Start of my Roman Battle

My coming out period was a miserable time, mostly because I condemned myself. I was totally convinced that I was going to burn in hell for my disgusting unnatural behaviour. I felt like God left my side, I had all these questions in my head, when I went to my bible for answers, all I found was even more condemnation - or so I thought at the time. It took a long time for me to realise that God has bigger things to worry about than my sexual orientation.

It's hard for gay people in our society, The God that I serve & love is a fair God, a God of love, my God isn't a gay hating narrow minded human being like a lot of homophobic Christians make Him out to be.

My girlfriend & I watched a sermon by Louie Giglio last week. It was called "Indescribable". (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oNgJhuICrVA&feature=kp) It's truly awesome to realise how big God is and how small we are, to realise that he made us & he loves us so much that He gave His Son to die for us. God gave His only Son to die for me, even though he knew I would be gay…

I don't like calling myself a Christian and I don't believe that the Bible is the Word of God. I am a follower of God, His Son Jesus Christ & The Holy Spirit. I believe that by using the so called Word of God as a shield & a weapon of manipulation, a lot of people who call themselves Christians have the ability to hurt others in such a way that they turn their backs on the whole concept of God. I am not only talking about people using a few bible texts as an excuse to hate & hurt gays, but I am also talking about how people get scared away from God by the militaristic, hypocritical attitudes of so called Christians. My own brother is an atheist today, I believe it is mostly because he went to a highly religious High School ran by a self proclaimed profit, where he experienced the hypocrisy & double lives of these so called Christian Ministers & their followers first hand. His own words were "If that's how you have to live your live to be a Christian, then I want no part in it".

I love my Bible. I used to take it everywhere with me, you always get some kind of inspiration from it, just when you need it most. But in the end, The Bible was written by men thanks to the inspiration that God gave them. It is not the words of God that is written in The Bible, it’s the words of human beings, who was living in a total different time than we are living in now, there whole believe system was different than ours, so how can we still think that every word written in the bible is relevant to us today? The Bible contradicts itself over & over.

I believe that God talks to us through the Bible, but I don't believe that the bible is the Word of God.
In a very difficult time for me, my coming out stage, God spoke to me through the Bible. Out of my NKJV "Spirit - Filled life Student Bible" I kept reading Romans 1:18-32, over & over trying to make sense of the whole gay thing.

God’s Wrath on Unrighteousness
18 For the wrath of God is revealed from heaven against all ungodliness and unrighteousness of men, who suppress the truth in unrighteousness, 19 because what may be known of God is manifest in them, for God has shown it to them. 20 For since the creation of the world His invisible attributes are clearly seen, being understood by the things that are made, even His eternal power and Godhead, so that they are without excuse, 21 because, although they knew God, they did not glorify Him as God, nor were thankful, but became futile in their thoughts, and their foolish hearts were darkened.22 Professing to be wise, they became fools, 23 and changed the glory of the incorruptible God into an image made like corruptible man—and birds and four-footed animals and creeping things.
24 Therefore God also gave them up to uncleanness, in the lusts of their hearts, to dishonor their bodies among themselves, 25 who exchanged the truth of God for the lie, and worshiped and served the creature rather than the Creator, who is blessed forever. Amen.
26 For this reason God gave them up to vile passions. For even their women exchanged the natural use for what is against nature. 27 Likewise also the men, leaving the natural use of the woman, burned in their lust for one another, men with men committing what is shameful, and receiving in themselves the penalty of their error which was due.
28 And even as they did not like to retain God in their knowledge, God gave them over to a debased mind, to do those things which are not fitting; 29 being filled with all unrighteousness, sexual immorality,[c] wickedness, covetousness, maliciousness; full of envy, murder, strife, deceit, evil-mindedness; they are whisperers, 30 backbiters, haters of God, violent, proud, boasters, inventors of evil things, disobedient to parents, 31 undiscerning, untrustworthy, unloving, unforgiving,[d]unmerciful; 32 who, knowing the righteous judgment of God, that those who practice such things are deserving of death, not only do the same but also approve of those who practice them.

Pasted from http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Romans+1&version=NKJV

I Cant tell you how many times I read this passage over & over. I just couldn't make any sense of it. Did my liking women now suddenly also mean that I hated God? I didn't hate God, I love God. In what way did I disobey God so badly that he felt it necessary to give me over to vile passions? I repented I told God how deeply sorry I was for the evil things that I did, the evil things I didn't even know I had done. Why wasn't he taking all these unnatural sexual feelings away now?? I said sorry! God where are you? Why don't You love me anymore, why God? Why won't you help me? Why won't you cure me! God I said sorry for what ever it was that I had done that was so terrible that this is my punishment. Please God! Please heal me. Where are You God, I love You, why don't You love me anymore? Why won't you cure me?

I was broken. My depression worsened & I was sure that I would end up in hell for my vile passions, sexual immorality, wickedness & all the other adjectives in verse 28. I was sure that God had finally left me.

I think I started seeing the light at the end of this dark tunnel one weekend when I was visiting my mom. I came to her room with my bible, in tears I showed her the passage that was tormenting me, I told her that it was inevitable, I'm going straight to hell & here was the proof. At this stage in our lives, my mom was also still struggling to accept my whole gay thing, she couldn't even get herself to utter the words "gay" or "lesbian" she used to call us "funny people". But in spite of that she started to get me thinking the right way about the passage that I was using to condemn myself. My mom didn't give me an answer, instead she only put more questions in my head, only this time it was the right questions. She asked me If I was any of the bad things that was mentioned in verse 28, she asked me if anything from this passage was relevant to me or my attitude towards God, she asked me if any of these characteristics matched me. When I said no she asked me, "Why then do you think this passage is so relevant to you". I Can't remember what happened after that. All I know is that God was starting to answer me, ironically His firs answer was in the form of my moms questions, even though I didn't realise it at the time.