DIFFERENCE IS NO LIMITATION

I It's not easy to be different in a society with set structures,  standards and systems so flawed and rigid. Difference is regarded as indifference and rebellion.  but i have a philosophy i believe in : differences are by no means man's weakness or limitation. This has been useful to me in interacting with people  because understanding so helps me develop an open mind. It has not just helped in my social circle but also individual development. How? I have come to understand that in trying to understand and embrace these differences, you seek to understand before you seek to be understood as Stephen R. Covey puts it. This, is what i define as  empathy. It is one of my most important individual pursuits. 

Talking about being different, I grew up as an only daughter, coupling up as a first born. With great power comes great responsibility and I can not agree more with this statement. I've so far managed all my duties as the eldest child the best i could because all i ever wanted was to make my momma proud and put a smile on my daddy's face. Honestly, i didn't know what I wanted from all of that and Occasionally, I would conplain because it felt overwhelming! But I realize that being entrusted with responsibility from such a tender age has moulded me and is part of what constitutes my character as a young woman.  Growing up with my peers wasn't easy. I didn't know how to make friends, well, to be honest, I didn't have time to worry about my asocial traits. I took life as it came and all i cared about was my responsibilities. My circle of friends has remained really small since. Being an only girl, with brothers, I was better at being all round boyish than girlish. I wasn't good at anything the girls did at school: games, makeup, long hair and all. I didn't understand fashion and style except that clothing was a basic need. I seemed to be living in another zone and in a different age. I was just odd and boring given the Contemporary standards. My ignorance then, cost me!  The girls didn't want to play with me and if they had to, they'd give me bogus roles, not because they were mean, i was just not good at any outdoor activities except yelling and sprinting. so I was comfortable playing with the boys. The only other thing I cared about besides books was my blue bicycle and I loved to sing but I wasn't good at it either. Even so, I was perfectly just fine! 

However, being young in such a manipulative society is challenging because we are not taught to discover who we are. We are given a formula to being who the system decides you should be. I  got into an identity crisis like any other kid and I withdrew from people. Not that I cared what they thought but as  a kid, you don't choose to not care as you're just beginning to probe everything. I got concerned about my body Alot! Every clothe mom bought couldn't fit and I had to wear shorts(with huge side pockets)  inside to hold my dresses and skirts in place. All the girls in my class used to pick on me for being skinny and I remember constantly asking my mom whether I'd ever wear some flesh, just enough to look like the rest. The boys would make fun of my large eyes. My dad, used to remind me each morning that I was beautiful but that didn't cushion me, the indifference still did occasionally get to me. I realized that while the rest of the girls had everything else to be proud of (perfect bodies, smiles, amazing eyes and great talent and abilities), I only had my bicycle, my family and my books and my dad was sure to buy me enough of those. I thought then,  that maybe I was intended to be some pumpkin, edible and forgettable. But I realize that I missed nothing, in fact, I had all the time to seek freedom.

I sought to understand what life is and every time I recalled a favorite narrative i had performed back in grade 5. In it, it presented life as a complex and unpredictable riddle, personifying life as a limited and bias individual with emotion and feeling. It mentioned that Everyone wants to belong somewhere, both young and old want something to hang on to. The young want to identify with peer groups while adults want to belong to social circles. And people think that to fit in is a mark/source of prestige and achievement,  but that you might not be the best, it's okay, you may not score the best grades, you might not be good in games and sports but there certainly is something you can do. That a positive attitude fosters self confidence and implies belief in oneself, we gotta adopt it!  What a life-changing sermon that was to a feeble soul struggling to find meaning in a mystic ocean of infinity!! I started to attempt to define my person and all the experiences i  had, became lessons for me. They always influenced my perception of life. Spending alot of time on my own then,  helped me develop a deep connection with myself, and I learned that I could easily talk to myself if I needed someone. I loved to write and that has never faded. 

Well, I'm not saying that I have my whole life figured out. No!  I'm learning and unlearning every single time and it's a process, sometimes painful. i share these early childhood experiences because they were key in shaping who i was and who I've grown up to be. All i do is adjust. You know i thought I could handle anything but my KCPE results were a huge blow to me. This was the first National exam i had sat,  expectations were high and I know i could have done it but I fell below. It broke me. I doubted myself, my capabilities and whether i was good at anything at all. Everyone was disappointed in me, i guess I had wasted their belief in me. I was a sucker! No exemplary certificates in co-curricular activities yet i brought home mediocre grades!! I learned, after 3weeks of self loath and introspection, I had to be there for myself and be strong because this life was and was always gonna be mine. There were mornings when I came this close to giving up but I didn't.  Even though limited in knowledge and wisdom, I understood that If i pressed on, i could be better.  And now,  even though I know not the rules of the game, I'm hoping i can learn. It might not be a smooth sailing, but it sure will be a life lived, with a tale to tell. And when I leave, i want  to be remembered by nature for having lived my own life, my own way... For having made my own unique mistakes and having learnt from them, even if the hard way. I just want to be ME,  live ME and define ME to the end and with every adjustment and compromise, I just wanna become a reformed being. 

I stopped focusing on grades, I was more interested in learning not just to widen my scope of knowledge but to build my character. I learnt the essence of empathy and what it might mean to be truly empathic. I began to question what self worth really means and what it entails, what identity is, what purpose really meant, the values and beliefs that defined my principles... And much more that got me too involved to worry about fitting in. I realized that to have a mind of my own,  i needed to be strong enough to stand and live for what I believe in while being able to unlearn deep seated beliefs and adopt new ones when necessary. I needed to build my foundation strong, because it was going to define every realm of my person. It's not been easy but This has proven too exciting and too satisfying of a pursuit to worry about petty struggles and it has saved me the agony of inferiority because you set your own standards and you do not have to compare yourself with people who are also struggling with things otherwise not similar to your own.

I am not even midway but I believe that the insignificant fraction I've dealt with already is worthwhile. I might not get it to perfection but I find solace in the pursuit itself. I learnt that I can bite life in small chunks, only in bits that I can chew, every single day and that if I don't have to be perfect, good is good enough when I can make my good better every time. It's peaceful and life-changing. 

I am passionate about the young generation and I want to use my voice to inspire us and help individuals discover themselves through writing. On whichever platform i find, i want to impact a life and create a wind for change not just among the young women but everyone who cares for a better world, with a better people! We can hold on to our revolt and be the change we desire.