The Mirror

When I have to go out to a party, it takes me a long time to get ready. The reason is obvious: I want to look gorgeous. I cannot afford to look ugly. But when I look in the mirror, millions of thoughts flicker through my head in a fraction of a second.

Why don't I have a beautiful face? Why is my face marked with pimples? Why couldn’t I have inherited a rare gene that would let me be a little bit more fair skinned? The small moles around my face are killing my beauty. God, how I wish I had thick and long hair so I could style it however I like.

As soon as I am done with my face, my eyes are then on to my body. I don’t see any curves. Should I start skipping my dinner? Should I go on a fruit diet? My stomach is already growling. I could try exercising, but I am too lazy and have no time for it.

These questions have nagged at me for as long as I could remember. In Nepal, my country, girls go on a diet to have slim body, use different beauty products so they have fair skin like the actresses in the Korean dramas and Hollywood movies. Mostly influenced by these industries, I have always looked up to Korean and Hollywood actresses as the pinnacle of beauty. In search of what it means to be beautiful, in 2015, I participated in a beauty pageant. I wanted to stand out in the crowd and become a celebrity. I wanted to be told that I am beautiful. I practiced putting on makeup, controlled my diet, wore high heels, and practiced walking up and down the ramp during the training.

To my surprise, I won the beauty pageant. But when I went to claim my prize, the organizers told me I won not because I was beautiful but because I was “talented". I could logically think better and answer all the questions given by the judges satisfactorily and confidently. But I didn't get the package they had promised for the winner. Whenever I talked about the prize they would turn the conversation in different direction. At that instant, I felt low because I had to return empty hand.

It didn't make a sense to me. I questioned myself, "Is it a sin for not having a beautiful face despite the talent I had?

I have always noticed priority given to beautiful people. Even when we walk in our peer groups the beautiful lady is getting much attention. The discrimination in context of beauty has always been prevalent in our society. It starts from the early childhood when the girls are asked to be cuter, beautiful, wear pretty dresses and make-ups.

I look at the mirror again: Do my looks really matter?

Who I am, where I stand and where I am in my career is what makes a difference. My contribution and work towards my community's development is what I am here for. I am one of the co-founders of Women Leaders in Technology (WLiT), a non-profit dedicated to getting more women and girls involved in the STEM field in Nepal through its one-year long fellowship and mentorship programs. During my tenure of at the Microsoft Student Partner (MSP) I have conducted Hour of Code workshops in colleges and schools, volunteered to provide free International Skype calls following Nepal’s devastating earthquakes in 2015, and have developed my technical skills and social networks. I have been conducting Feminist Film Screening (FFS) through the organization I have been working, which focus on using visual stories as the point of connection between the stories of women, the similarities in their struggles and achievement.

The person in me is the only thing that makes me different from others.

I don't have to wear high heels and fancy dresses. Neither the fancy jean-pants, leggings and skirts define my beauty, nor the bracelets, tank tops and designer tops that I choose to wear will define my body. I don't have to follow the rules of a “simple girl” my society perceives when we wear kurthas, sari and lehengas. I just have to be myself to feel the beauty inside me.

My mind, perception and vision play an important role in what I think about myself. I get up and walk away from the mirror. After all, the mirror is only an illusion.