Posted March 8, 2018

From the time I was a very little girl, until I was 17, I was abused in child pornography, child prostitution and ritualized torture. 

This poem was written during my recovery years, I have now moved beyond the flashbacks and PTSD and I am proud to say I am now thriving in my life. I am only now feeling safe enough to share it!



I am a survivor of an unseen war

A war that goes on behind closed doors

In bedrooms

  And bar rooms

      And motel rooms

         In front of cameras

                For pornography films


I will not move amongst my silences weeping

 I will rise to the accompliment of women singing

     And shout out the truth of pain and degradation

I will not shy from my own touch on my breast

   I will reclaim my body

From the fists

  That held it in one hand

  While they exchanged money with the other

Dropping me like a sack of garbage

  Into the beds of strangers

Finding no love between their groping fingers

I recoiled

  Removed myself from my body

    While the dirty deed  

       Was done

I will not surrender to the

  White middle class streets of my childhood

     With their vacant laughter mocking me

Where Denial 

    was served with toast and coffee

No one noticed the tortured girl child

  Hidden inside a turtle shell

     Under layers and layers of survival


The child emerges

  Peeping out at a world

    That once blamed her for child prostitution

       That once shamed her 

            For being raped in child pornography    

I embrace her

   Longing to look into her eyes

But they are the same as my own


From the child:


  Nobody out there seems to know

    What it is like in here

To live with unseen horror

  That comes up for viewing when you least expect it


I have little control over

  Witnessing pornography ~click~

     Of the hard-core variety ~click~

        Perpetrated on my child body ~click~


The memories shatter moments

   Of peaceful contemplation  

       With pain horror degradation

And the infinite greed of males






But there is no hiding

  From the pornography that was my life

     As a little girl, teen, young womon

Tortured and tied down before the camera

   Now they hold my body hostage

Being raped and tortured ~click~

   Beaten and ravaged ~click~

      And degraded and dragged through

      The gutters of abuser’s minds ~click~

As each new perpetrator ~clicks~

    On whatever website

      Happens to be

         Portraying me







From the thought

   But there is a rapist

      In every corner of my brain

And it hurts when I hear women defending pornography

  As “freedom of speech”

Just how my Child body being raped

  Became “speech” is a mystery not yet unraveled

The only freedom I have

  Is since I got away

     From the pornographers

        Who owned and sold my body

But yet I am not free of the pictures

I will never go back

  But I am forced to rerun ~click~

      The reruns ~click~

         That I wonder are now

             At this very moment ~click~

                 Being rerun

                      On the Internet ~click~

This very instant being

Defended as “Freedom of Speech”


I am a survivor of an unseen war

A war that goes on behind closed doors

Every 9 seconds a womon is beaten

Every 30 seconds a womon is raped

Now with the Internet ~click~

  Every second ~click~

     Of everyday ~click~

A womon can be viewed being

  Raped in pornography ~click~

It is time we STOP

  Calling this “Freedom of Speech”

And recognize it as the documentation

  Of crimes 

       that it is!


This poem can be heard in spoken word in:


For more of my words: 

This post was submitted in response to You Are a Silence Breaker..

Comments 6

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  • jlanghus
    Mar 08
    Mar 08

    Hi Oak Trillium. You are sooo brave to share this. Thanks so much for sharing all your pain and suffering here today with all of us. Your voice is heard. We hear you. I'm glad you are thriving and were able to heal yourself. Go you:-)

  • Karen Quiñones-Axalan
    Mar 09
    Mar 09

    Hello, dear sister,

    I am horrified on your experience that I could not help but weep. I hope I could hug you right now. Again, I am at loss for words to say, but I hear you. I pray you will find your healing. Please continue to write your poetries.

    Last night, I saw an evening news that a man who facilitated Web Pornography with little girls to international clients finally got caught. He had been doing it since 2000. It is so appalling that there are many cases like yours and these men operate in secret places.

    It is to woman like you that that I wrote, "May The Little Girl In Us Find Her Healing". I dedicate it to you.

    Here is an excerpt:

    It is NOT right that men took advantage of you.

    It is NOT your fault that this tragic thing happened to you. The shame must be placed to the audacious perpetrators and never on you.

    It is NOT right that you were thrown away or neglected or excommunicated for telling your truth.

    It is NOT right that your feelings were invalidated.

    You are not less of a woman because this happened to you. Those men might have touched you physically, but the essence within you that defines you as a woman stays intact.

    You are a woman because of your purity, your resilience, your strength, your ability to heal from within, and your power to bring healing to others as well.

    Your essence as a woman is a combination of your gentleness to those who are wounded like you, and your bravery to speak your truth and to stand up for justice.

    So celebrate the woman that you are because your identity is not defined by what other people did to you, but how you discover the well of wealth that is springing within you.

    Arise, and use your uniqueness and creativity as you reach out to other woman. For a woman's power is finding healing in the process of loving others as she loves herself.

    Thank you for sharing your story.

  • OakTrillium
    Mar 10
    Mar 10

    Beautiful! Oh thank you for posting that! I can truly say I am thriving and giving back to other women at this point in my life, which is why it now feels safe to share what was written during my healing process. I want to ditto everything you just said!!!! So true and powerfully written!!!!

  • Karen Quiñones-Axalan
    Mar 10
    Mar 10

    Thank you, sister.

    So glad you are OK now and are reaching out to other women. Please continue writing. :)

  • Clodine Mbuli Shei
    Mar 10
    Mar 10

    Dear heroine,
    Yes you are a true heroine, you are brave. Thank you for speaking out so eloquently. Every single word in your poem makes so much meaning to me . Its such a powerful write up. Thank you again and again

  • Jafreen Alamgir
    Mar 15
    Mar 15

    Hey brave hero! Never look back. Your present is very bright and full of happiness.

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