my mummy,nani and Gladys mausi used to go daily while they were staying at Bhilai.My badamaama said to me,wherever you go,everyone will recognize you.Nursing Superintendent,who is from Goa,were always complaining about my work,but she never sees and watches how my work is done by me.Even if the in charge,Seema Antram, tells Harris has only language problem,and says that he is good in working,and communicating with patients and attenders at time when needed and he is hardworking,this Nursing Superintendent always comes to check me,holding her head high,with angry face.Is this language problem? Actually,these supervisors will also be having adminstrators over them,who asks for employee work improvement.They should also give explanation for that.That is why they are themselves asking us to improve even if we improved our work day by day.That is their work.I got many hindi CG boys to become too close with and we all enjoyed a lot,while roaming outside Raipur,CG. Deepika is the founder of Live Love Laugh Foundation for depression affected human beings and her self revealing video of 2013,I had recently seen in the year 2016 at Chhattisgarh,while my work was going on there.

All hindi doctors and hindi guys started to invite me to their parties,and they make me sing hindi songs with their karoke selections,at luxurious hotels,like Sapphire International,where doctor family parties are going on and we enjoy hindi type of buffet and enjoy all types of food and we return to our own quarters that night.My Bangalore college friend,Sebin Peter was also working there and he became so close friend for me from that day in Madhya Pradesh[Chhattisgarh],and we both go for eating together on sharing purpose and go for evening bike rides till late night and we both usually came to room and talk till we get sleep.My badamaama talked with Pratish and Sebin for me and I gave my brother’s facebook messenger contact to Sebin Peter and they both chat with each other,just saying hi or helping me to communicate.Anu Vishnu[my previous college mate],Manoj,Durugesh,Avinash[Emergency technician staff],Sandeep,Pratish Lukose also offer me bike rides with them.Sebin Peter was a great support for me from all those tiresome and busy days of work in hospital at Raipur.Sebin Peter says to me it is because we like you,that we want to talk to you and to know you,and he tells me do not get frustrated,and he cries,coming to my room, when I cannot understand,whatever he explains to me,while talking with his parents via phone,talking about his girl friend of Irinjalakuda,Thrissur,who rejected him,right from college times in Bangalore,even if he helped her a lot of times with money and food,because she wanted a good looking lamba boy,of Thrissur.Every mates of mine started to like this song,Mastani song,when I came there and they were all singing it in Chhattisgarh,like everyone including Romeyo and Sreeram, thanking Deepika Padukone for changing someone special.A tamilian named Manoj,[who himself has heart ailments thinking about his odiya girl friend,Moti], was not aware of anything about me[Harris],even if he studied in my college at Bangalore,and was complaining could Harris go and die.Everyone were jealous of me,following the release of the movie,Bajirao Mastani,while I reached newly there to work.I do not know,what it is to be so jealous of me.I did not act in that Mastani movie,then why!?They changed my working places,weekly and always talking about my speedy and good performance.When I started to respond,they were telling,started to tell,Harris’ performance is good,he is matron’s son,like that.I just messaged hi from the Chhattisgarhi office boy’s messenger to Romeyo’s messenger chat.I did not think he will respond to it.But this fool,accepted his message request on April 2,2016,and he did every video chat,messaging with that office boy,who is about his age and who himself is married,and told that Chhattisgarhi office boy,to delete the message history,then he told that office boy,whom he have no previous friendship,to show this messaging done by himself to the office boy,Raj,to show it to Harris,and the office boy,Raj acted like this like Romeyo had came here in Raipur via flight within 2 hour journey and this office boy took leave from work for 3 days,to see the Raipur IPL match of that month,and after that when he came to work,the office boys says to me,that he was fooling me.That time it was the hottest time in Madhya Pradesh area.And our room bed and walls would be hot like a burned iron rod.After work,if we reach our room and put a cooler also,the heat inside the room,will not go outside.What should I believe,that this Romeyo came there or not?!One month after exactly,my Nana died of heart attack.You,all say,will Harris get disturbed in work with all these,caused by this guy named Romeyo.I started to get dizziness feeling,nauseated ,vomiting and even dysentry feeling.I do not know,is it side effects of true love?But I continued going with my routine work.Why should he even contact with an office boy who directly works with me,that whom he do not have any previous friendship,that too me after coming here for the first time.After 3 months,on July 4,this office boy begotten a baby girl named Somiya,from his wife,Bhagwanti.And me,irritated by these things,even if I worked everyday there with the office,after which this Raj said to me that IPL match was going on,and after that this office boy,smiles at me in a funny way and do not even talk to me,so I complained this activity by this office boy with this Thrissur Romeyo,whom I had a long deep friendship,with several complications,to my Human Resource Assistant Manager,Associate director,Assistant Superintendent,because it was causing so much delay in my work,without proper communication with the workmates in my office,because of this office boy,and this office boy telling everyone in my hospital about this Romeyo ‘s foolishness,speaking to everyone in a loud manner.Raj keeps on telling that Romeyo is a fool,he keeps on video chatting with Raj,while he go to home,after work,while his wife will not be there at home or while she is sleeping,tell me everyone,what should I think?And this Romeyo supports Raj for telling all these.Is this Thrissur guy ,a fool?or do he have any sadistic mind or is he insane?A safety officer who earns more than Rs.50,000 per month in Dubai with an office boy,who earns Rs.10,000 per month!?Why does he wants to do all these dirty things with an office boy who directly works with me an why does he wants to disturb my work?Why cannot he search for any other boy to do all these dirty things?That too in my new work place,that I do not know,whether I am temporary or not. I did not do anything with him,and he with an unknown office boy ,coming here where my mother’s family lived there from 1950 till 1989,and he without seeing any value in myself ,coming to enjoy his sex with this unknown office boy,from Fujairah,Dubai,that too when his wife is pregnant and when this office boy’s wife has gone to her mother’s home at Raigarh,and when this office boy were alone at his home at Raipur.Is there this much speciality and value in that office boy,for him to come and see and to enjoy sex too and helping this office boy with money,while his wife's delivery is going on.The office boy and other staff were giving me hints of his coming,and telling me that he came when it was Holi time and when it was holiday for our work in our hospital and after that when I respond or ask,they tell me that no,he has not came,he will come during IPL match at Raipur.I did not feel any speciality in that office boy who has a wife and child.If that Romeyo,feel a value in that office boy,why should I value this ignorant Thrissur guy,Romeyo!.If they all do not know about me,clearly and if they do not know anything about my past,why should they tell like this,so as to disturb my work!.I do not know the way or road to this office boy’s home.Even if I tell anything to his wife,about my situation,this uneducated wife of this office boy,will not understand anything.And all other staffs tell me this Gendhram[Raj Chouhan] himself is mental.What should I do?Tell me.Why cannot he mind his own business,if he got lots of money earning from Dubai,out of his poor status.If he thinks ,I am the reason for the success of his job area,why cannot he himself talk to me directly,why should he know my whereabouts through an office boy,that I have no previous friendship with,or if he came to know that Raj[office boy],after I came newly to Raipur and Bhilai,after 26 years.If he do not know Harris,why should he contact an office boy,in my office?Do not he have a present status?Does Romeyo,this Thrissurite,have any problem within himself or do he want to make me think that he,himself is wrong or irritating!?Meanwhile my Nana[grandfather[mummy's daddy]],who has worked in Bhilai only for more than 40 years; died on 2-5-2016.He was admitted in the hospital in Thrissur,due to high temperature.He died in his Vadookara home,at morning.I could not see his death,because ,I could not suddenly take leave from work and go otherwise I would have loose my job.I was my grandfather's beloved first born grandson in Bhilai.I just messaged hi from this office boy’s messenger,to this fool,Romeyo’s messenger,on January 25 or 26 ,of 2016,I think,to ensure his reponse and attitude.But,he responded after 3 months and did all these negative things like these.What should I do?After,my nana died,I revealed this matter of mine to my uncle,because there is many unusual happenings for this friendship contact,so he told tell that fool Romeyo,that our family will kill him and cut him to pieces,if again he contact some stranger like this without previous knowing and to never have contact with this bad minded insane person like Romeyo and to be never in contact with cousin sister’s husband who do not understand you as a family and he told if they are going on thinking wrong about you,that they are going to suffer.My daddy,brother and mummy also told me never speak anything about those fools,Ciril and Nimmi to us.Let they go,if they cannot understand you.And the Assistant general manager, ,was asking me,that Romeyo,he is a boy,if he contact a office boy,what is the problem for you?I asked him in return,do a boy do like these activities.Do you know,this office boy named Raj Chouhan[Gendram Chouhan],whom Romeyo,this Thrissur contact of mine,who have no previous contact with Gendh,only after me coming here newly whom Romeyo calls Gendram that his face looks same as himself,because both are black and fight for themselves for looking the same in all manners.What should I think,whether he came or not,and whatever happened with him(Romeyo) and with the office boy(Raj Chouhan).I have never video chat with anybody or with this Romeyo,then why should he contact this office boy who directly works with me.Did he want to cheat me?Do any trusted contact in our homeland do like this?I have no laptop or anything to chat with anybody like this in those times.I got a laptop as a gift from my parents,only 5 months ago.Is this Romeyo stupid or insane?Do not he have common sense to interact with people,whom he have already met in terms with?And this Gend was spreading messages and rumors all over the hospital,that Romeyo is a girl and she is Harris’ girlfriend and Romeyo is that office boy’s girlfriend now forever,even after my nana died on that month of May.Because,because of this unwanted responses from this office boy,my incharge changed my workplace for 2 weeks to another place,that when I was there only while heeding with the new shifts and works,a message came to my mobile from my daddy for the first time,while working in the afternoon,that I later looked for the message,as something unusual happened,and when I saw the message ,after my duty,at hostel,in the heated room,while I was alone and tired at my room,from my daddy,that our nana is no more,that he died in the morning,suddenly my eyes got widened up in surprise and like some unusual thing has happened and I just outburst with my tears and with difficulty in taking breaths,and immediately,I got a call,while I could not move from my bed room, my brother from England called me and I could not talk properly to him,because of my sigh sounds and headache feeling,while I received his call. I saw that Thrissur contact as a boy and contact with him from 2014,towards the last of October.I ask everyone,this Romeyo,who fight for this,do he have a personality of his own!?If all these happened to you all,while your trusted contact in your homeland do to you,with your workmate,will you remain silent and look and mind your own business?Think and tell.I had already told this romeyo not to chat with my workmate,otherwise it will cause harm to me and you only but he did not heed my words and started chatting with that office boy after blocking my messages again on April 25,2016.Even after my Nana died,Raj started to play this song Deewani Mastani loudly while I am working at worktime,as ordered by Romeyo.Everytime I asked my workmates about Gendram's(ballram's) whereabouts.So,one of my workmate,Tanuja asked me oneday is Gend ,a ball?So,Harris is asking for Gend,like asking for a ball?I started to think,because this Romeyo contacted this Chhattisgarhi unknown office boy who directly works with me and because of me coming newly to here in Madhya Pradesh,that Nana got breathlessness and heart attack that morning on May 2,2016.On April 23,2016,it was his birthday,and during easter,when I called my mummy,she gave the phone to Nana,because she was in Vadookara talking with Nana and Nani and he spoke to me very happily like asking me Harris e,where are you now?Nee evdya ipo?In Malayalam he spoke,I told him Nana,in Raipur,near Bhilai,in Madhya Pradesh working and I told him,I like here.I asked him,whether he is alright?He said yes.Then my mummy was talking to me.I think my Nana gave the phone to my mummy.And I went to check,with all my anxiety to Nagpur airport,to know whether he has came there for checking passenger records and on return journey a thief boy from Shankar Nagar of Raipur stole and ran of with my new Lava mobile phone,acting like he was helping me to charge my mobile with his charger.This Chhattisgarhi boy was showing me his Intex 3G Android mobile phone,and smiling and talking to me with my response.He did not have train ticket for himself and he was helping me to charge my Lava 3G Android mobile phone,because there were no space to place the phone,he put it in his bag.We both were sitting on either sides of the general compartment,facing each other and I slept,after talking to him.When train reached Raipur at 6 am,it was still dark outside and in the compartment and he jumped to the platform from the crowd of passengers,from the slow stopping train,and vanished,before I was upto ask my mobile from him.How could I jump from that train without previous planning? Immediately in the morning I filed a criminal case with every information of the mobile missing,I do not know what happened to the thief boy after that.First time,someone is stealing something from me,while I am outside,without my full knowledge or without my full idiotism or without my full conscience,if someone is stealing something from me, for the first time.Everything is happening for the first time,after this chat with Romeyo.Why is this happeneing?Is it because this Romeyo is a thief?And on the next day I bought a mobile phone which cost less.I bought same company mobile phone,which this thief boy had in his hand,yes because I wanted his end from my soul,Intex 2G Android mobile phone ,with my balanace Rs.4500 salary,from Lal Ganga Shopping Mall,Raipur.Today,also I am using the same Intex mobile phone.My previous Lava 3G Android mobile phone had cost Rs.5500 only.We were less salaried person,salaried Rs.15,000 per month.Every month,I sent my Rs.11,000[total 9 months 11,000 INR ,I sent to home,so total,99,000 INR,that time,I sent to home],out of my salary[stipend] amount to my mother’s SBI Account,for home maintanence at Thrissur.Rest of the salary were only with me,only Rs.4000 or less amount with me in Raipur,for my daily expenses.I complained,very tensely, that I could not speak while complaining,but only to search for words while talking to that lady who sits as the head of the company and only to weep without sound,thinking about all the past things that they do not know and me thinking about my nana dying,that I thought ,while I was standing at the bus stand near to the Bini Complex in Thrissur ,on September of 2015,waiting for the bus for Aranattukara,I shed tears,just a one day before boarding train to Chhattisgarh,thinking whether my nana would die if I go to Madhya Pradesh for the first time.A mix of feelings were coming to my entity.I was not able to accept the reality coming to me,and surrounded by this much people standing around me. My nana was very active and he even talked and shouted to the malayali nurses ,who tried to restraint his hands and legs by tieing it to the bed corners with slings,for giving him forceful ryle’s tube[mook-kayar[as thrissur malayalis say]] insertion,at Thrissur Elite Hospital near to Koorkenchery.Every people in the authority were standing as a group around me,as the office was a glass boundary,so everyone could see.I was getting the feeling of coming out from London,while the London college authority terminated me from their college.I was very overwhelming felt,that I could never see my nana again and there is no one like nana again to call me Harris like he do.My uncle was standing beside me that day,seeing me weeping like this for the first time he is watching me weeping.He got confused and he thought that it is a drama,but no it was not.If it was a drama,and if I am very enthusiased to play drama,I would have acted in movies and express myself,and earn lacs of money from it,to spent it unwantedly.My badamama is a Madhya Pradesh type,because he was brought up there from his birth,though his daddy and mummy[my nana and nani],are Thrishoor born malayalis.My uncle told me me that Harris,that he do not know anything about your past life and to tell him everything whatever happened.But,I was not in a time,to say everything about me,after that.And other male staffs like Raju bhayya,say to me in a serious manner,that he may have came or may not.What happened is happened.It is Gendram’s and your friend’s love friendship,and he is not your friend though,now,and this staff is telling me to leave Romeyo and Gendram alone.And Gendram is smiling at me looking at me,watching this and telling directly to me,this office boy,who is black in color,and who have about my height and who has more size than me and who have no education more than 7th standard is telling me that he is my life,and in a careless and ignoring manner he is telling me to find any other friend,and telling me to suffer this loss of yours and after calling me swear words in hindi in the hospital and after that, telling to me,even if you complained,he now also have contact with him.Is this some sort of assault and sexual harassment that too in the hospital premises,that should be reported and action should be taken,by the ignorant Human Resource Department of that hospital.And the human resource manager and my uncle were supporting this office boy,for whatever he did to me.Is this some sort of awareness to be given to these less educated people,as to know how to behave with people in their work place.I was too co-operative with all the staffs and my work was good. In this hospital,there were many colleagues telling me that Harris’ eyes is very bright and good to see.That was the biggest mistake that I had done,to do my work co-operating with them and by trusting them.Gendram’s birthday is on 7th of June,and Romeyo’s on 24th of June.What should I think?One of my Bangalore college mate,came to Raipur boy’s hostel,from Kuwait,on leave from his work as a staff nurse,to see his past mates,in there.His name is Bibin Lal.He was drunk that night and is telling to others,that he will never allow Harris to marry some other person,in this life.All was because of his jealousy reasons towards me.By listening to this ,I could not sleep that night,together with my migraine pain on the head,during the hottest month of June 2016.I thought,he was saying like that ,because he had hit his head on the moving ceiling fan,while he was getting up from the upper cot,during our college boy’s hostel time in Bangalore and had put many stitches on his head during the first year.Those days,it usually rains heavily in Madhya Pradesh area at nights with lightning,so the roads gets flooded,and we cannot walk at night through roads.There are many poisonous snakes in the town area of Madhya Pradesh cities.Mainly these snakes would be crawling beside the canals on the either side of the tarred roads.We cannot know,when would these snakes will come across our legs while walking through these flooded roads during rainy season at nights.So,I assured myself not to go out at nights for roaming in the city,when these rainy season started,there.My doctors who works with me said to me watching my inseure feelings at the work place,after all this happened,to continue with your work or to move on.Whatever happened is happened . So,I resigned my job,assuring myself why should I remain in Chhattisgarh,to degrade my value minute by minute like this,before others and my uncle took me to his home in Madhya Pradesh[Chhattisgarh],at Telibandha and I was suffering from a great migraine that time,but I managed to do my daily activities and made my uncle and his son,delicious non veg and veg foods together with rice,before they both arrive home,from their school and work,tired,because my aunty,Sophia was in Thrissur with her daughter and with my nani,that time. They liked the food,which I made for them.Then I became ok,but I left from there and went to Thrissur,because I was feeling I could not remain there in Madhya Pradesh,anymore.I still have contact with Seema Antram,and she wishes me good luck.What should I do?Act crazy and stupid and stand like a statue,as I did before in front of everybody,in front of my parents,relatives,cousins and Thrissur school mates.With my salary,when I reached Thrissur.,every colleague and my neighbours and mates started to think,are there two people with same feelings and soul personality.My neighbourhood people say,everyone are fearing about Harris’ speed,whether it is speed while doing job or speed while driving car or while riding bike or speed while walking.So,I started to slow down,calm myself and reassuring myself,taking a deep breath and releasing through my mouth,after expenditure of my energy in any form,and then again I speed up my actions.And one of my neighbour said me congratulations very contently.I bought a silk saree,a festive saree for my mummy and a silk mund[dhothi] and a new shirt for my daddy. I got terrible migraine due to the sad thought together with the 49 or 50 degree temperature of CG,which continued for 3 weeks and I could not concentrate on my job,so I had to come back to Thrissur on November 30,2016.After reaching Thrissur from Chhattisgarh,my daddy took me with mummy and with his Malayalam assistant director friend’s picnic to Wayanad.The director is actress Menaka’s brother-in-law.And everyone in the traveller,while we all started from Thrissur palace road,started to knew my presence,as I was with my daddy and also with mummy.It was a 3 day trip in the year 2016.We as a group of many young men and women and me,danced and sang newly released Malayalam,hindi and naati songs around a heated camp fire,in that forest area,behing our luxurious hotel area,in that cold night,and after that we were served excellent food..Excellent trip.What was his[Romi’s], purpose of chatting with me,to get into a friendly relation or to make me a star,or to confess himself before me and to reveal himself!?I am the one who should be called as a senior by my present seniors,by suffering all these things in my life.Did they suffer any of the things that I did suffer and they are calling me a child,while working with them.After his chat,towards me in Thrissur in the year 2014 till 2015 and from then onwards,what happened to me,if I explain you all,you would not believe me,because for first time it was happening to me like that.Many boys say to me that you do not look and feel like 29,you are felt like 24 or 20 age groups.My mummy say your mind is strong.There is a great difference,in the reality of my life and for what you all boys and girls,imagine my life as a joke.Does Imaginations become real in life? .Do co-incidences repeat everytime in life?My daddy has two years for his retirement from his government service in Railways,as he got job in government earlier than my mother,with his distinction and my mummy has five years for her retirement from her State Bank Of India,from her government service.Now,I say thanks to that celebrity.After watching Om Shanti Om movie of Deepika and Shah Rukh Khan,in Bangalore in the year 2007,then after that I accepted her super model face,then I did not watch her movies.Then after this major incident which happened in my life with a person called Romeyo,in 2014,many movies started to release everywhere,in Malayalam,tamil,hindi and in other languages with 2nd of August and movies and songs with connecting name with Hari,atlast this song of Mastani and at last on August 11,2017,a movie of Shah Rukh Khan,name Jab Harry Met Sejal.Shah Rukh Khan's name was never known to be Harry in his previous old movies.Harry for first time,his name.I have never known about Deepika’s acting till when Mastani movie was released,after the movie and song Mastani released then only I came to know that her body language in acting started to become like me,which equalled me,and revealed my identity,then as usual my home inThrissur has no wifi connection,so when I came to Bangalore in May 2017 and stayed in paying guest accommodation,which had high speed wifi connection in Rajarajeshwari Nagar,then when I searched for watching the movie Tamasha,then only I realized the link of my story to her.Some ignorant people compare Mastani movie with old movies like Hum dil de chuke sanam,etc.I do not know what is the need of it comparing a much new generation movie with old movies like that which had released in 1999.Was the release era of both movies where on the same time?There were many change of our Indian constitution of law in terms of freedom of love etc:Without crosschecking anything,you can say anything without even checking the story differences and similarities. .My family wished me good luck for this,but its not speedily happening.But I do not know.My family members are not famous among people or from movie background. However,Deepika also revealed her depression story,in 2013,after which I revealed my depression status to the society in June,2012. I do not know,whether mine and Deepika's story is a co-incidence;or whether she studied me right from,when I was in Bangalore,or been told by somebody to help,whom I know very well.Because I was also very famous in Bangalore in matter of loneliness,not having close friends and in terms of singing,acting and love, while I studied there from 2006 till 2011.My new friends in Bangalore says to me that if a girl propose Harris,she will surely like you.Subhash later studied and worked in Bangalore from the year 2006.Is there any connection with Subhash and the present happenings with me,because he studied and worked later in Bangalore or his many of his friends were from Bangalore,or if his any friends have any connection with this so-called actress.Because if he has told anyone indirectly or because this actress,were a famous child model in Bangalore from her beginning till then.When I asked,my mummy,about Padukone family,during last year,she told,yes she knows,padukone family is very famous in Goa and Konkani area.Do daddy know anyone of the padukone family,or do my mummy knew someone there,who is related to their family,so they would have known about a silent boy like me in Goa.I was a small boy that time,I do not know,where do my daddy go,or my mummy go to meet new people in Goa,while they go to work or other family functions!?Deepika was born to both konkani speaking Goan parents,which where I first started living.Or is it the sight of that girl which I met in the train with her mother made me like that ,while I reached Thrissur from Goa in the year 1996?Or was it my sight on her?


I think my mummy did not reveal her name,the girl’s name ,whom we met in the train with her mother,did not reveal it to me because she wanted to keep it with herself,because she got some vision,like a sixth sense,that my sight and the girl’s sight in the train will make out a change for a great future for sure.My mummy again she says Deepika and all go through flight only,not through trains.I asked her whether Deepika during childhood travel through flight for spending vacations in nearby places or to go to visit their relative’s home!My mummy then did not tell me anything but she told me not to make herself confused and crazy.


My daddy that is why from his energy from his sub conscious ,sent me to Bangalore for college studies.Elder people will surely have more experiences and visions than us,who are only growing up.


Is there any connection?Her parents shifted to Bangalore city because,this city is very famous for Badminton courts and players and her father too was a famous badminton player and known all over India.From Bangalore Royal college,we used to be sent for training and degree board practical exams ,for 2 months from our college at Uttarahalli,each year,from the year 2007 till 2010 to Malleshwaram government hospital,in the city centrium,which is near Sheshadripuram town road,which is near,where,Deepika’s parents Padukone’s residential home is situated.Deepika also studied at Sophias college,which is situated at the Lal Bagh Botanical Garden Gate Road,near Fun World and she continued her degree college in Arts till the beginning of 2007,then she discontinued, the course because of the acting offers and her modelling career.After growing up as a teenage guy to an adult,I have never seen her, face to face.I do not know,whether she had seen me in real somewhere,else. Are there same people with same feelings? Is Deepika inspired my story or Am I inspired by her.How her all 3 or 4 movies became all hit together in the year 2015??Did she potrait real life situations into acting?She is 2 years and 8 months older than me..I thank for her hardwork,also I love me. Her expressions co-incide with me.how is this?Is this acting?May be.I like to be successful like her,battling with her loneliness,depressing moods and dreams ,fullfilling her dreams.Acting comes from observation ,right?Even if she have problem in mingling,and imitated me,she overcame it by her modelling career to be a star,actor.So,I consider her as my sister or friend.I like to share love with all people.


If this Anupam Kher and all say that Deepika attended her acting classes,very punctually,for proving it to media,it is all necessary for him,he might be getting money for saying that.He may not be knowing,who did Deepika study her acting from,all this time,to get the best actor award for the first time in 2015.Don’t Deepika can see that she is acting crazy in all these movies?It is said to be that Bajirao was addicted to Mastani,his 2nd wife,how in this movie Mastani is addicted to the story of her love,before it became famous!?Why should film makers like Karan Johar compare me with someone great.Cannot they see.Do not they have common sense.If they lag in judgement,I will also lag.There is no magic in it. If Deepika Padukone is a Denmark born,hindi[Konkani],kannadiga,why should she even copy links from malayali cultured people and even not revealing her nack of observing someone whoever resides in Kerala?I have never seen any kannadiga liking malayalam culture.Why does she?Do she have any malayali link from the culture and capital of Kerala?My mummy says,she always wanted to be happy only and she do not want to be unhappy. Because,It happened to me like this in school times,college days and later after coming from London and when it affected my friendships and relations,I had to explain my experiences in ife,otherwise,no one will,know,that who I am and for who I was.Do not mind,if you all got frustrated listening to my life story.Tell me with all these miseries caused to me by others,yes,by others,from Goa,you will all say it is all caused by me only,right?,would I smile like this whole heartedly,if it was not me,or any other person,to whom all these miseries were caused by others.Or am I a snake,so that I should not touch any human being or am I a snake,so that every human being should hate me and make me like a no one,causing my head to be crazy?!Am I, also an enemy for every one who behaved with me like this,that is why everyone behaving with me like this.If today’s girls or Deepika were a boy,she will do the same like me ,know,or like today’s boys or men,she will also do,if Deepika was a boy,then why should she have partiality between girls and boys.Why does she hate boys and men and why should she abuse boy kind?




If Deepika,think that she is the only Mastani,let she sing beautifully like Masatani did in ancient times.Not just the donkey tune,like Deepika,usually do to sing.Any actress could dance,like she do.Deepika could only act like Mastani,in that only movie,which was released after all of my or her effort.No one knows from whom she imitated that acting of Mastani.Otherwise she should tell openly,that she did not imitate,real character of Masatani,out of a real person’s effort.She should tell that she did not imitate any living person,who lives at present.Deepika should tell that she did not help anyone,to know his/her ‘s real self,for her gaining of material wealth.Why do she remain as an icon of Madhya Pradesh,if she does not belong to there?And why should she make the viewers fools,by not revealing her real self of imitating,someone whom she knows very well.No other actresses in India has became this much feminist like Deepika.If deepika is a feminist,why should not I become a masculinist!?Any actress after they get success,they could make their own depression story.Nobody is going to blame them.Why do people are not aware of that ,actors studies by observing other people. Do anyone have a rejection for what I am telling?Why should women abuse and rape even a 5 year old boy,who even does not know what sex is,and the boy who is told to be beautiful and if the boy is also excel in artistic fields.When something happens to you all,then only one could understand their own self of being abused,also later isolated from everybody in this world and later thrown out from job,just because we smiled or for the reason that we did the job sincerely,and for being expressive and for showing courtesy in job.If these are the mistakes,which I did,is this the punishment from you all to be given to me?For standing for the right!?Why should these women isolate a boy like this and make him feel dirty of himself?Are men,the only dirty ones in the world?Why would you not tell women,are dirty,and men who behave like women,who uses,abuses and who make beautiful 5 year old boys ,feel themselves dirty and useless?Particularly,boys of that kind who may be abused may be having language problem and cannot express their reaction,due to fear of calling to be dirty,at a much younger age and they also if excel in artistic activities and if they are misunderstood,and ridiculed at job areas and called to be gay,it is so stressful,to them,you all cannot understand.I can feel it.There were many immature boys,though of my age,without knowing me,did illegal dirty things with each other,and started with me,even without the knowledge of myself in the boy's hostel of Channasandra ,Bangalore,and also they did not reveal it to anybody.They do not express their life in apositive way.Am I like that,negatively patronized?Should I support boys,who excel in artistic and beauty fields,if they have been sexually abused by women,women who have these seductive,dirty and filthy mind in them to abuse boys?If these women,you tell that they are mother,sister,wife and everything.If women become like this telling abusive languge and words for silly things,after these boys grow up after late teenage and in work places and isolate these boys and these boys become friendless and later called to be gay and misunderstood,then,what should these broken hearted boys do and who should be punished,these innocent boys or these filthy minded women population?Later only,I knew,this song Mash hoor mere…Deewani Mastani ho Gayi….won the National award for the song dance,in 2016. I told the same thing to Romi’s elder sister,through online public chat, that I do not want a sucker to be my friend,and I informed her to tell this to her younger brother.Is this love[sneham].Actually Romeyo do not have any friendship with me after he had blocked me  and he was using my weakness of language problem and friendlessness that he know it before that I will ask about Akhil,then he used Akhil,because I asked about Romi to Akhil,then he told Akhil to go and stand in the railway station,while I was leaving from Thrissur to Madhya Pradesh for the first time,as if nothing had happened between him and Akhil,and Romeyo knew when I get new job at new place,that Harris will get new mates and Romeyo could chat with them also,so as to fool Harris,as if he had came to see Harris’ new mates,though he has not came or spent money for them,and he do all these,because he himself was silent in Matha school,while Mini was his elder sister studying with him in the same school,but when Nimmi ,my sister joined that school in 8th standard of Mini’s time,he imagined Nimmi and started to become mental,like he got a sixth sense about a silent and friendless brother with Nimmi,that he started to catch and do dirty things with his mates while in classroom and outside classroom.He had a wish to meet Nimmi’s silent friendless brother,but the 2 wishes collided and clashed and became a crisis,because of his bad attitude about himself with other living beings here in the world.I was not with Nimmi,studying with her in the same school,and I was not near to her home,though she was my relative,as to imagine and do dirty things with other boy mates of mine.He,Romeyo was near to her home and studying in the same school where she studied.And I do not know why he is doing this to me, as for confessing his sins and mistakes to me that he used me,usually it is like that.Let everyone know,there is nothing to hide.




My story, Its reality.It sense too different than an imagination,than to take like a joke.I do not miss my Goan childhood,because it is still present in me.The energy and tears that I wasted till now.My mummy tells,everyone knows who you are,but leave them,who keeps everything about you as a secret,and concentrate in your present job.My brother asks me for why Harris, chetan’s eyes changes its expressions.[chettante kanninte expression epzhum maarikond irikyunu,explanation tharaamo..].I say to him,my daily job and its intermingling with daily people,taking care,smiling everything cause the changes.My daddy gifted me a laptop shopping it from through flipkart,and I liked it and said a silent thankyou to him while at Chiyyaram,and I did its software settings for 200 INR,at a home appliance company in Kuriachiara,and I started to dream what to do with this laptop.I do not feel any rejection for why white people hate black people.I am not surprised,because,black coloured people,make white coloured people feel down,while they discourage the white good looking talented guys,without knowing them properly.All things are connected yaar.I was hated,because,of my distance of my home from school,distance of my new home from my relatives,unable to free contact,lack of mates from nearby my home,lack of knowledge of Thrissur[because I was brought up and born in different places],changing of places,anxiety problem and language problem and due to purity of mind.It is not about colour,it is about your vision,present situation[circumstances]and attitude towards fellow being and fellow men.But,I do not hate black coloured people. Why should I make my life a bad impression and meaningless,if there is no point of reacting to their useless comments on me,as thought by these negative minded malayalees,when I have something good in me?Even Advocates,Police,Doctors,Government Officers,Bus Conductors,whom I meet closely,everyday, behave friendly towards me,because when they understand me.I love them.I love everyone. During IELTS studies in Thrissur Boon on the 5th floor,,one English grammar teacher was saying to me looking from far,Harris you are looking smart today morning than other boys in this class.What is the reason.So,I told her,I do not know ma’am,may be because it is early morning at 9 am.They still contact me now.I was planning to go to Ireland,after changing the plan to go to London,with my decision.Last May ,towards the end,of 2017,after finishing my IELTS classes,and after watching Ezra movie and Care off Saira Banu,both seen same in Jose theatre,in Thrissur,and because of many celebrity actress kidnapping news all over the channels for the first time in Kerala,that too first time in Thrissur region,by a famous celebrity whom was loved by Kerala people,and an another news of a 19 year old engineering student abused,bullied and killed by a principal and by his associates in college office,and when the victim’s weary and unconscious mother[amma],dragged through roads of capital city of Kerala by Kerala police,that too by women police,while she went to the government police headquarters for pleading of arresting of that principal,and many other new problems like a young boy did suicide,while social workers of Kerala,put his photos and videos with his girl friend,in facebook and his friends and lakhs of people were making fun of both the boy and girl after putting comments under the video,after which,when these social workers blackmailed him and the girl for money were spreading all over the news channel,all these happened near to Thrissur at Palakkad and after my Nana’s 1st death anniversary at Little Flower Church,Vadookara,Thrissur and after my cousin sister’s marriage ceremony with a young man from who is from Parapur,who also working in Dubai and after dancing at their final ceremony,while the singer tall fair girl,called me ,particularly,me and no other guy,for dancing with her while singing,I danced,like round with her,and I became surprised,because for the first time,someone is calling me,hesitatingly,yet happy ,I went with her among the crowd witnessing this.My family were happy watching this,and this came in their camera,and also after a retreat in divine and after communicating with many mates in Thrissur ,like Shilin Joshy[Palakkal],Titto Tony[Thaikkatussery],Sinto[Chelakottukara],Jerin PK[Guruvayur].[Titto and Sinto,my brother Dennis’ friends[classmates] also]. Bijoy James,from ,Irinjalakuda,Bebetto Ignatius,from Thiruvananthapuram,Yesudas Lorance from Attingal,Thiruvananthapuram,Prince Davis from Chalakuddy,.Yesudas' birthday is on May 25.My Veliapappa said to me,about the importance of the date May 25,in the year 2012.He discontinued his studies,but still studying,he works both full time and part time in Anjala Wedding Photo Studio in a group of 5 members.He wanted to host his team,when my wedding day comes,perhaps if the day comes. We were all very friendly after reaching our respective homes,but,Yesudas because of his jealousy reasons and because of my love and friendship reasons towards Yesudas,we both fought with each other,online,one and a half month ago,because of his negative posts related to me and because of my situation that time.Bijoy works in Kuwait.He is of my same age and born on August 4,1988.Bijoy James,when I said to him,about my life,then he started to ask me whether Harris,have you seen Deepika before in your life.So,I said no,but as I said,I only know her because I was studying  in Bangalore,and my principal who is a lady is famous there in Bangalore and because of this sudden friendship with Romeyo.And I said to him that I want first to publish my life story .Bebetto and Prince are still studying in degree college.I saw Bebetto,Prince,Yesudas and Bijoy at Chalakuddy at Divine nagar. I suddenly changed my plan and I came here again in Bangalore[Bengaluru],after five and a half years.In Bangalore also,when I came here,the young people and older people started to think whether I am Deepika personified.I wanted to meet Deepika’s parents who were residing in Seshadripuram,Bangalore,a town which is only 5 kms away from the city.I came from Thrissur,via Mysore through thehill forest check post and it was too cold that night.Only few passengers were there in the bus,only 7 or 8 of them.The bus stopped the whole night at the forest check post at Gudalur.Only morning,it started again.I was observing the Mysore road way after once when I was 6 year old,me gone to Mysore for picnic with my parents and small brother from Goa.After I reached Bangalore,catching another bus to Bangalore from Mysore,I planned to meet them,Deepika’s parents.Her father,Prakash Padukone’s badminton court and association is nearby only Canara Union Association,at Yesvanthpur Road,18th cross,Malleshwaram,near to Mysore lands and 8th cross,malleshwaram.I asked the bus passenger,a middle aged retired guy,so he asked why are you asking their address,so I told I just want to meet Prakash Padukone,so he told me go straight via Mantri Mall or Mantri Greens way,after getting down from bus at Central bus stop.But the security told me,that Padukone family shifted to Mumbai,after hearing Harris’ arrival.And they do not want an another Deepika Padukone.I was feeling very funny,about the situation,after that security told me like that.Rain started to pour down heavily from that day in Bangalore[Bengaluru].


So,I stayed here at Rajarajeshwari Nagar at paying guest accommodation,and while I was there,I started searching for job at many places and I saw the Tamasha movie,for the first time,using public wifi connection in you tube video channel and I joined at an acting and modelling company and I kept on communicating with them,about myself .After I reached Bangalore again,I began to explore,become wild and to be adventurous with young people who are about my age and many of them became my friends with contact for long term basis and My mother and my brother were pressurising me and insisting me for my work in nursing in a hospital,and after that you could do it as part time,your artistic job.So,I said to them,no I want to be a full time artist.At last I got a salaried 19,000 rupees job at St.Martha’s Hospital,after a long interview process.First time,in Bangalore,the place where I studied,I am facing a good interview,with 4 of the heads sitting in front of me.Each of them asked me about me,to say about yourself and I told everything about myself,and that because I usually see this hospital while I go by college bus,to the hospital from college via this way,so that time in 2007,I was interested to work in this hospital.So,they selected me,and took me as their staff,after medical fitness procedures. I was the only male nurse selected by them,together with other 3 female nurses.I went home at Thrissur,after informing my mummy that I got a job,to bring extra dresses and luggage.That time my acting company were calling me to Thrissur for acting and ad offers and roles,but I wanted to get a job and remain permanent in it,so I explained the acting agent,and I started working in St.Martha’s Hospital,but my stay was too far and at Uttarahalli that time,and everytime I was late for work at hospital, after travelling in the bus and coming for work due to traffic nuisance in the city, and I reached at my paying guest accommodation late at night at Channasandra and because I did not get a pg accommodation nearby the hospital in the city,I continued staying there near Uttarahalli only and all other sisters and nurses were very co-operative,well mannered and good with me and they made me learn all new working procedures and they were happy with my busy and happy nature in work and because I was very obedient to them,because I liked working with them,but one south malayali nurse,was showing off and telling negative things to me about the hospital,and complaining about me to the head unnecessarily and this nurse was telling about the principal of my college where I finished my studies,and unfortunately I was put to night duty with this hateful nurse and she is shouting at me,during morning duty, in front of the patients that she could not work with you at night.The night duty has not even started for me and she is telling like this and always speaking to me in Malayalam south kerala slang.This nurse was already told by the head of the department,that not to speak to Harris in Malayalam,but only in English language.I got stressed and asked her,why cannot you speak in a coherent good manner and why is she shouting like this,then after that I became so much stressed out that I could not concentrate in my job,my mind became stuck somewhere.If I become one minute late also this moon faced short white nurse complains to the head.Oh.my God.If I come fifteen minutes early also,she will be there in the station,talking about me to the head,very seriously.I have never seen a whole hearted smile on her face,while she works with anybody in the group. So before they tell me to go from there,that I worked for only 15 days there,and I just vanished from there.They called me to my mobile phone ,contacted me,but my phone was in switched off mode,so they did not get me.Then,I searched for other jobs and I explained my reason for leaving the job and told them thankyou for giving me a chance to work in your prestigious hospital.I wrote an explanation letter to the administration block office of the hospital.I also explained to the administration that as I was staying in strict boy’s hostel those times,I had only started adjusting and learning about the traffic nuisance of Bangalore.Then,I went to Raipur,on July 27th,of 2017,travelling through reservation in Wain Ganga Express to my Badamaama’s home,without prior information,where their family with my Nani were staying.I saw my Nani,also for a change feeling,I went there,but I did not get job there,with lots of attempts and because of the heat in Chhattisgarh,allergy giving killing mosquitoes  and unclean conditions,I thought Bangalore is more better.I assured myself that I am never going to disturb any of my family members again.My badamaama was asking me do you want to do nursing job in hospital or any other job,I said because these female nurses are hesitating to work with me to do night duty with me,I am prefering to do any other artistic job.So,he said to me that he is fed up of myself and he became irritated and let me go from Raipur.I came back to Bangalore,after reserving ticket,in the same Wain Ganga Express,back to the Bangalore’s old railway station,which is developed with metro rail station,Yesvantpur.On the way,to Bangalore city,via train,when it was afternoon,I thought about somebody,while sitting in the berth and waking from a nap,and my eyes filled with a lot of tears,dribbling down,may be thinking about childhood train unknown girl,may be Nimmi,or may be thinking about some other person,or may be thinking about my job or my dreams.Every passenger were watching this,from a corner,and suddenly the clouds became dense and dark,and the atmosphere began to cool down and while train was moving fast through Maharashtra,and rain soon started to pour down.I started watching english movies[like Maleficent,Jack and Jill,Pan], in my laptop,together with other passengers who were watching my movie in my laptop, after,watching the sceneric beauty of rain,in that train.A man sitting nearby window seat was watching my face,watching the rain coming down.Now,I am here ,changing my pg accommodation according to change of my job and in terms of searching for job.Nowadays,at night,I have to stay the whole night outside sometimes,if bus service is stopped at midnight,so I stay at Krantiveera Sangoli Rayanna Bengaluru railway station.There will be police force protection also,so I talk to the passengers about them and myself,and chit chat,with passengers who are coming from far away in Bangalore,because their train will be arriving in the early morning for them to travel to  Orissa,Bihar,Maharashtra,Punjab,West Bengal,Rajasthan,Uttar Pradesh,Chhattisgarh, or Madhya Pradesh.Many of them may be carpenters,painters,masons,granite fixers,shop owners,students,job seekers,furniture builders etc:[boys of young age or of my age].I ask them,about their past,family,their salary,train details,homeland details,past flood history,their childhood history.They speak to me very eagerly and interestingly because I also like to listen to their whereabouts.I got selected for sure job offers after passing interview,with salary of Rs.20,000,in companies like Manipal and Apollo[of Malleshwaram Central],but I did not go there because of travel and stay issues.From now ,I started to smoke their cigaretes with my friends who walk,sit,sleep and share with me,at night,in Bangalore city,in public,during present cold nights,for happiness and friendship reason.So,they ask me,”now you started to smoke cigarette”,In hindi,they ask like this,”Ab tum cigarette bhi peene lage ho.”Tho mei bola.”Bohat thandi,cold he naa.”Uski taraf se.


I know one truth which is known by everyone:that is,

Deepika is telling a lie.She did not have any depression or language problem.May be she having it.She just wanted to imitate me,for her fame.Ask her psychologists and her mother,who treated her,whether it is framed out story of hers and all relation related to Ranbeer Kapoor.He and she just imitated me and just wanted to prove that she is imitating me,for the knowledge of mine.And little but no effect on me,with her on screen appearance.My life has been wasted more because of her want more attitude like,and she will pay for it,even if it helped me in finding my real identity and past.During her real death,everyone will know the truth.And if she tells that she do not know Harris,when I ask her about me,then it is her fault.Yes,my story is true up to date,real and genuine.Yes,my work.I have never tried to write a story like this before in my life,and I am publishing a story all over the world for the first time in my life. When I usually put public comments under broadcasting channels,like Mastani’s dress is Indian,because Persians migrated from Middle east to India,then only Mastani was born here in India,so her dress is also Indian type,so Deepika or Deepika’s supporters[helpers],make a many number of accounts[with 0 subscribers in it] in public mail broadcasting and put comments like no you are wrong Harris Jose,my bad,sometimes when I say could you sing beautifully like Mastani did like in ancient times other than your don ki voice,she replies me,after 2 days from her gorgeous lady account u go don ki,so I reply u go don ki son in law.And I ask her I know after several times of attempt ,you had failed in singing.So,the whole comment will deleted from the public broadcasting channel.Sometimes I publish saying atlast u urself proved u r wrong Deepika,tu paadh paadh maar maarkar mar jayegi.So,an another account of some unknown person,will be sending public comments like,”school boys are not allowed to comment under this video.”with highlighted reply,at no one’s reply,but to mine reply.My broadcasting channel has my profile photo with my Goan hand saluting type photo within it.Sometimes some people put public comment,Aishwarya plus Deepika =Bollywood actree,So,I ask “so me”,so some person reply yes.Sometimes when I message to Karan Johar,Justin Beiber,Jackie Chan,K S Chithra,Amitabh Bacchan,Aishwarya Rai,Akhil,Gopi Sunder,Manju Warrier,Hansika Motwani,Deepika,Olympia publishers,India times,it will shown in my messenger,that message is received at this time and some people respond like,”How could we help?”.Because I had already published the link to my public story,to all celebrity messengers,and commented in under all connected you tube channels,4 months ago from now.I had put a youtube comment ,under a delhi nurse speaking video,publically,one or two days before the increase of salary for Kerala nurses,to Rs,20,000,for supporting the reasons for what they ask for,after I came to Bangalore,in the year 2017. No one knows the original light that Deepika imitates has not yet touched on screens,whose story she copied into her movies,in 2015[the year],or before when I did not recognize her.Everyone keeps it as a secret.



Even if I have contacted Deepika and Karan Johar,through google mail chat and through messenger chat with favourable public response and even if I requested Deepika,other celebrities,actors,online writers,music directors,news editors,ordinary people and directors,through various social medias and online broadcasting channels,that even if we both cannot be in a relation because we both are same in many kinds like stress,acting and life wise and also because Deepika is 2 year and 8 months elder than me and because I could consider her as my elder sister,I have another request of mine to these motion picture directors,as I have mentioned earlier to them,that if they are real life movie makers,which could change someone’s life,who is considered special among everyone,I have a request to make my own life story into a motion picture,not now,but after sometime,after studying my life story thoroughly and closely,with the real characters who came across my life,with the real names,which could be played by good actors.The movie[motion picture],should look genuine,otherwise,if the movie could not be genuine[without the actual feeling and what all things came across my life],then no use of making such like movies.The movie title could be,”Rom Harris Rom.”.The movie could be in any language,spoken by the world.You could use any form of resources of mine for this,but all should be real and genuine.You could put any director name,but a director,which is connected with me. I do not need any money for this,but I want to reveal my life into a genuine motion picture for inspiration.The movie title should[should not], include the verses,which follows like this,”This movie is an imaginary story and characters are purely fictious,and any similarity with the real life persons or situations is purely co incidental,and the film makers do not want to hurt any person’s cultural or personal feelings.”Like every movie title follows before starting of picturization.However,even if the world loved my motto and moreover the real story would remain online with my authorization.

Before or at the time,when, ockhi[ochi] storm was about to strike,Karnataka sea border,after hitting Thiruvanathapuram of Kerala,I started to sing songs,particularly devotional songs,when my brother Dennis informed me about its commence,when I suddenly woke up from sleep,early morning,20 songs at once I sang and recorded in my public smule account.I was living at Shanthinagar at that time,with speed wifi connection and room with good television settings and all.Next day I heard the google ochi updates ,that ochi storm had reached Gujarat sea border without touching so much of the western coast of India.I have never heard about cyclones coming to Kerala and Karnataka before in my life.I also put a public comment that God will never inform,whenever he plans to demolish the earth fully and that I am feeling comedy,and that all ‘end of the world’ news is a fake news,and end will never happen before December 2017. Deepika’s group even told, Sanjay leela Bhansali movies should be banned and such type of movies are complete mockery to our history,and these movie should be boycotted under my you tube comment,to Mastani song,making it highlighted.They commented highlighting it,at the time,after, when ochi storm struck the western coasts of Kerala,Karanataka and Goa. I even communicated with a young advocate,about boycotting of this movie,and he also supported me,if it is necessary,if this song and movie hurt someone’s feelings,in real present life,it is possible.But,I said to him again,that but I like this song ver much,like it helped someone[me],to know my identity and personal,spiritual and material growth.

One day after getting my interview at Koramangala,when I was going to Shanthinagar,a short person was asking me  why am I looking at him,so I asked him,I am not the only person looking at you,all are looking at all of them.Why are you asking me only?Ask everyone why everyone is looking at you!Did I ask somebody whether why he is looking at me!?Then.Then he was again asking me,bending his head,why are you looking at me,so I said and asked him,”I am speaking to you,look at me.what happened,are you crazy,repeating the same question again and again!?”And I said you are speaking like a racist.I laughed and said to him.The whole bus became silent.So,he kept quiet,and said to me that there is nothing to explain so much.So,other people were listening to this,and asked that person,to keep quiet,so he was speaking to others in kannada language that he himself is bad and he is going to keep quiet.And I told that short hindi type person,you will get to know,who I am,when you get down from the bus.I got down,after receiving 5 rupees change from the bus conductor, at the Wilson Garden police sation stop near to 10th cross,with all my agony and stress and I said this incident to my younger brother and pg accommodation aunty and I said to her I need no paying back of advance,because ,I may be going after 2 days after,from the date I came to this PG accommodation at this place.My brother,Dennis told me “athrakyonnum parayenda aavashyilaa chetaa..”.I asked Dennis “nee chirikyaale.”he told me “njn chirikyalaa..”.that I[he was] am not smiling.Go away,I have job here.I wasted my energy talking to him.My brother always asks me “chettan enthna elaryum nanaakaan nadakkane?”I told,”enne negative aayi kaanunavare pinne njn enth venam.”My badamaama is also like this,if someone tries to affect his personality with disconnecting language of theirs,he will give nice dose to them,in presence of mine.My Thrissur colleagues also told me,if someone tries to fool you by their language,answer them with nice dose.And another day,when I was buying a coffee,from railway shop at Bangalore,the shop guy,do not want to give 5 rupees back to me,I asked him,this is my money,why cannot you give it me back.So,he was telling that he do not have change,Iam working here.So,another old man came and argued with him,is it like this behaving with customers!?But he was not ready to give and I shouted at him that I will call the police.Then also he was not ready to give me back the change.A police man who is Assami who knows me well,were startled and looking at this drama,started by the juice centre launda guy.I asked this shop guy,tell me,tell me,who I am,if you know.Then he became silent.After 15 minutes of talk,I left from there,when he kept on telling me,that he himself knows,that who am I!?Wherever I travel,I love to help people who are in need,without expecting in return,if I have the thing that they need,I will help,like need is for money,love or warmth,for genuine reason.I usually hate to get into autos,because these auto walas charge more price than required.I had seen my nana fighting with these auto walas during my childhood days,after they ask for a huge fare higher than the meter price.So,in Bangalore I got into one such auto 2 weeks before,after I came here on May 2017.It was urgent because I had no other way,other than hiring an auto.The auto wala was very co operative.I had to take the money sent from my brother from Western Union.So,the only place I know is the travel agency at Padhmanbhanagar which is near Uttarahalli.When I became tired of searching for western union nearby majestic bus stand ,as my brother told that he had put in Western Union,and not in Money Plant,so I got an auto from Malleshwaram road,and started my journey in it.The auto wala was a kannad tamilian.He is generally in a sociable and jolly mood.He asked whether I want meter charge to be put on.So,I said yah it is okay if it is not on also.Then he put it on and said to me that if there is meter charge,20 rupees extra will be charged.I said okay.It is okay for me.Because I wanted to receive the money as soon and reach for that at Padhmanabhanagar.It is 7 kms from the starting point as the auto wala said when I asked.I asked his name .His name is Stanley.He has his family.He is Christian,but he showed me the photo of Vivekananda,pasted in his auto mirror.He asked me about my whereabouts.I said about me as usual starting from telling my name.He was very happy by listening to my frank conversation.He asked whether you want to watch a movie.I said,it is okay for me.I showed him the way to go,he already knows the way.When he asked me about my relatives,I said one of my cousin sister,Jibi is here,but I have never disturbed them.Why to?She is living with her husband and children.So,he said that is nice policy.So,I was happy to talk with him.Just an open communication.You know.Stanley,he looks slightly like my Velliappa Mathew,but little black in color.He said about Vivekananda’s positive motivating words is very useful for everyday person’s life.So,I said yah sure.I said I also like that person.I asked him where has Vivekananda born.So he responded yah in Bengal.Yah.He knows my name and he does not forget my name he said Harris note my number,whenever you want my help,for any travel to any place just call me.So,I asked his number.He told and I feeded it in my mobile.After reaching Padhmanbhanagar,you know,I was travelling in auto like this first time in Bangalore.Generally I travel in government bus only.After receiving money from the lady whom I know,because everytime she mark my details before I receive cash from their company.The meter charged 250 rupees.So,I gave him 300 rupees.okay.But he was waiting for me there,again,while I told from now I will travel in bus to majestic bus stand,because that is more okay for me.While I was waiting for the bus at Padhmanabhanagar bus stand toward majestic stand,he came again to me and he wanted to give me back the 50 rupees.So,I said no it is okay for me.I f you want give me the money back,50 rupees note,I again said,no,It is okay for me.take it.So,he went with his auto,after I got into the bus.In future also I am not so willing to go in an auto always.Because it was an urgent necessity for me,that day,I hired an auto that day for travelling to the place where I will receive money[7500 INRs].I told this to my brother also that day,because I had no cash in my hand that minute,to pay rent and for buying other things.My younger brother perceive me for being a traveller and communicator with the world,very transparently and confidently, while travelling.

Day: January 25th

Do not curse nurses or doctors who try to treat you.If you do so,you will suffer again out of this life.After 5 or 6 months,I am going to enter my starting of middle age,that is 30 year old human being.

Haru.My true caller identification name as listed by my amma[mother],in the number 7510228207,is Haru.It is pronounced Haeru.Many lives have a real story,that other ordinary people may not be aware of,or not lnowing.In a story,everything should be included.Not a thing to be missed out.That is why I wrote this very detailly.If anybody have any rejection for what my life was going through on Earth,you could frankly comment,and if you all do not want to read,also it is also your choice.Every people live,depending upon their likes,choices and priorities.

May be I will finish my story writing on August 2,2018.I am really tired of writing and typing,together with busy jobs.Yet I find my time to write and publish,after my job.As I do not have a wifi connection at my present home,for the next 2 years I have to go till KSR Bengaluru railway station to get free wifi speed zone,to update my story each day,while I remember the correct information from my memory.From my childhood,till now,when my younger brother shouts at me,telling me to leave him alone,when he gets irritated by my talking and questions,and my explanations,I ask him what is your problem Dennis,I am your chetan,why are you behaving with me like this,as I am nothing to you.I only have you to share my feelings.You are brother acting like friend.So,he tells I have no problem.So,I tell I also do not know what is your prolem and I tell I am going.Then he again comes and speaks to me,very friendly and fondly.And he say it is right but no need to explain to ordinary people like this everytime.They would be also having their own life,dreams and problems.So,I embrace and talk to him smilingly.I always like to kiss my brother on his cheeks,now also.I always like to kiss my loved ones on their forhead and cheeks,while I belong to them.My mummy and Agna aunty,usually says,Harris was like a brahman type[very clean],before Harris was 11 year old,particularly in Goa.But my mummy did not know,that was Harris’ anxiety related to abuse hiding problem.Speaking problem and language problem,are two different entities ,as everyone knows.Speaking problem does not lead a person to become frustrated,stressfull and emotionally broken down.It simply means that the person cannot speak,is mute.But language problem will surely lead the person to emotional breaking down from stress caused by his/her’s mates whoever misapprehends his/her’s language problem for acting.The person who have language problem may be doing every daily chores very boldly and diligently,under favourable circumstance of his/her very sincerely and diligently and timely inability to respond and express their language in such strict job circumstances,will make them over stressed.It is a as simple as that.There may be several other useless people who act like they have language problem,to make the real ones misunderstood among others.

I forgot to say one thing.I always think from my childhood,from Goa after singing the song,in Goan public,the song which is starting,”Come let us sing…”,that I am one of the  angel sent by God,who is a mediator,for understanding who all are righteous,innocent,weary,and who should be with God,and also to understand who all are ill minded,useless in talks,behaviour and in terms of judging others and to punish such type of ill minded people,for eternal.

I have a good councillor too,God sent .My friend,my belongingness,at Thrissur.I always go there in 8 months intervals,for my soul’s enlightening.My councillor says your  tears is just the sign of your loneliness,and the inability to express uselessly for other’s false misapprehension on you,like when others say,”why he is here!?”,without knowing your good intention and good work,when they say,then only the normal stress becomes your tears of agony and he responded to me that you know when to speak.So,move strong.If you are thinking good,there is nothing to be afraid of which comes as negative energy in front of you.God will take care of the ill mindedness of the negatives,which surrounds you. Rev.Fr.Mathew Elavumkal[kochu maathu achan],is a God’s gift for me,right from when I returned from London to Thrissur,in the year 2012,indirectly,eventhough,we both know each other.My daddy said to me,Harris and we all got failures only in life,now from all those failures,we should show them that we can.And he said Harris will find his victory at the last.Daddy knows that Harris as a great starting problem,which will go smoothly after 3 or 4 days,while going with the flow.

I never liked Yesudas songs,moreover I liked Shreya’s songs,and everyone started to say Harris’ singing is similar to Shreya’s.You all may not be knowing,that Aishwarya Rai’s and Priyanka Chopra’s fathers[Miss World’s from India’s ],fathers died of heart attack,in the year 2017,together,at the month of May or other month like February of 2017.Yet,[I never consider myself as socially inadequate,because,a socially inadequate person never reveal his/her’s real life to the whole world for positive inspiration.A socially incapable person never smiles,will not be having a good mind,as everyone remarks,or render his/her’s talents for people all over the world for free of cost.A socially incapable person will not co-operate with his co-workers,will not send his/her’s monthly salary to his family,relatives,friends or neighbours.],I consider myself as socially apt.I never felt that I am lucky.All is my expenditure of living energy of my life.I am not so perfect.If I do not know my past life and story,how I grown up and came till here,then if I forget all past of mine,then I am no one on Earth.Because of this reason only,I wrote my life story.



Recently,as I am working here,in Madiwala near Koramangala, now and after 4 days standing responsible sleepless night duty,night duty,when it started when my first salary of 20,000 INR,was deposited in my Bank Of Baroda account,after that with my painful sleepless eyes,I reached the bank at afternoon on February 5,2018,and I requested the bank employee,for withdrawing of my stipend,as they told my account is not yet active,after 10 days only you will get the atm card and passbook etc:.So,watching my patience,and as I told first time I am going to buy something to my family,relatives,and neighbours and co-workers,and as tomorrow I had got off day,I want to go immediately and there to Thrissur and come back soon.So,they gave me the slip to fill to withdraw the cash.See,first time in India,I am doing such bank procedures,alone.Within,20 minutes,I got the whole 20,000 INR,in my hand,and with that I booked a Jabbar bus from Bangalore Kalasipalayam stop,for 800 rupees.Before booking,I did a 14,000 rupees purchase of shirt piece materials,churidhar materials,shawls,cotton khadi sarees ansd silk sarees,shirts,to present it my family,relatives,co-workers and neighbours.Only for this time only.From next time,the stipend will be all saved in my bank account for next 24 months,if it is so,may be saving,more than 2 and a half lakh INR,in my savings account.I am going to do nothing with that.In the bus,with my sleepy eyes,as I was reaching Thrissur through Palakkad border,tears were rolling down like streams ,because of my lonely feelings,like thinking no one is there for me in Thrissur.Fellow malayali deedhi and chetan were recognizing me,seeing all this.And while I reached there in the bus at Shakthan bus stand,I hired an auto and reached in front of my home at Chiyyaram,after 9 months,I reached here in Thrissur.The auto wala only asked me for 40 rupees.The metre charge showed like that,That is okay.I forgot to say one thing.The first auto name,which I am seeing while travelling in this auto,is to my front,it is Gift Of God.

When I reached my home,my mummy has taken one day leave and she is there welcoming me,I smiled at her,calling her mummy,with my huge bag of 500 INR,with all the presents in it.My daddy was sleeping and resting on the bed in their bedroom,after night duty.I said to my mummy,”mummy enik vegam ponam,that I want to go today evening,getting the bus,tomorrow my duty is ther,and I said to her,vegam nokye,ethokke dress,saree,aarkokke kodkanammnn…..”I placed my bag in the empty room of mine downstairs and started to show the dresses to my mummy.We both selected as to which and all dress to be given to each of the family member,neigbours,and co-workers.And I took a bath with my Thrissur cool clear water.Oh,what a nostalgia and coming hang over was that.I cannot explain.The nostalgia were coming on the way.After dressing up myself in new dress,I came down,saw my daddy downstairs and said and asked my daddy,heelo daddy how are you,smiling.My mummy had mad ready idlis and chutney .I ate it speedily,while standing and talking to her.And I showed the new dress for my daddy,bought for them and relatives,and took the separated dresses in separate covers and started my journey in my bike,as my daddy did not give me his heavy bike for me.Before that,I told my mummy to make ready with beef fry curry and chicken curry with rice and fish fry[meen fry].As,in Bangalore,beef curry,which Thrissur malyalis come here and make is dirty and waste.I first went to Vendore,saw veliapapa,he was happy to see me with all dresses.I said agna aunty saree,khadi silkaa cotton,pinne,veliappak..shirt piece,2.90 metere ind,nimmik churidhar material……He was making some black tea for the mason who came to work outside their home.He very happily gave one glass for me to have it Harrisse.But I told I had to go today itself back for work,and that I will drink a sip,and I drank from it,and he replied me that daddy told him that harris is okay at his work in Bangalore,next I left ,waved bye and next I went to Rosily aunty’s home.She was there,she asked me,”nee vanna”,njn paranjau,I told enik ponam inn vaikeet thane ponam…naale duty ind…then I told her yyo..sweets vedikyaan marannu,and I told her I will ome back..then she asked me,’You will come back again,know?”.I waved her then I went to Velupadam.The hospital going on with its new building work.All staffs including Sijo,Jaisy,Jisha,Sophi sister,Soudha,were surprised,and asked me entha Haarise,ushaarayallo,st johnlaa…sr dr ruby theres avdyaa padiche,aa ariyaam…enik vegam ponam,chaaya offer cheythappo,kaapi kudikyaann neralyaa….nn paranju,.I told.Then I straight went to Amballur mango bakers,and bought 450 INR sweets and returned to Varakara.There appachan had already returned back after buying fish in his car.I bought sweets for Joel,Deepa chechie’s son,who went to school with Deepa chechie that time.Rosily aunty called appachan from vallapp[paramb].I asked her yyo,enthna appachane avdnn pani yedukanodthninn,kond vanne,njn chenn kannumayrnile?”..I would have gone seen him there.He came and told me to sit inside home.I said,no I want reach Bangalore fast.Tommorow I have duty.I left smiling to them,waving them goodbye.Then I went straight to Kodakara,through over bridge,national highway 47,speeding up in my bike,above 80 km speed.I did not know,the piston will go,without petrol in it.While reaching baby aunty’s home,the petrol had already finished,before reaching her home,2 houses before her home.I kept the bike ther itself,and walked to baby aunty’s home.Baby aunty opened the door,and said,aa neeyaa…we spoke about our past travels in childhood from Kodakara to Thrissur,visiting Thrissur pooram exhibition etc.that time joseph uncle’s amma,Veronica,asked me,”nee enthna da,oru dhivasthek vanne,2 dhivasm leave edkaayrnile.”so baby aunty said,”amma onn mindathirne..ithokke enthna avanod chodhikyane.”appoe amaama.”njn onnum chodhikyaanum paadille.” After that baby aunty made me a lime juice,in her kitchen work area.I drank it,and after drinking it,when I got an idea,if I get the  car key,I could have take the car and reach the petrol pump at Perambra and get 50 rupees petrol in it for the bike.So,I easily took the car,drove it and brought the petrol from perambra petrol pump,and parked their car in their car poach,but after filling petrol in it,after waving good bye to baby aunty,the bike was not moving a long distance after starting it,and it finally reached near one guy’s home and the guy turned to be a great help,and it was Jobin,my cousin’s friend,this guy was about to go at Jobin’s hostel,where Jobin is with his arriers,as their tutors are on strike in their axis engineering college because salary is not given to them by their management.So,this guy told,me that I am coming from mambrakaran house,so he told me that he know,them and his mummy also know baby aunty,so he told me the piston may have broken down,as 2 days before it happened to his bike also,while riding his bike,so he called Jobin,that his cousin named Harris had came here.So,in my imagination,I imagine Jobin telling,”yyo,aal ivde ethya,aalde mugam kaanaan polum enik ishtalaa.”he is smiling and saying,that he do not like to see my face.I smiled and this guy introduced me to his mother and said me to keep my bike at his front vehicle porch,and he gave me a lift till Jobin’s and baby aunty’s home,in his bullet.Bullet it seems,it exerts less speed on roads,as usual,though it is heavy.This guy went away after that.Baby aunty told me,Jobinpappu],do not have any dislike for you.”pappunn…nine ishtakedonnum ilaa daa….”.Aunty called immediately to Jobin ,telling him to come here to home,as his hostel is near to Nanthikara,and he said that he will come,but it seemed to me that he was not happy after watching me at his home,yet he gave me a lift till Kodakara bus stand to get the bus,in his bullet,as from the front of his house,the buses becomes late to come on that day.I told to baby aunty that I had already told daddy to give me the heavy bike,that if I ride it speedily above 80kms speed through highway,then also bike would not have got broken its piston like this.Even if my daddy smiles,it will be not good for mending this bike again for him.So,baby aunty and Jobin told me,why bikes will get wear and tear and it should be mended,and that Jobin will take care of it.So,I got very happy.Jobin gave me a ride in his bullet till Kodakara bus stand to get bus till Kuriachira.He told me,”njn chettane vilikyaam.”After he tells like this,he never calls me.He know me very well.He knows Harris chettan only needs Denni chettan as brother.After I reached home at Chiyyaram-Kuriachira,I started eating chicken curry and beef fry curry with chor[rice] and other fish fry etc:Ver fast my stomach became full,and I was too tired to eat everything.And I had unniyappam made by her that day.She,said to me,my mother said that Kurian uncle[medical receptionist],whom our family know well,and my friend’s Edison’s pappa,died of heart attack,last year ,towards November last,during the starting of December,while the ockhi storm was prevailing over western coasts of India[Kerala,Karanataka,Goa].Edison,who also studied in Sunkadakatte,for nurse studies,in Bangalore,far away from where I studied,till 2011,I have never met him,after coming to Bangalore,due to inavailability of mobile phones that times in our hostel.Bangalore was a boredom for me,during the year 2006 till 2010.Edison and Kurian uncle even came for our family get togethers,singing,as me and Edison are of same age group.Yah.Edison Kurian Pallipuram.Their family own a medical shop on the main road of Chiyyaram.My mummy told me that now their medical shop and home is closed.Edison’s amma fainted and collapsed after Kurian uncle’s sudden death.Edison’s amma,is very fond of me ,but Edison’s elder brother,Ranson always,mocks me during my teenage time of Chiyyaram,mocking my personality.I asked my mummy,why did not you tell this before to me,while I was in Bangalore.She said,to me,because she thought why to make Harris upset.I said I am leaving home,after taking rest for sometime and told daddy everything what happened today,at my co-worker’s place and aunty’s home and waved them good bye,and left for Bangalore catching an auto and again it was the same,till then if I did not see any signs like Gift Of God,I saw it again while leaving Chiyyaram,an auto coming turning to our side from Kannamkulangara road,named it on the front.I reached Al-Hind bus booking centre.I booked a 1050 INR,business class ac sleeper which starts from Mannuthy,a big luxurious bus,that I have never travelled in like in that sleeper business class vehicle and I was offered by the travel agent an uber car till mannuthy,for that price,and he gave me the driver’s number,to ask where the bus reached,and driver was responding and I was also responding our car is about to reach there,through my uber car driver,and bus driver were telling that they had only reached potta,so my uber car driver said to me,so there is time to reach,so it is okay,he asked about me,I waved him goodbye while getting down from the uber car.He and the travel agent gave me good luck sign.I started from Mannuthy,Thrissur on February 6th,2018 at 6:40 pm.When I entered the bus,there were 5 lcd television,with new movie,Malayalam,Sunday holiday in it,with good seatings,blankets,and drinking water.I got a malayalee mate to talk with,as I saw a psychology book place beside his seat,I just made a question for just starting a conversation,from back of his seat.I asked him,whether,from where the bus started .I told him,talk to me in English,as I do not know the Malayalam language properly.I asked him whether you study psychology,when I saw the book near to him.He told me,it is only side study.I asked him about whether language problem right from childhood,affect the person’s emotional stability,while misapprehended by others,so he said yes,he himself had hindi language problem,when he went to assam for work.He was very frank.I was also very frank.I asked him whether you have watched this movie,Sunday Holiday,before,as I said I am not intrested to watch new Malayalam movies.I said to him my real life story is famous all over the world,and it is going to be a movie soon.He told me yah,I have seen this Sunday Holiday movie on the return journey from Assam to Angamaly.I said to him as tomorrow there is duy for me,I am thinking about that now.He said to me that he is doing some medical,health related job in Air force.He said me he studied in Bangalore and when I asked he said to me that he is working in air force at Assam and he had to catch flight from Bangalore air port and while it was 20 minutes break,for dinner,the bus halted somewhere,and I told him that I do not eat food while travelling.I had already carried a mango juice bottle from Mannuthy,Thrissur.He told me to come out and he had a coffee.He is working in air force,in assam,from his 19th age.His friends are also there.He came to Kerala for one month vacation and he was returning back.After getting into bus,and when the bus started to move,it started to rain suddenly for the first time in Thrissur,from that starting of the year 2018.We both were surprised.He was thinking,was it because of Harris.He was repeatedly asking my name whether it is Harris or not,while offering me tea at the stall. I got down at Forum Mall stop,as I saw that stop familiar to me,before majestic stop had reached.He saw all my details,while I was searching something in my laptop sitting in the seat.I reached back to her on February 7th,2018, at 2:40 am,and I slept nicely and tightly,befor going to job that day at 12:30 pm.Then it started to rain next day in Bangalore for the first time in this year,like I had brought rain from Thrissur to Bangalore.My parets,relatives and mates informed me,that Deepika is going to be killed by the hindus of India,following her disputed Padmavathi release.”elaa hindukkalum avale kolaan nadakkind.”nnn.I told all of them that I do not know,and it will not happen.I told them,”adh verthe tv kaarum media kaarum paranjindaakinthalle.”

Recently,I checked my both eye power for 100 INR,it was seen as .25 power in left eye and .5 power in right eye,When I sit for long time taking time for writing and all,I get painful numbness on both my limbs that I get trouble in moving my both limbs and to walk.

Rest of the story after one month,after something happen……………………………………………………………………………………from every human being’s ignorance…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………









hello Harris Jose !!

Thanks for sharing your story dear your story is heartbroken you mention about your situations you faced, am very pleased..well dear Everyone has a right to make their own decisions because the world is developed now everyone has a right to make a choice for him, there are many positive and negative things in our areas it's depending on us that how we are responding, no one is higher than other everyone has its own personality their own way of life ..as you are complaining about these filthy-minded women I just mention my words that "if we know that that action is not good for us or these kinds of things are not good for us then we should keep our selves away from these thinkings and feelings no one can go wrong with us except we want to go in it!


"If you think you can you will, If you think you can not you will never"





Hello Harris Jose, thank you for sharing your experience.  

Connect with a heart.  Live a life of empowerment. Influence to accomplished.



"A good smile is a sign of a person's innocence and purity. It's good to be slightly ambitious, but I believe one shouldn't be too calculative. It's good to be on the edge, but I have never followed my mind. I have always followed my heart. And it has yielded the right results.I am not framed myself timely for a relationship,now."

"I smile,when I make mistakes,mistakes which I make suddenly.[without prior information,due to lack of knowing,without purpose etc:]"

"Whatever am I doing is a part of my my long unmet personal satisfaction need."

"I consider myself as a bird who lost his wings to fly freely;and lamenting over the loss."

"No one is ever keeping apart me from anyone else.I am my own person.You remember that."

"Why are you ignoring me,what happened to me,help me,where were you?"

"I never go into other's topics,which is not connected, so deeply with me,which I do not need in my life."

"When I get logical, and I don't trust my instincts - that's when I get in trouble."

"I am here,forever. They kill for it and we die for it.End of story.You do not think me.I do not care about you.I am not your front[friend] and I have not got your  back.Its  simple as that."

"I have got many rejections.So,I am always careful and intelligently choose friends."

“First date,disgusted,never to be trusted.”

"If somebody likes you,it will come to you."

"All are in their own world,but all are connected."

"I love all animals around me and also I like to satisfy their needs and by satisfying myself."

"I am an outrageous flirt,like everyone says."

"Whenever I become selfish and do bad things,without thinking properly,then,everyone,surrounding me can easily know my feelings of guilt or any feeling like love or devotion by seeing my facial expressions."

"I don't do well with hints speak your mind."

“Even if somebody knows you well, they would never reveal  your true self, because of ignorance and fear of solitude”

"Before you judge me,understand that I don't give a fuck what you think."

"I consider myself as a pawn."

"Some Indian youngsters who are ignorant in english language vocabulary,talks it in a way which is incoherable,which makes me think whether they also have language problem,like me."

"Everyone tortured me,without even speaking a word to me and without responding to me,and you say,that I am torturing everyone,when I even don't know them.?"

"Because,I could not express my words in language and because no one understood me,that is why I got angry,everytime,why did you all misunderstand it for guilt feeling."

"If you have a problem with me,tell me,not everyone else."

"Do you know that I started to talk to my self when my mind did not talk to me from childhood."

"A friend in need is a friend indeed."

"My colleagues and mates tells me,that real persons,will not get much likes."

"I have never been accepted by my school mates or anywhere,even if I talk to them in english language or try to talk to them,they move away everytime from me, so,I kept quiet.I thought,'Why to take risks,which becomes a problem to me,later?"While asking help from them,they ignored me.Everyone considered me like an outerspace creature."

"No one in my school,were too much friendly with me,though I was perfect in everything.If they get something useful from me,after they get it ,they will leave me alone and go on talking blah blah as a group and if I go again to meet them,they will move away from there as a group and avoided me and my brother had lots of friends for this particular reason because of me and if I had gambled with those useless friends,I would have never dream of a better life or never been trying to excel in studies and I would have never been reached here till now.You all do not know how much stress I took up in my mind to study and excel alone in my school.I never did combined studies.And everyone termed me as a girl.Can't it be an angel?And what's the need of comparing me with some negative personalities.Do I have bad friends or bad filthy habits like them?Whats the meaning of comparing,then?If I would have been with those negative characters,I would have been known as no one in this earth,while I die.If I do not have strength and support from my classmates,then how can I even call them to my home.How can I even know whether if I call them ,would they come or not or either for any help?Do you know what's the meaning of the english term personality.Its the term given to the soul's character of each and every person on this earth.And comparing with some other person.Is it needed?And everyone give a term depression to stress and so everyone could laugh at it and hurt the person again.Every single person can get depression at anytime in their life.In my case it's early because no one knows this stress was caused by the pressure from surrounding people.No one can and no one can explain my situation right now.Everybody thinks that depression comes to girls only.When somebody says to you about their feelings ,you cannot understand it.When you face this situation and when you try to explain your feelings to others then you all will understand.Now,my mind is full of stress that you all caused me from my childhood till now.Do you think that I could grow up again?""So you all should think who I am."

"I thought every classmate of mine told me never to touch them,because of my language problem."

"Jesus had an intimate friend from childhood,while he went to Jerusalem,alone,leaving his parents,Joseph and Mary,while both of them[his parents],were searching for him[Isa].There in Jerusalem,he started to preach to the priests of the temple,in his own language,through God’s special power.Then he was only 12 years old.From that time he started to keep himself pure,by preaching good news about God’s love to everyone he see,through his friendship,till he was 33 years old.After he was falsely accused, by the stupid people of world,for calling himself the king of the world,and tortured and crucified between two thieves,and killed,his close friendship lamented and weeped over it.He [his soul]rose from the dead,from the power of God.Jesus’ second coming was preached by himself,to his 12 disciples,after he was rosen.He revealed himself to his followers.His twelve disciples then roamed all over the world to preach about Jesus’[Isa],words.Through his friendship,which was pure,which will be ignored by every people in the world,God will prove His second coming,[even without the knowledge of Jesus[Isa]]as a punishment for those who do unforgiven sins to the innocent people of the world.God sent Jesus[Isa],to world of sins.God[Father],Jesus[Son], and Holy Spirit are three different entities,but one."

"My mother says to me that"Nink ninte friendsne vishvaasam ilaaann.that you do not trust your friends."Tell me should I trust these type of friends.Should I?And you all say a friend in need is a friend indeed.Then if I ask my friends for money if I am in need to buy some dresses or anything,why won't they help me or why do they ignore me.They got what they needed from me which is and was useful for them,then why would not  they help me.Is it their selfish nature or mine?When my brother asks money from my any relatives or his friends,they give him money 6000 or whatever to help me.Is it because they know that he has a brother called like me."

"Every teacher in my school called me a corner boy."

"My daddy says "Harrisnn bhayangara nishedhamanobhaavam aanenn.Harris has hesitancy to  do anything.Why would he say like that if he do not know I am only hesitant to make friends ,only.Do I hesitate to show my talents,do I fear to talk and walk and travel in public,Do I fear to talk with my bro,cousins,strangers or relatives or co-workers,or Do I fear or hesitate to convey my regards and feelings o my senior officials,Do I fear to do any job,Do I fear to be transparent in public.I had a solid reason for why I did not try to choose more friends right from my childhood."

"Do not love people who are far away from you."


"My daddy has always said to me that never be friends with short tempered and hot tempered[pettan deshyam varunna] boys or people,because it harm ourselves only,then also he said to me do not be so much attached to egoistic people,because they will hurt you one day,and he also said me that never to ask more money or materials from your close friends,because they will get more irritated if you always depend on them.One should enjoy their world success by their own earning from their own hard work."

"I love the acting skills of Shah Rukh Khan ,Amitabh Bacchan, Juhi Chawla, Shobhana and Sreedevi."

"Deepika's birthdate is 5-1-86 and mine birthdate is 2-8-88.Shah Rukh Khan's birthdate is 2-11-whatever,Kajol's birthdate is on 5-8-whatever."

"I do not fuck you."

"A friend in need is a friend indeed."

"If I agreed with you,we would both be wrong."

"Many people did'nt want me to be seen as a working nurse."

"Sometimes,I dream with my eyes open."

“Frustration is my birth right,I will never tolerate someone who plays with my Frustration.”

“If I become intimate with a room mate of mine,the mate gets feelings,of isolation,being alone with me,or boring with me and insecure feelings and the mate will go quickly from my room,so I never try to become so deep and intimate friendly with some room mate of mine.”

“If someone wants to enjoy my beauty and brightness ,let them,I do not stop them to enjoy amd watching my beauties.”

"If I plan or think something deep,I will think because I do not know,what happens after that and I get anxious,so it remains as my imagination,and I avoid taking that risk."

"I like girls but I have not gone for any girls yet.None of the girls ever proposed me or liked me."

"I am so sure,that I am Mastani's soul,otherwise I would not have been like this,special on Earth.I think Mastani wants to excel in this life for the second time.She wants to find,that,who raped and killed her,burning her alive and to punish the person,who made far away from her only lover."'You believe or not believe or make joke of me,but the world will prove it."

"My daddy always says to my friends that,"Harris cannot survive alone ,so be with him."

"Dolphins are the only animals,who sing karaoke besides humans."

"Everybody misunderstood and made me misunderstood,right from my childhood,so that everyone used me for their personal,material,economic,mental and spiritual satisfaction.I was greatly used by everyone else."

"I like to be happy always,but to remain happy was not always possible."

"I wanted to die right from my 2nd standard of my school,but it was not posssible."

"When I hear to the song'Agar tum saath ho',I on the on think my life from my childhood till now,and I was uncontrollable and I think my life is on the edge,hitting my fist on my forhead till I cry terribly and break without sound,after I turn off the lights of my room and still dark and cold here."

"Comparison is the thief of joy"

"I will never accept my family,If they do not value or accept me.These words of mine is unchangeable."

"Never compare your past experience with the current situation.every story has different characters with different roles."

"If you are not failing, you are not trying hard enough"

"Fear dims, when you learn things."

"I do not become close friends with some person who have less life experiences and if the person have another nearby loving friend to him,whom is his beloved."

"Love is not selfish"

"Being weird is a side effect of being awesome."

"When someone reflects a bad image and thinks bad about me,I suddenly forget that who am I and for what I am."

"I think that my parents are planning to buy me an expensive coffin while I die ,with all the money they save,without giving to me."

"My mummy says to me that,"Don't be afraid or depresed if your friend go far away from you.Let them go."

"Whenever I tried to love someone,it came to be my wrong decisions,and it hurt me a lot,so I avoid taking risks."

"Love cannot be forced."

"Thoughts creates reality."

"My mother earns more than Rs,45,000 a month and my daddy earns Rs.50,000 a month and my younger brother earns more than one and a half lac rupees per month in West Midlands,England and I am sitting here like a fool digonza.If I go for acting and if the producer ask me for some Rs.4000 for advance booking,from where could I give them and also if m parents want me to be seen in higher level,why cannot they help me for artistic uplifting,if they are my family.I never ask them because like that was my childhood and they think that they are earning Rs.12,000 per month and they think that they are gambling with other friends and spending money.Don't they save money?I have never seen my parents gambling with friends.They were always decent and straight forward.One of my youngest maama,when he was 28 years old,he was an ordinary guy working in gulf and after that he became jobless but he had many friends and many bad habits like chewing tobacco,hans ,beedi etc,and he was also not an artist or neither did he have any attitude or respect towards himself or towards others and he never smiled even and he was not very outgoing person and he never convey positive or humorous ideas to others and no one was there to help him.That time I was a child and his parents[my nana and nani-my grandparents] were jobless.Nana had already retired from his job and he did'nt get a pension even and nani did'nt have any job.Am I like him and what's comparing then,when it's coming to close blood relations.Am I and my youngest maama same in all pattern.

"Depression and sadness,both are two different entities.If we are sad ,there will be a reason behind it,but if someone is depressed and crying ,its because of over exhaustiveness."

"I forget things very fastly."

"If someone has qualities and talents,appreciate them,instead of being jealous of them."

"In public nobody knows me,and also,I feel secure and no fear comes to me,so I have taken many risks in public with favorable responses.Everyone wants and wanted me in public,so you can think what things happened with me in public."

"Do not be afraid of me.I will not eat you."

"I think I am one of the angels who have been born on Earth.""Angel sent to earth by God to see and feel the human's sufferings and their responses to our problems and that to make me know no one cares about ours or other's problems and to so that I could help other's in need and also for punishment if needed."

"When I want to say something,I will say it clearly and directly."

"I am very witty too."

"What happened is happened,and meant to be happened,now try to live in the present."

"If I start to smile and laugh,I cannot stop it for a long time,while I think about past teenage funny times or talks with classmates,and I particularly laugh controlling and taking huge sighs,while I am sleeping at night inside the blanket and I imagine it a lot of times repeatedly and my laughing sounds will not stop and it might frighten the sleeping room mate ,also."

"I do not welcome sadists in my life"

"I hate those nursing,medical and social worker students.They think in their way,like to earn money,by finding and diagnosing disease condition of a person.They never even try to know about the circumstances and cause of being like that or these students even do not believe,that  human beings are God's precious gifts to each one of us."

"I was markedly backward in maths,economics,banking,accounting,studying business laws,statistics,solving equations and fractions.I got feeling of loose motions and I got sudden urge to go to toilet when I study all these subjects."

"My mind stopped talking to me,I became directionless,did not know where to go,so I started to talk to myself and taking deep breaths to relieve my anxiety,to re-assure myself."

"I do not think women are the only depressed ones.Both young men and young women are equally depressed."

"Days will never come back"

"My mother has always said to others,"Harris is normally a very happy and strong person but his constant crying without reason blocked his activities."

"No one of my friends,right from my school days,no one stood with me,to listen to me,for what I am saying to them.Now they are in most higher positions.This is what all says,even if we do everything perfectly good,no one will be with us at last."

"I have finished my studies and worked in many places very sincerely and I also got many good work experience certificates from many places and also sent more than 2 lakh rupees to my parent's home out of it.And my daddy at last said to me never again send your money to them,and never send money to your home,and use your money for yourself .So,I don't have to be ashamed and guilty of ,ok.Now,I don't wish to work.Its because of my problems and it's my wish.Nobody is going to be blame me or are to blame me.Why everyone thinking about me?Had they,who bother me ,had reached my level?Or why cannot they mind their own business.Why should they think about me,Am I someone or something special?"

"My friends are very lazy and that irritates me"

"I always looked in for a positive future."

"My smile is dangerous, because the happier I look,the more pain I am in"

"Happiness is a choice,not a result.Nothing will make you happy until you chose to be happy.No person will make you happy,unless you decide to be happy."

"My smile is my happiness."

"When I get feeling of fullfillment and happiness also,I cry a lot like dying."

"Fairies are often thought of as female, but can also be male."

"The most dangerous lover is one who greets pain with a smile."

"I consider myself as an angel,who has been sent by God,for the one last time,for enjoying and observing the beauty of life on earth and the different life situations and thanksgiving."

"The most dangerous place you could be lost in is your head."

"Maturity comes with experience,not with age."

"I think Deepika is wrong in some things,what she had said.The main wrong is that she said only women are the deppresed ones in India.Yes,she proved she is wrong."

"My life till now ,I say it was very precious,because my parents and whomever I met in my journey of life till now did only the best to me."

"I am an actor,but if I do bad roles in life,it will affect my value and image."

"Every thing,what my parents did to me,whether its for medical,emotional or spiritual treatment,they did everything to me,after my order.After my consent,they ask permission from me,then only they started anything with me."

"I saw a movie recently casting Sreenivasan potraying an ordinary artistic person who could not excel in his life and bought an expensive coffin for him to make himself famous in news channels before he was going to die,but all in vain.I do not know is this Sreenivasan who acts in these films,don't he have friends in real who is with him and gives him money when he needs it.Is Sreenivasan also like me,that he got many movies for himself which was superhit all times."

"Do I make artificial money from the sky,so that I should not have friends or money when I needs it.Am I not a human being."

"This Deepika who fights for her fame and greediness for money,did she herself go and tell to Shah Rukh Khan to cast her in films or with somebody's help?Her father who is famous all over India ,helped her,requested Shah Rukh Khan to cast her in his movies.Otherwise.Thatswhy she is there.Do you think I have famous people in my family who could request the great Shah Rukh Khan to cast in his movies.Then why do you think that I am ever going to be famous.Only my names are there in all movies which had been released recently in Hindi and Malayalam.Am I there in it?"

"Do you think helping others with full heart is an easy thing ,when we do not get any help from others,when needed."

"People with less maturity,thinks everything from their level."

"When people treat you like they don't care,believe them."

"I was struggling in my life.You cannot imagine what was it."

"I deeply feel in my heart that,my family and my homeland see me as a burden,so,I no longer want to go there and disturb them.I am forever alone.I will lead alone.These words of mine is unchangeable."

"Those who are talented in singing,dancing and acting can make and modify their voice into any different languages."

"My mother says to me,never hurt yourself for other's mistakes towards you.But I should do this,for I am meant to be alone."

"Even if I talk  to you,it does not  mean that I like you."

"My daddy has always put me down and criticized, compared me with everyone and had tried to see me inferior from others; because of that,I never talk to him in a nice way always.He always thinks that;what he talks to others and think is correct.He has never tried to tell me that "to be yourself".He has never understood the difference in different persons.""So,it's better for me to leave home.Even if he smiles and talks to me and others in a well and good mannered way,I could see his inner fear.Even if he gives me materialistic satisfaction,I was never satisfied because my dreams as an artist is not yet fullfilled as I wished onscreens to a higher level,even if he is wealthy than others.I think he thinks in his mind that he is still poor and weary as before."

"No one could force anyone to love them."

"I think that my expiry date is finished."

"If we do something,do it with full will and purpose."

"Love and work with your heart."

"I will never compromise with anything with for my physical,mental and spiritual health."

"Its my body,I will do whatever I like to do."

"No one is too busy in this world, it's all about priorities"

"Your eyes shows the strength of your soul."

"I hate people who act nice to your face,and then talk bad about you behind your back."

"I had always guessed,that girls are jealous of me.Yes,but it came true.Its trrue."

"Silence is as good of an answer as words.If you say how you feel and get no response,the lack of response is your answer.Move on."

"Don't expect people to understand your grind when God did'nt give them your vision."

"If someone do not like you,accept it."

My mother said to me once,"A lighted candle does not lose its light,while lighting another candle."

"My parents says to me,'I respect people over abundantly; so there is no point or issue of someone telling me, to respect your elders."

"Sadism can also include the use of emotional cruelty, purposefully manipulating others through the use of fear, and a preoccupation with violence."

"Someone who makes you insecure is sadistic."

"I guess,towards my birth,everyone became over-sadistic to avoid me."

"On my birth time,2nd August,1988, Smt.Indira Gandy's assasinators[2 punjabis] were punished and killed."

"If someone’s looking at us and speaking about a topic to some other person,then make it sure; this someone is speaking about us."

"ee thrissur friends nodu enthenglum sahaayam chodchaa,avar vere valavarodum,parayana anubhavaa enik ulath....njan sahaayam chodhicha friend vere friendod parayum,"avan enod angane chodhichu da"ith kelkumbazha enik ishtelaathe..itha njan parayane selfish nature nn ipo manasilaayaa."

"There are many people who do not have any job or do not have any qualities in them,and just they sleep the whole annual year,in their bed,wherever,after getting drunk.Am I like that?Then why do you all compare me with someone like that."

"Its not generally needed for every person to become a priest;in God’s eyes.Every person born to this world,is special in their own ways.Every people in this world have different aims,visions and destinations.All are not the same.If the priests have any confusions about this,its good if you could clarify this topic from your spiritual books.Its not about being a priest,being married or unmarried; or having a job or not having a job.Its about how good a person you are and how you live in this world and God is checking how much fruitful you are to other fellow beings on earth.However;all priests are not all innocent and pure.Nowadays,priests are living for earning money and they are greedy,too.My life has teached me this topic with many examples."

"If you have done mistakes to others; related to greed,fame,jealousy,envy; then surely you will get punished.If you have used a person’s generosity towards others, for your own benefits; then count your days to get suffered."

"I hate that music director name M.Jayachandran.He thinks that he is the only correct person in this world and he earns for fame only and make other's inferior to his status."

"Everyone can see that I am fed up and also they are fed up,because they know that love cannot be attained forcefully and if acceptance is not getting to the person,then love in there is a failure and a lie.See,people know me hat I could change the world,and they could study from me.They think they could hurt me whenever they want out of jealousy reasons,and they think that ,I will not respond.And if I respond,see wait and see,what will happen."

"Beware of malayalees.From my life experiences;I am saying these words.They are 94 % highly literated people in India and they are too nice that they will surely use your generosity towards others; for their own growth out of their money greed.They are proud  people[both men and women],also cowards and selfish in their nature.They want to find faults in others and not in themselves and try to degrade other's value.The main reason is they are poor in our national language,"Hindi." And if we speak in Hindi to them,they will mock us and tell somehing to us which will be not favorable to the situation. And we cannot tell anything back to them.Like that is their gene culture.They try to make every special people around them down with their words and actions.If they are smiling at your face or staring at your face for more than 1 hour,without speaking to you,make sure that they are going to cheat you.Their way of thinking is wrong.They are ferocious and do not think of other people’s feelings.They are ill minded.They behave like sociopaths,when they see someone special.If you do not believe me,just talk to them and experience and see.Though some people are helpful and co-operative."

"Many celebrities compare me with Dileep,is it neccesary,when there is no similarity between two of us."

"I am a nuisance,burden for everyone ,that's why everyone show me their faces.I am going to die.Then another person like me comes.God has planned everything before.Then everyone will be happy.The whole world will be happy.Even Deepika.If I go then everything is finished.Is'nt?

"I am kidding.I am kidding."

"You all think that I am kidding and keep on laughing and think like that.I am going."

“Did Deepika suffered any of the sufferings that I have suffered,then why is she copying my life and making like her life and publishing false news ,for fame and money ?”

"When all of you mocked and disgraced me,that time,you should have thought,like this,everything would be going to happen."

"All were hurting me ,unneccesarily calling me mental and crazy.What did I do?Did I kill anybody and went to jail?Did I do burglary?Did I gamble with bad friends?Did I rape any girl or boy,forcefully and found guilty?Did I?Then why did you all behave with me like this?Everything what I told was the truth and became the truth, then why?

"Did anyone experienced my way of life."

"You all send encouragement,support me from Pakistan and Spain or from wherever like Serbia ,North Amercia and Syria,but my family,Kerala mates,relatives,any Madhya Pradesh mates,do they support me,instead of looking me low!?"

"You could have prevented me from publishing my life story."

"I think,in my view,new generation boys,boys aged below 21 years,cannot understand my life story,only because those times did not have this much freedom of contact and love sharing like in today's world of teenagers in India.Today they have every sort of equipments and technology like Whats app,messenger,imo video chat,secrect skype chat,group video chat,uploading photos with friends,sharing their good times,google chat,facebook and many more,to be in contact for sharing their love and friendship in any language whether it is English,Hindi or Malayalam."

"Why do they think,that they are the only right persons living in this world,and testing me,even if they know about me everything,and making me more stressed by testing,so I will also do like wise,to them,I will respond,I will not remain silent as before,and lose my value,as I had been loosed my value,by other's behaviour towards me.I am not blind.I have eyes and I can see.Why ,should I close my eyes and sit somewhere.If someone judge me unneccesarily without knowing me,I will also judge them.Why should they use or misuse my generosity,loving attitude to themselves,for their personal and emotional satisfaction.Everyone are human beings her.If they tell me that Harris is not a human being.I will also strongly tell in return,they themselves are not human beings,that is why they themselves are behaving with me like this like racists do.Till they tell me to be calm,and there is no neccesity to describe all these things.I will make them shut up their mouth,if they turn against me unneccesarily.Mind my words.If I show my power and talents,it is the end of myself together with others.Why should they test me unneccesarily,if they already know that,Harris himself is at his brim of dying together with others."

"You cannot understand me ,know.Through me God will make you understand."

"Harris=Grace,Guardian,Home Ruler,Army Commander. Sirrah=denoting a man or boy who is seen lower to a Sir. Siraa=End of something praise worthy."

"The most saddest thing for a human being in this world,is to become alone always,by ignored by everyone,whom he himself loved."

"I will never stand a chance to be with any of malayali guys.Even if we talk to them about ourselves,smilingly,and ask about them,they will take it as negatively,like they are the most pure of being in this world,particularly NRI brought up malayali guys[who themselves have malayalam language problem] and with their all immaturity and negative attitude towards others,they avoid us.Is it because my talking became over.Bangalore guys and Hindi guys are okay here in Bangalore.Me too from Thrissur,Kerala,and they are behaving with me like this,these malayalee boys.I do not know,do they see me a very special person in me ,that is why they are avoiding me.I mostly fear when I am inside of some company,under rules.When I go outside,here,these banglorean and hindi guys who are of about my age are very friendly,when I smile to them and talk and they also in return,the whole day and we leave to our homes,because they are also alone and I am also,and they exchange their phone numbers with me and just chat.So,for me outside travel and sight seeing is very enjoyable and fun for me.I never get afraid when I am outside.I am free to do anything.I never fear anyone when I am outside.I do not know if it is my pecularity or if it is the speciality of the person whom I meet with outside on that day.It makes my day.So,I am an outside person."

"Actually,these malayali guys are not gays,they are acting as gays for money and status.They are not like hindi and kannada guys who are simply lovable.Malyali guys are imitating some celebrity for their own status.In my view,it is like that,malayali guys are like that,acting for their own status,because it all happened to me like this.Then,I think,in my view,because of these Kerala people’s laziness for brotherly love and shyness,this gay rights were issued in all over India,because this happened to me from malyali guys[my own native guys],because I am famous all over India because of this,all harm got me from all malayali related guys.All are ordinary working people know,some may not be knowing me.But they know,watching, from my real self and body language.But there are many other malayali people who are generous and co-operative.[those are people who do not know who really I am.]"

"Kerala food is so tasty,and addictive too.If a malayali boy who is brought up in far place like Central region or portugese regions,and if this boy starts to eat this kerala food,this boy will become addictive to this Kerala food,and he will not get freedom from this Kerala places and Kerala food.If this boy should get freedom,he should travel and eat and experience other cultures of India.From my life experience,I am saying.Yes,Harris’ Life."

"When somebody or everyone see me like weird and special,and spread unwanted news about me to others,in a public way,and in those times,if I had remained silent,about their negative comments on me,and I had suffered a lot from them,then no one knew me,who I am,and everyone saw me like an any ordinary human.So,from now,I will not remain silent as to degrade my own personal value.I will respond strongly,till they get understood.No one is forgiving me,so I will also not forgive them."

"From now,if someone,lock my door from outside,I will find the person the next day,and lock his door from outside,whoever it may be,then I will see what he does to himself."

"If I am alone,it does not mean that I am alone,somebody is always with me everytime,so I do not get afraid of being alone.Yet I lament of being alone,because,lamenting is not from a temporary cause.I know to what extent ,the feeilng of loneliness reach to.I have mainly lived alone,ignored by others.Eventhough a power or energy is with me."

"I love myself.Okay first understand that.I love myself,that is why I am expressing my talents.I f I do not love myself,I would have remained silent only,okay.And no one is loving me,why should I even think about loving others who are not even near me and whom I do not know,or those who hate me.And do you think that I sing songs for the enjoyment of others or by thinking others,whom those who have even no connection with my life?Am I crazy like you all?I only sing because I do not want my talents to vanish away one sudden day.If you do not want to listen,do not listen.Okay.If you do no have the talent to sing or do anything like me,it is not my mistake.Oh.Do you think this songs that I have uploaded is very easy to sing.You try all these song to sing.Then you will understand.I have used my whole energy to sing it free of cost for you whoever listened to it.You try to sing,then you will understand.And you are all seeing me negative after listening to these.When you see my facial expressions,when I sing,then you understand.Sing .you sing.And remember,I sing thinking about me,thinking about the things and situations,particularly past situations which are connected with me.Why should I sing for someone who even hate me for jealousy reasons and for whom who spread rumours about me?Learn the nack and talent of singers who sings.No one sings for negative reasons.See the difference between me and you.Your facebook friends and likes.See.Open your eyes.Do you think that I am singing all these and showing all these being perfect in all cases and whatever matters.See your relations,chats extra.See whoever talks with you and whoever is with you and talking with you and see who all keeps relation with me and talks with me.Open your eyes and see and look into for whatever I said.Before you judge me.If you want to see all these as a tamasha,play,then it is okay and if you want to go against nature it is also okay for me.If you want me to respond,I am willing and I will respond and I will explain respond,till my death.But remember for every response of mine,nature will respond adversely against you,whatever you judge me wrongly."

"It takes around two years to learn to speak.But it takes a lifetime to learn what not to speak."

"Nobody knows,that all Malayalam movies released from their childhood from 1988,are related to my life from my childhood,and because of that all malyalees became mad while talking about somebody.Even a historian had said about Kerala, that Kerala is a place for mad people"

. "Nobody knows even that I am famous."

"Nobody knows that language expressing problem,if not diagnosed will lead to that person’s emotional instability and emotional breakdown,because of misapprehension of that person by other ignorants.That is the fault of psycho study doctors."

"Tamil guys are also like this,who are same culture as malyalees.They do not have the sense to talk ,without knowing about someone or before talking to the someone,whom they do not know."

"One of my kannad intimate mate,told me when I asked him,whether it is possible to be intimate with our room mates,so he told,no if you become intimate with any one of them,they will avoid you and cut your friendship,they will not tell to anyone,but they will keep it their mind.So,do not start to be intimate with room mates and job mates.Just do work,and smile and communicate thankfully and come back to your home.It is okay,if after talking and all, becoming intimate with some mate.But not so soon.He also said to me,that he also get attracted to his room mates,but he has never tried it and he was always busy with work."

"Many people consider me as a transgender or an girl angel."

"Yes,someone is with me because God will never leave someone alone,and he will send someone with the loner as a sign,to show signs to the loner."

"Whenever I go outside it is like party mood for me,celebrating with every person I met perfectly.They will be also very respectfully intimate with me,and we finish the day very thankfully,and perfectly,but it is when I come to the room back,that I feel exhausted,after a day’s energy.Some youngsters say that he is a born actor,loner,solitary,or a black horse.In room,with room mates,it is like that till the perfect day comes,I start to imagine the friendships.But,it is like this all will be busy in their own work and friendships,and I never get time,with them,who themselves are busy with their chores and while I am busy with my chores."

"And Deepika do not ever come to encourage me or to motivate me,if you had used me and misunderstood me,among your group,without knowing about me,fully.What were you telling,that Harry is depressed,informing it to everyone.Do you know what depression is while speaking that about someone?Deepika,you take that ailment like a joke,that is why you used me for you.Deepika ,you will suffer.Observe your coming days.This is not what Harris Jose says.This is what my personality and soul says to you.What your God and my god says about you."

   "All young people think that dying is an easy thing.I have  seen many people dying without getting breath,water and medicine,leaving their mind,family and friends.Those who say any bad about me,which is not applicable to me,will suffer it.I will die a peaceful death.That I know,because I have already died.I am killed by you all,making lonely by you all,before my real death."

"I have never told anything about someone in a bad assaulting manner.And why this non-english speaking guys say about me that I am talking to myself,whenever I talk to someone or relative through my mobile phone.Should I put loud speaker and speak?They will also talk to themselves, know.I have not said about them like that,in any way in an assaulting manner.While they will be talking to themselves,that time I will not be there with them.I will be somewhere else.Be ready for that.I am not going to be in any type of friendship who assaults me by their negative attitude and talks,with improper language.Why should I do that,being friendship with them,while they are being angry with me,with no reason,while I myself have language problem?They are speaking,like when I do a lengthy aachi[sneezing],vali[paadh,fart],that is also,speaking to one’s self[thaniye pesana],as said by the long stupid black tamil guy,whom another tamil guy takes him along with like he is the most perfect for him,while I say to close that long stupid black tamil guy,inside bars of an asylum.I tell to mind my word,because they are the one who made me respond like this,with their false judgement on me."

"Peacefullness is a sign of maturity."

"Every word is my breath,every breath is my word."

"These women when abuses and misuses men,then only these men rapes these women together with other men,that is why these women abuses innocent hard working boys thinking these boys also would become like those rapists.Actually women should be punished by nature in a spiritual and emotional way and men should be punished physically and mentally."

"I am eager to respond while they talk rubbish about me.Come on.Speed up."

"I have fucked many people in public and they have also fucked me,and sucked me,while among a big crowd,so I forget everything very soon in a respectful way,so I have no need to be afraid of."

"No friend has ever came to me searching for me,then why should I act like going and searching for that friend,wherever.If they know my language ,let they come to me.If they lag and they do wrong to me without love,I will punish them through my failure.Why should me take risky imaginations to real life.Let me act it with my talent on screens.When they think and talk negative things about myself,why, I should talk good things and think good about them or what.I will also think bad about them,when they talk and think bad about me.Why should I make myself unvalued,in front of them,while they think bad about me.I do not want to die a useless death speaking useless things about oneself and speaking useless things about others.I also do not want to imitate others and live in my real life."

"I am very afraid of tubelights when working or sitting inside home putting it on for the whole day."

"Everyone who do not know me[or behave like do not know me],asks me Harriss,why do you have so much heightened tension for silliest thing,watching my eyes,and what should I reply them when they ask like this to me,that it is  not tension and it is something else.Everyone has panics,situations,crisis everywhere they go."

"I have a policy I think it is not to speak uselessly,but when the right time comes to save everyone."

"Some people who are there,who themselves know that they have disabilities,and they never see us when we smile and laugh while someone is joking about,and they will look at us when after sometime when we are serious thinking about some stomach gas problem,and these foolish disable persons comment on that only to others,asking them,look why he is gloomy faced.Oh!I hate such type of persons who have partial knowledge about some people,and after they judge wrongly,they will start smiling.Oh!"

"There are many psychology physicians who thinks that what they studied and what they think is correct and they all think all human beings who come near to them are their specimens to study.When they cannot diagnose a problem,I think,that I should explain them the whole condition of mine;before they judge someone[me],without knowing the whole story.I have already explained to all the psychologists,through online in a public form about this very detailly."

"Tigeris endangered species.So,what you think is Tigeris man eater.Tigeris alive."

"From now,I will talk about job matters to my staffs,and I finish my job correctly and come back.I will never repeat any mistake that I did by over intimating with male staffs,doctors,because of which I was shifted to another ward after 2 months."

““Whenever I travel with my young children,I’m always reminded of an important lesson:Never travel with my young children.””

“MY FIRST GRADER was learning about mammals.When I asked her if she was a mammal,she said no,so I told her to look at her arm and see if there were many hairs on it.She replied,”Whoa!I am mammal.And Papa is REALLY a mammal!””

“ME:”Anant,you must start taking your studies seriously otherwise all the other kids in your class will be promoted at the end of the year,leaving you alone in Class II.” Anant: “But Dad,why will I be left alone?Won’t Class I students get promoted to Class II?””

“I MISS THE days when my youngest was afraid of skeletons and cried when I told her she had a skeleton inside of her.”

"I am a born actor,next to doctor".

"I also liked to mingle with every kind of boys and to become intimate with them like others do in my class and I could have borrowed money from them in my need to give back them when I get salary at their needy times,but I was not in a situation to express myself and everyone misjudged me ,misapprehend my feelings and never came near me.Is that their mistake or my mistake?This is what I say that they will suffer atlast and no one will come for their help at that time.Wait and see."

"If we want to talk,we would talk if in need,otherwise inappropriately and without use,why should I talk to someone,unneccesarily.I also do not have the habit to tell bbad things about others and aalthu faalthu kisi ke bare me bolne ka reeth,mera tareekha nahi hei. I know kannada little,Malayalam little,English little,tamil little,telugu little,hindi little,and which language,I should speak,hinmalengtamtel?"

 “Today is January 17th,2018.Four days before ,a big news headline was seen all over India that the 2009 law for Lesbian,Gay,Bisexual,Transgender,Queer,for which consensual relation between same gender lovers which was decriminalized,for which,now forceful intercourse or love without the consent of the person,which can hurt their mind stability,is criminalized by Supreme court in India.SC said that no one should live in fear with their own choice,and if someone is found guilty of doing so wihout any consent from any person,is liable to imprisonment for life and pay a huge amount of fees as compensation”Thankyou to..

"If I become intimate with someone,whom I like  in favourable circumstances then only I will start to speak freely.Before intimacy it is difficult for me to talk freely,under a company rule."

"If someone ask me doubtedly,then it could be seen on my face,like asking like why are you asking doubtedly to me,that it may be something else on my face."

"I usually consider myself as straight,but bilover,others consider me like a beautiful courageous man or angel."

"I am not thinking about some people who stays in next rooms,then why I have the necessity to talk about them.They are thinking about me,that is why they are talking about me like am,useful,but  useless to them.,And if I do not like them,because they said something which is not applicable to me,and final answer ,I gave to them,for what they know about me,to tell about me,which is not applicable to me,and I am not going to enter your room,I have my life,my problems,like you have,If I do not talk anything about you,why should you!?"

"My brother,heeding the words of my relatives,friends and family,said to me,it is time,to leave that bastard,busted Romeyo,so am obliged to heed the words of the ones whom I saw from my starting of my life in this Earth,if Romeyo's bustedness is going to harm me."

"By the time,you all have started understanding my story,then the world may have end its end soon."

"I suffered the sufferings what I all malayalis gave to me isolating me,by my same age classmates,who do not even speak to me in hindi and what is the use and necessity of mingling with me now?! Suffered my life,and you all did not suffer the isolation from malayalees.What is going to happen will happen soon.Wait for it."

"It was like this whenever,I become intimate with far away friend,this friend will have another class mate of mine who is near him,whom I may not be liking and what,I expected friends of friends were not coming to me,no one was there for sharing of friendship feelings,even till now.You all do not know how much I cried,with silent tears,waking up from deep sleep with agony whenever I travel to Thrissur or whenever I come back.The tears are natural and I do not know from where it comes may be from my past memories."

“Everything depend upon priority and choice,you also think about yourself only,that is why you do not come near me,or put your head down and go without looking at me,and why you, do not have legs to walk and come near me.Should I always come near you,while you tell that he think about himself,only with all my weaknesses and do not tell with your useless mouth that I think about myself only,while you also think about yourself,and while I work for other people and I do not work with my weaknesses and I work only with expenditure of my energy.””What you tell useless things about good people,that only I am telling to you.”There is no difference in it.”And I may be getting many outside friends more than you do,for my ultimate satisfaction,that you may not be getting,outside.”So,there is no point of your eagerness of making me your friend,when you do not get anything like friendship outside.I may be gaining many things like love and warmth from outside,when you do not,so it is my choice to give you,what I gained okay.I will give my things which I gained to whom I like.”So,there is no point of telling useless things about anyone who live with you paying rent,for you.Even I am not telling anything about,you when you wash your plates like a cook do,and this cook will start telling about Harris,talks among his other mates while drinking,talking about Harris,whom those mates even do not know,what this cook only started to call Harris, this and that.It is not a problem for me,if I do not get a friend inside home.””Because,I already have.”

"You all gain all worldly pleasures,insulting me,then you die suffering connecting with my name."

Language disorders can make it difficult for kids to understand what people are saying to them and to express their own thoughts and feelings through speech. They can also affect how kids learn and socialize. If you’re concerned your child has a language disorder, you’re not alone. They’re surprisingly common childhood conditions. And there are many ways to treat them.

Learning more about language disorders is a good first step toward helping your child. Read on for key facts about language disorders and suggestions for how you can help your child.

What are language disorders?

A language disorder[1] is an impairment that makes it hard for someone to find the right words and form clear sentences when speaking. It can also make it difficult to understand what another person says. A child may have difficulty understanding what others say, may struggle to put thoughts into words, or both.

You may notice that your child’s vocabulary is very basic and his sentences are short, ungrammatical and incomplete. While his peers chat and tell jokes, your child may have trouble following the conversation and miss the jokes. He also may speak in two-word sentences and have trouble answering even simple questions.

It’s important to note that a language disorder is not the same as a hearing issue or a speech disorder.[2] Children with language disorders typically have no trouble hearing or pronouncing words. Their challenge is mastering and applying the rules of language, like grammar. They aren’t simply “late talkers.” Without treatment, their communication problems will continue and may lead to emotional issues and academic struggles.

Types of Language Disorders There are three kinds of language disorders.

Receptive language issues involve difficulty understanding what others are saying.

Expressive language issues involve difficulty expressing thoughts and ideas.

Mixed receptive-expressive language issues involve difficulty understanding andusing spoken language.

Language disorders can either be acquired or developmental. An acquired language disorder, like aphasia, shows up only after the person has had a neurological illness or injury. This could be a stroke or traumatic head injury.[3]

A developmental language disorder is much more common in children. Kids with developmental language disorders often start speaking later than their peers. This delay isn’t related to their intelligence level. In fact, kids with developmental language disorders typically have average or above-average intelligence. They usually have problems with receptive and expressive language skills before the age of 4.

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How common are language disorders?

As many as 5 percent of school-age children are believed to have a language disorder. This makes language disorders some of the more common childhood disorders.[4]

Of the 6.1 million children with disabilities who received special education under IDEA in public schools in the 2005–2006 school year, more than 1.1 million were served under the category of speech or language impairment.[5]

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What causes language disorders?

Experts aren’t sure what causes language disorders. Most of the research has focused on the broader category of speech and language impairments (SLI), which includes language disorders and speech disorders. That research has been extensive and suggests some possible causes for SLI, such as:

Genes and heredity: Research has found that 20 to 40 percent of children with a family history of speech and language impairment have the condition themselves, compared with about 4 percent of those with no family history of SLI.[6]

Prenatal nutrition: Some research has shown that when a woman takes prenatal folic acid supplements during pregnancy, her baby is less likely to have severe language issues.[7]

Other conditions: Autism spectrum disorder, Down syndrome, intellectual disabilities and premature birth might also cause language disorders.

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What are the symptoms of language disorders?

Problems with oral communication are the most common sign of language disorders. It’s not clear if there are signs in infancy that might point to an increased risk.[8] The National Institute on Deafness and Child Development (NIDCD) is currently funding a study that will track babies for specific language impairment and autism spectrum disorder until age 3, so we might have more information soon.

Kids with receptive language issues may have trouble understanding what other people say. They could also have difficulty following simple directions and organizing information they hear. Receptive language issues can be hard to spot in very young children.

Expressive language issues can be easier to identify early. This is because kids with expressive language issues may be late to start talking and not speak until age 2. At age 3, they may be talking but hard to understand, and the problems persist into preschool. Some kids, for instance, might understand the stories read to them but not be able to describe them even in a simple way.

Here are other signs of expressive language issues:

Has a limited vocabulary compared to children the same age

Frequently says “um” and substitutes general words like “stuff” and “things” for more precise words

Has trouble learning new vocabulary words

Leaves out key words and confuses verb tense

Uses certain phrases over and over again when talking

Seems frustrated by inability to communicate thoughts

May not talk much or often, but understands what other people say

Is able to pronounce words and sounds, but sentences often don’t make sense

Uses a limited variety of sentence structures when speaking