Some ideas I plan to explore

In thinking of what I really want to do one idea had was to contribute to the little native paper that sits in the waiting areas at the Native Hospital, I forget it's name right now though and will have to go run and pick up a copy of it this week. I wanted to begin writing some articles for it but quickly ran into a stumbling block on my first one!

I wanted to write passionately and strongly about our need to truly overcome the effects of being 'Americanized' and losing so much of ourselves. I had a great first paragraph going too until I came to the part about healing and letting go. It was a strange feeling since I felt like I was writing a lie and couldn't figure out why at first. Then I realized it was partly my own feelings about my own family that caused me to unconsciously call myself a liar when writing this piece.

I realized I was telling everyone else to forgive their family, friends, and other natives for past "crimes" and start anew since it was necessary for us to truly heal and grow strong again. That little voice that speaks from my heart said 'so you are going to call up your sisters and become a family again?' and I was like "Oh! No! Of course not, not after my daughters had to scrub toilets in a homeless shelter, NEVER!" and realized why I could not write this article yet.

Moral Dilemma, big time! Going back and forth between what I believe needs to happen as a whole for Alaskan Natives and my own personal feelings...life is hard sometimes!

If you truly believe that we need to forgive the 'Whatevers" that happened because we need to remind ourselves that they suffered the same ill-treatment too then... and I didn't even want to think of it. Becoming friends and a family again with my own family, ha! So, I tell myself so many arguments for and against, back and forth, that whole he said/she said thing that can drive you up the wall when you can see both sides of an issue. So, after many days of this internal argument I decided that this should be the starting point of this series then.

So, I will be trying to work this up into a series of sorts, and will try to get a few written before showing them to that Native newspaper. I was thinking since it sits there for everyone to read and people do browse through it that this is a good place for some of my ideas to go. I am thinking if I can rewrite this first piece to reflect this internal conflict and maybe show real steps to be taken and maybe getting and trying to follow the advice offered that it can be a very good series. I think the idea of 'baby steps' is a good way to try to totally change the way you think and feel. So, I will be trying to contact people to talk about this issue with and try to frame up a series and sort of personal goals for all of us reading it to meet.

Another idea is to get involved politically somehow. The problem is I am a bit shy about speaking up in front of people! On here I can go on and on easily but in person something happens and my ideas never reach my mouth but end up in my stomach and create butterflies that flutter and I get too nervous. I emailed the Alaska Federation of Natives and mentioned I was chosen as a Pulsewire correspondent and wanted to know of issues or things they thought would be good for me to research and I also emailed the Reznet online place too. I haven't heard back from them yet or might have deleted them as "spam" if I didn't recognize their name.

I am excited about it since I will be getting a few weeks of vacation starting next Thursday so plan to do lots of research and stuff during that time. I am feeling motivated but hesitant since it does feel very forward to have written to them saying I want to become a leader of sorts. I get that feeling of 'sheesh, how big is your head?!'

It seems sometimes I just love to post so sorry if I "talk" too much but I am excited and want to share a bit of it here with my sister-friends.

love,

Maria