What a woman

What a woman

Now I can say that I am a very proud mom.  Having  two grown up, nice, pretty, smart, good daughters after thousands of hard works and sorrows in years. I finally can say that being alone as a single mom giving a life to my girls is not always be a disaster. It can be a bless and joy.

I am just a traditional Indonesian woman who’s trying hard to struggle to be survive not only for myself but for my two daughters that left by my western, intellectual husband which is my girls’ daddy, badly. After long years, the girls have grown up, finally I succeeded to persuade them to forgive and remind positive thinking and found their lost daddy by the present advanced technology for their own goodness shake.

It was not easy at the beginning. Very hard, very bad, very painful and all negative feeling and thinking about what just happened to me. I was so sad and angry to find my husband had an affair with a very young girl who was just could be his grandchild that was my maid. It’s even worse for I knew it from my daughters themselves. 

I was full of feeling that I was bad, ugly woman and not “delicious” any more for he said I was changed after giving birth to two kids, and for he was bored, plus He didn’t love me anymore.  What could I say? What could I do? I wished he asked me about how my feeling was to him as I was 20 years younger than him? My culture told me to be a good follower to a husband. My culture also told me that married and being parent is not about love only. There are many more numbers of criteria and conditions that we have to complete.

I blamed myself. I was sinking in sadness and angriness for a period, almost forgotten my girls,  until my wonderful girl screaming hysterically holding my legs, stopped me to step out of the house when I needed to go to work rode with a man, a good friend of mine.  I ignored her and just left. Then back home I asked her why she did such a thing to me, she cried and said “I thought you will go and never come back like daddy”.

That touched me deeply. I got smacked down. Ruin, seeing the fact that it’s my daughters who  were little innocent, frail, plain, tiny and fragile suffered much more than myself.

It’s opened my eyes and my heart. Looking at  them. Those two girls had nothing to do with the problem.  They didn’t deserve it. So that night was turned to be a nightmare, wet and flood of tears. The next day, I tried to start thinking more rational. Over viewed the condition of our life situation. Looking through myself and my daughters in and out of every corner.

I found that I didn’t want to be that small. I wanted to be bigger than it had to be. Not just to do the good thing but more to the right thing, for good was not always reminds right but right will always be good. I was a lone, Who did I need to talk to? My family?  No, for How I fought everyone just to get married with that western man.  To my  friend?  Then what about the losing face culture system? I started to do evaluation to myself.  I would be too small if I was suffering by keeping him in mind. I realized I didn’t get any benefit from it. I was a looser.

So I had to wake up, stood up, walked straight even ran as fast as I could, to reach what I dreamed of. Instead of looking from stomach down to earth I prefer to looking at stomach up to the sky. Then I got progress but still not enough for the air was huge.

Five days a week working was not enough then I took seven days a week instead. I did working, learning and  saving to fulfill the demands of more decent life that we deserved.

Yes , our lives were increasing but I was so tired and not happy still. What was missing?

I talked to God every mid night when people were sleeping deeply. What I got?

I found that I had to forgive myself for whatever intentional and unintentional bad deeds, I probably had made to my husband which caused him a way. After that, I forgive all his bad words and attitudes. Released him from the negative zone in my mind and my heart and prayed to God, wishing him all the best for him to find better life and happiness that he probably didn’t get it from me after a couple of years of our married.

Miraculously, I felt release, free from heavy loads. Very light and happy. I had no bad and negative feeling or thinking about him or anything anymore.  The cup was empty and ready to be filled full with all positive values of new life for I have all the space in my heart and mind. I grew stronger and wiser in solving problems but I was over protected to my daughters. I got immune for any worst case happened to me, but I was deeply emotional when my daughters got hurt. It took me long time to let them independent. I found my girls were very much trying to make me happy and keeping me relax.  They tried to make money selling Ice tea bars, pens, pencils and  accessories for young girls for not asking mine. We showed love very much to each other. We discussed about everything. Our financial situation was increased rapidly since they got some offers to play as actress and models.

Since that time, I keep on teaching or telling my daughters, friends and any one to remind positive. There are always a little tiny white dot even in a black, dark colour if we are really want to find it. I took the best out of it, reminded all beautiful times I spent with my husband for nice things he gave and made for me. I took all his bad words from him or from others he told of  as triggers to move on instead of letting it killing me like last time. It’s been working very well up to now. I was cured but not my daughters. They tried to communicate with him via face book, but unfortunately it  didn’t work well for their daddy kept talking so bad and put all the blame on me for why he left  them so. 

Then they stopped. Lives go on.  For financial reason, they had to move from an international school to local school for it’s much cheaper indeed. So we could save the rest.

New problems came up.  Teachers complained my older girl dumbfounded in class often, isolated herself from friends specially boys. The younger one was apposite. She was too close to boys specially men, hugging and sitting on their laps as soon as she met any.  It was not right either for me. They came home from school crying for getting bullying as they were different outlook from their local friends. They were lighter, taller and had a quite brown hair and no daddy. For their school mates to see them, it’s like looking at an alien from the space. Though after sometimes I communicated with their friends and teachers, then they finally were accepted.

Now  I am leading my father’s old local school for poor people in my home town. This will be my last destination. My wonderful daughters are grown up become smart, pretty girls ready to meet their daddy with all their heart and mind that full of love.  For that result of the life struggle, I thank and fully appreciation to my husband who left me and let me took care and faced all the cries and laughs of our daughters by myself without any supports or interventions from him.  It created me to be a right and quality mom, then created a better young generation.

Why I am writing this is for any women that has to be strong. Woman is not weak like some says.  Don’t let your husband pushing you down. We have to be independent and confident to protect and lift up ourselves and able to stand up on our own feed.

We have to be strong enough to forgive , apologize and release all the negative influences from husbands to be able to move on. By forgiving it actually builds a healthy life and better personality. 

When a woman gets hurt, nothing can be stronger than her. Nothing can bit her.