ABSTINENCE: LOST IN TRANSIT

I wish I could say this in my mother tongue. That is the only possible of making sure nothing I am going to say gets lost in transit. As a writer I am faced with the challenge of channeling my writing whcih has to go through three processes. I think in Dholuo (my mother tongue). I speak mostly in Swahili (our nation's official language). I write mainly in English whcih most folks around here claim came on a ship. I wasn't there when it happened. That is why I am saying 'they claim'.

Just the other day I was attending a seminar on HIV/Aids. The topic of discusion was on abstinence. Now abstinence is an issue that is so thorny they keep telling us a 'real man' cannot abstain. I started thinking... wait a minute. This is very possible. But we need the women to help us out! I believe it is only a woman who can help a man abstain. I was asked to talk about this and I said I needed to find out if there are wards for those abstaining from sex in the city. I was given the day off to do this.

It was while I was at home that a revelation ocured to me. This is how it happened.

The Bible has a story on creation. But there is an original version of the bible that has the original text of the bible. The bible isn't in issue (hasn't been for a very, very, very, very loooooong time.) Its location is so secret that only St Peter has the key to the place. And that is where a woman comes in. Every time a woman meets a man who puts pressure on her that they must have sex she should do one thing.

She can either do this one thing. Or she can look for St Peter so she can get the key to the secret location where the original text of the bible lies waiting to be discovered. But I would advice she would rather do what I am going to advice. That is the easiest way out. It is the only way that can put some sense in men who think abstinence is hard. It is the only thing that help remove the cobwebs off a man's eyes. It is, just like what the good book says, the only thing that will bring knowledge to men. It will prevent more deaths that arise from a lack of knowledge. I am done preaching. Now I can dispense with what I meant to say.

The next time a woman meets a man who insists they must have sex because it is sooooo hard to abstain she should do this. She should look the man, straight in the eye (without blinking even if a fly happens to choose at that time to buzz around the room!) and let him understand she understands. Then she should say...

\"I know what you are saying and I am willing to do anything and everything you want us to do. But before we do anything else, do me one favour.\"
\"Your wish is my command,\" the man will say. \"I am all ears my dear.\"
The woman should take a deep breath, ignore the buzzing fly and the urgent need to blink her eyes.

\"I want you to do me a favour.\"
\"Okay.\"
\"Go to the nearest hospital.\"
\"That is easy,\" the man will say thinking this is much easier than being asked to use a condom. \"What do I do when I am there?\"
\"Ask whether they have an ICU ward for people who are abstaining from sexual activity!\"

There, I have said it.

PS: As I was just about about to hit the SUBMIT button, there was still no hospital in Nairobi and all over Kenya that has such a ward. I don't about other countries. I need to go back to the seminar and table my findings. Please help a brother out. Let me know if there are any ICU wards from people abstaining from sex. I will appreciate. Till next time, do have a song in your life.