New Years Resolutions

The reality of our lives sometimes stand in stark contrast to the dreams and aspirations we have for ourselves. I am afraid of resolutions, my inability to stay focused on anyone thing for too long prevents me from sticking to the dreams and visions I envision when I project myself into a future. So like most people I have become distrustful of my ability to stick to my intentions and this of course manifests itself in a passionate cynicism towards the very idea of resolutions.

So as I approach 2014 I am caught in a bind, I am totally torn, do I dare dream up a future that involves me making resolution/plans or do I just trust the stars and the universe to work in my best interest. There is a strangeness to my inability to not be able to stick to my plans, dreams, hopes, aspirations; I will plan and succeed for other people but for some reason, I do not follow through or succeed for myself; towards the achievement of my own hopes and dreams. So even as I scoff at my thoughts about new year resolutions I am somewhat apprehensive, because my inner voice refuses to allow me to be comfortable with my cynicism at the idea of resolutions, it seems to believe that this speaks to a lack of commitment to myself and a lack of willingness on my part to passionately pursue my own dreams and visions.

Maya Angelo says 'you teach people how to treat you' I believe that, I think that I have to learn to be as committed to my own dreams and aspiration as I am to the dreams and aspirations of those I seek to serve or those who I work with and for. In the Alchemist Paulo Cohelo speaks of the story of Narcissus; in Greek mythology, Narcissus becomes so engrossed in the beauty of his own image that he would spend days gazing at his own reflection in the river, he became so caught up with the sight of his own reflection that he eventually slipped into the river and drowned. We judge Narcissus very harshly, as a matter of fact the psychological disorder 'narcissism' is named with the idea of Narcissus and his actions in mind. Yet Cohelo makes the point that had Narcissus not spent his days staring at his reflection in the river, the river would not have been able to gaze at its own image and it was only upon Narcissus death that the river recognized how valuable Narcissus was to her. But the greater point to be made here is that self-involvement selfishness has its place. I mean taking the time for self-care, to pursue one's passion, to get in touch with one's centre is important and not just important crucial for the survival of humanity. I think then that when people notice that we treat ourselves with importance, or when those around me notice that I treat myself, my plans and dreams with the same care I treat everyone else's they will start to reciprocate and then perhaps I will be able to recruit help towards the achievement of my own dreams.

I like Ayanla Vanzant's explanation, when she told the story of instructions on a flight which brought her to tears; being told to put your own oxygen masks on, if an emergency were to develop in flight, even before that of a small child in case you were travelling with one.

So as I continue to reflect, to think, to agonize somewhat over the idea of new year's resolution I am reminded that the quintessential questions that we must seek to answer as we continue to navigate this earth space are; 1) Who am I? 2) What am I here for? I hope that I come through for myself this year, I hope that I follow my dreams with relentless stubbornness, I intend to make myself a priority and to gaze some more on my own reflections, I want to appreciate that the only moment we have is now, and that our only job is to become aware of my own happiness and to commit to its pursuit.

So I guess I am not anti-new year's resolutions after all, if I were to strip it down to the truth and be honest with myself, my cynicism comes more from my fear that I will once again not show up for myself and I will disappoint me yet again. So now I commit to tell myself the truth.